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Crush rejected me and now he ignored me


kikovioletmizu
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My crush rejected me saying he has been seeing someone else at the moment (when I confessed my feelings to him, telling him I wished we could be more than friends), and now I think we're in awkward terms. We will still bump into each other in college, this puts us at a difficult situation as there are gonna be a number of activities in which we're both involved in.

 

What I don't get is this: It's funny how he was the one who rejected me, and now he's ignoring me as though I do not exist. Is he trying to avoid eye contact with me? Like why? I could act and be completely cool and normal around him, but it's weird how he seems like he is the one feeling very awkward around me. I hope we could like at least still talk like normal friends, like before I confessed.

 

We used to talk (before I confessed) for a while with good chemistry. I'm sure he felt comfortable expressing himself out when he was with me when we were on friendship term before. He was really nice to me when we were talking before I told him I liked him.

 

What should I do? I may bump into him anywhere in college. Should I just avoid him when I see him so he will feel more at ease with me around (since he is ignoring my presence now)?

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What I don't get is this: It's funny how he was the one who rejected me, and now he's ignoring me as though I do not exist. Is he trying to avoid eye contact with me? Like why?

Of course he's avoiding you. He told you he has a girlfriend, you told him you wished you could be more than friends. The whole situation is now extremely awkward, so I don't blame him. He's moved on and is not interested in you,

 

What to do? Move on. And yes, avoid him if you can. He's not interested.

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He apologised for not being able to love me back, and that he's currently unavailable at the moment. It's fine if he is not interested in me, but I hope he could at least stay friends, like you know, smile when he sees me like a matured guy. He ignoring me makes the whole situation even more awkward. So do I continue this? What if I was to bump into him one day?

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Did you know that he already had a GF when you raised being more than friends?

 

The guy likely doesn't want to send you mixed signals to lead you on, so he's shut down at the moment. I'd just pleasantly greet him as I pass by and not attempt anything more. Allow time to dilute the awkwardness, so should your paths cross at a party or in a class you can just continue to be civil without pursuing anything beyond passing kindness.

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He doesn't want you to misunderstand his intentions and he wants to keep his new girlfriend happy so he is avoiding you - it's hard to strike the balance -certainly he should be polite/civil so what I would do is limit the interaction to polite/civil and then he might feel more comfortable doing the same.

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Yeah, my first question is similar to Catfeeder's - how did you not know he had a girlfriend in advance? And lesson learned for the future, before sharing feelings, find the person's status first. Now you're going to have to back off and give it space, because there will be awkwardness for a while as it would for anyone. He knows how you feel, so to be respectful of his girlfriend, he will have to keep a distance from you and make sure you don't get any wrong ideas.

 

And backing off will also give you a chance to move on without getting caught up looking for all kinds of secret signs that you think shows he actually likes you. Many people do that to themselves.

 

You said there were talks with "great chemistry", it would have been good to apply some of those talks to actually finding out if he was dating someone which doesn't have to be blatant, something under the radar such as "I have to study all weekend, I hate that. How about you? Study weekend, or are you going out..."

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I honestly didn't know he was actually seeing someone just recently, until I confessed my feelings to him. He told me he couldn't 'like' me back because he is chasing after her at the moment.

 

Yes we did have great chemistry. I knew him for quite a few months already, and from what his close friends said, he doesn't seem to be hitting up anybody or is currently in any sort of relationship. And he had never mentioned anything about him having a girl he likes or a girlfriend throughout all the times we talked. He even asked me if I am single or in a relationship the very last time we caught up with each other. He coyly smiled when I told him I'm single.

 

All of a sudden he told me he has been seeing someone at the time I confessed. This took me a huge surprise because in my knowledge he has always been living the 'single life'. Well since he is not interested in pursuing anything further than this, I accepted this and will move on. Thanks everybody for the kind advice! =D

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Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.

