- New guy in the picture...want to talk to her again.

[JustAGoodGuy]

It's been two months (in one more day) since my ex girlfriend called it quits with me. There wasn't much reasoning behind it. I've put alot of thought into everything over the past two months and even though there wasn't much reasoning behind her decision, I have found ways to improve myself. It's an ongoing process but I'm continuing to improve.

 

It's kind of weird...after having such a good day yesterday, I was overcome with this overwhelming sadness when I went to bed. I was able to take control of my emotions and get to sleep fairly easily though. It's been getting easier to do that -- 'take control'.

 

I last contacted her on March 18 -- her birthday. I woke up today and I have this strong urge to contact her but it's kind of a difficult situation. She started hanging out with another guy the day after we broke up (rough, I know) and low-and-behold, they're dating now, since who knows when. I feel it happened within a week or two after we split. I still have no idea how she could do that to me, but I'm letting that thought go, and chalkng it up to a bad case of the grass is greener syndrome. I kept minimal contact (there was definitely the occasional outburst which I deeply regret and am sorry for) up until her birthday -- before I knew about this other guy -- in hopes of getting her back. Since her birthday, it's been strict no-contact.

 

Because she jumped into a new relationship so fast, I feel like she hasn't given me or 'us' a second thought, and she hasn't given any of her mistakes any thought either. She never had the opportunity to feel the true consequences of her decision. It's not that I'm hoping for us to reconcile, but it's killing me knowing that I allowed things to turn a little ugly with my outbursts. I don't want that to be her final thought of me. I hate that the door for any possible future with her -- whether it's being friends, or something more -- is completely shut at the moment. I feel like she is holding onto a grudge and unable to forgive the mistakes I've made post-breakup, ie - trying to contact her and getting upset when she was cold or wouldn't respond. I wasn't respecting her wishes and I understand that and have realized it was selfish of me to think she should respect mine (Imo, I still think it's cruel for dumper to think the dumpee is being selfish when they're the reason the dumpee is acting irrational to begin with, but there's always two sides to the story and I definitely do see both now). I would like to get back on good terms with her but at the same time, I'm continuing to drop the hope of ever being with her again even though I feel she's my soul mate. There was a pretty good thread that gave me a good idea on what to do and say but I feel like I've already tried that. I only ended up hurt again.

 

My situation is also difficult in the sense that I still feel like I wasn't much at fault for things ending, so it's hard to keep the conversation I'd like to have focused on myself, my mistakes, and how I've improved -- so I don't come off as demanding and she doesn't feel pressured into giving me the answers she cannot give me. Those answers would be nice and I would like to get there eventually, but no hopes. Of course, there was definitely things I could've done better. I've recognized them, and I'm continuing to work on them, but I still feel like her lack of communication was a major cause. She would have relationship "talks" with me while we were together, but she was never able to verbally communicate that there was ever an issue big enough for her to consider leaving me -- which is why I felt so blind-sided. It's difficult for me to work on my communication -- which was also lacking -- when it's only me that's willing to communicate. It takes two people to do that. It's so frustrating. Other than on her birthday, she has pretty much ignored my every attempt to have the slightest bit of conversation -- no matter what it was about. I would get nothing, which is why I've been in strict no-contact since then.

 

It also doesn't help knowing that her mother has been planting all these negative thoughts about me in her head and keeps telling her that this new guy is a major upgrade. I can find some comfort knowing that that's exactly how she was with me when we started dating though. I also find some comfort knowing that she's making all the same mistakes she made with me, which I'm pretty sure not too many guys -- other than me -- will put up with for very long. She's going down the exact same path we went down -- very quickly I might add -- and that's why this whole thing smells of a 'desperate emotional rebound'. It doesn't seem like she's moved on, I was only replaced to avoid feeling the emptiness that both the dumper and the dumpee feel after a breakup. Even her mother has been going through the exact same thought process she went through with me. I started off perfect, she loved me, I was a major upgrade from her last boyfriend, etc. I helped out around her house ALOT. I even put in new flooring throughout her basement. They seem to forget how great I was to have around and only see me as the negative past now. I can't stand it, and I don't understand how I'm nothing more than this "negative past" to her. I was her first Everything and now I'm Nothing? Everything she has done seems like a complete 180° turn around in all her standards, morals, and values. I don't know how that's possible. Is it possible?

