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What's the definition of "talking?"


melancholy123

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I see a lot of posts on here from people who end up in broken relationships because they "talked" to someone of the opposite gender. The person's partner does not like it when that happens.

 

So, what's the definition of "talking" to another person to the point you end up broken up with your SO? Openly flirting or making suggestive comments can be very damaging to a relationship but if one is "talking" to someone how is that bad or negative?

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I see a lot of posts on here from people who end up in broken relationships because they "talked" to someone of the opposite gender. The person's partner does not like it when that happens.

 

So, what's the definition of "talking" to another person to the point you end up broken up with your SO? Openly flirting or making suggestive comments can be very damaging to a relationship but if one is "talking" to someone how is that bad or negative?

 

If you're in a relationship, and have text / phone convo with someone of the opposite sex who is not a long-time close friend, and your partner is unaware of it, it's emotional cheating.

If you need someone else than your partner to make you feel worthy and interesting, then you're either insecure or bored.

If you don't tell your partner about it head on, and get what you need from somebody else, then you're being deceiptive, you are "cheating".

 

People can spin it however they like, but if a guy "talk" to a girl, it means that on a basic level he is attracted to her. Women like to call this "friendship" but really, its mutual attraction.

 

If a woman plays the "but we are just friends" card, it means she is either 20 and still clueless about men/women relationships, or over 25 and lying, because she knows exactly where secret convo with another guy is leading to.

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I would be upset if my spouse didn't feel comfortable coming to me first to discuss any concerns. I am an extremely open book, and I take that as a sign of mistrust.

 

It crosses the line if he started discussing martial concerns with our friends, outside family members, and coworkers, especially if one of those people were the opposite gender. It's none of their business to be involved into our private affairs. It also could potentially result in an emotional affair.

 

Making flirty or suggestive comments while in a marriage is overly inappropriate and immature. It's the behavior of single 20 year olds. Like swearing, there's a time and place for it, but not while you are married or on a very serious relationship. It shows how much you value your relationship and respect for your partner.

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"If you're in a relationship, and have text / phone convo with someone in the opposite sex who is not a long-time close friend, and your partner is unaware of it, it's emotional cheating."

 

I could not survive in a relationship like that. I have, have had, will always have, plenty of conversations with men without first checking with my spouse or telling him about it -and I'm fine with him doing the same. I would hate to think we had to check in with each other just because that person was of the opposite sex. Lots of things have potential to result in physical or sexual attraction -some behaviors are playing with fire (i.e. going to someone's house alone at night where you are married and know he is attracted to you) and others are called "just because I got married doesn't mean I can't talk to people of the opposite sex lest it lead to an emotional affair".

 

If the person in question is not supportive of my marriage that is different, or flirts inappropriately ,etc. but I think for a marriage to stay interesting both people have to have whatever kind of friendships/social life they would like and keep the marital vows and whatever other promises and commitments the couple decides to make

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I also see a lot of posts that begin with 'I've been talking to this guy/girl for awhile...' and I can't tell if they're literally just talking, or if they're *seeing* the person in person (whether having sex with them or not) and just don't want to refer to it as "dating." It's confusing. I have a similar issue with the concept of "hooking up." When someone uses that term, I assume they had sex and just don't want to say that outright. If they just kissed another person, why not say that? These newfangled terminologies that the young folks use these days befuddle me -- LOL!

 

If what they mean is literally TALKING (not actually seeing the person in person), it definitely can be considered emotional cheating if they're sharing a bunch of personal stuff, telling the person things they're not telling their significant other, or if they're flirting or making suggestive comments.

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"If you're in a relationship, and have text / phone convo with someone in the opposite sex who is not a long-time close friend, and your partner is unaware of it, it's emotional cheating."

 

I could not survive in a relationship like that. I have, have had, will always have, plenty of conversations with men without first checking with my spouse or telling him about it -and I'm fine with him doing the same. I would hate to think we had to check in with each other just because that person was of the opposite sex. Lots of things have potential to result in physical or sexual attraction -some behaviors are playing with fire (i.e. going to someone's house alone at night where you are married and know he is attracted to you) and others are called "just because I got married doesn't mean I can't talk to people of the opposite sex lest it lead to an emotional affair".

