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Dating after abuse...


littleone2010

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I was abused for 6 years by my ex husband mentally and physically. I have since got out of the marriage and started

dating a guy for 6 months. He completely ignores my ex when he starts stuff like stalking me and slashing my tires.

The new guy wont say a word to him or me about it. He wants to be completely neutral in it all due to the fact of

Me and my ex have a 6 year old daughter.

My boyfriend does not understand my fears and my anxiety that the years of abuse have caused me. I am going to a therapist

over my issues and have come a long way. When my anxiety gets too much. I start to stress over stupid things like

does he love me does he love my daughter and i freak out. He gets up set over it and ignores me and it takes are

relationship back. I have tried to explain to him when my fears start coming out to reassure me and comfort me.

But he doesn't he just ignores me which then turns into a fight between us. I know I am in the wrong by taking my

past and my fears out on are relationship. How can i get thought to him exactly what I am going through and how

to help me and not ignore me.

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How is about you don't date him? This guy does not sound good for you, and the fact that he is making no effort whatsoever to be on your side is causing you anxiety and unhappiness -- what's the point of dating him?

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It may not feel good to you, but what he is doing is actually good for you. By refusing to soothe you, he is enabling you to find ways and means to soothe and balance yourself by yourself. It makes you a much stronger person and your path to healing is going to be faster as a result. Not easier, but faster and better. In fact your post and your recognition that this is your problem at the core is a reflection of that healing process well on its way.

 

If he did what you wish, then it wouldn't be you dealing with the problem, it would be him fixing it for you temporarily. It may feel good for you, but that will leave you weak and dependent and vulnerable to getting into other abusive relationships. Keep going to therapy, keep learning ways and means on how to self-soothe and handle or eventually even get away from these types of anxieties. Like I said, it won't be an easy path, but you will be so glad you took it when you look back.

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I was abused for 6 years by my ex husband mentally and physically. I have since got out of the marriage and started

dating a guy for 6 months. He completely ignores my ex when he starts stuff like stalking me and slashing my tires.

The new guy wont say a word to him or me about it. He wants to be completely neutral in it all due to the fact of

Me and my ex have a 6 year old daughter.

My boyfriend does not understand my fears and my anxiety that the years of abuse have caused me. I am going to a therapist

over my issues and have come a long way. When my anxiety gets too much. I start to stress over stupid things like

does he love me does he love my daughter and i freak out. He gets up set over it and ignores me and it takes are

relationship back. I have tried to explain to him when my fears start coming out to reassure me and comfort me.

But he doesn't he just ignores me which then turns into a fight between us. I know I am in the wrong by taking my

past and my fears out on are relationship. How can i get thought to him exactly what I am going through and how

to help me and not ignore me.

Exactly. I'm very sorry that you suffered an abusive relationship, but you should not be dating until you're in a position not to transpose your past and fears into a new relationship. While there will always be some residual effects from the past, you're asking way too much and way too soon.

 

How long has it been since you've been out of your marriage? Why not focus on your daughter and therapy?

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Totally agree with others. You are not ready for new relationship.

 

Take at least 1 year off and keep up on therapy and really take time to reflect on yourself and see what went wrong. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. After all you did remain with abusive person for 6+ years.

 

Good luck

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All these are law enforcement and court matters. Your friends or bfs should not be handling this. A new bf can not take the place of the police or courts or therapy. Call the police if you are being stalked or vandalized, well as making sure a restraining order is in place.

 

Unfortunately you are not ready for a new relationship because you still seem too raw from your experience. A new man can not undo the damage or be a body-guard.

I was abused for 6 years by my ex husband mentally and physically. He completely ignores my ex when he starts stuff like stalking me and slashing my tires. The new guy wont say a word to him. He wants to be completely neutral. I am going to a therapist over my issues.

 

I have tried to explain to him when my fears start coming out to reassure me and comfort me.

But he doesn't he just ignores me which then turns into a fight between us.

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Hi, I am sooo! Sorry that you are having to face this feeling, due to your years of abuse. I understand exactly where you are coming from on this, as I was abused too.

 

I read your post and I wouldn't say you are exactly taking it out on your new partner. From what you are saying, he doesn't seem to want to listen or understand how this has affected your life and mental state of well being. This is something he seriously needs to understand, as it's the only way he can give you the support you are seeking from him. That support is understanding. I do think it is good that he keeps out of getting involved in disputes between you and your ex partner, as there is a child involved and it would make it harder on you, if he did say something, as it will affect his ability to be around your child, if he alienated your ex, so on that point I do agree with him.

 

You need to sit down with your new partner and work out a way of explaining how your abuse has led to your current state of health and then reassure him, that you do want to move on with him and just a little concern and comfort from him, will go a long way.

 

Wish I could take the pain away from you, but all I can do is be here if you need to talk.

 

Hope you get him to listen.

 

Christina x

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Your boyfriend is right to not get involved with your ex. He should not stand up to or talk to your ex. You expect your boyfriend to "rescue" you and that is not what he is doing. In fact the worst thing is for you to get involved with a "rescuer". You need to go to the cops with the slashed tires.

 

If he says he loves you, but then you freak out and doubt him and quiz him if he actually does - I would have no time for that. I want to be with someone where I tell them that I love them, and show it by treating them well, and yet they quiz me about if I do or not. I would take it a step back if I had to put up with that.

 

It is up to you to recognize what your reactions are and work through them versus expecting someone else to "when I freak out and say mean things to you by accusing you of not really loving me, you have to pretend I didn't mean it and hug me and hold me and tell me its all okay"

 

You need counseling, you need a RESTRAINING ORDER. You can make it so that he can't come within so many feet of you and if you must exchange your daughter, it is done through grandparents. What you don't need is a boyfriend to be your therapist or to stand up and punch your ex's lights out.

 

I agree if you are not ready for a relationship you should end it. You do have a guy right now that seems to have healthier boundaries than you. He might not put up with it all much longer and may leave on his own.

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Just re- read your thread. Don't try to talk to him, when your already worked up with anxiety. You need to sit down in a calm state, not angst for a solid talk. I understand what other people are saying here and they have very valid points, but I can also see this, from your perspective. He clearly does love you, because he wouldn't have taken on a relationship with someone who has children.

 

Please speak to someone,regarding your ex for advice on what you can do about stalking.

 

Hope you are able to sort this out and that you find some peace within your life.

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