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Sperm donation gone wrong


Schotjes

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Prior to meeting my boyfriend he donated sperm to two lesbians. He was living with them at the time...long story short he had been on meth for years and wanted to straighten his life out. They gave him a place to stay in return for him donating to them. This has been suggested by his sister, who was bestfriends with one of the lesbians. They eventually formed a friendship and him and I had met through work.

We started dating and he was gradually spending most of his nights at my house. He had taken me to meet them and I was very open to the situation, I even got attached to the child. At this point he was known as Juan to the child, not Dad. I noticed when he was spending less time with them they began texting him saying they wanted to see more of him and also asked him if he would have a problem with the little one calling him Dad. He said he would not mind at all, and I wasn't positive that our relationship was a forever thing at that point...so I pretty much stayed out of that. The child was approximately 5 months around this time. Shortly there after I had found out I was pregnant and the women began messaging me about how exicted they were for their little girl to have a sibling.

This is the moment everything changed for me. Wait a minute. So my child's father is going to be a father in two separate households? How will I explain this to my children? I didn't want to mix our families what so ever. Although it bothered me I just let my feelings sit for a while, until they asked for him to donate to them while I was pregnant with our baby.

Another red flag...are they intentionally trying to make their mark on our relationship? Anyway it all boiled down to us all sitting down and discussing the uncomfortable topics. He told them no that he didn't want to donate again and also that the whole Dad role needed to chill. Based upon my request. Am I crazy for having these feelings? This little girl has a Mom and a Dad, both of them just happen to be women. After I spoke on the subject and described why I felt it was a bad move to continue his role as Dad...they then got upset and said I wasn't allowed at their house anymore. I clearly stated that we can all still hang out and spend time together but as two separate households. I also said that if they wanted him to play Dad that he needed to have some sort of Dad responsibility. Like the little girl coming to stay the night with us...so she wouldn't feel like her Dad spent time with this other family and rarely spent time with her.

After some time blew over they began texting him, saying I was just some girl that came into his life and his child with them all of the sudden didn't mean anything to him. They also said that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too...which I didn't clearly understand unless they were trying to make him feel bad about having another life outside of them.

It has been almost a year now and I still have not heard a single thing from them. They talk to him about everything and exclude me. He has made nice with them and the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. I know they were here first, but things changed and got weird after I had been in the picture. No regard for my feelings were ever taken into consideration. I just am beyond over it. I have no idea what my next step should be. If I'm being irrational...no idea. He makes me feel like I'm crazy for having the feelings that I do. They have all tried to arrange a sit down but I won't do it. The lesbians didn't personally reach out to me like adults and apologize for the misunderstanding. The main thing that made them upset was me saying he should have responsibility for the child. They think nobody in the world besides them is capable of raising their child. They want him to be the father, but on their terms. I am to my breaking point. Any advice from someone on the outside?

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I honestly think your reaction was incredibly selfish. Although the baby was being raised by them they had an agreement for him to be part of their life, for you to just step in and make demands like that when they already had this dynamic in place.

 

Shortly there after I had found out I was pregnant and the women began messaging me about how exicted they were for their little girl to have a sibling.

This is the moment everything changed for me. Wait a minute. So my child's father is going to be a father in two separate households? How will I explain this to my children? I didn't want to mix our families what so ever.

 

This is very selfish all I hear is 'me me me what I want'. There are all types of families these days, you tell your children the truth I don't get why that's such a difficult concept. People parent in two homes all the time in instances of divorce, having multiple mother's to their child etc. They wanted him to be a part of his child's life which is very kind, not a lot of people afford someone that right, no matter what the circumstances of the babies birth.

 

I really don't think they need to apologize for anything. They didn't do anything wrong except allowing him to play a role in her life.

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I honestly think your reaction was incredibly selfish. Although the baby was being raised by them they had an agreement for him to be part of their life, for you to just step in and make demands like that when they already had this dynamic in place.

 

 

 

This is very selfish all I hear is 'me me me what I want'. There are all types of families these days, you tell your children the truth I don't get why that's such a difficult concept. People parent in two homes all the time in instances of divorce, having multiple mother's to their child etc. They wanted him to be a part of his child's life which is very kind, not a lot of people afford someone that right, no matter what the circumstances of the babies birth.

 

I really don't think they need to apologize for anything. They didn't do anything wrong except allowing him to play a role in her life.