 

If the person in question is not supportive of my marriage that is different, or flirts inappropriately ,etc. but I think for a marriage to stay interesting both people have to have whatever kind of friendships/social life they would like and keep the marital vows and whatever other promises and commitments the couple decides to make

 

I have a few male friends I talk to -- literally, just talk, no flirting or anything -- that my boyfriend knows about (though I don't tell him every time I talk to one of them). He has heard about these male friends, though, and will probably meet them at some point. An example: My boyfriend is NOT mechanically inclined whatsoever, much to his regret. I need a new washing machine. My male friend, J, not only knows someone who can probably get me a good deal on a washer, but my friend knows how to install it, too, and he probably will (my boyfriend has NO clue about how to install a washer!) J and I will be talking about that shortly, and he'll come over to help with the install. My boyfriend has no problem with this, and he shouldn't. I've known J for years, he's happily married, there's no interest on either side, and we don't talk about issues I should be addressing with my boyfriend. I will probably tell my boyfriend I talked to J about the washer installation, but not because I feel I *have* to -- it will just come up in conversation "I'm getting my new washer tomorrow -- J said he'll come over at 4 to install it" -- or something of that nature.

 

I don't subscribe to the notion that married/attached people can't have opposite sex friends, but if either shows romantic interest/attraction to the other, or they're talking about intimate, personal things that are being hidden from the spouse/partner or the talk is flirtatious or sexual in any way, or there's expression of feelings for one another, etc. - it's going down a bad road.

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I think I over analyzed the question...

 

It is difficult to have friends of the opposite sex. I have mostly masculine hobbies (car shows, strip racing, gaming, sci-fi/comic books reading, etc), but a large majority of men from those interest communities want to get in my pants- and there have been many times where I have to be assertive with my boundaries to either earn their respect for cut my ties.

 

I have a small handful of guys I stay in touch with, but they are in solid relationships. Our conversations are brief, within our interests and once a blue moon. My husband knows about them. Whenever I go out, I bring him along with me to not send wrong messages (very rarely do I meet up with guys alone, and that's only when they've earned my trust).

 

It depends on the context of the friendship that would be a problem. Some people, like me, don't have a problem assertive boundaries while there are others who are too nervous or don't pick up the social cues to tell someone being inappropriate to knock it off. Remember: you are always in control of your own interactions.

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I don't hide anything from my husband, I just feel it would bore him (and me) if I told him about random conversations I had during the day. He has never asked me to let him know who I talk to. If he did ask like that we wouldn't be married.

 

I had an exception a few years ago -an acquaintance emailed me after a few years of not being in touch (except maybe on linkedin) to tell me he was getting divorced, thought I might know a good attorney for him, but part of the email was a smidgen too personal. I decided to show it to my husband and asked if he thought I should just send the name of the attorney I knew (or not respond at all). My husband had some concerns about the personal stuff and was fine with my sending the attorney name. He did not ask to read the email but I might have read it to him just to make sure my tone was ok. To me that's a healthy, sufficiently trusting, approach (no I never dated the guy or had any inappropriate interactions).

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I don't care if my girlfriend talks to other men in a strictly friendly or professional manner, nor do I want her keeping a record of who she had a conversation with and when for me to refer to. We have a good understanding of our relationship boundaries and I fully trust that she would let me know about something that could potentially challenge them such as in the situation Batya described.

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Oftentimes when I hear someone say there's the girl that I've been "talking to", it usually means having conversations with in the presence of romantic feelings....or the feeling of romantic potential.

 

"So there's this girl I've been talking to....." means two things:

 

  1. I've been having conversations with this girl.
  2. I have a romantic interest in her.

 

That's my understanding of it anyway. "Talking to" in this context means effectively that the speaker has romantic interest and there have been conversations.

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My understanding of it is that it's a euphemism for describing conversations that you hope lead to dating. Some describe it as a stage of dating -to me dating is when you go on dates and until you go on a date you're simply interacting as friends or talking to plan a first meet or date.

 

In my life the expression doesn't work because I've always had platonic male friends and when I dated the time we spent "talking" before going on a date had nothing to do with dating - might have been flirting I guess but if we were talking it was because we were friends. If we were talking because we were introduced by others who thought we should date or through a dating site I never mentioned anything about the person to anyone -he was someone I might go on a date with in the future. At most I would say "I've been in contact with someone I might meet for a date".

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It's all about the underlying context.

 

When people break up over it, it generally is one of two things. Either the couple are not on the same page about opposite sex friends at large or there was inappropriate "talking", i.e. emotional cheating involved.

