Wife in love with another man

[lostandhurt]

Dplus,

 

You would be surprised how many times almost your exact words have been written out on this forum by others, me included.

 

This is what I heard when I confronted my wife.

 

"It was fate"

"He is my soulmate"

"I am in love with him"

"He is the love of my life"

 

Sound familiar? This was after she knew this loser for less than 3 months!

 

So you burst her bubble and she will be pissed at you for ruining her fantasy but don't think shame or guilt will stop her. She will blame you for driving her to do this and she will tell everyone that they are just friends and nothing has happened between them but she can't stand to be married to such a controlling narcissist any longer.

Don't apologize for posting no matter how messed up you feel. It is good to come here and vent and seek help and understanding. None of this makes sense and the worst thing you can do is try to make sense of nonsense. It will drive you crazy.

 

Get legal advice right away and start moving forward on the legal separation. This might sound mean but you do need to strike while she is in the throws of lust/love with this guy and right now all she wants is him so if you get going on the divorce you have a better chance of coming out of the whole thing in way better shape. Get your head wrapped around the idea that she is totally gone and there is NOTHING you can do to change that. Once you accept the reality of what is happening and about to happen you can get down to the business of divorce and it is a business deal make no mistake about that.

 

I am going to point some old friends from here towards your thread so they can help you as well. They all went through similar things and can speak from experience.

 

Keep posting and be sure to take good care of yourself physically please. You will need your strength for what is to come.

 

Lost

[Lester]

You said, "As I was driving there, the other dude called me..."

- Never talk to this man again! He's NOT your friend! Stable emotions on you're part are good but overdoing is not natural!

 

You said, "Anyway, told him she was all his and I finally arrived at their house."

- This and only this is the reason for her perceived confusion. Not you articles! (Power vs. weakness)

 

Helpful hints:

- No matter how much you may want to, you mustn't go to your bother-in-laws anymore.

- Change your cell phone number. Do not give it to your wife! She can leave messages for you in writing at your house/work/etc.

- Get a lawyer.

 

Don't be surprised when you see more movement in your direction on her part.

It's a normal reaction by a cheater to want to delay the day-of-reckoning. It will not fix anything..., only you can do that. (Yes, you are now in the power position)

 

-----------

Do you really want to be married to her?

If so, were you compatible from the start?

Was the marriage trapped?

If you were part of the problem; are you willing to change?

[abitbroken]

Consult an attorney. NOW. Since she is blatantly cheating and running around on you, I would find out what your rights are so that when she files - you will get fair custody of the kids, the right to bar him from spending time with the kids, and even get a fair shake at your assets because you are striking first. I would make note and document everything.

 

BTW

 

What a horrible woman. I would not be surprised if your kids already know about him.

[Dplus3]

You said, "As I was driving there, the other dude called me..."

- Never talk to this man again! He's NOT your friend! Stable emotions on you're part are good but overdoing is not natural!

 

You said, "Anyway, told him she was all his and I finally arrived at their house."

- This and only this is the reason for her perceived confusion. Not you articles! (Power vs. weakness)

 

Helpful hints:

- No matter how much you may want to, you mustn't go to your bother-in-laws anymore.

- Change your cell phone number. Do not give it to your wife! She can leave messages for you in writing at your house/work/etc.

- Get a lawyer.

 

Don't be surprised when you see more movement in your direction on her part.

It's a normal reaction by a cheater to want to delay the day-of-reckoning. It will not fix anything..., only you can do that. (Yes, you are now in the power position)

 

-----------

Do you really want to be married to her?

If so, were you compatible from the start?

Was the marriage trapped?

If you were part of the problem; are you willing to change?

 

Why shouldn't I go to my brother in laws? He is like family - my only family here. I should suffer through this alone? He is on my side and doesn't think what she is doing is right.

[kbbcoop77]

Why shouldn't I go to my brother in laws? He is like family - my only family here. I should suffer through this alone? He is on my side and doesn't think what she is doing is right.

 

Because blood is thicker than water and sooner or later he's gonna be socializing with his sister and the new guy and you'll be old news. My ex wife's parents were my family for 24 years and live a couple miles down the street..but I had to let them go too.

And the advice to strike now with divorce is good, capitalize on her guilt if she has any. Longer you wait the more she'll feel entitled to everything she can get even though she's the cheater.

[Dplus3]

Because blood is thicker than water and sooner or later he's gonna be socializing with his sister and the new guy and you'll be old news. My ex wife's parents were my family for 24 years and live a couple miles down the street..but I had to let them go too.

And the advice to strike now with divorce is good, capitalize on her guilt if she has any. Longer you wait the more she'll feel entitled to everything she can get even though she's the cheater.

 

I agree about striking while the iron is hot. But the other guy in the picture is her ex boyfriend whom she left for me. Her whole family hated him and thinks he's a dirtbag.

[Raoul]

Am I stupid for hoping things somehow workout?

__________

 

For now, yes, it is stupid. So stop that.

