Having an affair with my friends wife...

[Longview01]

I don't know where you get this idea OP that you are a nice person?

[IAmFCA]

I offer this to the eNA community on this thread:

 

Each of us has a collection of traits, and a path of life. We may think of ourselves as good people, nice people, and yet know that there was that time, or that era, when our behavior was, in fact, reprehensible.

 

The OP came here to sort this out. He knows his behavior is inconsistent with the rest of him, and yet when he posted, he was hoping to avoid having to end it quite yet.

 

The affair, as awful as it is, need not be the one trait with which we judge his entire personality.

 

OP: You have engaged in this affair because some part of you is deeply askew. You hint at this in your original post. Look within yourself and fix that thing. Right now, you are using your best friend and his wife as a salve for your own pain/loneliness/insecurity, and that is both unfair and self destructive.

 

Your needs are so great that you are capable of ruining two lives and your own social future to meet your needs now. This is akin to addictive behavior.

 

Treat her like an addiction, and you may understand yourself better and also, understand how much discipline and support you will need to end the affair.

 

And you must end it. And you must do what is necessary to address the hole within yourself that had allowed you to act in this manner.

[Raoul]

SpottiOtti, I totally agree with everything you have mentioned. I thought about this situation I am in this past weekend and I didn't like it one bit. I'm a better person than this and I dont want to be branded as "that guy" I'm also actually a bit to scared to read the other 20 posts below yours because I think they are all going to give me the same information.

 

As for a few other comments made. The constructive ones, Thank you very much for you wise words. I have never gone down this road before and i wasn't looking for a handshake to say well done. To the other people who commented here who have all the right answers and tone in the way you present the guidance I was looking for. I cant help but think that somewhere in your life, I am exactly like that person who caused your partner or significant other to leave you or you left them in the relationship. I would gladly have visited my in laws or ex wife if I wanted to get spoken down on and tried to be made a fool of. I never went looking for this women, she crossed my path and opened up to me because I am a nice person who has been through more than I care to talk about to anyone on this earth.

 

"I am a nice guy that is popping my best friend's wife all but assuring that she, he and his family will, sooner or later, go through unimaginable heartache because 'she crossed my path and opened up to me'."

 

Sure buddy, go with that.

 

LOL

[IAmFCA]

"I am a nice guy that is popping my best friend's wife all but assuring that she, he and his family will, sooner or later, go through unimaginable heartache because 'she crossed my path and opened up to me'."

 

Sure buddy, go with that.

 

LOL

 

I've been withholding a comment but now it's directly relevant:

 

I am friends with husband, wife, and husbands best friend. Wife and best friend carried on for about, 6 months maybe? Affair ended. Wife handled her own depression. Husband focused on the marriage more. Wife did same. Best friend still best friend.

 

How did they accomplish this? Everyone acted with self respect and self control. Husband and wife kept their eyes on the goal of staying married and never discussed affairs, though both suspect each to have strayed. Instead, they focused on their relationahip. In this way, the outside interests never entered their marriage, never came between them.

 

It was a most impressive lesson.

[mhowe]

Self respect and self control...by not talking about the affair(s)?

 

Sounds more like denial.

[Moontiger]

SpottiOtti, I totally agree with everything you have mentioned. I thought about this situation I am in this past weekend and I didn't like it one bit. I'm a better person than this and I dont want to be branded as "that guy" I'm also actually a bit to scared to read the other 20 posts below yours because I think they are all going to give me the same information.

 

As for a few other comments made. The constructive ones, Thank you very much for you wise words. I have never gone down this road before and i wasn't looking for a handshake to say well done. To the other people who commented here who have all the right answers and tone in the way you present the guidance I was looking for. I cant help but think that somewhere in your life, I am exactly like that person who caused your partner or significant other to leave you or you left them in the relationship. I would gladly have visited my in laws or ex wife if I wanted to get spoken down on and tried to be made a fool of. I never went looking for this women, she crossed my path and opened up to me because I am a nice person who has been through more than I care to talk about to anyone on this earth.