 

I could never get along with someone who takes the view that opposite sex friendships are taboo when in a relationship and I would most certainly not abandon life long friends just because the guy I'm dating is against them. The guy would have to go, assuming that he even got past the first few dates with that attitude. As for the emotional cheating, it's kind of a you know it when you see it. Consider your SO waking up in the morning and jumping to their phone to text good morning to an opposite sex friend and then proceeding to spend all their free time glued to a back and forth conversation to the detriment of your connection? That's not friendship and it's way more than just ordinary "talking" although technically they are just "talking". My impression is that when people break up over "talking" that's usually the situation. It something way beyond normal talking.

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Yikes. I don't know how you monogamous people do relationships. That sounds like such a controlling waste of time and energy to me. You really feel comfortable controlling your partner like that? You really trust the person you are in a relationship with so little that they can't TALK to someone of their sexually preferred gender? You really want to say "because you are with me you can't have any friends of my gender."?

 

It seems so strange to me that you wouldn't want your partner to have a support network and to have close friends of any gender that they want.

 

I like my partners to have friends. Friends are awesome! I want my partners to be happy and feel supported and loved and friends are a big part of that. If I don't trust my partner not to cheat on me, that is an issue, one I can't control no matter how controlling I become of their personal lives.

 

But I'm not monogamous I don't have issues with my partners having other sexual, romantic or committed relationships. If someone I was with wanted to control me to that extent I would think of it as abusive.

 

So I guess what I mean to say about this is you should probably talk to the person you are with and see that the two of you are on the same page about what is appropriate for your relationship and not assume that there is a gold standard in how to control your partners other relationships.

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"If you're in a relationship, and have text / phone convo with someone in the opposite sex who is not a long-time close friend, and your partner is unaware of it, it's emotional cheating."

 

I could not survive in a relationship like that. I have, have had, will always have, plenty of conversations with men without first checking with my spouse or telling him about it -and I'm fine with him doing the same. I would hate to think we had to check in with each other just because that person was of the opposite sex. Lots of things have potential to result in physical or sexual attraction -some behaviors are playing with fire (i.e. going to someone's house alone at night where you are married and know he is attracted to you) and others are called "just because I got married doesn't mean I can't talk to people of the opposite sex lest it lead to an emotional affair".

 

If the person in question is not supportive of my marriage that is different, or flirts inappropriately ,etc. but I think for a marriage to stay interesting both people have to have whatever kind of friendships/social life they would like and keep the marital vows and whatever other promises and commitments the couple decides to make

 

This comment is the closest to how I feel about "talking" to someone of the opposite gender. I've got lots of guy friends and in fact prefer them to women friends for the most part as some women are far too catty and/or b*tchy for me. My husband has never minded the fact that I prefer guy friends and have talked to all of them, often at length, about anything and everything. He is secure in our love for each other, no need for freaking out about supposed wrong-doing. He doesnt have many female friends and I am fine with the ones he does have. I think this comfort level comes from trust and many years of it, and knowing each other.

 

Thanks for all of the replies, it's good to read how others interpret "talking" as it's not just talking!

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My ex used to get mad at me for talking (and ONLY talking) to other girls. Because in her mind, they were ALWAYS flirting with me.

 

We had a new student in our martial arts school who was really good and made our school look good, but people never talked to her. I wanted her to feel welcome, as I worked closely with the owner of the school and wanted to keep enrollment up, so I once asked her how she liked the classes and said she was doing well and to keep it up. Mind you, I did this with MANY new students, male and female.

 

I caught hell from my (now) ex. "Why are you flirting with her. You told her she was doing well. She flipped her hair at you". Yeah. She could almost be my DAUGHTER. I guess I was flirting with the 15 year old boy too, by that logic. It seemed like the age threshold was 21. So from then on, I stopped talking to any girl over 21.

 

Now HER - she could giggle and touch other guys and stuff, but oh, no...I could NEVER get upset. Total double standard.

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I think everyone else covered it pretty well for what most people mean when they say "talking to this girl/guy". I would concur that it includes conversations that build a level of emotional intimacy as well as conversations about relationship struggles, or saying negative things about your partner.

 

I once dated a guy who was like Seymore's ex. When he said he didn't want me "talking to other guys", I'm pretty sure he quite literally meant exchanging any words whatsoever with members of the opposite sex. I don't think this is what most people mean when they say "talking to a person" in this context.

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Yikes. I don't know how you monogamous people do relationships. That sounds like such a controlling waste of time and energy to me. You really feel comfortable controlling your partner like that? You really trust the person you are in a relationship with so little that they can't TALK to someone of their sexually preferred gender? You really want to say "because you are with me you can't have any friends of my gender."?

