asking about past relationships

[notalady]

She said she lied because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

 

Has she lied before? And did you state your boundaries about lying not being acceptable?

[faraday]

Dude your girlfriend is scared of you and rightfully ****ing so. Driving to her house to make sure she's actually working because his majesty requires a written and signed excuse not to spend time with him is borderline insane. Of course she's afraid to tell you upfront she wants a night to herself.

 

Leave the poor woman alone. Whether or not she's given you a reason to distrust her, you are out line.

 

Gotta say...this is what I thought too. The reason people lie about dumb things like this is because they know telling the truth will be way more drama/work than lying.

 

 

 

OP, can your gf say "I need time by myself" without it being a big deal? Does she need to explain why...do you get frustrated that she doesn't want to spend that time with you? Is she an introvert?

 

I need several hours alone every day. My fiancé has a weird job where he'll be gone for a month sometimes (sometimes 6 months) and then home for weeks/months. It's tough- when he's gone I miss him...but when he's home...following me around the house all day...I go crazy. The saving grace of his work situation is that he gets me- i can say "I love you, go away." And he does. He doesn't take it personally because he's an introvert too.

 

Your gf wasn't cheating on you. She was alone in her house...and she felt she needed to lie to you to get that alone time. It might be time to spend less time together. Let her recharge in between dates.

[ocman]

OP, can your gf say "I need time by myself" without it being a big deal?

Of course!

 

We live 30 miles apart and only see each other on the weekends, the problem is she works a lot of weekends, so it maybe 2 weeks before we see each other. We agreed that we would do everything we could to see each other on the weekends, so naturally, if she wanted a weekend off, all she had to do was say so.

 

She's only working part time so she has plenty of time during the week to be by herself, is she so desires.

 

I would never force her or guilt trip her into letting me come over just because I wanted to see her, that's crazy.

 

*I might add that we're talking about buying a condo together and one would think if we're willing to do that, that we would want to see each other all the time...

[j.man]

Wait, so you drove 30 miles to make sure she wasn't playing hooky? Jesus, guy.

[ocman]

I think I would characterize it more than just playing hooky...

[j.man]

Buddy, someone who does what you did isn't subtle-enough-to-keep-secret crazy. Believe me, this woman lied to you because that level of crazy shows and she thought telling you "I'd just rather spend the weekend by myself" would result in you doing something obsessive and dramatic.

[ocman]

Believe me, this woman lied to you because that level of crazy shows and she thought telling you "I'd just rather spend the weekend by myself" would result in you doing something obsessive and dramatic.

While I appreciate your response, that is clearly speculative on your part, as I posted earlier, she said lied because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, not that she was worried about drama etc.

 

She was off on Friday, worked 4 hours on Saturday and was off on Sunday and Monday. I went by on Sunday.

[j.man]

While I appreciate your response, that is clearly speculative on your part, as I posted earlier, she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

 

She was off on Friday, worked 4 hours on Saturday and was off on Sunday and Monday. I went by on Sunday.

Well if she didn't think you were the type to act completely obsessive and dramatic before, she certainly does now.

[ocman]

Maybe, I just don't like being lied to...you seem to condone lying if for the right reason(s).

[notalady]

Maybe, I just don't like being lied to...

 

And how have you conmunicated this to her?

[Hermes]

"ASk me no questions and I'll tell you no lies".

 

Or, put differently, "it is for you to ask and for me not to tell."

[ocman]

And how have you conmunicated this to her?

Absolutely, to be honest I was almost ready to end the relationship over (as j.man seems to think) this trivial lie...

[faraday]

Of course!

 

We live 30 miles apart and only see each other on the weekends, the problem is she works a lot of weekends, so it maybe 2 weeks before we see each other. We agreed that we would do everything we could to see each other on the weekends, so naturally, if she wanted a weekend off, all she had to do was say so.

 

She's only working part time so she has plenty of time during the week to be by herself, is she so desires.

 

I would never force her or guilt trip her into letting me come over just because I wanted to see her, that's crazy.

 

*I might add that we're talking about buying a condo together and one would think if we're willing to do that, that we would want to see each other all the time...

