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Advice would be nice.


edwardo

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I really don't know where to start so I will just tell my story. It might be long, but I have always found writing cathartic.

 

My wife and I just celebrated our 20th anniversary earlier this month. To the best of my knowledge everything in the relationship was going along ok. Like most people, we have a few issues here and there, but for the most part I have always felt we were a good match. I love my wife, I can't remember not loving her. We never had kids, if that tidbit of information matters. Over the years we have buried parents helped raise brothers dealt with some depression and anxiety issues -from both of us. But lately I thought things were going good.

 

So the meat of the story. My wife dropped her phone in the toilet at work on Thursday last week. When she got it home, we were able to dry it out and power it on but it wouldn't catch a phone signal. Her carrier said she needed a new phone. I am a reformed IT guy and make sure that she backs up her phone from time to time. The last backup was December 31. The problem was that she had her files all over the place. My wife is not the most technologically literate person in the world. In the process of scouring her data I found several large video files. I opened one and there she was masturbating. Being interested in the video I dumped it over to a shared drive and deleted all of the rest.

 

The interesting thing about this is that we do not have sex very often. Over the years she has been having physical issues that make it painful for her to have sex and she has said that she just does not have that great of a sex drive. I will say that after the death of her mother is when I noticed her sex drive starting to decrease. So I was encouraged that maybe some of the old spark was coming back. I also found a vibrator a few weeks ago while cleaning in the closet -I work from home so do all of the house cleaning. I have also told her that I have no qualms about sex of any kind. I used to say I was a trysexual - would try anything once. I would like to add that sex is not a deal breaker for me.

 

The next day on my way out for a jog, I watched the video on my phone. I was happy to see that she was enjoying herself and thought this was a move in the right direction -I have never known my wife to masturbate or even go around the house naked-, until the last 10 seconds of the video. “I can’t wait to feel you inside me again.” This was a voice I have never heard from her. I also noticed that her wedding ring was not on. Looking at the file location on the phone I noticed that this was a cache file for the phone's email account.

 

So I asked my wife about the video. She said that it was for me and that she just didn’t send it. She said that her body does not work right and that she doesn’t need sex as often as I do. I asked her about a vibrator or oral and she said that she has never used a vibrator and that the way her body feels know oral feels gross. At this point I stopped the questioning. None of this sounded right. The ease with the lie about the vibrator made me question everything else. I Tried to believe/convince myself this was not happening.

 

I felt bad doing this, but Monday I opened up that laptop and ran a recovery program on the harddrive looking for deleted files from the phone. She has only had this phone since June so about 6 months of data. In the process I found 7 masturbation videos and over 600 naked pictures of her. In many of the pictures she is wearing lingerie that I have never seen. In others, she has no wedding ring on. These pictures are taken all over the house. Like I said her being naked out of the bedroom is a rarity from my perspective. All of these pictures were in an imagecache on her phone and not in any standard image directories, I am sure she thought they were deleted. She is very adamant about her privacy and deletes her text and call log history. She has for years. I have always thought it was just a quirk, it never occurred to me that it could be a symptom of something else. I have tried to respect this over the years, I am not a snoop and don’t want to be. I want to be able to trust my wife, but seeing these pictures and videos almost overwhelms you. I didn’t know I had half of the emotions that I have been feeling this week.

 

After finding the images I went looking in the house and found the lingerie. I also found a pregnancy test. I bet it is close to a year since we have had sex so seeing this just about broke my brain.

 

So that is where I am at. I have not been able to talk to her about this yet. The last 3-4 days I have been trying to figure out what I want going forward. The thing is I just want my life to go back to the way it was. I feel like Othello, thinking it would be better to not know about Desdemona's infidelity. Every time I think that I don’t have any real proof all it takes is a look at the videos or the pictures. Some are from a trip we made just a few months ago. I must have been in the bathroom while she was taking naked pictures. Maybe I should add that I have not seen a naked picture of her since very early in our relationship.

 

I realized over the last few days that the only people that I could talk to about this are people that I would be ashamed to tell. I thought about looking for a counselor, but not really rolling in cash at the moment. I know that I have no real proof of a physical relationship, no pictures or video of anyone else but the pieces are lining up.

 

20 years is a long time to condense into a couple of pages. The actions of the past week could have filled a book. So if you have made it this far I would be interested in advice.

