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What should I do about this situation with my boyfriend?


waterlilly102

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Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months now. He is obsessed with fishing and it gets in the way of our relationship. About 2 months ago I had a big talk with him about it, and I even broke up with him for a bit over it. I did this because it was so bad, he would go fishing all day on days he was supposed to see me, kicking me out of his house so he could go last min with his fishing friends, never do anything nice for me (it was always me paying for things, doing sweet gestures), never a gentleman, and just generally put fishing over me. So after this, he apologized and begged me to take him back. He said that he would never put fishing over me again, and I believed him. We set up 3 days a week that we would see each other- Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday.

 

I realize I can’t change people but I can tell he is starting to do the same thing again. It’s winter now, and he said multiple times he wouldn't be out fishing because of the season. Well, here he is still going out. And the day before Christmas eve, is one of the days we were supposed to see each other ( its a Wednesday) and he planned a cod fishing trip on a boat for the entire day. This upsets me so much, because I can't see him for the holidays, and I feel like he is going against his word, and I am not a priority to him. Although he said he would make the day up for me, I still feel as if it is wrong. He just went cod fishing today as well (even took off work last min to go) so why go again on one of our days? Especially before the holidays.

 

I am 18 years old, and he is my first boyfriend so I don't have a lot of experience with relationships. I don't really know what to do about this situation because I do love him. I love a lot of qualities that he has, so I don’t want to break up with him. I would like to fix things, but I feel like I have put sooo much of my time and energy into fixing this. I really don’t know what to do at this point. I just wish I could be a bigger priority in his life like he is in mine. I feel like I nag him a lot about how I feel and how i don’t like what he’s doing, and I don’t want to be the type of girlfriend to nag and be clingy to their bf all the time. But sometimes I don’t know what else to do. What should I tell him? Is there any hope?

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At nine months in, it's most likely infatuation, not love. And anyway, love alone is never the reason to stay with someone forever if a person doesn't meet your needs. You've done mostly everything right so far. You've communicated your needs. You broke up when he didn't make the effort you wanted. This showed him you were not a doormat and had standards. It was okay to take him back when he said he would change to get you back. Now he's reverting to his old ways. If he wanted to spend time with you on your normal date, he would. He's choosing to spend time on his hobby.

 

It's great to have hobbies, but when the time spent on them is obsessive, then leave a person to it. Leave the relationship because it's better to choose someone who you don't want to change. As you've seen, people rarely do change. That's the point of dating. To see who the real person is after the honeymoon period and know if who they are is who you want to pursue a longterm relationship with. You've learned who you don't want. A person should match your dating goals. If they don't, move on and keep at it until you find "the one." He's not it.

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Just wanted to add one thing about nagging. When you keep sticking around with someone who is not right for you and then try to make them be right for you, you will inevitably turn into a nag. So the way you avoid becoming a nag is you recognize that this person is not a good match for you and cut them loose so you can both find someone who is a good fit.

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Just wanted to add one thing about nagging. When you keep sticking around with someone who is not right for you and then try to make them be right for you, you will inevitably turn into a nag. So the way you avoid becoming a nag is you recognize that this person is not a good match for you and cut them loose so you can both find someone who is a good fit.

 

Very wise words and should be heeded by everyone!

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Well, if you want to stay with this guy, you're either going to have to take up fishing too, or you're going to have to take up some other hobby to fill your time so you aren't sitting around waiting for him to get home from the lake. There aren't any magic words you can say to make him come around to your way of thinking. You either accept him as he is, or you find someone you are more compatible with.

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Dear Waterlily,

 

There is a terrific song by Brad Paisley about this situation. Here are the lyrics:

 

Well I love her

But I love to fish

I spend all day out on this lake

And hell is all I catch

 

Today she met me at the door

Said I would have to choose

If I hit that fishin' hole today

She'd be packin' all her things

And she'd be gone by noon

 

Well...

I'm gonna miss her

When I get home

But right now I'm on this lake shore

And I'm sittin' in the sun

I'm sure it'll hit me

When I walk through that door tonight

That I'm gonna miss her

Oh, lookie there, I've got a bite

 

 

Now there's a chance that if I hurry

I could beg her to stay

But that water's right

And the weather's perfect

No tellin' what I might catch today

 

 

So I'm gonna miss her

When I get home

But right now I'm on this lake shore

And I'm sittin' in the sun

I'm sure it'll hit me

When I walk through that door tonight

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her

Lookie there, there's a bite.