 

Any thoughts from a "dumpers" perspective on what I should do or say to better my odds of not being ignored? Any thoughts welcome really.

Keep in mind, my goal is no longer to win her back. My goal is ultimately to keep improving myself, and moving forward, all the while, not completely shut her out of my life for good. I know alot of you will think that's not moving forward, but I care about her on a much higher level than just a romantic way and don't want to lose touch with her. I'm mentally/emotionally prepared to have this conversation but I feel like she still hasn't given her mistakes any thought and thinks she hasn't made any, so she probably never will. I wish her happiness but I know this will haunt her in any relationship she finds herself in -- including the one she's in now.

[Clinton]

The ONLY thing to do after you've been dumped is accept it and move on. Any unwanted contact just screws things up further. If you don't contact them, you can't make things worse and they may start to miss you. BUT, that rarely happens.

 

So accept it's over, stop thinking about why because a lot of times we never know, and move on with your life. The future will take care of itself.

[shessofly]

If someone is ignoring you, you should leave them be. Trying to force your presence on them will only make matters worse for you, as this will be seen as yet another instance of irrational behavior. Most people never truly know the reason(s) why they were left. Keep bettering yourself and you will meet someone who is a better match, better communicator, etc., in the future.

[JustAGoodGuy]

If someone is ignoring you, you should leave them be. Trying to force your presence on them will only make matters worse for you, as this will be seen as yet another instance of irrational behavior. Most people never truly know the reason(s) why they were left. Keep bettering yourself and you will meet someone who is a better match, better communicator, etc., in the future.

 

Yes, I understand this, but I have left her alone for a while now. There really isn't any way to know if she is still ignoring me unless I try. I now feel -- within days -- that I've made a huge turn around when it comes to getting my emotions in check and having a completely different outlook on things. I would like her to know this so I can finish my moving on process without things being negative between us -- if that explains it.

[Shane Falco]

The more you try to control how she perceives you, the less successful you will be. You need to continue to leave her be. No reaching out, no sending out signals through third parties, nothing. If she wants to be in contact she'll let you know. If she cares to know about any changes you've made she'll look to find them out for herself.

[shessofly]

Yes, I understand this, but I have left her alone for a while now. There really isn't any way to know if she is still ignoring me unless I try. I now feel -- within days -- that I've made a huge turn around when it comes to getting my emotions in check and having a completely different outlook on things. I would like her to know this so I can finish my moving on process without things being negative between us -- if that explains it.

 

I understand how badly you want to rationalize it, but my opinion still stands. Contacting her will not make things better. You do not need her approval of who you are as a person in order to move on. SHe's got a new boyfriend - your contact will only look like the desperate ex boyfriend trying to hang on under the guise of friendship. I know it's hard but better for you to just move forward regardless of she might be thinking. I think she is not thinking about this anywhere near as much as you believe she is. If she ever reaches out to you, take that opportunity to tell her if you must but right now, at this moment or anytime in the future, do not attempt to contact her (IMO). Do not give her and the mom more ammo against you.

[JustAGoodGuy]

The more you try to control how she perceives you, the less successful you will be. You need to continue to leave her be. No reaching out, no sending out signals through third parties, nothing. If she wants to be in contact she'll let you know. If she cares to know about any changes you've made she'll look to find them out for herself.

 

I have no plans to contact her anytime soon but if I were, it would be nice to know a helpful way to do it with the best chance of it not blowing up in my face. It felt good writing out my thought process though. I'm still healing, grieving, letting go, moving on, etc. I've come a long way. The most difficult part now is knowing that it's my fault for allowing things to get sour between us. It shouldn't be like that.

