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Long term relationship, but i found someone else...


JennyRush

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Hi so I am posting in here because i desperately need advice from someone non biased.

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 2 years. Before this month we barely ever fought, are with each other almost everyday, we have common interests, mutual friends and are so in love with each other it's crazy. We would talk about marriage, having kids, what our future would look like and agreed on almost everything. We are both close with each others families as well. Before we were dating we were best friends, we have known each other since grade 7, graduated together, went to prom together and now he works full time (going back to college next year) and I work part time and go to university. We are currently both 19 and i love him so much, and i know breaking up with him would be painful for me, but probably even worse for him, as I am his first ever girlfriend and he is quite shy with girls (I had to make all the first moves)...

 

So here is the problem, about one month ago i started getting feelings for this guy at my new job. He is a server and I am a hostess, we both go to the same university - he is 21. (2.5 years older). I thought at first it was just a crush and casual flirting at work, and i even felt guilty for flirting back at work. He had asked for my phone number several times and i said no, because i have a boyfriend and i didnt want the crush to turn into anything more. Finally last week I gave in and i gave him my phone number and we had lunch together at school (very casual) and then that night he texted me asking me if i wanted to go on a date with him (i thought i had made it clear that i had a boyfriend but i guess not), anyway i didn't wanna hurt his feelings so i said 'maybe lets talk about it tomorrow on our break at school.'

 

Anyway, I have NO idea why i did this but i told him that i want to break up with my boyfriend and dont really like him as much anymore, which is only kinda true. Since i met this other guy I feel less excited to hangout with my boyfriend, the little things about him have started to bug me, I get irritated with him, less sexual desire, when we are having sex it's almost like i am picturing this other guy. But the thought of breaking up with him KILLS me inside, we have so many future plans together (two music festivals, a concert, weekend getaway - all of which we have bought tickets for/booked).

 

I want to stay away from this other guy but I can't quit my job (I love it and am making decent money for part time) and it scares me how badly i want to go on a date with him. This guy has never actually had a girlfriend before, and i don't know any of his friends (I do know his brother from high school) and i am scared that if i did break up with my boyfriend i would regret it deeply... I feel like the worst person in the world for leading two guys on at once but i seriously don't know what to do any advice would be helpful, thank you for reading.

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Hi so I am posting in here because i desperately need advice from someone non biased.

 

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 2 years. Before this month we barely ever fought, are with each other almost everyday, we have common interests, mutual friends and are so in love with each other it's crazy. We would talk about marriage, having kids, what our future would look like and agreed on almost everything. We are both close with each others families as well. Before we were dating we were best friends, we have known each other since grade 7, graduated together, went to prom together and now he works full time (going back to college next year) and I work part time and go to university. We are currently both 19 and i love him so much, and i know breaking up with him would be painful for me, but probably even worse for him, as I am his first ever girlfriend and he is quite shy with girls (I had to make all the first moves)...

 

So here is the problem, about one month ago i started getting feelings for this guy at my new job. He is a server and I am a hostess, we both go to the same university - he is 21. (2.5 years older). I thought at first it was just a crush and casual flirting at work, and i even felt guilty for flirting back at work. He had asked for my phone number several times and i said no, because i have a boyfriend and i didnt want the crush to turn into anything more. Finally last week I gave in and i gave him my phone number and we had lunch together at school (very casual) and then that night he texted me asking me if i wanted to go on a date with him (i thought i had made it clear that i had a boyfriend but i guess not), anyway i didn't wanna hurt his feelings so i said 'maybe lets talk about it tomorrow on our break at school.'

 

Anyway, I have NO idea why i did this but i told him that i want to break up with my boyfriend and dont really like him as much anymore, which is only kinda true. Since i met this other guy I feel less excited to hangout with my boyfriend, the little things about him have started to bug me, I get irritated with him, less sexual desire, when we are having sex it's almost like i am picturing this other guy. But the thought of breaking up with him KILLS me inside, we have so many future plans together (two music festivals, a concert, weekend getaway - all of which we have bought tickets for/booked).

 

I want to stay away from this other guy but I can't quit my job (I love it and am making decent money for part time) and it scares me how badly i want to go on a date with him. This guy has never actually had a girlfriend before, and i don't know any of his friends (I do know his brother from high school) and i am scared that if i did break up with my boyfriend i would regret it deeply... I feel like the worst person in the world for leading two guys on at once but i seriously don't know what to do any advice would be helpful, thank you for reading.

 

 

As harsh as it sounds, you have a lot of growing up to do from the sound of this thread. It's typical what your going through and it'll be a lesson learned in the long run. Saying you didn't feel guilty flirting with another man while in a relationship is a clear sign that your not mature enough to be in one. Your with a faithful guy who hasn't caused you any problems but yet your excited because you see the "excitement" of a new guy. The problem with that is pretty soon it'll develop into a habit and you'll be in and out of relationships each time you meet a "better" guy. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve what your doing and going to do to him. Not only are you considering breaking up with him but your cheating on him. Yes, giving your guy to a guy you flirt with is cheating. Red flag with the new guy is the simple fact that he's flirting with you knowing your in a relationship. I've seen multiple guys do this thing, they seek the thrill of breaking a couple up, "getting with" the girl and that's it.

 

Your young though and have no real serious experiences with relationships so it'll just be a lesson you'll have to learn. If you breakup with your guy, don't lie to him and don't blame him. Tell him the truth, that you wanna go out and experience yourself, this way he doesn't go on thinking it's his fault. Don't whatever you do, breakup with him over text.