 

^^

 

This is the best advice I have ever come across. Thank you catfeeder, I totally agree with you. I should back off, stay silent and do my own . Hope everything will eventually sort out for itself. However sometimes I do miss the friendship I used to have with him, as in how comfortable we could share many things together. Whenever he's with me, he would express all of himself out and seem very trusting to let his emotions down without guard, probably he might feel comfortable in confiding in me. Anyways it might just be me overthinking and he is just being nice.

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^^

 

This is the best advice I have ever come across. Thank you catfeeder, I totally agree with you. I should back off, stay silent and do my own . Hope everything will eventually sort out for itself. However sometimes I do miss the friendship I used to have with him, as in how comfortable we could share many things together. Whenever he's with me, he would express all of himself out and seem very trusting to let his emotions down without guard, probably he might feel comfortable in confiding in me. Anyways it might just be me overthinking and he is just being nice.

 

When someone feels comfortable enough with you to 'spill' their stuff, that means they may like you in a therapeutic kind of way, but this can be an entirely different thing than a romantic way.

 

It's not that love can't develop through intimacy, it's just that most people are simply NOT our match. When we can grasp that, it's very liberating. It means that out of millions of people in the world, we're going to develop varying degrees of intimacy and sharing. But if we're monogamous people sexually, we only get one lover. At least at a time.

 

If this guy has been focused on a crush on someone else, that will block his vision of you. It's common that crushes remain a secret. I've made passing remarks to friends about someone who's attractive, but never about someone I was secretly crazy about. I've come to learn the same is true of an awful lot of people.

 

When someone rejects you romantically, it simply means that he doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens. You deserve someone who matches you in this regard, and yes, that's rare. It's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

 

Hold out for the right match, and allow wrong matches to pass early. Rejection only speaks of another's limits, not of any deficiency in you.

 

Head high.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Recently, a friend of his told me he's gay. That is the main reason why he rejected me. He is not dating anyone at all, and he is not keen or interested in dating any girls at all. But he is the gay-in-the-closet, which means he tells it to no one, except for his friend (whom told me this). How should I deal with this? If he is gay, why would not he continue being my friend as before? How do I get him to reveal his sexual orientation to me? I accepted this and I am not judging him at all. I just wished we can be friends like before.

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He apologised for not being able to love me back, and that he's currently unavailable at the moment. It's fine if he is not interested in me, but I hope he could at least stay friends, like you know, smile when he sees me like a matured guy. He ignoring me makes the whole situation even more awkward. So do I continue this? What if I was to bump into him one day?

 

The situation is awkward because he is feeling awkward about it at the moment. He probably doesn't know how to react. He may even feel guilty by talking to you now he knows how you feel because 1) he has a gf and 2) he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

In time it will settle back into a normal pattern. Just continue to smile when you come face to face but keep a safe distance for now. That way he will know that you aren't pining after him and eventually he will stop feeling awkward around you.

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I really should read the whole thread before replying ...

 

Recently, a friend of his told me he's gay. That is the main reason why he rejected me. He is not dating anyone at all, and he is not keen or interested in dating any girls at all. But he is the gay-in-the-closet, which means he tells it to no one, except for his friend (whom told me this). How should I deal with this? If he is gay, why would not he continue being my friend as before? How do I get him to reveal his sexual orientation to me? I accepted this and I am not judging him at all. I just wished we can be friends like before.

 

YOU don't have to deal with this. HE does and he will do so in his own way, in his own time. This is his private business (you aren't even supposed to know) and you may do more harm than good by poking your nose in. Besides, you don't even know if it is true!

 

That fact that he may be gay doesn't change anything. He is still feeling awkward around you at the moment and you still need to give things time to settle back down. The advice you've received so far remains the same.

 

In fact, he could feel even more awkward around you because he isn't ready to reveal his true sexual orientation to anyone just yet and this has almost brought it out in the open. Leave things be. Don't push it.