 

I disagree. In divorce, each parent gets to establish his or her own household and raise the child as he / she sees fit. In this case, the couple is requiring that he be at their house, raising their child according to their direction. I wonder what was spelled out at the beginning - donor, or housemate for 19 years? It seems to me that are the couple, he is the temporary figure. Let him go, establish his own household, and act more like an uncle.

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I think you are looking at this wrong. First of all, you knew he had this kid when you got pregnant -- which means you chose to have a baby with someone who already had one. Then you decided that he shouldn't be father to another baby and that there is no way you wanted to combine families. I think this is foolish. If you really wanted a baby with someone who had no other children, you should have picked someone like that. Making his relationship with this kid harder is only going to eventually boomerang on you.

Also, these women initially showed a lot of interest in your baby -- that is a good thing. Why not have more people around who love your kid? And children really enjoy having siblings and will probably enjoy each other. Limiting the amount of love in someone's life seems silly.

You walked into this with eyes wide open and then changed your mind. This doesn't have to be full of negatives. It could full of positives.

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I guess I should have added that him and I came to an agreement that he would discuss with them the possibility of the lesbians drop her off at our house for play time so he can see her. He has yet to do it but the thing is, they don't trust him. Which they have no reason not to. It has nothing to do with the little girl, I love her. They just made it extremely clear that I don't fit into their idea of how it should be. So I'm not ignoring the fact that this little girl is alive. I want her to be involved with our children. Just not on a sibling basis. That's fine if you disagree, you aren't the one experiencing it first hand. There are a lot of details left out as well. Thanks for your input though.

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I guess I should have added that him and I came to an agreement that he would discuss with them the possibility of the lesbians drop her off at our house for play time so he can see her. He has yet to do it but the thing is, they don't trust him. Which they have no reason not to. It has nothing to do with the little girl, I love her. They just made it extremely clear that I don't fit into their idea of how it should be. So I'm not ignoring the fact that this little girl is alive. I want her to be involved with our children. Just not on a sibling basis. That's fine if you disagree, you aren't the one experiencing it first hand. There are a lot of details left out as well. Thanks for your input though.

 

You can't change them, and you can't demand trust or respect from anyone. Those things are earned. If you want them to trust their child in your home, then I suggest you write them a thoughtful note telling them you see now how nice it is for your children to have each other, for your families to be how they are with love binding everyone together. Also, support his involvement at their house. Come yourself. Invest in their child.

 

Make this about creating more love in the world, and change your expectations to match what you have (one key to happiness, in general).

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Honestly, this kind of situation is why if you're going to donate you go to the bank and do it that way. Right now if they decided they wanted child support from him, they could do that. If they decided to never let him near the child again, they could do that. Because this has happened withouth clearly delineated boundaries and now they're getting blurred.

 

 

There are a lot of details left out as well.

That doesn't really work when you're asking for advice. It's best to put as much detail in as possible.

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Honestly, this kind of situation is why if you're going to donate you go to the bank and do it that way. Right now if they decided they wanted child support from him, they could do that. If they decided to never let him near the child again, they could do that. Because this has happened withouth clearly delineated boundaries and now they're getting blurred.

 

 

 

That doesn't really work when you're asking for advice. It's best to put as much detail in as possible.

 

Yes! Was thinking previously how exposed he is, and also how confused everyone is about the arrangement. It would have helped to spell out the expectations in an agreement before hand, but given his history of addiction and their willingness to move him in as payment for a donation without further details, I sense there is a certain amount of chaos here that makes a legal arrangement beyond reach.

 

OP, if your bf can get to a place where he writes down what he understands is the agreement and shares it with them, that might help force everyone to clarify, even the words say "for the next 6 months, after which time parties will revisit this agreement and make adjustments as mutually agreeable at that time."

 

Also, he can begin to have some control by having a set schedule, such as,he comes by the house every Saturday morning and two mid week meals after work. Or whatever -

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This is very interesting! I have never heard of such dynamic.

 

I don't have much advice other then, keep cool and carry on. Eventually the kids will have some relationship considering they share the same dad. Sounds like the women are acting like they own the baby daddy and as if he is part of their relationship.

 

Idk this hurts my head! I hope it gets situated. What a stressful situation.

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His relationship with this child is a matter to be settled between the mothers and boyfriend. How that impacts your relationship is between him and you. Why would they be calling you about any of this? It sounds like even though they've got no obligation to, they've still offered a sit down and you've denied them.

