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Unbearable pain after break up - please help


Lotusavx
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hello. I am 21 years old and my boyfriend who I have lived with for 2.5 years and been with for a total of 4 has broken up and moved out of our apartment. I am very broken, so is he. We had a tumultuous relationship, mostly because I was so young (17) when it began. I had many issues that pushed him away, jealousy, insecurity which all got better over time, but didn't disappear completely. He had issues too, and we have broken up 3 times. This one is final. He was bi polar, hardly had a steady job if at all. People in my life are happy I am not reason (that I was too good for him in many people's eyes). But what I saw in him was a beautiful soul with a big heart and loving caring personality. Despite the rockiness of the relationship, it was good at times. I dealt with many self esteem issues through out our relationship. I feel like I put my happiness and well being in his hands and he couldn't deal with that. I stayed despite him treating me badly and dealing with his bi polar out bursts at times. I wouldn't even be mad about something, and he would take it the wrong way as if I'm being a , and flip out. Admittedly, I did cause most with my insecurities and jealousy. I can see that it wasn't good, as he would do many things that bothered me...have beers during the days, I couldn't stand his friends, stay out late with his buddies. I just got to not be able to stand his lifestyle. I felt it unfair that I was working full time and he was doing this and always in between jobs. But something always brought me back to him (maybe due to my low self esteem and that he was my first love). I always wanted him back, and despite him being the way he was, he always had way more logic than me when it came to how it was a toxic relationship at point and he was always the one to put his foot down and leave.

 

So now, I am left with an apartment (lease was in my name for credit reasons), he has moved to his parents house and is going to find a place. I am moving in with my mom, and I'm starting college in September. I have a very hard time dealing with break ups. It's very painful to be in our apartment where we shared many good times, so I've been staying with friends and my mom and sister. I'm very broken, sad and having a hard time going to work. I feel like no matter what anyone says, I don't believe it will get any better. I have some temporary relief with talking to people and watching movies. I just feel like I will never get over it and always going over what went wrong.

Living with my mom will be a huge transition, as I have been living with him since 18. I have learned to be independent and almost feel weird about being at home again.

The strange thing is, that we are talking (though I know the no contact rule is imperative to healing) because we have to talk about where our stuff is going, our cat and our moving dates. But when we talk, we have a friendly, respectful connection together. He is almost helping me through it and telling me we will get through it, being very positive. It's making me feel good in a way, he made clear he still loves and cares deeply. It's not even giving me false hope of getting back together (because I know that won't happen) but it's like he is a good friend talking to me, helping me.

 

Anyways, thank you for reading and any insight is very appreciated.

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Well, I am sorry you're hurting, luv but I have to say; You will never get over this break up as long as you keep talking to him. When you get to school, before if possible, there will be a psychology department. I suggest you book sessions to help you with your self-worth and your personal boundaries so that you can figure out why you kept going back to the dysfunction. Most women would run a quick trot away from someone who treated them badly, they certainly wouldn't go back.

 

You don't believe this but your best bet is to stop ALL contact and no social networking stalking either. You are addicted to having him in your life and you will need to go cold turkey withdrawl in order to get over that addiction. Therapy will help you get the strength of conviction that you are much better off without him. Look at it this way, when you are healed from this, you will be open in heart and mind to find someone who does not treat you badly, someone who can work for a living and help with the financials.. a real partner in life and not some boy-addiction you have to the dysfunction.

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The cause of your pain cannot help you heal...it's imperative to stay NC otherwise your just pulling the scab off over and over..trust me I made that mistake ..I finally realized I needed to stop putting my hand on the stove..

Good luck at school, you will heal, it just takes time.

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Im sorry but you should really move on I been passing through kind of the same thing for 3 years now and I can't completely leave because im afraid but be strong and dont let him be the one who puts the foot down, its your turn now. Go out there and party, get to know yourself a little better and love you no matter what I wish I could have somebody to talk to... But atleast theres this and even though i said all this.... I'm still trying lying to my self that it will work. But you dont do that to yourself go out make friends and enjoy life

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  • 1 year later...

No, NC will not help.

 

When true love happens then that's it. You can go live in Eskimo land and you will still feel the pain.

 

Would doing NC with your mom and dad (who I presume you love?) make love for them magically dissappear?

 

No it would not.

 

Just give it some time and start relationship with him again.

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No, NC will not help.

 

When true love happens then that's it. You can go live in Eskimo land and you will still feel the pain.

 

Would doing NC with your mom and dad (who I presume you love?) make love for them magically dissappear?

