Why am I [28m] so devastated about finding out she's [25f] possibly into someone

[1baddc5]

Little back story...

I've been dating this girl for about 2.5 years. The first year was great, but then we started having lot of troubles. We just didn't agree on a lot of stuff. Very different people. There were days where I was so stressed out about the relationship that I could physically feel it. There was some resentment towards each other after fighting for so long.

I just didn't see myself marrying this girl, so I decided to end it.

For the most part I ended it, but it was mutual because both of us knew we weren't doing well.

So for 3 weeks I was doing fine. I was sad, but I was getting by. I wasn't thinking about it too much.

This last weekend I found out she went on a trip with a bunch of our friends [which I don't mind], but she mentioned that she brought a "friend" from work. She said nothing happened, and she's not ready for anything serious anytime soon, but mentioned she was attracted to him, just not interested in being with him at the moment.

This is where something switched in my head, and I just feel devastated. I don't get how I could go from being relatively fine to a complete 180 where I'm obsessing over this.

I think it's finally sunk in that I'm actually losing her. On top it, I have to think about her being with someone else now. Now I'm having doubts that my decision to break up was the right now.

How do you deal with a situation like this?

[mhowe]

You focus on the fact that you were so INCOMPATIBLE it was making you physically ill.

You were not meant to be.

 

Focus on the fact that you are now free to find someone else that actually makes you.....HAPPY>

[1baddc5]

You focus on the fact that you were so INCOMPATIBLE it was making you physically ill.

You were not meant to be.

 

Focus on the fact that you are now free to find someone else that actually makes you.....HAPPY>

 

I just realized that you had replied to my other posts from like 3 years ago. You've been a great help each and every time.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry but after you chose to breakup with her, she's a free agent and doesn't owe you or anyone else an explanation in regards to her personal life. Why are you staying in contact?

[1baddc5]

I'm sorry but after you chose to breakup with her, she's a free agent and doesn't owe you or anyone else an explanation in regards to her personal life. Why are you staying in contact?

 

I'm not saying she owes me anything, or an explanation. What I am seeking is just ways to deal with this, and some words from people that have potentially gone through it before. I'm not saying what she's doing is wrong, it's just caused me to think differently is all.

 

We're trying to stay friends since the break up was "mutual". I also have her cat for the next few months until she figures out a place to keep her, as he current living arrangement does not allow for this.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah my first question was why are you hearing about this?? NC is for times like these

[DoF]

Why are you even concerned about what she does.

 

Didn't you go no contact/block her and disabled yourself from seeing what she is up to? if not, that is your problem.

 

Fact that she is doing this 3 weeks after break up should only validate that she is not a very smart person and only confirm that you made a right choice.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

Give it time and stay away from anything HER related. You are going to need time to heal and recover (good 3-6 months). During that time no contact with ex or opposite sex. ANY contact = reset of your healing time....so don't do that.

[1baddc5]

Why are you even concerned about what she does.

 

I think it's just nature. Of course I'm going to be upset about the thought of my recent Ex being with someone else.

[mhowe]

My last ex moved a woman into his home within a month of our breakup (an 8 YEAR relationship). All I felt was pity.....for HER.

[1baddc5]

My last ex moved a woman into his home within a month of our breakup (an 8 YEAR relationship). All I felt was pity.....for HER.

 

I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I wish I felt pity, or hatred or anything because it would make things easier, however, she's a wonderful girl, we just didn't click in the right spots. That's why this is so difficult. My jealousy is making me think this way, however, deep down I want her to be happy and can't fault her for trying to find happiness.

[Bo3]

Mate right now.. I'm going through pretty much EXACTLY the same thing.. I was with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years.. Broke up about a month and a half ago.. Seen her the other day to get my things back and I found out she's slept with someone else already. Instantly made me feel sick and I find myself now wanting her back before I loose her for good! If you need a chat private message me man

[shessofly]

You can know you aren't compatible still love/care for a person in the romantic sense. That's why nc after a breakup is suggested...you cannot be friends with someone immediately after the demise of the relationship, because you are not completely over it. Had you gone no contact you wouldn't even be aware of her new friendships. So...my advice is to cut it off until you know you are fully healed.

 

I would tell her to find somewhere else to board her cat...or ask if you can keep it or whatever it is you need to do to cut communication for a good long while so you can get over the relationship. In the meantime, you just have to work through the pain, like you would any other breakup.

[Clinton]

It happens a lot. You don't want them, but you don't want anyone else to have them. A lot of people try and reconnect when they find out the ex is moving on. Hey, Kelly Clarkson even wrote a song about it.

 

You dumped her for a reason so just move on and STOP FOLLOWING HER LIFE.

[Hollyj]

If there are feelings, then you cannot be in contact, as you clearly see.

 

Time for NC.

[1baddc5]

It happens a lot. You don't want them, but you don't want anyone else to have them. A lot of people try and reconnect when they find out the ex is moving on. Hey, Kelly Clarkson even wrote a song about it.

 

You dumped her for a reason so just move on and STOP FOLLOWING HER LIFE.

 

That's definitely part of it. The other part of it just makes me question whether I actually made a mistake by breaking up with her, not necessarily that she might have found someone else, but that this is my last chance to make amends before it's too late.

[mhowe]

Make amends? For what?