 

I don't see any good coming from trying to force him into a taking a hard-lined position. If you're not willing to work this out with all parties involved when they've offered you a seat at the table to discuss it, I think you should just leave.

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Can I ask for some clarity? Had they always agreed on him being the sperm donor for more than one child? Did they have a written agreement? What are the terms and conditions of the system they set up?

 

Personally I think your shooting your relationship and your family in the foot. You are angry at these other women because they have say in your partners life. I think you need to start mending fences with them. You say they don't reach out to you but you also don't reach out to them. What is the main issue between you and them? Is it that you won't allow him to have another kid with them? Is it that you had a kid with him? Is it that he moved out with you, when they were hoping to keep him in the house?

 

You guys need to sit down and figure out what you all want and why. You're a family now. When you choose to have a child with him you were choosing to become a family with his other child and her family. And like most families you don't get along that great. Now it's time to figure it out before it negatively impacts your kids. You are the adults.

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To be honest I see this as any other blended family situation. Everyday millions of people around the world had children from prior unions whether or not they are involved with them. When child involvement is desired by the father and mother and that is mutually agreeable then it may be more complex but certainly not unusual.

 

The only unique thing about this is that lesbians require a sperm donation from someone they were not in a romantic union/marriage with.

 

Prior to your choice to become pregnant with him you were fully aware of both his meth addiction and living with/off these women as well as the sperm donation.

 

And while technically he has no legal rights/obligations..Yes, he is the biological father of both your child and their child.

It is between the three of them what level of involvement the lesbian couple want your bf/ the bio-dad to have with their son.

 

However you and your bf are a family now and he has refused to donate to them and has agreed to pull back as a male-daddy role simply for providing the sperm. And those choices are between you and your bf/baby-daddy.

 

Unfortunately they helped him when he was on meth and needed a crash-pad and he may still feel friendship and gratefulness. He is not cheating. Unfortunately your bf wants to maintain contact/a friendship with them whether you like it or not. You don't have to have any sort of pow-wow/intervention orchestrated by them or him to coerce you into liking them. However cooperation and acceptance of certain things goes a long way

 

Don't hold your breath for an apology from them because your bf is driving the friendship with them as well. Make peace with your bf and yourself. If you don't care for them, distance yourself, but your bf is the one choosing his friends. Focus on your own household family and keep that intact, regardless of your bf's friends.

 

Netflix 'The Birdcage' and chill.

Prior to meeting my boyfriend he donated sperm to two lesbians. He was living with them at the time...long story short he had been on meth for years and wanted to straighten his life out. They gave him a place to stay in return for him donating to them. This has been suggested by his sister, who was bestfriends with one of the lesbians. They eventually formed a friendship and him and I had met through work.

 

We started dating and he was gradually spending most of his nights at my house. He had taken me to meet them and I was very open to the situation, I even got attached to the child. At this point he was known as Juan to the child, not Dad. I noticed when he was spending less time with them they began texting him saying they wanted to see more of him and also asked him if he would have a problem with the little one calling him Dad. He said he would not mind at all, and I wasn't positive that our relationship was a forever thing at that point...so I pretty much stayed out of that. The child was approximately 5 months around this time. Shortly there after I had found out I was pregnant and the women began messaging me about how exicted they were for their little girl to have a sibling.

 

This is the moment everything changed for me. Wait a minute. So my child's father is going to be a father in two separate households? How will I explain this to my children? I didn't want to mix our families what so ever. Although it bothered me I just let my feelings sit for a while, until they asked for him to donate to them while I was pregnant with our baby.

 

Another red flag...are they intentionally trying to make their mark on our relationship? Anyway it all boiled down to us all sitting down and discussing the uncomfortable topics. He told them no that he didn't want to donate again and also that the whole Dad role needed to chill. Based upon my request. Am I crazy for having these feelings? This little girl has a Mom and a Dad, both of them just happen to be women. After I spoke on the subject and described why I felt it was a bad move to continue his role as Dad...they then got upset and said I wasn't allowed at their house anymore. I clearly stated that we can all still hang out and spend time together but as two separate households. I also said that if they wanted him to play Dad that he needed to have some sort of Dad responsibility. Like the little girl coming to stay the night with us...so she wouldn't feel like her Dad spent time with this other family and rarely spent time with her.