 

No it would not.

 

Just give it some time and start relationship with him again.

you can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Your analogy is like comparing an apple to an orange.
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you can't quit smoking if you keep having a drag off of a cigarette. Your analogy is like comparing an apple to an orange.

 

And you are comparing love with addiction to ciggaretes?

 

I smoke pack of ciggaretes and even tho' nicotine is addictive, it has nothing to do with love. Love has nothing to do with addiction. When you love that's basically it you are trapped for life. So either NC it and pretend everything is okay or try to do something else.

 

But bare one thing in mind, I can take this last cig and smash it in my hand, and if I decide I'm not gonna smoke ever again.

 

Try to kill th e love you have towards someone and sooner or later someone will have a noose aroundtheir heads.

 

It's same stupid analogy with heroin or whatever. t has nothing to do with it. Love is not a chemical no matter what scientist say. It's not something you can touch with your fingers or just get rid off with doing no contact or avoiding someone.

 

Real love is forever and ever until the day you die.

 

NC is indeed just another form of lying to yourself. But natre is smarter then you think and no matter how long is NC game being played you will be in each other's arms if true love exist between two persons. You can try all things at your disposal to kill off that love but that love is stronger then anything you can throw it at it.

 

Worst thing that can happen is that you by accident involve third party in all of this and then you pretend you are happy with the results but you aint' you just try to kill off the true love and pretend and play housew with other person which does not share tue love with you. Then it can get messy.

SO BEST THING IS FOR BOTH OF YOU TO GET TO YOUR SENSES AND START WORKING ON THIS BECAUSE TIME IS TICKING. if it is indeded ture love. That's why you need some time to evaluate if it is a true love. If something still hurts deeply after 6 months then probably its real love and you should go "hunting". In other ways said - you need to be ready to sacrifice your ego, your life and everything you got to make that person see that it is a real thing. Plenty of people just do not know how to recognize real love but life will never make you love someone so much if theey are not intended for oyu which basically means life has also intended you for them . True love is always win-win situation.

 

Loving someone also has nothing to do with loving yourself. You are made to be loved by person you love and then you become one with that person and that's it.

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But if that person does not want to be with you?

 

True love is nice and everything, but no one can force anyone to be with them if they don't want to. It's not possible to "make that person see" something they don't agree with.

 

You said he still cares for you and talks to you. Now what you need to do is just change the things that bugged him about you and re-attract him because if you attracted him once, you have high chance to do it again.

 

In fact if you analyze what has been bothering him with you then you can easily make this go into your favor.

 

Him still being in contact with you and accepting your presence is big + and you can capitalize on that. In fact I think there is 100% chance of you being back together but only if you change some of your ways.

 

I think you are both young, and you say he has a big heart. I think it's easy to missinterpretate big heart with kindness. I'm sure he is kind and sweet, but having a big heart means - NO ESCAPING.

 

I have a big heart so I never broke up with none of girls. No matter what is the trouble (except if they cheat) I will be here to talk things trough and go on and build the relationship.

 

In other words - I leave no wounded behind me. What he has done is left wounded behid him and now he's sending medipacks because he is probably aware he fuced up.

 

There is no such thing as "toxic" relationship. Every relationship has problems. He should read less Man's Health and surf the Internet and go by his feelings. Toxic relationship is just a phrase people use to justify them leaving the relationship.

 

No relationship is perfect nor it would be normal that everything is perfect. It's impossible. Ergo every relationship would be "toxic".

 

Use the medipacks, work on yourself, re-attract him, and finally enjoy your life.

 

Only thing that I'm worried about is the fact he has that lavish kind of lifestyle (you should be enough, friends should be second and not the priority) and the fact he is willing to abandon ship so easy. Also I find it very cruel to be so cold-blooded about things because he can concentrate on his stuff and live a normal life after such long and intense relationship. There seems to be something robotic about him, he probably does not even understands himself and is just used to be that way like coping mechanism.

 

In any way, adjust yourself and then ram his stupid toxic exucses and robotic behaviour with pure love. He won't stand a chance.

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My ex could have "rammed" me with whatever he wanted and I still wouldn't have gone back. In fact, he did try to "ram" me with messages and emails, and all it did was make me tell him to leave me alone and then I blocked him.

 

The other person in the relationship has a say so too, not just the one broken up with. You can't force someone to be with you if they choose not to!

 

As for the "no such thing as a toxic relationship", please Google "domestic abuse", for example. Or read some of the threads on here that speak of obsessive, controlling jealousy.

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