[Liraele]

The ONLY thing to do after you've been dumped is accept it and move on. Any unwanted contact just screws things up further. If you don't contact them, you can't make things worse and they may start to miss you. BUT, that rarely happens.

 

So accept it's over, stop thinking about why because a lot of times we never know, and move on with your life. The future will take care of itself.

 

Yes, this.

 

Please don't contact her. She ended things, and has moved on. You should move on, too. Closure doesn't come from anything outside yourself, though I know it's a tempting thought to try to get it through contact and answers about the relationship.

[BlarneyStone]

Why do you want to be with this girl? She left you for someone else. She's no good, just another monkey brancher doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over when something "better" comes along.

 

Stop contacting her, don't social media stalk her, and don't get updates on her life.

[Shane Falco]

I have no plans to contact her anytime soon but if I were, it would be nice to know a helpful way to do it with the best chance of it not blowing up in my face. It felt good writing out my thought process though. I'm still healing, grieving, letting go, moving on, etc. I've come a long way. The most difficult part now is knowing that it's my fault for allowing things to get sour between us. It shouldn't be like that.

 

There isn't at this point because you aren't far enough removed. There's really no way you can initiate contact and have the conversation you want to have without giving a manipulative, needy ex-boyfriend vibe. It sounds counterintuitive, but you can't have the conversation that you want to have until you have absolutely no desire to have it. Only at that point will you be able to truly express yourself without being hurt, without having a hidden agenda, without coming off as needy or trying to manipulate her into perceiving your words in a certain way.

[JustAGoodGuy]

She ended things, and has moved on.

 

Is there a difference between moving on and replacing someone? It's how it looks when she's going down the same 'toxic' path we went down (I only say 'toxic' because our relationship ended -- other than that, our relationship was great).

 

Why do you want to be with this girl? She left you for someone else. She's no good, just another monkey brancher doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over when something "better" comes along.

 

I'm not looking to be with her anymore. I'm letting that go. One thing that bothers me is that she was never this "monkey brancher". It was totally against everything she ever stood for. It was such a sudden 180° turn around in her standards, morals, and values. It's one of the few things I'm still trying to rationalize. I know it needs to stop but I'm an introvert. It's difficult.

[Liraele]

Is there a difference between moving on and replacing someone? It's how it looks when she's going down the same 'toxic' path we went down (I only say 'toxic' because our relationship ended -- other than that, our relationship was great).

 

 

The thing you're missing here, and sorry to be brutal and blunt, but it doesn't matter if there's a difference. She ended things. She's with someone else. It doesn't matter why, or that she's repeating a cycle, or if he's just a rebound, or if they'll get married and have babies, or if they'll break up in a year and she'll start all over again. None of that has anything to do with you any longer because she ended things.

 

Breakups suck. Our over-thinking, rationalizing, hoping, wishing, trying to understand...all that makes it suck worse. Doesn't mean you're going to stop doing it... but reminding yourself that it doesn't matter, that you have the answers you need (she left; that's all you need to know) that your brain or heart or any other part of your anatomy trying to convince you otherwise is just insanity (and human.) It's OK to feel, think, whatever...don't give in to contacting or trying to get answers. Keep your dignity. If she approaches you at some later date, and you can handle an interaction like that, then take that opportunity. Seeking it out doesn't seem like a good idea.

[JustAGoodGuy]

I have no plans to contact her anytime soon but if I were, it would be nice to know a helpful way to do it with the best chance of it not blowing up in my face.

There isn't at this point because you aren't far enough removed.

 

I'm more-so asking for when that time comes where I am far enough removed.

[JustAGoodGuy]

it doesn't matter

 

I know it doesn't matter anymore. I know what I'm saying comes off as me trying to rationalize everything still, but I'm not. Yes, the thoughts are still there, but I've managed to take better control of them and set them aside. They come out when I write.

The part that does matter to me is that I care about her on a much higher level than just a romantic way so it's painful to watch someone you will never stop caring about make the same mistakes over and over again. That's all.

[BlarneyStone]

This is just how women operate sometimes man. They say one thing and mean another. Their words and actions don't always match up. Truthfully us guys have made them like this by being needy and insecure, so women have no choice but to beat around the bush with truth and lies. It's just the way it is.

