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Married But Confused


Confusedlaw

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I've been behaving very selfishly recently. I'm married, we have been together 4 years and married 1. He is an amazing man, kind, patient, and loves me. I often feel I don't deserve him. I've never thought of another man (not seriously) since being with my husband. But recently a new attorney came onto one of my case teams. There was something about him that i liked, though initially I thought I just liked him as a friend potential (it's hard to find someone you really click with at a bc firm). We went for coffee, talked about the case, and I thought would become very good friends and commiserate together. One night we went for drinks (we'd done so previously without any issue) and flirted a lot. He kissed me. I stopped it but I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss after. I don't want to think about him, about kissing him, about so much more. I've tried to get this out of my mind, I've gone to church, prayed for help, tried to giv myself some distance (though to be honest the past couple weeks I found myself looking forward to the end of the weekend so I could see him again). He is married, has been for a while, and has three children. If I were looking at this situation from a third party perspective I would think I'm a horrible person. The way I'm behaving certainly supports that. Since the kiss we've hung out twice outside of the office, and it was stupid but the thought of not overwhelmed me

with (sadness? Longing? I don't know). Both times things got too flirty. Last night I wanted him to kiss me again, I almost couldn't move because of how much I wanted it. And I wouldn't have stopped it. He did, briefly, but stopped it because (and he is right) that it's just too emotional. I found myself asking him not to stop. I'm so embarrassed and disappointed in my behavior. But we didn't continue. I want to think this is just lust and I just need to refocus on my marriage and my husband, and I know that im idealizing this guy, and what sex would be like with him, and that fantasy and reality are so different. But I haven't wanted someone so much in I don't even know how long. I know So much of this is in my head, the desire just is playing on loop, but I still feel my heart beat faster when I think of him. I'm not proud of how I feel. I wonder if one of the things with him is having someone who is just so smart. I love intellect and being challenged. And my husband is smart, but it's a different type of intellect. Not as logical, and God this sounds so horrible but I think I crave that a bit. But I've never felt any desire to cheat. With the his guy it's all I can think of. His hair, his eyes, his hands, his lips. And I just want to stop this. I want to be able to step back and truly appreciate the amazing life and man I have instead of fantasizing about some comworker who I am sure is so different from me once the desire disappaites. I don't even know what I am looking for here. Maybe I just wanted to write what I am feeling.

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Yes, it's just lust. Love doesn't roll over people and smash their hearts open like you and he having sex would to both your families. Not to mention what happens when the lust daze wears off and you realize all you've lost or nearly lost. And the way you handle that is to stop any and all contact and you tell him, "You and I need to put the brakes on this now and avoid the living hell out of each other, because I'm not cool with the people this will hurt." You don't ask his permission, you don't let him "oh but" this. You tell him and you walk away. Drop the mic and walk off the stage NOW.

 

And yes, if you can say no to that drink, because you have to drive that night or no to that shopping spree, because you have to have money to pay the rent, if you have ever said no to even one thing in your life, because you understood that to say yes would be to cause harm then you can do this too.

 

And if you've never had to say no to a thing in your life now is a really, really good time to start. It's not love. You're bored. You are unhappy in some area of your life, this guy is just the distraction so you don't have to do the hard work of going and fixing your boredom or whatever is wrong in your life. And if you'll raise your head for two seconds and take a long staring look at your own life, at yourself, you'll see what it is.

 

Go fix it or I give it about six to nine months before you're just wishing like hella you'd heeded my advice when everyone hates you and you lose your job over the mess you and this guy created.

 

This is why any fraternizing with coworkers alone is never a good idea, none. These people aren't supposed to be your friends and lovers, they're supposed to be the people you work with to earn a paycheck. And that's it. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture, because your hormones and brain have decided it's easier to take over your free will, so you don't have to exercise said free will.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to come back to reality and earth. And fast. Or go look up stories about how other people's cheating turned out. Better yet rent the movie "Unfaithful" with Richard Gere and Diane Lane then ask yourself if that's the potential outcome you'd be cool with. My guess is the answer will be a resounding no. Hopefully anyways.