 

You weren't compatible. Your ego is bruised that she has moved on. Let it be bruised ---- bruises heal.

[Clinton]

That's definitely part of it. The other part of it just makes me question whether I actually made a mistake by breaking up with her, not necessarily that she might have found someone else, but that this is my last chance to make amends before it's too late.

 

 

It's dumpers remorse you're feeling. You could do what you wanted before with the idea that she was still there on the back burner and you could reconnect if you wanted to. Now that she's moved on that's not there.

 

If you really loved her you would have stayed. This is just a knee jerk reaction to seeing her with someone else.

[1baddc5]

It's dumpers remorse you're feeling. You could do what you wanted before with the idea that she was still there on the back burner and you could reconnect if you wanted to. Now that she's moved on that's not there.

 

If you really loved her you would have stayed. This is just a knee jerk reaction to seeing her with someone else.

 

That's a helpful way to look at it. You're right. If I did really love her, it wouldn't have ended it. I just need to remember that. I mean I have notes written down about why it didn't work, and what bothered me about it that I keep re-reading, but I still feel the same way.

 

The thing is that I know what I'm feeling right now is mostly jealousy, and bruised ego, but this whole situation just clouds my judgement and makes me miss her even more.

[1baddc5]

Make amends? For what?

 

You weren't compatible. Your ego is bruised that she has moved on. Let it be bruised ---- bruises heal.

 

I keep replaying it in my head and keep thinking that I could have done things differently. I keep thinking that the things that didn't work between us were my fault because I was either too picky, or not compromising enough.

[mhowe]

When your relationship is so wrong it gives you stress ----- the healthy response is to leave it. Not find a way to mitigate the stress.

[DoF]

Mate right now.. I'm going through pretty much EXACTLY the same thing.. I was with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years.. Broke up about a month and a half ago.. Seen her the other day to get my things back and I found out she's slept with someone else already. Instantly made me feel sick and I find myself now wanting her back before I loose her for good! If you need a chat private message me man

 

I'm pretty sure your ex did you a favor. She only sped up your healing process with such step.

 

That nasty feeling you have about her, will make you heal that much faster!

 

You should be thankful!!!

[1baddc5]

When your relationship is so wrong it gives you stress ----- the healthy response is to leave it. Not find a way to mitigate the stress.

 

I need to keep reminding myself that. It's just though because my instinct right now is to miss her.

[1baddc5]

No mater how many times I go through breakups. It never gets easier.

[ParisPaulette]

Don't beat yourself up over this. It can happen even when you hate the other person and would rather jump into a pit of adders than be with them. I'm not sure what it is, but I always likened it to something kind of primitive. You don't necessarily want them, you know it's not working out, by golly how dare they race out and replace you so quickly. I had an ex from years ago do this, and it ripped my heart out even though I had decided I wanted nothing to do with the guy, at all. And didn't really like him. I missed his cooking though, big time, (he was a budding chef) and the thought of another woman enjoying his cooking just...got to me for some reason. I still have no idea what that was about. Walked around in a fog for a week then he called and told me to come get my crap, was rude on the phone, made a racist joke and I woke up and thought, "Dude, your cooking is not worth it. Good luck to her." Never looked back.

 

It's not rational, just like other issues of the heart, sometimes these things simply are. Accept it, accept it did not work out and try to retrain or refocus your thoughts to "Hmm, I bet there's someone out there more compatible for me."

 

If you also had it at all in the back of your head that someday you'd find each other again we can also put this in that "Death of Hope" category too, which sucks, equally. But you will get past this, just try not to dwell on it and find things that are positive and fun to do right now. It's a bit of a shock is all.

[1baddc5]

It's been a week since my last post...

 

I kept myself busy as much as I could. Hitting the gym, went out almost every night just to be with friends. It's been helping a ton, but I'm still down.

 

We texted a few times since my last post. She came over yesterday to see the cat, and obviously we ended up talking for a good hour or two. We're both basically at a point where neither of us is sure if this was the right decision.

 

I'm at a point where I still have doubts whether I made the right decision to break it off. Just going through the break up I realized that there's something else that's been making me unhappy, depression or something where I'm just not happy, and I always attributed that to the relationship. I thought that I'd get some sort of feeling of relief after we broke up, but I didn't.

 

I still have a voice in the back of my head that's saying I made the right decision, but I know that if I changed a few things about myself, the relationship could have worked. These are things that makes sense for me to change (i.e. I always save money, and didn't like to go out to events as such so I can save, traveling more, my weight was always an issue and causes a lot of unhappines to me)

 

I have a therapist appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can start digging into why I am unhappy, and better understand if my relationship was the way it was because I was unhappy, or if I was unhappy because of the relationship. Kind of chicken or the egg type of thing.

 

I've been thinking about initiating NC, and telling her to take her cat somewhere else, but I'm not sure if that's really what I want. The thought of not talking to her just seems like it's going to be even harder.

 

The cat is with me because it's been moved around a ton in the past 2 years and it's always appeared to be stress full for the cat until she adjusted after a week or so. I absolutely adore this cat, but it's a constant reminder of her, but I also want the cat to be in a good home and healthy.

 

I also own the house we lived in, and the whole house just reminds me of her. Sometimes I have a hard time sleeping in my bed because it's the room where we slept together. I wish I could just sell and move elsewhere.