 

It seems so strange to me that you wouldn't want your partner to have a support network and to have close friends of any gender that they want.

 

I like my partners to have friends. Friends are awesome! I want my partners to be happy and feel supported and loved and friends are a big part of that. If I don't trust my partner not to cheat on me, that is an issue, one I can't control no matter how controlling I become of their personal lives.

 

But I'm not monogamous I don't have issues with my partners having other sexual, romantic or committed relationships. If someone I was with wanted to control me to that extent I would think of it as abusive.

 

So I guess what I mean to say about this is you should probably talk to the person you are with and see that the two of you are on the same page about what is appropriate for your relationship and not assume that there is a gold standard in how to control your partners other relationships.

 

Gross generalization. The tone of this post is quite offensive, particularly your entry in which you lump all monogamous couples together "you monogamous people".

Plenty of monogamous relationships are perfectly fine, and not everyone that is monogamous has silly rules about not talking to the opposite sex or having friends of the opposite sex. Not everyone that believes in monogamy has a need to control their partner.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Gross generalization. The tone of this post is quite offensive, particularly your entry in which you lump all monogamous couples together "you monogamous people".

Plenty of monogamous relationships are perfectly fine, and not everyone that is monogamous has silly rules about not talking to the opposite sex or having friends of the opposite sex. Not everyone that believes in monogamy has a need to control their partner.

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I know a lot of monogamous people who have awesome, healthy, amazing, supportive relationships. I apologies for lumping all monogamous people together.

 

I do tend to think of controlling behavior like this to be supported in a monogamous context. On this forum, I often see what I think of as controlling, insecure behavior held up as appropriate in mono relationships. It's something that always spooks me a little. But that doesn't mean I should lump all monogamous relationships and people who are monogamous together.

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I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you. I know a lot of monogamous people who have awesome, healthy, amazing, supportive relationships. I apologies for lumping all monogamous people together.

 

I do tend to think of controlling behavior like this to be supported in a monogamous context. On this forum, I often see what I think of as controlling, insecure behavior held up as appropriate in mono relationships. It's something that always spooks me a little. But that doesn't mean I should lump all monogamous relationships and people who are monogamous together.

 

 

Apology unnecessary, but greatly appreciated.

 

In my opinion, all types of arrangements/relationships can have controlling partners. Look at polygamists, some of those marriages are extremely controlling, particularly if it is religion based.

 

People can be controlling in all sorts of arrangements, one does not have to be monogamous to be in a horrible controlling relationship.

 

I am in a monogamous marriage, but have both female and male friends. I have meals/drinks with both sexes and have no problem with my husband having female friends.

I trust him 110% and he trusts me, otherwise we would not be married. We don't share passwords or snoop through phones. I'm free to use his phone to take pictures, send emails, and have many opportunities to look through his emails if I want to, but never do because I don't care if he emails/talks to other female friends. Often times he tells me about friends (male & female) emailing and what they say, but usually only if it is something interesting or something I might find amusing/cool. This works both ways.

 

Come to think of it, I have more make friends than my husband has female friends, yet he has never said a word about it nor has he even asked me if I've dated any of them or anything. (I haven't, but that's beside the point.)

 

I've been in controlling relationships in the past and it is something I find extremely unappealing in a person. I don't like feeling suffocated or like I have to live in fear.

Thankfully, there are plenty of monogamous couples that do not have the need to control their partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I also see a lot of posts that begin with 'I've been talking to this guy/girl for awhile...' and I can't tell if they're literally just talking, or if they're *seeing* the person in person (whether having sex with them or not) and just don't want to refer to it as "dating." It's confusing. I have a similar issue with the concept of "hooking up." When someone uses that term, I assume they had sex and just don't want to say that outright. If they just kissed another person, why not say that? These newfangled terminologies that the young folks use these days befuddle me -- LOL!

 

To be honest, half the time I don't think the person using the term really knows what it means. There was one poster who wanted advice because she'd been "talking" to a guy for a few months and his texting had started to slow down. I said, what does talking mean? She said, "texting to get to know each other to see if there is relationship potential but not really dating" (paraphrase).

 

Eventually, she finds out he's been actually sleeping with other girls and she was very upset. I said why and she felt it wasn't fair for him not to share that. Now given the way he had acted, I think he used that term to be deliberately vague. It's a pretty innocuous word that makes everything sound pretty innocent. What's wrong with "talking" after all.

 

I think there are a lot of people who use a lot of vague language either to be vague so they can be shady or noncommittal or for fear of scaring the other person off with their real intentions.

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