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Well....you asked for it...you're gonna get it on this forum. Many have been cheated on...and don't take Cheater's lightly. First, like you said....you're being SELFISH is at the top of the list. For the sake of your marriage, his marriage, and everyone's sanity...you know you have to stop this now. Immediately. Everyone can find someone to lust over sometime throughout their lives, it's a matter of nipping it in the bud, before it get's to that 'kiss'...and things spiral out of control. Do you REALLY want to lose your husband over a brief and steamy affair? Because you will. Be the bigger person...and tell him this has got to stop. Go to church....and what I do, is think...what would God want me to do? Think...and really think (if you're a Christian woman) that God is watching you....are you proud of what you're doing? Sure lust and the excitement is fun....but there is this little thing called 'right and wrong' and our conscious tells us what it is....

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I think it's good that on some level you realize that the reality isn't matching the lust you feel for him. The trick is to not put yourself in a situation again where you are relying on your ability to stop it on the spot because as you can see that didn't work. Stop going out alone with him. The mistake a lot of people make with wandering eyes is that you make assumptions about the new person. You see the qualities or characteristics that he has that your husband doesn't have, while also assuming he possesses all of the good qualities you are used to in your current partner. So it seems like the new person is a step up from the current partner. But you can't really know the new person as well as you think you do without spending a lot of time together. Which obviously can't happen when both you & he are married. Even if you both suddenly decided to end your marriages and be together, could you really trust each other knowing each has the capacity to cheat?

 

You just need to think this through. Spend less time thinking about how it would feel to sleep with him and spend more time thinking about how it will feel the next day when you see your husband, when you see the guy at the office, when you see the guy out with his wife and kids. What will your coworkers and boss think when they sense something is off between the two of you? You need to say no to spending time alone with him even though you want to say yes. Create some distance and the feelings will eventually fade.

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I think it's good that on some level you realize that the reality isn't matching the lust you feel for him. The trick is to not put yourself in a situation again where you are relying on your ability to stop it on the spot because as you can see that didn't work. Stop going out alone with him. The mistake a lot of people make with wandering eyes is that you make assumptions about the new person. You see the qualities or characteristics that he has that your husband doesn't have, while also assuming he possesses all of the good qualities you are used to in your current partner. So it seems like the new person is a step up from the current partner. But you can't really know the new person as well as you think you do without spending a lot of time together. Which obviously can't happen when both you & he are married. Even if you both suddenly decided to end your marriages and be together, could you really trust each other knowing each has the capacity to cheat?

 

You just need to think this through. Spend less time thinking about how it would feel to sleep with him and spend more time thinking about how it will feel the next day when you see your husband, when you see the guy at the office, when you see the guy out with his wife and kids. What will your coworkers and boss think when they sense something is off between the two of you? You need to say no to spending time alone with him even though you want to say yes. Create some distance and the feelings will eventually fade.

 

Interesting response, but it begs the comparison a cheating father/family man is a step up from her husband? Personally I think she should tell her husband what's been happening with this dude to date, then step back and watch the fireworks going off. It would be the most honest thing she's done so far.

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"...who is just so smart. I love intellect and being challenged."

- Good memory for precedents, (i.e., someone else's accomplishments), and can follow the firms narrow client/jury "perception manipulation" blueprint for boosting the bottom line.

 

That's not smart. It's a job that utilizes certain talents.

 

 

Real intelligence is not losing your husband/life/honor to some screwed-up man who will dump you when he's done to preserve his own, (albeit corrupt), life/family.

 

 

How to fix it:

Put this cookie back in the jar and figure out what's wrong with your LIFE and marriage.

 

We can help.

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How were you able to go out for drinks with this guy? Where was your husband? When this dude felt free enough to kiss you, it's because you passed many other boundaries before this point. If you were acting appropriately up to this point he would not have crossed that line.

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Interesting response, but it begs the comparison a cheating father/family man is a step up from her husband?

 

I think you misunderstood? I wasn't saying the cheating father was better than her husband. What I was trying to say is people can get into the mindset of thinking that "the next one is the better one" when it usually isn't true. Even though she thinks the new guy seems great, he probably isn't everything she thinks he is.

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It's like going on a diet. Do not interact with him anymore outside the firm and that includes personal emails or texts. All business, only at the office or at office gatherings (but no personal convos at the holiday party either). Then look carefully about whether you're ok with your husband's type of smarts -whether you admire and respect him for his intelligence. If you now realize you don't, you still work on your marriage as hard as you can but have an internal deadline in mind especially if you're thinking about having a baby with him. I am not advising you to date this married colleague -I am seeing your realization/feelings as an opportunity for you to work on and look at your marriage and internally.

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