putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I saw my ex being advertised for a gig tonight at a pub the night before last. I went into a bit of a tail spin and quit the date I was on to go home and sulk and give into facebook stalking. Concluded I think my ex is dating someone, someone pretty and into arty stuff like theatre and music, I was also aware of her when we were dating as he told me this story about how she was very lonely and they had hung out and ended up sleeping together and she had started crying. I don’t know for sure that they are dating though. I didn’t sleep at all that night and proceeded to send some texts asking to be friends to his number, but of course, no reply. Why I did it, I don’t know. I need to stop all this, it’s not healthy. I really don’t understand why he wouldn’t reply though, as time has passed now. I really think that if he had been respectful of our break up from the start and had been friendly, this would have not escalated as it has done. I would be just wishing him well and assuming that he is wishing me well too and just continuing with life and not in fear of seeing him or his name. I feel like nothing I do here on out is good enough as this rejection (romantically and friendship-wise) has cut me to the core, even though I’ve been told that what he thinks should not matter. I just feel like an empty shell with no life or direction or hobbies, as him and his mother said. She said he would respect me more if I was driven etc etc. I can’t stop thinking of when he said that he didn’t understand why people didn’t do what they loved for their jobs like him and his music career. I feel like if I was a different person, he would be more respectful. It feels like whenever I take a step forward, it is tainted. I know it’s silly and I should have progressed so much by now, but I know the reason Why not, and I can’t get beyond it. It’s always there in the background waiting to suffocate all my efforts to move on. Anyone on here have some words of wisdom to help? (I'm in a fragile state so empathic answers where possible )
mhowe Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 You cannot be friends with someone after breaking up. It is counter intuitive. And from what you have shared, it appears you were very into the relationship to the exclusion of having your own interests and hobbies. While you can't see it yet, him ignoring your texts is the best way forward. You cannot be friends when he is dating someone else. Not fair to her.
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 I'm not even sure that he is dating her, this is all driving mad and I can't seem to get past it. It's been nearly 4 months now
mhowe Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Because if you let go of the fixation, you let go of your last connection to him. Time does heal, bit you have to be active in not stalking social media , etc. Fill up you life...you had one before him.
ParisPaulette Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 was also aware of her when we were dating as he told me this story about how she was very lonely and they had hung out and ended up sleeping together and she had started crying. Jeebus, how disrespectful of him to have overshared that with you. Next time a guy does that to you when they're dating you or in any way connected to you romantically, ask them if they see a phd cert on your wall and if they do that'll be $150 for the first hour of therapy and an additional $50 for every hour afterwards. Otherwise tell them to go find a psychotherapist in the phone book, you don't want to hear it. In other words, you weren't this fool's therapist. And if you're going to drop dates every time you hear something about the guy then don't date. Focus on your own life and activities you enjoy doing instead, find something that challenges you. I know it is hard not to obsess over an ex, but for your own sake and sanity you have to do that. Now is the time to find a new hobby or activity or friends or places to go to hang out, to let those things and people carry you forward away from heartbreak and into a new life. You deserve better than some oversharing idiot, okay? And it's only been four months, which is still new for breakup land. You will get over this, really you will, but give yourself some love and TLC and understand it just takes time. I've been there and it's rough, I know. But focusing on a new skill always helped me get over them faster. It's hard to stalk someone's FB page when your art teacher or dance instructor is at you to learn something new. Also minus points for his cliché snide remark about "doing what one love's for their job." That's all good and fine, but most people gotta eat and it doesn't factor in that many people, myself included and yes probably you too, need more time to try different things before finding your niche. Keep in mind in 10 years time you can very possibly be doing well financially while he's out there scrabbling for gigs in dive bars and living out of his car. I've seen it happen so many times when I lived in L.A. Today's flavor can be yesterday's news in less time than it takes one to get a new haircut. Plus if his mommy is still getting to weigh in on her son's ex-girlfriends lives then I would say he's got some growing up to do. I read that little bit and thought, "Ah, guy must be in high school." I think you dodged a bullet and in time you're going to see that more and more. Build your own life, fill it with things you like and enjoy. Never let another foist their own timetables off on you or ideas of what you should be. The minute your ex and his mommy did that they were just broadcasting that these were not the right people for you to be sharing your life with. So keep moving forward, time will ease the pain. So will finding your own interests and ways forward in life and you will do just fine there.
emptyeffort Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 i know it all hurts. going through similar stuff myself. but "I went into a bit of a tail spin and quit the date I was on to go home and sulk and give into facebook stalking." seems kinda unfair to me. you are clearly not over him and already dating again? you are just bound to waste anyone's time and hurt their feelings, should they start wanting to hang with you more or something more serious. if youre looking for one night stands its a little different but its also not a great way. you might just feel more empty and more of a shell.
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 This post was amazing, thank you. You've said what everyone else I've spoken to has failed to say. The only thing is, he has a recording contract and his album is out in January. He is professional musician and consider a prodigy, university scholarship etc. Played one gig in London and got a record deal. So I WISH I could put him in the 'musician bum' category but he impresses most people. Keep in mind in 10 years time you can very possibly be doing well financially while he's out there scrabbling for gigs in dive bars and living out of his car. I've seen it happen so many times when I lived in L.A. Today's flavor can be yesterday's news in less time than it takes one to get a new haircut. .
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 i know it all hurts. going through similar stuff myself. but "I went into a bit of a tail spin and quit the date I was on to go home and sulk and give into facebook stalking." seems kinda unfair to me. you are clearly not over him and already dating again? you are just bound to waste anyone's time and hurt their feelings, should they start wanting to hang with you more or something more serious. if youre looking for one night stands its a little different but its also not a great way. you might just feel more empty and more of a shell. I think I have also learnt from that evening that maybe I am not ready to date just yet as triggers can still do that to me.