 

After some time blew over they began texting him, saying I was just some girl that came into his life and his child with them all of the sudden didn't mean anything to him. They also said that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too...which I didn't clearly understand unless they were trying to make him feel bad about having another life outside of them.

 

It has been almost a year now and I still have not heard a single thing from them. They talk to him about everything and exclude me. He has made nice with them and the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach. I know they were here first, but things changed and got weird after I had been in the picture. No regard for my feelings were ever taken into consideration. I just am beyond over it. I have no idea what my next step should be. If I'm being irrational...no idea. He makes me feel like I'm crazy for having the feelings that I do.

 

They have all tried to arrange a sit down but I won't do it. The lesbians didn't personally reach out to me like adults and apologize for the misunderstanding. The main thing that made them upset was me saying he should have responsibility for the child. They think nobody in the world besides them is capable of raising their child. They want him to be the father, but on their terms. I am to my breaking point. Any advice from someone on the outside?

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Can I ask for some clarity? Had they always agreed on him being the sperm donor for more than one child? Did they have a written agreement? What are the terms and conditions of the system they set up?

 

Personally I think your shooting your relationship and your family in the foot. You are angry at these other women because they have say in your partners life. I think you need to start mending fences with them. You say they don't reach out to you but you also don't reach out to them. What is the main issue between you and them? Is it that you won't allow him to have another kid with them? Is it that you had a kid with him? Is it that he moved out with you, when they were hoping to keep him in the house?

 

You guys need to sit down and figure out what you all want and why. You're a family now. When you choose to have a child with him you were choosing to become a family with his other child and her family. And like most families you don't get along that great. Now it's time to figure it out before it negatively impacts your kids. You are the adults.

 

They had never agreed upon a second donation. I am not against being involved with the little girl. I want her around and involved with our family...he knows that they should have apologized in a timely manner. We have discussed the events fairly often over the course of a year. I just feel absolutely disrespected because they expect the world to be open about their situation, which I was. However things got pretty weird and I started feeling like sister wives. I'm not into that idea, at all. I did say during the last discussion that we could still all be close and hang out...I just didn't want him being her Father figure. They don't allow him to have fatherly rights so he doesn't deserve that title. They took my comment about him having rights as we were going to take them to court...which is absolutely ridiculous. Afterwards they wanted him to come sign some papers stating that he wouldn't be involved and that she was their child. He backed me 100% and said they completely misunderstood me. After he explained this to them, they didn't want to hear it. This was around the time that I was willing to make things right between all of us. It was completely their misunderstanding that created the hostility in our friendship. I also found it weird that when he started spending more time with me....that's when they wanted him to be Dad. Which makes me feel like they noticed he wasn't spending much time with them, and I think they felt like they were desperate. Which was totally not the case...we were visiting them afterwards like 2 or 3 times a week. They were excited that I was pregnant and all of that. It just all became too much for me honestly. I gave him a child with no stipulations...but that wasn't something they could do. I'm just completely unsure as to where I should go from here. They made me out to be an outsider in their situation...also if he had played dad...would I be stepmom? Would my child that I had prior to meeting him be his little girl's sister? Like how is this not a huge cluster ?

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They took my comment about him having rights as we were going to take them to court.
Really? You spoke to his rights and are seriously surprised they took it as a legal precedent? In what other scenario do we invoke our rights? And why are they even hearing these kinds of comments from you? It's really not your place.

 

They made me out to be an outsider in their situation...also if he had played dad...would I be stepmom? Would my child that I had prior to meeting him be his little girl's sister? Like how is this not a huge cluster ?

You ARE an outsider. I'm understanding your misgivings about a lot of these things, but you seem centered on this guy not being the kid's father. It's not for you to be interjecting to decide.

 

You're very well entitled to set up boundaries for your new child, but you're being both invasive and abrasive. This situation is "unconventional" (to put it mildly) and I'm sure you're far from the only person who wouldn't be a fan of it. You've gotta either try to work with it or leave it. Your current approach simply is not going to work. Again, the decision between the mothers and him is their business. How his decisions in that area impact your relationship is yours and his. I'm thinking their attempt to be courteous and invite you to the table may have done more harm than good because it seems to have blurred the boundaries for you. Their child is their child. While not in a legal sense, your boyfriend can still be a father without custody. It happens all the time. Generally speaking, the significant other of the non-custodial parent is rarely seen as an actual step parent, so no, speaking aside from the fact you two aren't even married, I highly doubt you'll be put in that role. If you would like to be considered as such, then the sooner you start playing nice, the better your chances.

