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Wife in love with another man


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Take a breath and relax. You are falling into your stbx trap of messing with you. Don't let her do this to you.

 

IF the paralegal in fact did what your stbx says she did (which I doubt) it would be her word against your cheating wife so who do you think anyone would believe?

 

Concentrate on what you can control and ignore what you cannot. Keep getting that house ready for sale, eat right, take walks with your kids, have fun and stay on the high road always.

 

Don't let her think she is getting to you.

 

Lost

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ok, here is the update.

Nothing much new. We told the kids, they didnt seem too affected. We came across as united allies to them, told them it wasnt their fault at all, told them they would be safe and we would always be their mom and dad - just weren't going to be husband and wife any longer. I guess its not too real to them since we are still co-habitating (new floors going in this week, house getting listed asap).

 

Heres something - tell me if im wrong here. Obviously mutual friends will be/are being told about our divorce. Shes getting pissed off because I am telling the truth about what happened (shes leaving me for another man....i didnt want this). I have made sure to not bash her or slander her, just telling the truth. She is worried about the details getting back to the kids - which i can understand, i guess. Thoughts?

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"The kids will learn the truth (assuming they don't already know it) sooner or later regardless."

- TM is right and wrong at the same time. You are the man they listen to, don't spoil that by taking the low-road! (Ref., Lost's High Road!)

 

"Heres something - tell me if im wrong here. Obviously mutual friends will be/are being told about our divorce. Shes getting pissed off because I am telling the truth about what happened (shes leaving me for another man....i didnt want this)."

- You know you're wrong and your petty revenge will backfire on you!

 

Many a dejected husband, who are in the place you are right now, would give anything to turn back the hands of time and be the man they should have been..., while holding their dead child.

 

 

"I have made sure to not bash her or slander her, just telling the truth.

- You're hurt and we all understand that but you must stop lying to yourself. STOP IT and STOP IT NOW!

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"The kids will learn the truth (assuming they don't already know it) sooner or later regardless."

- TM is right and wrong at the same time. You are the man they listen to, don't spoil that by taking the low-road! (Ref., Lost's High Road!)

 

"Heres something - tell me if im wrong here. Obviously mutual friends will be/are being told about our divorce. Shes getting pissed off because I am telling the truth about what happened (shes leaving me for another man....i didnt want this)."

- You know you're wrong and your petty revenge will backfire on you!

 

Many a dejected husband, who are in the place you are right now, would give anything to turn back the hands of time and be the man they should have been..., while holding their dead child.

 

 

"I have made sure to not bash her or slander her, just telling the truth.

- You're hurt and we all understand that but you must stop lying to yourself. STOP IT and STOP IT NOW!

 

Are you saying she's going to kill my children?

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Good question, Dplus3. Lester, that comment of yours is pretty creepy-sounding!

 

 

Dplus3, if you are not bashing or slandering her, that is positive! Such things would be awfully tempting in your situation! Whatever you do tell people, I would recommend that you look carefully at your own motives before you speak. It is easy to blame the other person; it is harder to be emotionally generous and non-judgmental.

 

I think when discussing this with mutual friends, the best thing is to think about the Golden Rule. If you were the one who had cheated, what would you want your soon-to-be-ex-wife telling people about the ending of your marriage?

 

You sound like you have a level head. I think you are handling this well in general. I know this is miserable, and you didn't want the marriage to end. I am very sorry for your pain.

 

Youareworthy

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Excuse the poorly written sentence.

 

Divorce and the subsequent broken home are very stressful to the children.

These stresses can be chronic and lead to all types horrible trouble.

 

Trouble you may not be there to help with.

This is why you need to do everything in your power to soften the blow and keep your kids out of it.

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you should absolutely be able to be honest with your friends. it's one thing not to bad mouth your wife, it's another thing to expect you to reinvent history- and you don't have to do that. This seems like yet another way in which she is trying to control you. I think the kids angle is just a way of guilt tripping you to keep her bad behaviour a secret.