CluelessQuirk Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I have been there and it sucks. For some reason, when some people are rejected, they have this need to redeem and prove themselves worthy. It stems from insecurity. I had to learn to be ok with with myself and who I am in moment. I won't change who I am in order to meet the needs of another person (usually perceived needs), just so they will desire me more. The happier you are with yourself, the more confidence you will exude. As a result, you will attract people who value you as you are. You two may just have different values and outlooks on life. It doesn't make you wrong or deficient in any way. Work on building yourself up and ignore him. As long as you are comparing yourself to what you think he wants, you will never feel good about yourself. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
ParisPaulette Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 The only thing is, he has a recording contract and his album is out in January. He is professional musician and consider a prodigy, university scholarship etc. Played one gig in London and got a record deal. So I WISH I could put him in the 'musician bum' category but he impresses most people. You have no idea how many people I've watched in Hollywood get handed amazing opportunities, make good on them for a short time, then p**s them away. Remember the Beatles? Yeah, my kid and his friends for the most part don't. The biggest living legend rock group in history and already the younger generations are like, "Pffftt whatever, they wore suits." Said when I was recounting having seen the Beatles in concert and having my son's girlfriend say, "What group was that?" (And I slowly reached for my walker then smacked my son with it--just kidding but it was a sobering moment about how fleeting time is.) Unless your ex is Mozart or Bach sooner or later he will be one more "Who the heck was that?" One record/one hit wonders are a dime a dozen. Lesson learned. Sure your ex might make it big, but to Mozart level? I doubt it. Even some of the most contemporary famous authors, films, producers of my time are all but forgotten. Unless this guy ends up in enough movies and pop culture references to keep going forward--I.e. Hemingway--his fame will still be fleeting. 'Tis the nature of the beast. On the other hand, a life well lived regardless of what you do or don't do, that is worth celebrating. It doesn't matter what others do, only what you do. At the end of your life you and you alone will have to answer and be there with one person--you. So make your life count and stop worrying about what he does with his. I've lived life enough to have seen my own evolution through several careers, life changing events, a dire threat and being death's door a time or two, and yes more moments of happiness and beauty that are mine, all mine, than can ever fill any album or book. And I'm not famous and I don't care. Trust me, you won't either in the grand scheme of things. Live your life fully, live it like you want to live it, let others entertain you sure, but don't beat yourself up about what you aren't doing that they are. We do not, thankfully, all have to be carbon copies of each other. It would be a pretty terrible world if we did.
PH Suite Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I'm partly in the music biz. I have performed at the highest levels, including extensively with one of the biggest pop stars on the planet, though my strength and main income is in the business world. I have a lot of friends who are on tv and radio daily, and several are in the top-10. They have less money than a typical waitress. 1. Record contracts pay nothing. Especially nowadays, but even back when. You end up owing the label money the vast majority of times. The exceptions are household names, maybe the top-20 acts, not today but consistently for a decade before you really make any money from a record deal. 2. Prodigious talent is usually inversely proportionate to success in the music biz. As in any other business, it's more about uncompromising hustle and some lucky breaks. 3. You wrote "he is a professional musician". That would mean he earns a living solely from writing or performing music, not from family subsidizing his expenses, not from giving little brats guitar lessons at some dusty shop, and not from anything else, otherwise...sorry...he's just another wannabe. He could wind up the exception, however the odds are lower than winning Powerball. Wish you god luck with your situation.
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Thank you so much for your replies, I think I really need to try and disconnect from his life and what he is doing somehow and thinking about him being with another girl etc and really start trying to live for myself and what I can do and what is in my reach and not compare myself to him. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow! PH Suite, thank you for your insight into the music business, it has helped put it into perspective for me.
PH Suite Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 You're very welcome! One thing I should add, having somewhat experienced what you're going through. Do NOT date until the ex is truly out of your mind and heart. Having a celebrity ex is especially tough because they keep popping up everywhere. It's worse if people keep asking you about him or her because of that. Even when the relationship is fine, it can seem like all people want to do is define you by your association to that person and "you" don't exist to them anymore.. unless you can get them free tickets, or autographs for their kids, or explain that the x-rated pics of them online are actually fakes, etc. etc. I realize your ex isn't a celebrity, but from that experience with the gig poster you had a taste of it so you can see what I mean and maybe anyone reading this will be careful what they wish for before dating someone who is, or could become, famous.
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 I am a little bothered by not being the girl who gets to support him through any success he has as he left me just before the gig that got him his record deal. I kind of feel insignificant somehow if that makes sense?
PH Suite Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 That's your choice. You can choose to see yourself as instrumental to his progress so far and be glad for it. You can stress over whether you'll have a chapter dedicated to praising you IF he ever is big enough to warrant publishing a biography. Or you can realize you may've dodged a bullet and go find someone in a stable line of work if that's important to you. Also realize that musicians will be on tour often, propositioned, sharing vans, busses and hotel rooms with attractive, talented women, etc.
putawetsuiton Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 yeah I guess that would make me paranoid, but we did discuss when we were together that he wouldn't be interested in the women he will meet on tour, but that doesn't matter now I guess. I need to try and take my focus off him, it has been difficult in this town as it clearly means avoiding certain places etc.
PH Suite Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Yep. All part of the fun. Imagine when people split who shared a house, kids, or workplace? Avoid as much as possible until you're totally neutral for a good length of time. Make friends perhaps, but not romantic relationships. Be well.
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