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As harsh as it sounds, you have a lot of growing up to do from the sound of this thread. It's typical what your going through and it'll be a lesson learned in the long run. Saying you didn't feel guilty flirting with another man while in a relationship is a clear sign that your not mature enough to be in one. Your with a faithful guy who hasn't caused you any problems but yet your excited because you see the "excitement" of a new guy. The problem with that is pretty soon it'll develop into a habit and you'll be in and out of relationships each time you meet a "better" guy. Your boyfriend doesn't deserve what your doing and going to do to him. Not only are you considering breaking up with him but your cheating on him. Yes, giving your guy to a guy you flirt with is cheating. Red flag with the new guy is the simple fact that he's flirting with you knowing your in a relationship. I've seen multiple guys do this thing, they seek the thrill of breaking a couple up, "getting with" the girl and that's it.

 

Your young though and have no real serious experiences with relationships so it'll just be a lesson you'll have to learn. If you breakup with your guy, don't lie to him and don't blame him. Tell him the truth, that you wanna go out and experience yourself, this way he doesn't go on thinking it's his fault. Don't whatever you do, breakup with him over text.

 

The man, the myth, the legend has spoken.

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You're not leading two guys on, you're leading one guy on (the co-worker), and cheating on the other (your BF).

 

If you're serious about staying with your BF, then you should end all non-work related communication with the other guy, stop texting him and give direct replies to his advances (a simple no to his date requests)

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It's OK if you want to break up with your boyfriend and date the other guy if you want to, but you have an absolute obligation to break up with him prior to going out with the new guy again, or having lunch with him again. Even though you're not having sex with the new guy, it's still cheating if you are dating the new guy while dating your boyfriend as well. Just because you have concert tickets with someone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship with them.

 

It's easy to develop feelings for someone when you work with them and they are flirting with you. Learning how to deal with it correctly is part of growing up. One thing you can think about to guide you toward what you should do is ask yourself the question how would you feel if your boyfriend was behaving in the same way. We can't always do just what feels good. In the long run, it's important to define yourself as being a person with integrity.

 

I think you should decide if you love your boyfriend or not. Think about the time right before you met the new guy. If you don't love him, then leave him, so you can maintain your integrity. And if you do love him, start tomorrow finding another job and shut down the contact with the guy a work. If it's important enough to you then you can find another place to work, and if it's not important enough to you then just leave your boyfriend.

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Using your current boyfriend as a safety net is wrong. If you want to pursue this new guy, end your current relationship first. Anything else is just you being selfish and trying to have it all at the same time.

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He had asked for my phone number several times and i said no, because i have a boyfriend

 

that night he texted me asking me if i wanted to go on a date with him (i thought i had made it clear that i had a boyfriend but i guess not), anyway i didn't wanna hurt his feelings so i said 'maybe lets talk about it tomorrow on our break at school.'

 

This guy has never actually had a girlfriend before

 

You are being super naive if you think that you can hurt this guy's feelings. He kept asking you out even though he kept being rejected. He kept asking you out even though he knew you had a boyfriend. He has no problem asking girls out and being rejected. Yet he "has never actually had a girlfriend before"? This guy is clearly a player and not into relationships. He has clearly no respect for relationships and no integrity. He is certainly not going to start with you, especially when having witnessed firsthand how you are willing to betray your boyfriend like that.

 

You are clearly not in love with your boyfriend anymore. This is not his fault. It is nobody's fault. You are too immature to appreciate what you have with him. However, you need to break up with him ASAP. Getting irritated and making him feel bad is really unfair. It's not him, it's you having the grass is greener syndrome and cheating. Yet at 19, he is probably going to blame himself. The longer you subject him to this torture, the more it is going to hurt his self-esteem and potentially make him develop trust issues that could carry on to his future relationships. Nobody deserves that. Stop cheating at him. Break up. Stop using him like a safety net.

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You're 19 years old and it is showing....

 

You need to break up with your boyfriend. Feeling irritated and not excited about hanging out with him anymore really isn't fair to keep stringing him along. Think about how you would feel if someone was doing that to you.

 

As for the guy you are flirting with at work, do you really know him? Yes it may seem exciting that some guy is showing you attention, but don't fall into that trap. Young guys are notorious for saying what they need to say to get with a girl. I really wouldn't be hopping from relationship to relationship.

 

This is how I see things playing out you break up with your boyfriend (hopefully), you go on a date with this new guy start pursuing a relationship with and all of a sudden he drops you like a bad habit. If you are cool with that scenario, then go for it.

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Obviously i wouldn't break up with him over text.

 

I also said i do feel super guilty about flirting back if you read it correctly.

 

Feeling 'super guilty' doesn't fix anything.

 

Guilt is like pain; let's say you reach over to the stove while it's on. The nerve endings in your fingertips tell you you're in pain, but not until you pull your hand away will it make a difference.

 

You're feeling guilty, but not until you fix this situation, one way or another, will that guilt make a lick of difference.

 

I guarantee you're going to be in this exact situation many times during your life. The question is, what is the right thing to do?

 

I think you know what that is.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You are young and yet you don't realize it trying to juggle not hurting one person and having something else will cause you much more pain then either telling your boyfriend it's over, no matter how hard it is. You sound like me when I was 19 and now i'm 32 posting on this site because I didn't try to let my GF go. I held on and thought I could go behind her back and do exactly what you are doing but love will keep you and your BF together even through this but it's going to create a toxic situation for you in the future.

 

 

The right thing to do is be single for many years and have fun, whatever fun is to you. It's normal to feel good when someone gives us attention. Your BF sounds like he hasn't given you any troubles but you guys are babies a lot of difficulties are yet to come.

 

Hope you make the wiser decision because all routes lead to pain and heart break it's just how much pain you want to handle and how you want to handle the pain for others.

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