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Dplus,

 

Read my words carefully.

 

Your number one goal is to get this divorce finalized as soon as possible with the least amount of damage done to you and your children. This means you need to tread lightly when speaking about your stbx. Her truth and the real truth will NEVER be the same thing. She is okay flaunting her cheating in front of you but she wants to make sure everyone else doesn't find out because she cares more about how things look then how they truly are. Let her have this for now as you need to play the long game. It takes patience and biting your tongue a lot but you can do it.

If you make her mad enough she can make this divorce a nightmare so hold your tongue and simply tell whom ever asks that she was the one that wanted a divorce and that you aren't going to say anything negative about her to anyone. The truth will come out as it always does no matter how hard cheaters try to keep it down or spin it into something else.

 

It takes a little while for the reality to sink in for the children. Keep an eye on their grades and demeanor, stay close and step up your time together doing simple stuff like walks or throwing the ball around.

 

There is nothing right or okay about what she has and continues to do but you need to keep your eyes on the prize at the end of all this. The truth can come out by itself and she will be judged by her actions and lies so just keep your head down and let it happen naturally.

 

 

Good to hear the house will be listed very soon. Have you agreed on an asking price? Do you have a realtor yet? If not you need to ask friends and family if they know someone good and successful and make contact with them. They can advise you and how to get the house ready to sell for the least amount of cash and time.

 

Take the high road even if it is uphill all the way...

 

Lost

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey Lost,

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom.

 

Yes we have agreed on an asking price, realtor, and timeframe. I am pretty much doing the little repairs around the house to get it ready for sale - of course she will want a 50/50 split on the profit.

 

It looks like she will be moving out soon and I will stay with the house until it sells. Thank goodness, its been 5 freakin months i've had to live with someone who is actively cheating on me - I stayed for my boys, hopefully that mattered somehow.

 

I dont know what the future holds - everything involving the kids will be a much bigger hassle.

 

Quick question: Put yourself in my situation and give me some advice regarding the first time I see this DB with my ex. By doing what hes currently doing with my stbx, he's pretty much being a disrespectful, lowlife, over-confident, arrogant who doesnt give a crap and thinks he's "won". Has anyone been in this type of situation?

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Quick question: Put yourself in my situation and give me some advice regarding the first time I see this DB with my ex. By doing what hes currently doing with my stbx, he's pretty much being a disrespectful, lowlife, over-confident, arrogant who doesnt give a crap and thinks he's "won". Has anyone been in this type of situation?

 

If there has ever been anyone beneath (not worthy of even) your contempt, it is your wife's paramour. And many here have been in your situation.

 

Ask yourself what has he 'won', what has he achieved? He has a woman that came to him via an affair and that may leave him the same way. He has broken a family.

 

He is worthy of being scraped off of your shoe and nothing more. Snicker at him and his empty 'victory'. He is already broken for only broken people do these things.

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Harboring negative thoughts toward him or anybody only prolongs the pain and healing process.

 

When/if you meet, play a positive only tape over and over in your mind.

eg [it is what it is. I did the best I could and maybe didn't understand. I understand now and wish you both nothing but happiness]

 

It will be hard D, (I/we know), but after a few times the anger will subside and you will see a NEW WORLD in front of you. You will be free!

 

 

PS, Maintaining negative thoughts requires huge amounts of energy and time. (Lifetimes of energy and time are lost by millions each day.)

Don't do it!

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Dear Dplus3,

 

Lester and Lost are giving you wonderful advice. Don't badmouth your stbx, because the truth about why your marriage is ending will become clear. Not gossiping about it will preserve your heart, and your reputation, from the taint of bitterness. And whenever you do have to encounter the cheating man, practice the positive internal monologue that Lester suggests BEFORE you meet him, WHILE you two are in the same room, and AFTER he's gone, to keep your emotions in check.