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ok so that means I cannot do anything at the moment to save our friendship back, and can only wait until he is ready to face me like before again, am I right? Thank you for your help and advice! =)

 

Well by not doing anything you are actually doing something. You are allowing the emotional dust to settle and giving your friendship the chance to rekindle again. You are also proving to him that you have accepted things in a mature way, without any drama. So long as you aren't putting the pressure on (which he may interpret as you having an ulterior motive) you are giving your friendship the best chance to get back to some kind of normality. I certainly wouldn't approach him about being gay, that didn't have anything to do with your friendship. If it was something he wanted you to know he had the perfect chance to tell you. You don't want to make matters worse by bringing something out in the open that he isn't ready to bring into the open. Just continue to be civil around him but at a safe distance.

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Your response is thoughtful and wise. Very true, there is no need for me to attempt bringing him out from his closet to clarify things, especially he hasn't told a single soul except for his best friend (the one who told me he's not straight). Continue being civil around him but at a safe distance sounds like a highly mature thing to do, but I'm afraid that by doing nothing and wait for time to work things out by itself - I might risk losing our friendship forever. Judging from his personality, I do not think he will try reconciling our lost friendship.

I was initially thinking that since he has been gay from the start, he would never had cast any real feelings or emotions of love towards me since the very beginning. Shouldn't this be easier for him to brush all of this off away and remain friends with me, since he never liked me in the sort of way of seeing me as his potential beau? Or is he feeling very awkward about all this? On my side, I do not cast any more hopes on him being more than a friend to me. I have resolved our past matters in my mind, and I find all these trivial now.

Thank you forum mates for your precious thought to this. They are enlightening and fresh - seeing this matter from different perspectives.

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Recently, a friend of his told me he's gay. How should I deal with this? If he is gay, why would not he continue being my friend as before? How do I get him to reveal his sexual orientation to me?.

You have no right to get him to reveal his sexual orientation to you. At all. It is his own private business and has nothing to do with you. It is up to HIM, who he chooses to share this with.

Also, you cannot make people like you, or want to be friends with you. It seems he has chosen NOT to be friends and though it may be hurtful to you, you have to learn to accept that this is what he chooses in his life. Not everyone you meet will like you, love you, or want to be your friend. That's life.

 

I would suggest you accept that it is what it is and move on. He's not interested in a friendship with you.

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It seems he has chosen NOT to be friends and though it may be hurtful to you, you have to learn to accept that this is what he chooses in his life. Not everyone you meet will like you, love you, or want to be your friend. That's life.

I would suggest you accept that it is what it is and move on. He's not interested in a friendship with you.

 

That's a harsh and blunt response, but I appreciate your effort in typing your thought out. I have encountered a few experiences where the guys I like ended up distancing themselves away from me after a while when we started to become closer. I remember one of them even told me straight-forwardly that he is just not interested to pursue our friendship further, he did not want to continue being friends either. I wonder why, I presume I myself am the reason why. Maybe I am just not up to their liking or preference or my personality may just turn them off. However I did not do anything hurtful or mean to offend them in any way, all I did was just being nice and cool and welcoming.But what you said is right, I just have to accept that it is what it is and move the hell on.

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That's a harsh and blunt response, but I appreciate your effort in typing your thought out. I have encountered a few experiences where the guys I like ended up distancing themselves away from me after a while when we started to become closer. I remember one of them even told me straight-forwardly that he is just not interested to pursue our friendship further, he did not want to continue being friends either. I wonder why, I presume I myself am the reason why. Maybe I am just not up to their liking or preference or my personality may just turn them off. However I did not do anything hurtful or mean to offend them in any way, all I did was just being nice and cool and welcoming.But what you said is right, I just have to accept that it is what it is and move the hell on.

I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be harsh/blunt. There just isn't any other way of trying to get across the message that you cannot control how people feel about you etc. Sometimes life can be hard and doesn't always go our way.

 

That said, I think you pretty much have answered your own question.