 

On to the next girl, and by that I mean leave this girl alone. Completely. The logical aspect of things just won't make sense if you dont understand women.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Listen, I feel bad for you because you have rationalized this to the point you feel you may understand what the hell just happened. The problem, however, is you have only rationalized it from your own perception. You now feel you have changed, and you hate to see her make the same mistakes. But if you were to have a conversation with her about why this happened, all of your understanding would go right out the window and you'd be confused all over again.

 

I'm going to be blunt, and not trying to be mean. You liked her more than she liked you. She became interested in finding someone new so she strung you along until she did find someone new, because she didn't want to be alone. Now that she found someone new, she dumped you and is relieved it's over so she can enjoy her shinny new boyfriend. And she does not miss you, and won't miss you for some time to come. Only if she finds herself single again do you have any chance of her missing you. Did you miss any of your exes when you were with her?

 

This isn't your fault. Stop changing for her. She doesn't deserve it. However, this probably isn't her fault that she decided you aren't the one for her. Its on her how she handled the breakup, but that was the life decision she wanted to make. So she was not and is not your sole mate.

 

Right now, you are equivalent to an ex neighbor who wants to stop in to help her enjoy her new neighborhood. She doesn't want that. And the more you process the idea of somehow reaching her mentally, and finding that woman who cares about how you feel, the more you will remain in the ugly hurt you have right now. I was there too.

 

She dumped you, so you need to show her you are a man and dump her back. Don't worry about how you handled it originally because that is soon forgotten. Just block her out. Everywhere and every way you can. Make it damn near impossible for her to find you. Only through time and a failure in her future relationships will she ever want to reach out to you again. And no matter what you do now, she'll find you if she's that determined. Anything less is unacceptable. Don't rationalize and accept her changing the terms of the relationship. She made this decision, so give it to her full throttle. You deserve better, and once you stop learning anything new about her, and I mean anything, it's that point that the scare on your heart starts to heal.

 

Info and contact = pain. Don't do that. Prove to her you can upgrade from her. She is DONE. And I don't mean done with you. YOU ARE DONE WITH HER.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Did you miss any of your exes when you were with her?

 

To be completely honest and blunt. No.

[Shane Falco]

I'm more-so asking for when that time comes where I am far enough removed.

 

Then you probably won't have any desire to have the conversation that you are asking about because you will have moved on and will be looking forward, not backwards.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Sometimes I find it difficult to explain myself properly. I'm letting go. I'm moving on. I'm not trying to win her back. I'm not looking for closure. I'm not expecting answers. Do I want these things? Of course. Do I expect them? No. I understand she cannot give me these things unless she wants to and/or is even capable of. What's been done is done. What's been said is said. There's no going back. It's forgiveness I'm searching for. I've recognized my mistakes and would like her to know that and be able to forgive me for them to continue moving forward with my life. It would be alot easier knowing that she recognizes my mistakes for what they were--mistakes. Our relationship was great and I will always cherish our memories together. If our paths were to ever to cross in the future, there should not be resentment that was caused because of one single disagreement. That's how I feel at this point. I truly believe enough time has passed without speaking to each other where this really isn't asking for much.

[Shane Falco]

No, you are explaining yourself fine. What I'm saying is that once you have moved on (past tense, not the present tense which you're currently in), you will have forgiven yourself and you won't need her forgiveness or even really desire it. To be honest, unless you did something completely ridiculous and unforgivable (cheating, physical abuse, excessive verbal abuse) she'll have moved past it over time. Having been where you are, you're going to be less concerned about being absolved of whatever you did with time. I've done things in relationships that I didn't want to do and came to peace with them and learned from them without having the other person absolve me for them.

 

You can't see this being a possibility because you are still processing everything, but this is a conversation that you will not want to have as you move further and further along.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Trust us. With enough time, you won't care and she won't remember the bad. She won't have feelings for you, but no one wants to hold on to the bad indefinitely, so time will do its thing. You'll remember your bad actions more than she will. Use this as your practice to do the next one right.