 

Ever heard the saying if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen? For the record, I have never been cheated on so at least my comments on this thread you cannot condescendingly dismiss as a personal issue. You made choices, you made yourself look like a fool by claiming to be a nice person while doing some so horrible to a friend. You had a choice, you made your choice and now you get to live with that all the pros and cons that come with it. Pro: you get sex Con: you prove yourself to selfish and untrustworthy.

 

I'm sure when the husband finds out and ask for a divorce that kids will take comfort in the fact that you are a "nice" person.

[IAmFCA]

Self respect and self control...by not talking about the affair(s)?

 

Sounds more like denial.

 

The husband said to me, Life is long. I want her to do what she needs to do to be happy. The wife said to me, He did this... he did that (I'm omittingoing details) - and we agreed, yup, affair on his side.

 

To each other they said, This is what I need from you, and this is what I need to do for myself.

 

It kept their communication positive. The affairs became irrelevant to both and simply ended.

[msbrunette]

SpottiOtti, I totally agree with everything you have mentioned. I thought about this situation I am in this past weekend and I didn't like it one bit. I'm a better person than this and I dont want to be branded as "that guy" I'm also actually a bit to scared to read the other 20 posts below yours because I think they are all going to give me the same information.

 

As for a few other comments made. The constructive ones, Thank you very much for you wise words. I have never gone down this road before and i wasn't looking for a handshake to say well done. To the other people who commented here who have all the right answers and tone in the way you present the guidance I was looking for. I cant help but think that somewhere in your life, I am exactly like that person who caused your partner or significant other to leave you or you left them in the relationship. I would gladly have visited my in laws or ex wife if I wanted to get spoken down on and tried to be made a fool of. I never went looking for this women, she crossed my path and opened up to me because I am a nice person who has been through more than I care to talk about to anyone on this earth.

 

Never been cheated on, never cheated either. It's common sense m'dear.

 

Cheaters and backstabbers don't deserve a pat on the back.

 

You knew exactly what you were doing and you knew it was wrong.

 

She crossed your path and you couldn't help yourself? You poor little man, I wonder what your friend would think of that "excuse".

[greta96]

I never went looking for this women, she crossed my path and opened up to me because I am a nice person who has been through more than I care to talk about to anyone on this earth.

 

So you think this gives you the right to hurt another human being (your "friend") to this degree? Have you ever heard of saying "no" when someone propositions you with something outrageous? If you were the nice guy you think you are, when she came on to you you would have told her "I'm sorry, but there is absolutely no way I would ever consider backstabbing my friend - your husband - to this degree" and you would have told her husband what she had done.

You did the opposite, so you draw your own conclusions as to what your own actions make you.

[Longview01]

I've been withholding a comment but now it's directly relevant:

 

I am friends with husband, wife, and husbands best friend. Wife and best friend carried on for about, 6 months maybe? Affair ended. Wife handled her own depression. Husband focused on the marriage more. Wife did same. Best friend still best friend.

 

How did they accomplish this? Everyone acted with self respect and self control. Husband and wife kept their eyes on the goal of staying married and never discussed affairs, though both suspect each to have strayed. Instead, they focused on their relationahip. In this way, the outside interests never entered their marriage, never came between them.

 

It was a most impressive lesson.

 

Yeah....lets all ignore our problems and have a nice big bowl of Strawberry icecream...

[Moontiger]

Yeah....lets all ignore our problems and have a nice big bowl of Strawberry icecream...

 

Yup. This is how I picture it:

[IAmFCA]

Yeah....lets all ignore our problems and have a nice big bowl of Strawberry icecream...

 

All - these are people I have been dear friends with for 30 years. I can assure you they did not deny their troubles and for two years, their marriage very much hung in the balance. What they DID do was recognize that the other people weren't the issue. Their lack of investment in each other was the issue, respecting each other as a team mate when setting rules, making sure they go on dates, that sort of thing. They knew that people outside their marriage paled in importance relative to their importance to each other.