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Their arrangement was sperm donation. You two are a couple. You are not married so no, you are not step-mom to anyone and no, your bf is not your other child's step-dad.

 

However the child you are having with your bf will be a half sibling to your other child and his other child.

I gave him a child with no stipulations...but that wasn't something they could do. I'm just completely unsure as to where I should go from here. They made me out to be an outsider in their situation...also if he had played dad...would I be stepmom? Would my child that I had prior to meeting him be his little girl's sister? Like how is this not a huge cluster ?
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he knows that they should have apologized in a timely manner.?

 

I'm confused still. What did they need to apologize for?

 

You also said that at some point you were ready to start mending the relationship? Why didn't you? What changed?

 

Having a bunch of step/half siblings is what you were agreeing to when you got pregnant. You have a child already, he had a child already. It's not that complicated of a situation, you just summed it up in a sentence and you get the kids whole lives to explain it. I think you'll find the the kids won't have issues understanding it and it's a pretty normal thing to have all kinds of blended families these days.

 

What is it that you want? Could you explain what you are hoping this might look like? Knowing that all these people are going to be involved in some way in each others lives and in yours what do you want?

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I can say with near 100% confidence that this all boils down to the fact she wants his and her coming child to be his only child.

 

She already has a kid.

 

My fear is that she wants these women out of her life. It sounds like they have done a great deal of good for her partner. And it sounds like they all hit a hurtful emotional bump that she is holding onto.

I hope she can find a way to get over it and forgive them and ask for forgiveness.

 

It hurts to be asked not to be in someone's home. And it's scary to have a child with someone who has a complicated relationships. But she can try and heal it. And if she can't she needs to be clear with her partner and these other women so everyone knows what they are walking in to.

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She already has a kid.

 

My fear is that she wants these women out of her life. It sounds like they have done a great deal of good for her partner. And it sounds like they all hit a hurtful emotional bump that she is holding onto.

I hope she can find a way to get over it and forgive them and ask for forgiveness.

 

It hurts to be asked not to be in someone's home. And it's scary to have a child with someone who has a complicated relationships. But she can try and heal it. And if she can't she needs to be clear with her partner and these other women so everyone knows what they are walking in to.

I know she has a kid, which is why I actually consider it pretty audacious that she seems to want to monopolize this guy's sense of fatherhood to the kid they're about to have when she herself has another child outside of the relationship.

 

What baffles me is that she is OK [or at least claims to be] with the women's child being around, and even the women themselves. She draws a distinct, if arbitrary, line with him having the title of "father" to the kid.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I went ahead and put some deep consideration into the situation based off of everyone's responses. I honestly thought I'd have more understanding responses from people who were actually able to place their selves into my shoes on this.

 

Anyway, I realized that the situation was causing my relationship major stress, it was causing me major stress, and I'm sure my children were aware that I wasn't quite myself throughout this whole deal. I went ahead and decided to be the bigger person here.

 

After talking with my significant other about everything and how it has put strain on our relationship, we came to an agreement. I decided I was going to go ahead and have a sit down with the lesbians and discuss what went wrong here. The one who reacted the worst during our initial conversation ended up apologizing to me for overreacting to what was said. She was under the impression that I meant I was wanting to take her child away from her through the court. I informed her that it wasn't and hasn't ever been my intention to remove the child from their care...and I felt they were very competent to raise this child. I told them all of what made me uncomfortable, including the change of this is Juan to this is your Dad. They both were very understanding of my feelings and we all made an agreement to never let something like this happen again.

 

We all got up and hugged and let eachother know that what we have is a solid foundation regardless of the dynamics. Although I'm still hurt by all of the time that went by, because of a misunderstanding...I am happy that we were all able to discuss it and move forward.

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Hopefully there will be peace now for you and your bf. Does your bf realize now that he can be friends with them but needs better boundaries with them? What did he make of it?

I realized that the situation was causing my relationship major stress, it was causing me major stress. After talking with my significant other about everything and how it has put strain on our relationship, we came to an agreement. I decided I was going to go ahead and have a sit down with the lesbians and discuss what went wrong here. The one who reacted the worst during our initial conversation ended up apologizing to me for overreacting to what was said. I told them all of what made me uncomfortable, including the change of this is Juan to this is your Dad.
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