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Me and my girlfriend have been going through a rough patch at the moment due to me developing health anxiety and minor depression and it has really taken a toll on us but she stuck with me through it all, I noticed a distance in her and we discussed and sorted it all out and we were on the road to being happy again. Last night I had an opportunity to read her messages as I knew she'd been texting a guy she slept with a long time ago (I know I shouldn't have gone through her phone but I was drunk and my anxiety got the better of me) there were some flirty texts there and I noticed when she wasn't replying or talking to me she had been chatting away to this guy in massive paragraphs and cheeky flirty messages such as talking about what she was wearing to an Ann summers party and saying she wished she was with him when he mentioned he wished she was there. I brought it up to her and she said it meant nothing and that was the way her and this guy had always talked to eachother, she acknowledged it was flirty and apologised saying she would cut all contact with him to which I said I don't want her to do that as I don't want to be the reason she loses a friend. Since this happened she has told me she thought nothing of what was said and she loves me and wants to do anything to make it up to me that she can and that the shady buisness stops here or our relationship does. The question is do I forgive her, I understand why she was pushed away due to our relationship troubles but I thought we were getting better, I'm just a bit confused and need someone to advise me on if I should end it now or forgive her and move on, If I trust her when she says nothing was going to come out it and she will never do it again I open myself up to being a pushover and it happening again and in my current head state I dont think I can do this again, somebody please help

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Um, no. Her behavior with him is not appropriate while she is in a relationship. She may just enjoy the attention, or might be after something else.

 

She definitely crossed the line. I'd tell her to knock it off with the flirting with an EX or you both are done. And if she had any respect for we relationship with you, she would cut this dude completely. Friends don't talk the way they both are.

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Not sure if they were sexting. Sexting involves sending nude photos to each other. She could of been telling him that she was wearing some sexy dress (the OP's description is very vague here). They're just heavily flirting.

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She isn't respecting the relationship with you while doing this. Would she have told you this if you never looked at her phone? Do you believe she will stop this behaviour? I'm asking you this because you said your anxiety got the better of you. To me that sounds like you still felt something was off and found the explanation for it.

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Ok, first to state, it's ok to be friends with your ex's that you ended on good terms. But she is flirting with that guy, it doesnt even matter wether they are friends or not, she is flirting with him and that is inapropriate when you are in relationship and not to mention hugely dissrespectfull towards you .

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So what is my action plan? Should be noted I love this girl very much and she has never given me a reason to suspect she doesn't feel the same but can this be forgiven do I accept her apologies and attempts to fix this and move on with our relationship or do I end it now?

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I've been through it twice. She's remorseful for getting caught. But it's likely she won't stop unless you put your foot down and tell her it's disrespectful. You need to move past your fear of loosing her. This is the beginning stages of processing what life would be without you and with someone else. Believe me, just a friend turns into just texts into just catching up into just meeting up for drinks into just sex. In the mean time your caught up creating rational for why you are over reacting and then ending up here asking how she can throw out the relationship and become so cold, while we are telling you she processed the breakup long before she did it.

 

You cannot and should not control her. You should, however, let her know that if her friendship with her ex is that important to her, you need to do what's best for you and move on.

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Only you can decide if the risk of this happening again, or worse, is worth it in order to be with her now.

If you decide to stay, trust will have to be rebuilt. That takes time. That too is your decision if you are willing to deal with the ambiguity while you see if you can trust her again.

 

There are no guarantees, sorry. And nothing she can do or say to take away the hurt she caused. You will have to deal with that yourself, whether you stay with her or not.

 

I don't think crying means much. Her actions going forward are what matter now.

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Talking to Ex = deal breaker to me.

 

She knows exactly what she is doing and she knows this guy is just after her body/her....and not a friend.

 

Her cries = more reason for concern. She is trying to pull you in with emotional behavior (not good or healthy). Don't fall for it.

 

Like others have said, what she does going forward is what matters.....assuming you even want to stay with such person.

Edited by DoF
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I'd ask yourself, "If we happen to go through a rough patch again, can I trust her not to cross boundaries with her ex again?" Wouldn't be worth it for me. I'd be worried about anything I might do to upset her to the point she does it again. Not my idea of a fun relationship.

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She has repeatedly cried to me and said how much she loves me, she has decided to cut communication with this guy regardless or not if I want her to although I don't believe she would have told me if I hadn't found out

 

Exactly.. if you hadn't checked.. I doubt she'd had said anything about her & him....

 

Your choice... you going to speak up for yourself or take this behavior?

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You're getting great advice in this thread, OP. And she is effectively cheating on you on an emotional level when she does these things. Why put up with it? Have more self worth. I know it sounds easier said than done from a bunch of Internet strangers, but you have to think about yourself for the long term. If you end things now it will hurt for a while, but it would be a lot better than staying with her and risking this happening again, causing even more pain and prolonging your healing.

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