 

Seven years back when my now ex-wife of 24 years was caught with her affair, I asked her if she would stop seeing 'him' and work on the marriage. She said simply "I can't do that right now". I told her that I was filing for divorce later that day (and I did). I also told her two other things - that under no circumstances would I: 1) leave our home or 2) leave our children.

 

Right now, your erstwhile wife is using you, your children and your home as a safety net. She gets to pretend that she can have all that and her dirtbag. She is living in Fantasyland. And you should not allow that by your leave. So file for divorce immediately as in today or tomorrow. And then only speak to her if it is about your children or money. There is nothing else to say. Legally, the date of filing is very important. So for you and our kids, do this now.

 

Then (also immediately) make sure that any money she can get her hands on - checking accounts, savings accounts, investment accounts, credit cards, debit cards, home equity credit lines - any and everything - are closed off to her. You are not trying to starve her, you are protecting yourself and your kids. This is because people in Fantasyland are not someone you really know anymore and you and your kids come first. And until you file - you are responsible for half of any marital bills and expenses. (See why you need to file today?)

 

After you have filed and protected yourself financially, there are lots of other things you can and should do for you and your kids. But right now, until you do these two things, you are in Fantasyland too. For your sake and the sake of your children, get real today.

 

Then visit survivinginfidelity.com.

[Dplus3]

__________

 

For now, yes, it is stupid. So stop that.

 

Seven years back when my now ex-wife of 24 years was caught with her affair, I asked her if she would stop seeing 'him' and work on the marriage. She said simply "I can't do that right now". I told her that I was filing for divorce later that day (and I did). I also told her two other things - that under no circumstances would I: 1) leave our home or 2) leave our children.

 

Right now, your erstwhile wife is using you, your children and your home as a safety net. She gets to pretend that she can have all that and her dirtbag. She is living in Fantasyland. And you should not allow that by your leave. So file for divorce immediately as in today or tomorrow. And then only speak to her if it is about your children or money. There is nothing else to say. Legally, the date of filing is very important. So for you and our kids, do this now.

 

Then (also immediately) make sure that any money she can get her hands on - checking accounts, savings accounts, investment accounts, credit cards, debit cards, home equity credit lines - any and everything - are closed off to her. You are not trying to starve her, you are protecting yourself and your kids. This is because people in Fantasyland are not someone you really know anymore and you and your kids come first. And until you file - you are responsible for half of any marital bills and expenses. (See why you need to file today?)

 

After you have filed and protected yourself financially, there are lots of other things you can and should do for you and your kids. But right now, until you do these two things, you are in Fantasyland too. For your sake and the sake of your children, get real today.

 

Then visit survivinginfidelity.com.

 

I agree, will file for divorce asap. We have agreed to keep the kids as spared from crap as possible (yes, i know it is going to be crappy for them, but from what i have read, there are ways to keep the crap to a minimum). We have agreed to come to an appropriate agreement on the child visitation, child support and home situation. We just moved a year ago and pulled the kids from all of their friends and school, they had a hard time adjusting. I dont want to pull them out of school, i want them to finish the school year at their current school. Plus, due to her work schedule, she is able to work around their schedule. This week she is home with them because they are off for thanksgiving, for example.

[lostandhurt]

Be careful about promising anything to her at this time. It can come back to bite you in the butt later.

 

Take control of the situation and sit down by yourself and make a list of what you want to happen. Be realistic but don't be shy about getting what you should. Keep this list hidden and add to it when something pops into your head. When you see the lawyer the list will come in handy.

 

If you do talk to your brother in law ( I spoke to my in-laws too) don't spill the beans about what you plan on doing or are doing. Never bad mouth her to them and take the high road always. They can be you allies in this and when it is all over still help with custody stuff. Blood may be thicker than water but when children are involved the better parent is often the one people lean towards no matter the relation.

 

Lost

[Raoul]

I

I agree, will file for divorce asap. We have agreed to keep the kids as spared from crap as possible (yes, i know it is going to be crappy for them, but from what i have read, there are ways to keep the crap to a minimum). We have agreed to come to an appropriate agreement on the child visitation, child support and home situation. We just moved a year ago and pulled the kids from all of their friends and school, they had a hard time adjusting. I dont want to pull them out of school, i want them to finish the school year at their current school. Plus, due to her work schedule, she is able to work around their schedule. This week she is home with them because they are off for thanksgiving, for example.

__________

 

If "ASAP" means filing right now, today or before noon tomorrow, that's okay. If "ASAP" to protect yourself financially means right now or before noon tomorrow, that's okay.

 

Anything else is not okay. The date you file for divorce is the date that courts look to as demarcation of your financial exposure to be divided however that happens where you live. But if she raids or vacates any of your financial accounts or assets, even though the court may eventually tell her to give half of it back, you will never see any of it again.

 

Once you do these, you have no need to talk to her about anything but your children and their wellbeing. And that (along with your wellbeing) is all that matters for now.

 

Do not waste your time trying to save your marriage or her right now. If that happens at all, it won't even begin to happen until she wakes up, which she may never do.

