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I recently made a post on the love forum named still in love with my ex and he loves me too, if you read it you'll understand this huge issue I have going on in my love life which effects a lot of my mental health on top of other stressful things going on right now. I just graduated high school so I've been trying to get a job which is impossible in my small town, I have a year to move out, my mom and sister who are the only two people I've been living with since I was 11 are moving away before 2018 (my sister is moving 5 hours away from me and my mom is moving across the country), just to name some things. The thought of them leaving me brings me so much anxiety and stress it drives me crazy because they're all I know, I rely on them for a lot. I've always had separation anxiety and depression; I've seen two psychologists from the ages 12 to 15. They were no help at all.. my first doctor suggested dance therapy? I have no interest in dance and my second doctor never let me talk about my issues she just wasted hours of my time by talking about herself. When I was 12 I had started showing signs of being depressed.. I was really mean like I lacked empathy, I just never cared about anyone nor myself. I treated my mom horribly because for a while I blamed her for my parents splitting up when I was 11; my dad fueled that by telling me lies saying my mom was on drugs and having sex with random men which of course I believed because I was 12. When they first split up I moved in with my dad because I've always been a daddys girl and my sister lived with our mom. While I lived there I dealt with his anger towards my mom being taken out on me. He always yelled at me for unnecessary reasons, grabbed me by my arm really hard and shook me, got in my face a few times, etc. He never beat me or anything but one time he got in my face and pushed me because he was mad about my mom and my other sister had to step in and stop him. After all that my mom made me move in with her and that's when the depression started. I started to cut my arms with led pencils and kitchen knives and lash out on things like walls and mirrors, whatever I was near really. I was so angry. Once I started getting help I had to show my arms to the doctor and the school counselor to ensure I wasn't doing it anymore. I just moved the place from my arms to my chest, stomach and thighs. I never did it to bleed a lot, just enough to leave a scar. After a few years I stopped cutting on my own with no help because I realized how dumb that was. I bottled in all of my emotions which I still do to this day because I feel alone even though I have friends and family. I just don't want to burden them with my problems that probably don't even make sense, when they have enough things going on in their lives. Hence why I'm resulting to find help online. For as long as I can remember I've overreacted about everything because in my mind everything is a huge deal. I've never like being away from my family especially my mom so the thought of her leaving the state and moving across the country freaks me out to the core but I can't explain how badly it is effecting me because California is literally killing her.. She's from Illinois and that's where her heart is. Her family is there, her soul is there, her home is there.. I wouldn't ever take that away from her because of my selfish needs. But her and my sister leaving makes things extremely difficult for me because I have to move out by January 2018 and I'm only 18 years old. I'll only be 20 at the time so I don't see how I'll have enough money to support myself. Moving with friends or family is not an option, their houses are full. So with all of these things adding up I'm beginning to really stress myself out with overwhelming thoughts and it's causing me to want to cut myself again. I get so angry some days because I feel like everyone I love is leaving me. Not only my mom and sister but my ex who is my other post, he's moving an hour away and I rely on him for emotional support. He'll be too busy with school to listen to my insanity. And my friends are all getting jobs or going to college or moving out with their partner. I never want to get out of bed anymore I'd rather just lay here and sulk. I'm getting really worried for my health can someone please help me..

Edited by kamurj
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Hi...

 

I understand depression. I've been dealing with it, same as you and for much more years. I am in my 40's.

 

I suggest you move with your mom.. if possible? Because as you stated, there's nothing much re: work for you, where you are... right? Then why can't you go with mom?

and see about a new life out that way?

 

I know you feel the urge to cut, but pls don't go there. Learn other ways to 'vent'. If you're just yearning to 'ease' the pains inside.. how about getting a brush and pushing the bristles against your skin to 'feel it'. There is not cutting.. but you will feel sensations.

 

I also cut as a teen and went many years without doing so. I learned how to cope without cutting.

I also suggest you keep on with therapy. If possible, find one you DO feel comfortable with.

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"Never EVER make any big/life decisions during times of great happiness or depression"

 

Life is a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. This applies to EVERYONE. Everyone deals with this at some point and time. You are not alone.

 

Make decisions, think about things when things level off/are normal.

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Maybe it would help you some to give journeynow some advice in this thread:

 

 

 

(You don't have to if you don't want to, but sometimes helping others with something related to what we're struggling with ultimately helps us)

 

The first thing I would recommend for you personally is to find a less damaging why to cope with your emotions. Go out and run as fast as you can until you have to stop because you can't breathe. Punch and kick a heavy bag until you don't want to anymore. Something, anything that lets it out without doing physical damage.

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  • 3 weeks later...

How about considering moving with your mum, maybe the change of environment will help? Not only will you then be around family still for support, but there may be more opportunities out there for you in terms of jobs, new people etc. You don't have to make it a long term thing, you could give it a year to see how you feel then consider moving back to where you are now? If you are feeling this down about the whole situation now, and you have another year and a half till the move, then you may end up getting worse which is not what you want. Is there anything in particular you'd like to do like job wise or hobbies you want to pursue? Because you could spend time focusing your energy into that and having the knowledge of set plans (moving with your mother) may really benefit you.

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