 

If you guys only see each other every two weeks and she cancelled one of those times...I'm going to say that...she's probably not that into you. I'm sorry It's not a good sign though when you guys see each other that little and she doesn't want to see you after two weeks. I thought you guys were spending all downtime together....she shouldn't need alone time if she hasn't seen you in two weeks.

[ocman]

If you guys only see each other every two weeks and she cancelled one of those times...I'm going to say that...she's probably not that into you. I'm sorry

We spent time together the weekend before, so if we didn't see each other the weekend in question, it would've been 2 weeks the following weekend.

[faraday]

We spent time together the weekend before, so if we didn't see each other the weekend in question, it would've been 2 weeks the following weekend.

 

....Okay? So you normally see each other every weekend or every second? How long have you been dating?

 

I think it's odd if someone doesn't want to see their partner at least once a week (if they don't have full time custody of a child or are working 70 hour work weeks and have weekly business travel). A normal schedule (working/school for less than 50 hours a week) should be able to accommodate weekly visits.

[ocman]

....Okay? So you normally see each other every weekend or every second?

At least every other weekend, sometimes every weekend.

 

How long have you been dating?

We've been dating for about 2 months, but 6 months the time before (1.5 years ago).

 

I think it's odd if someone doesn't want to see their partner at least once a week (if they don't have full time custody of a child or are working 70 hour work weeks and have weekly business travel). A normal schedule (working/school for less than 50 hours a week) should be able to accommodate weekly visits.

I think it's odd too. She works about 30-32 hours per week, but sometimes it's 7 days a week. I offer to come over during the week especially if she works 9-1, but she prefers to be by herself doing her own thing. I try to give her space during the week, but I expect to see her during the weekends.

[faraday]

At least every other weekend, sometimes every weekend.

 

 

We've been dating for about 2 months, but 6 months the time before (1.5 years ago).

 

 

I think it's odd too. She works about 30-32 hours per week, but sometimes it's 7 days a week. I offer to come over during the week especially if she works 9-1, but she prefers to be by herself doing her own thing. I try to give her space during the week, but I expect to see her during the weekends.

 

I don't think that your relationship needs are unreasonable.

 

Sometimes we can like/adore/love someone...but they aren't the right fit for us. It seems like you both have different expectations of what being in a relationship looks like...and that mismatch may end up being a deal breaker.

 

With her work schedule, I would expect she'd be up for at least once a week.

[ocman]

I don't think that your relationship needs are unreasonable.

 

Sometimes we can like/adore/love someone...but they aren't the right fit for us. It seems like you both have different expectations of what being in a relationship looks like...and that mismatch may end up being a deal breaker.

 

With her work schedule, I would expect she'd be up for at least once a week.

I agree...She keeps saying she wants to move in together and in the future buy a condo together, so I'm quite miffed when seeing her a couple times during the 7 day week as a problem.

[faraday]

I agree...She keeps saying she wants to move in together and in the future buy a condo together, so I'm quite miffed when seeing her a couple times during the 7 day week as a problem.

 

Actions and words aren't matching. That's always a red flag imo.

[ocman]

Actions and words aren't matching. That's always a red flag imo.

It seems like an uphill struggle sometimes to see her frequently...

[notalady]

Why did you stop dating 1.5 years ago? Seems massively distrusting of you to show up at her place to verify if she was really working, in a short 2 months of dating.

[ocman]

She went back to her ex-husband...

 

I wouldn't have even been suspicious this time had her texts not been unusually different (meaning not matching what she had previously told me)...

 

I totally get that I over stepped her boundaries regarding her privacy AND going to her house to check on her is somewhat problematic, however I'm sure this can be worked through to an understanding that both of us will be able to move forward with. In that same light, I will make it clearer that we should be seeing each other every weekend at the least (if she isn't good with that, then I will have to make a decision)...Sure there will be times that maybe impossible, but in our situation, "like you say" it's not an unreasonable request.

[notalady]

You're her second option and she doesn't sound that into you. She left you to go back to her ex 1.5 years ago, now after only two months of dating, already lying to not see you as planned. The reason being she didn't want to upset you. If you've never been upset about her not seeing you, then I don't see why she would lie about it. Overall, I don't see the point of keep dating her.

[ocman]

You're her second option and she doesn't sound that into you.

You very well maybe right...

[catfeeder]

Is your goal to preserve your relationship, or to sabotage it?