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That's a harsh and blunt response, but I appreciate your effort in typing your thought out. I have encountered a few experiences where the guys I like ended up distancing themselves away from me after a while when we started to become closer. I remember one of them even told me straight-forwardly that he is just not interested to pursue our friendship further, he did not want to continue being friends either. I wonder why, I presume I myself am the reason why. Maybe I am just not up to their liking or preference or my personality may just turn them off. However I did not do anything hurtful or mean to offend them in any way, all I did was just being nice and cool and welcoming.But what you said is right, I just have to accept that it is what it is and move the hell on.

 

Instead of internalizing rejection, why not work on grasping that with millions of people in the world, most people are simply NOT our match.

 

That's actually very liberating. It allows you to relax into your own Self without apology instead of doing pretzels to try to appeal to the masses. You're not running a marketing campaign looking for masses, you're seeking ONE right match who 'gets you'. So be yourself and hold out for that, and view any rejection as someone who doesn't own the right lens to appreciate your unique value--and trust that the RIGHT person will.

 

If I could have understood this concept earlier in life, I would have spared myself a lot of pain and lots of effort to appeal to people who I'd later learn that I had no business even dealing with.

 

Rejection is not a 'problem,' it spares you from involvement with the wrong people. Allow wrong matches to pass early, and with each one you're a step closer to meeting the right match for you.

 

Head high.

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Your response is thoughtful and wise. Very true, there is no need for me to attempt bringing him out from his closet to clarify things, especially he hasn't told a single soul except for his best friend (the one who told me he's not straight). Continue being civil around him but at a safe distance sounds like a highly mature thing to do, but I'm afraid that by doing nothing and wait for time to work things out by itself - I might risk losing our friendship forever. Judging from his personality, I do not think he will try reconciling our lost friendship.

I was initially thinking that since he has been gay from the start, he would never had cast any real feelings or emotions of love towards me since the very beginning. Shouldn't this be easier for him to brush all of this off away and remain friends with me, since he never liked me in the sort of way of seeing me as his potential beau? Or is he feeling very awkward about all this? On my side, I do not cast any more hopes on him being more than a friend to me. I have resolved our past matters in my mind, and I find all these trivial now.

Thank you forum mates for your precious thought to this. They are enlightening and fresh - seeing this matter from different perspectives.

 

I think you need to put aside the fact that he is gay. Firstly, you don't even know if it's true and secondly, it doesn't really change anything anyway. He doesn't know how to behave around you at the moment because of your revelation. He would feel awkward around you right now whether he was gay or straight. In fact, if anything, maybe being gay has made it a little more awkward because he feels he is coming close to having to reveal his sexual orientation when he isn't ready to. There is always the chance, of course, that he came up with the idea of saying he was gay to put you off pursuing him further. After all, before that, he told you he had another girl in his sights.

 

You have feelings for this guy, therefore you are focusing far too much on getting him back in your life ... even if it is just as a friend. However, if he is keeping a respectful distance in light of your revelation then so should you. Respect his need for space right now. Carry on with your life so he knows that you are happy and cool with everything. Pushing him to be in your life is going to make him back off even more because he thinks you are really after more than just friendship. You need to prove otherwise and staying out of his personal space right now will do that. Maybe you aren't ready to be his friend right now anyway. The space may help you too. Why not focus on your other friends for now.

Edited by Blue68
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I have encountered a few experiences where the guys I like ended up distancing themselves away from me after a while when we started to become closer. I remember one of them even told me straight-forwardly that he is just not interested to pursue our friendship further, he did not want to continue being friends either. I wonder why, I presume I myself am the reason why. Maybe I am just not up to their liking or preference or my personality may just turn them off. However I did not do anything hurtful or mean to offend them in any way, all I did was just being nice and cool and welcoming.But what you said is right, I just have to accept that it is what it is and move the hell on.

 

I think you need to accept that when you reveal to a "friend" that you have feelings for them it changes the balance and the dynamics of that "friendship" entirely. You aren't on an equal footing anymore. They feel they have to be careful around you because they don't want to hurt you or lead you on. Most of us realise that "friendships" don't really work when one has feelings for the other. It isn't personal, it just isn't the equal friendship that they thought it was.

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