 

I'm telling you, it's not a popular choice, we would much rather dig in and hold people accountable for their bad behavior. But these two, they looked ahead at what they wanted, that's what they focused on, and that's what they got. There is a lesson in that.

[IAmFCA]

OP,

 

Regardless of how this started, it's up to you to end it. You know your emotions have already begun to trouble you. She will never be your gf or your wife. At worst, she will be someone who despises you and you will never again talk to either of them. Anyone who knows them will hear of this matter, and you will be the one who is made to look like the bad guy worse than the other two.

 

You have to end this. To have the strength to end this, you need support in figuring out how to fill the emptiness that she fills, in a more appropriate manner.

 

If necessary, go hiking for a month. Go on a long consulting assignment. Get out of town and do not bring her with you, contact her, or interact in any way. You need to cut this cord.

 

Now is easier than anytime in the future.

[Longview01]

All - these are people I have been dear friends with for 30 years. I can assure you they did not deny their troubles and for two years, their marriage very much hung in the balance. What they DID do was recognize that the other people weren't the issue. Their lack of investment in each other was the issue, respecting each other as a team mate when setting rules, making sure they go on dates, that sort of thing. They knew that people outside their marriage paled in importance relative to their importance to each other.

 

I'm telling you, it's not a popular choice, we would much rather dig in and hold people accountable for their bad behavior. But these two, they looked ahead at what they wanted, that's what they focused on, and that's what they got. There is a lesson in that.

 

and i'm sure when all the repressed feelings finally come out the lesson for them will be learned

[IAmFCA]

and i'm sure when all the repressed feelings finally come out the lesson for them will be learned

 

Their marriage survived this challenge some 5 years ago. The three of them remain great friends.

 

I for one am glad to have an example close to me of a marriage that chose understanding and adjustment instead of blame and punishment.

 

I find it interesting, the assumption that they hid their feelings. They didn't. They dealt with their own issues and shared what was constructive. Now that I think of it, I know another couple that overcame cheating in a similar way. They communicated directly about what they want, where they are going together. Their pain they communicated as pain instead of anger.

 

Anger is not an effective path to reconciliation.

 

In any event, I told that story to add some diversity to this thread. Not every couple deals with cheating the same way, and it struck me that I knew three people who survived something similar. A KEY DiFFERENCE, OP, is that in my friends' case, the best friend remained loyal to his friendship. I realize that sounds ridiculous. He never wanted his wife for his own; he in fact is a confirmed bachelor who hardly evet has a serious rl. Again, I realize this sounds ridiculous, but I am simply reporting out what I witnessed.

 

In your case, OP, it is clear that you are relationship oriented. This arrangement is not appropriate for anyone, less so for you.

[Capricorn3]

I never went looking for this women, she crossed my path and opened up to me because I am a nice person who has been through more than I care to talk about to anyone on this earth.

That is a really feeble and weak excuse at best. Just because she opened up to you didn't give you the right to have an affair with her ....and her being your best friend's wife, which you seem to keep forgetting. How about you tell your best friend about what you and his wife are up to? How she "opened up to you" and how you decided it would be cool to stab him in the back? Do you think and believe that your best friend will think of you as being "such a nice person"? Try and reverse the situation - how would YOU feel if your best friend did this to you?

 

Sorry if that all sounds harsh, but it happens to be the reality. YOU made really bad choices and it's on YOU. You could have so easily said NO.

[IAmFCA]

OP - Are you following along?

 

Some of us have judged you, some haven't, but we all are in agreement that (1) you are in control of this situation, (2) you have an opportunity to end it before it gets more involved, and (3) that it will only get worse from here.

 

Our reasons range from morals/values/ethics to recognition of your desire to attach and looking after your emotional well being.

 

 

What say you?