 

IMHO, your strategy is to consistently make the right decisions morally, to sow good seeds. Whatever seeds you sow, it is their fruit which you and your children will eat. Don't cave to your (justified) anger or feelings of vengeance. Keep remembering that when you make selfish or unwise choices, you and all the people around suffer, even years down the road. Conversely, when you do the right thing, be assured that you and all those you love will benefit forever, even if you cannot see the benefits now.

 

One more thing. Don't get caught in the trap of thinking that it isn't fair that she, who is cheating, is being rewarded by having a loving relationship and sex, whereas you, who remained faithful, are alone, not in a love relationship. Right now you can only see the short-term. Marriages of such adulterous couples have a mere 10% survival rate (and the surviving relationships are not necessarily happy or good). Take your time to heal and recover from this loss, find your own new life with your sons, and then, after a good while, you can again turn your mind to a new relationship if you wish. By that time, their "soulmate" relationship will almost certainly be sour, or even over.

 

I am happy for you that she is about to move out.

 

Youareworthy

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IMHO, your strategy is to consistently make the right decisions morally, to sow good seeds. Whatever seeds you sow, it is their fruit which you and your children will eat. Don't cave to your (justified) anger or feelings of vengeance. Keep remembering that when you make selfish or unwise choices, you and all the people around suffer, even years down the road. Conversely, when you do the right thing, be assured that you and all those you love will benefit forever, even if you cannot see the benefits now.

 

Youareworthy

 

This is so important. When my marriage ended, I made the decision to do this. My 'logic' was that, if our kids could look back from their later 20s and see that I was there for them, was not bitter about what had happened and that I had been there for them, it would be worth it. Almost 8 years later, being true to that has been one of the best things I ever did.

 

Addendum - There is nothing 'fair' about how your marriage is ending. And there is nothing you can do about that. Learn to live a life true to yourself and do the best for your kids that you can.

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Great advice everyone! I will keep replaying that mantra - "It is what it is. I did the best I could and maybe didn't understand. I understand now and wish you both nothing but happiness".

 

You guys/gals are answered prayer...

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Dplus,

 

Raoul is right. Let this guy have her, in fact he is doing you a huge favor by keeping her distracted and temporarily happy while you go through the divorce. They are still in their fantasy so let them stay there. It will end soon enough when real life smacks them in the face. So far it has been sneaking around and excitement while you took care of the day to day stuff. Just wait till they are around each other constantly and the shine has worn off. Right now he likes having your wife because she is yours and he is just using her but don't be surprised after she is totally free and able to be all his if he suddenly starts distancing himself from her.

 

What should you do? Take the high road and stay there. I was where you are now more than 8 years ago and I took the high road the best I could. My ex's soul mate turned out to be a total loser and it ended in less than 2 years. She now has a new bf that lives with her who wants to marry her but she keeps putting him off. I really like this guy and my son loves him. From what I hear she is overbearing and bossy towards him but that is his problem not mine.

My son and I couldn't be closer and he knows full well which parent stepped up and which one didn't. He loves his mom and things are better but I fear it may to little to late for her as far as a solid relationship with him.

 

I have said this many times to a great many people. Take the high road always and play the long game. Your goal is to get away from her with the least amount of damage to your children and yourself. Don't worry about her perceived happiness as it is not real. Her time is coming just like my ex's came...

 

You are doing just fine

 

Lost

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Dear Lost,

 

Thank you for providing the view from 8 years out to folks like Dplus3 (and me). It really helps all of us focus on the right choices in our lives and relationships as we see how your ex-wife's decisions played out in the long run. We can know in theory what is right to do, and how things will probably turn out, but we cannot always see the reality.

 

Youareworthy

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Dear Lost,

 

Thank you for providing the view from 8 years out to folks like Dplus3 (and me). It really helps all of us focus on the right choices in our lives and relationships as we see how your ex-wife's decisions played out in the long run. We can know in theory what is right to do, and how things will probably turn out, but we cannot always see the reality.

 

Youareworthy

 

Awww, yes you all will be okay. There is light at the end. Hugs.

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