 

Yeah, I'm gonna miss her

Lookie there, I've got a bite.

 

The song is called, I'm Gonna Miss Her

 

Check it out on YouTube. The official music video of it is marvelous!

 

 

This may put your situation in a different light. I also like the idea of trying fishing out for yourself. You may really love it!

 

Youareworthy

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Well, if you want to stay with this guy, you're either going to have to take up fishing too, or you're going to have to take up some other hobby to fill your time so you aren't sitting around waiting for him to get home from the lake. There aren't any magic words you can say to make him come around to your way of thinking. You either accept him as he is, or you find someone you are more compatible with.

 

I agree with this. Don't you have any hobbies of your own that you can become passionate about? If not, find those, and they will serve you regardless of whether you decide to stay with this guy or not.

 

Nagging doesn't make you feel very good, and it doesn't 'work,' so what's the point in doing that?

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You sound like the sort of woman who in the future will nag a guy for working too hard on his career, even though it provides the sort of lifestyle you want. There are far more sinister things than fishing, perhaps your next relationship will be with someone who has sleeping with other women as a hobby. You're 18, and you really need to get things in to perspective.

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" I did this because it was so bad, he would go fishing all day on days he was supposed to see me, kicking me out of his house so he could go last min with his fishing friends, never do anything nice for me (it was always me paying for things, doing sweet gestures), never a gentleman, and just generally put fishing over me."

 

Where are all of the nice gestures? You should not have to work so hard for a relationship. He is SHOWING YOU that his friends and fishing are a priority. He doesn't care how you feel.

 

Don't really understand why you are holding on to this!

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I think you should embrace fishing because fishing is fun. Have you ever tried it?

 

You need to intergrate yourself into some of his hobbies if you want to remain his g/friend. Try it, but if you don't like it at least you tried. I bet he'd love to have you there.

 

I hate fishing.

 

Fishing is only one of the problems with the relationship.

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To everyone saying I should try fishing with him- yes I have multiple times. I went out on a boat for 12 hours straight and got terrible sunburn, I fished with him in a storm from 7pm-2am, and have gone fishing with him a lot more. He's not the typical fisherman, he goes hardcore. Not many woman would do that type of stuff.

I gave it a shot, and I even go with him still sometimes once in a while.

I do have my own passions, but I am not obsessive over them as he is. Not to the point where it affects the relationship in negative ways.

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...he would go fishing all day on days he was supposed to see me, kicking me out of his house so he could go last min with his fishing friends,

 

...he said multiple times he wouldn't be out fishing because of the season. Well, here he is still going out. And the day before Christmas eve, is one of the days we were supposed to see each other ( its a Wednesday) and he planned a cod fishing trip on a boat for the entire day. ….

 

What do you mean by "supposed to"? Do you mean that he made plans with you but didn't follow through, is being unreliable? Or maybe plans are vague and you each have different expectations about them? His actions are not matching his words? What you see as a promise (to spend time together) he might see as a nice idea if fishing isn't good that day?

 

It could be a mismatch of expectations, could be he's unreliable and flakey. Actions speak louder than words, both his and yours. Rather than nag or try to fix things, it might be a better use of your energy to step back from the relationship, give him space, and put time into activities you enjoy.

 

Is your boyfriend 18 as well?

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Well we made a schedule for days we'd see each other. So we're supposed to see each other on those days, because they are good for the both of us. In the past he has blown me off on those days to go fishing, and I feel as if he is starting up on it again. You are right, actions speak louder than words. I am definitely going to take a step back and focus more on myself. He is 20 years old. I just wish I could be more of a priority in his life.

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I just wish I could be more of a priority in his life.

 

That's understandable, but you're not. That's the bottom line, and no amount of nagging or manipulating will change it.

 

He's showing you exactly who he is and where you stand with him. Wishing HE would be different is a waste of energy, and it just keeps you focused on being miserable.

 

You get to decide whether this guy is a good enough deal for you 'As Is'. If so, then here you are, and if not, there are other guys in the world to date.

 

Head high.

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  • 2 years later...

I have exact same problem mine is obsessed with fishing and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I literally feel replaced. He keeps saying to me oh just this one Friday but I know he will do it again and it just really upsets me that he doesn’t see why I’m upset I’ve been with mine 4 years!!! I have a lot to let go of and I don’t want to his my first love and I love him to bits it’s so hard!

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