 

Thanks for reading

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You two have a total emotional disconnection. No sex in a year? I know if sex were painful to me, I'd be going to the doctor to see what could be done so I could enjoy it again. I highly doubt she takes photos and videos of herself for her own enjoyment. If she had meant to send it to you, after 600 photos, she would've done it by now. She'd keep lingerie in her normal dresser drawer for it, but apparently she hid it from the way you've worded it.

 

You're living a lie. The secrets have made themselves known, as they usually do. To me, snooping is valid when there is a valid reason to do so. You can't pull the wool over your eyes. I'd sit her down and tell her things aren't adding up, and you want to know the truth, no cover-ups. I would never give a second chance to a cheater, whether it be in cyber space or physically. Some people are willing to work it out, though. If you want to go that route, scrape up the money if she agrees and go to couples counseling. Get rid of cable if you have it. Have a yard sale. I don't think you two have the skills to fix things on your own. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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Wow Eduardo!! Your mind must be absolutely racing!!

 

Speaking from experience, you can never truly know someone, no matter how much of your life you've shared with them. And we've all got our "darker" side to a greater or lesser extent. So when you said about the first video, I thought it could be something that wasn't a big deal and not to jump to conclusions.

 

However, the pregnancy test and all the other stuff does make it all super shady.

 

The problem is (again, speaking from experience here) if you confront her, she might just deny it.

 

My ex-husband was great for 10 years then started acting weird when our second child was born. So I confronted him. Of course he denied it and made it look like I was totally crazy. So for months I drove myself slowly mad by collecting together evidence. When I finally confronted him with everything, he admitted that he'd been having an affair.

 

It was an absolute relief because I hadn't been going crazy after all! But the lies were worse than the actual cheating.

 

For me, what happened turned out to be the best thing ever in the long run (I'll spare you the long story). But it wasn't easy at the time.

 

Anyway, how you go forward with this is totally up to you. And I want to send you lots of strength and love for how this pans out for you.

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"I have no real proof of a physical relationship"

- Log onto your cell phone carrier account and view the numbers/duration of repeated calls.

 

Can you account for most of her time away from you?

You say everything is ok but neither of you have interest in sex for over a year? You must know that statement would be odd to most here.

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You know what you know. There is no un-seeing this stuff or denying what's going on.

 

If you cannot afford a counselor, maybe you know a minister in your community that can offer you pastoral counseling. Don't keep this stuff bottled up. It will eat you alive. You need to deal with and process a confusing range of emotions that are far beyond what can be offered here.

 

You need to confront the situation which means confronting your wife.

 

I regret what brought you here. But there are many good people here to lend an ear.

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It's interesting that people will sometimes easily justify finding money for that new couch, or how about that trip you recently went on?

But when it comes to counseling, the funds are almost impossible to come by.

 

Personally, I can't think of a more valuable investment. An investment in yourself and/or your marriage.

What you do going forward is up to you. Everyone is different.

 

I was told once by my counselor:

"There are occasions that affairs are the best thing to happen to a marriage.

It makes complacent couples get off the side lines and get into the game"

 

I wish you the best. .

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I just wanted to say thank you to those that responded.

I didn't know about this forum until looking around for help and help I did receive.

I called a therapist today and have an appointment for next week.

I am going to talk to my wife tonight when she gets home from work, but am not expecting her to come clean.

I am blown away by the pain i feel, the xanax is getting a workout this week.

 

I just noticed that every sentence starts with an "I", a little conceited I guess.

 

Thank You.

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Don't bottle up your feelings to your wife... You have more than enough proof to coerce a confession out of her. You found the vibrator she lied about, you have the videos (plural) and pictures that she hasn't told you about. If you bottle up all of these negative feelings they could possibly come out when the situation doesn't call for it, aggressively, confusingly, and in worst case scenario, physically... You want to be honest with her about how you are feeling. She is supposed to be your partner. She is making mistakes right now, and I can't speak for her, but you seem to genuinely want it to work out. DO you think that you would still want to be with her if your worst fears came true? Ask yourself this, because all signs are pointing to cheating, whether physically or emotionally, and you don't want to waste more time if that is the case... But IF you want to save what you guys have, bottling it up will not fix anything, in fact it will make it much much worse.

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