 

The great thing about breakups is when you meet the next relationship and all the past means nothing anymore.

[JustAGoodGuy]

No, you are explaining yourself fine. What I'm saying is that once you have moved on (past tense, not the present tense which you're currently in), you will have forgiven yourself and you won't need her forgiveness or even really desire it. To be honest, unless you did something completely ridiculous and unforgivable (cheating, physical abuse, excessive verbal abuse) she'll have moved past it over time. Having been where you are, you're going to be less concerned about being absolved of whatever you did with time. I've done things in relationships that I didn't want to do and came to peace with them and learned from them without having the other person absolve me for them.

 

You can't see this being a possibility because you are still processing everything, but this is a conversation that you will not want to have as you move further and further along.

 

There was one point where I may have verbally abused her pretty excessively--never during our relationship. I don't think it was unforgivable though. Probably about 5-6 weeks ago she went from having a normal friendly conversation with me, to being totally cold shouldered and ignored. I had a bad outburst, I freaked the f**k out on her. I know it was wrong of me and I regret it deeply. She never spoke to me again--other than briefly on her birthday (nearly 4 weeks ago)--despite my sincere apology shortly afterwards. As I'm moving further and further along, I'm finding myself wanting this conversation more and more. It's not even so much of a conversation--just the recognition that she understands why I behaved that way and is able to forgive it. I find it's hindering my progress immensely. I've made so much headway--even just within the past few days--I've made a complete 180° turn around with getting my emotions in check and this is one thing I still feel awful about, and the longer I wait, the more awful I'm feeling about it.

[JustAGoodGuy]

Trust us. With enough time, you won't care and she won't remember the bad. She won't have feelings for you, but no one wants to hold on to the bad indefinitely, so time will do its thing. You'll remember your bad actions more than she will. Use this as your practice to do the next one right.

 

Yea, I understand. I don't know if it's true or not, but I've always felt that women tend to hold 'grudges' longer than men do. Hell, she absolutely crushed me with little reasoning and I've been letting it go faster than she can let a mistake that I made when I was understandably upset go.

Lol, I'm kind of seeing this as "practice" for another breakup (scary to think about) rather than "doing the next one right" seeing as how there wasn't much I did wrong during our relationship. It was only afterwards when I did the most wrong. I regret my actions but I need to be placing less blame on myself for them because her actions weren't any better. Mine were a very common reaction.

[Shane Falco]

There was one point where I may have verbally abused her pretty excessively--never during our relationship. I don't think it was unforgivable though. Probably about 5-6 weeks ago she went from having a normal friendly conversation with me, to being totally cold shouldered and ignored. I had a bad outburst, I freaked the f**k out on her. I know it was wrong of me and I regret it deeply. She never spoke to me again--other than briefly on her birthday (nearly 4 weeks ago)--despite my sincere apology shortly afterwards. As I'm moving further and further along, I'm finding myself wanting this conversation more and more. It's not even so much of a conversation--just the recognition that she understands why I behaved that way and is able to forgive it. I find it's hindering my progress immensely. I've made so much headway--even just within the past few days--I've made a complete 180° turn around with getting my emotions in check and this is one thing I still feel awful about, and the longer I wait, the more awful I'm feeling about it.

 

You were hurt and you lashed out. You aren't the first to do this and you won't be the last. She gets it. The fact that she spoke to you on her birthday and didn't bring it up or continue it is indication of that. There's no good reason to bring this up again.

 

Honestly, the best way you can "apologize" for doing that is to not act that way toward her again, not to rehash a memory that she probably has no interest in rehashing. Unless she's the most dense person in the world, she understands why you did what you did. And if she doesn't understand, than you having this conversation with her won't have any positive effect anyway.

 

It's best to let sleeping dogs lie, now and in the future. I've been where you are, and I've even tried to do what you want to do once. It made things worse for me and for her. The best apology you can give is to not bring this up out of the blue. It's not a good conversation for you to initiate at all.