[Lester]

"I called her and she was at the other dudes house drinking and talking with him and his family because it was his birthday. "

"As I was driving there, the other dude called me and started explaining that it was over and he loves her too and all of that."

 

Young kids are especially resilient to short-lived trauma.

Unless you take immediate action, the above has all the makings of a long, walk around during the day nightmare!

 

 

PS, I always hope a marriage can survive, but yours has no chance without her having her feet held to the fire.

[Dplus3]

"I called her and she was at the other dudes house drinking and talking with him and his family because it was his birthday. "

"As I was driving there, the other dude called me and started explaining that it was over and he loves her too and all of that."

 

Young kids are especially resilient to short-lived trauma.

Unless you take immediate action, the above has all the makings of a long, walk around during the day nightmare!

 

 

PS, I always hope a marriage can survive, but yours has no chance without her having her feet held to the fire.

 

What do you mean by "feet held to the fire"? - serious question.

[Lester]

Feet to the fire is some of what you have been doing. i.e., I'll give you your divorce. You can have her. Setting her free.

These actions will move her in your direction.

 

You're moments of weakness drive her away from you.

 

You still have to decide what you want to do.

So far, you only been a ball in a machine.

[kbbcoop77]

What do you mean by "feet held to the fire"? - serious question.

 

I don't think it matters, don't get caught up in false hope, she has checked out. Raoul has nailed it, funny his marriage lasted 24 years like mine that seems to be a magic number for some reason. Once they check out forget it. Protect yourself and your kids. She's not who she used to be ...i was looking at some old pics of us together yesterday cleaning up downstairs and I realized that person is longgggg gone. That life is over. But after 2 years life does go on.

[Dplus3]

Once they check out forget it. Protect yourself and your kids. She's not who she used to be ...i was looking at some old pics of us together yesterday cleaning up downstairs and I realized that person is longgggg gone. That life is over.

 

Thank you. That is one of those i'll keep reading over and over when i feel any weakness.

[Beautiful2491]

Been there with a very low down and dirty husband . Broken , hurt but difference is he wanted to stay with me but I got tired of him cheating over and over. I understand ur kids, and u still wAnting ur marriage but she doesn't deserve you or to have a family. Let her go one with that man, God will send you someone better! Read my threat I posted. I'm a living testimony that moving forward is possible. I suggest you or her move out too, you said she feels trapped .... Well you want to keep ur kids and urself safe , because ur wife is crazy , disrespectful and a narc! I wouldn't want her to try and harm you to keep the house and collect. Adultery is a very dangerous game for all parties involved. Gather ur evidence, and File as soon as you can!! you do not need to live with her, for your own mental health moving forward and for safety precautions! Let her go stay with that man ... She's low down for trying to have her cake while eating it too. Smh stay strong

[LC8328]

Very sorry to hear what you're going through...not much to add except we're thinking of you and hoping the divorce, etc works to your favor.

 

Good luck with all and stay strong!!!

[Blazer]

Hello D and welcome ENA. As I read your original post I was struck by the similarities between your current situation and mine in the past. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. You've gotten some very good advice here already and I hope maybe I can maybe add a few suggestions based on my own experiences when I was traveling this very same road that you are on.

 

A few have suggested that you find a lawyer, DO IT ! This is important because you need to find out what you are facing financially and what your legal options will be. In my state, infidelity is not considered grounds for a parent to be considered unfit. Before you start gathering proof be aware that you might reach a point where you find out too much. In other words I learned things about my ex and her relationship that didn't provide any needed info for the divorce but it added significantly to the pain I was feeling. If you don't already have a separate bank account, open one. Don't do it to hide money but have it as an account that you can use to hold money which can be transferred into a joint account from which you can pay your household expenses. Don't move out of the house, this can be considered abandonment and that can be used against you. Share the details of your situation with at least one person you can trust and talk to. It helps to have that support from someone who genuinely cares about you. Be on guard during the holidays with your emotions and avoid talking to her about significant events from the past in hopes of sparking memories of better times. If she has moved on emotionally she has buried those feelings and you most likely will be disappointed and further hurt by her lack of response. My child was too young to be aware of what was going on at the time so I can't offer any insight about how to make this less stressful for your children. There is no shame in asking for help and seeking the advice of a professional who can give you a few tools to deal with your grief and lessen the impact on the kids. Take care of them and yourself right now.

 

B

[Dplus3]

I have no future faith in marriage. How can I ever trust someone else who can just go and do this to me again? Anyone felt this way?

[Raoul]

I have no future faith in marriage. How can I ever trust someone else who can just go and do this to me again? Anyone felt this way?

__________

 

Don't paint all marriage with a broad brush because you are having a tough time with your marriage right now.

 

You have more important things to be doing. Did you file for divorce? Have you protected yourself and your children financially? Are you getting emotional support for yourself and your children?

 

You can explore the institution of marriage and your thoughts about it later, maybe with a therapist or counselor of some sort.

[Dplus3]

Ok here's an update: I am filing for the divorce and moving forward with that. Things took a little longer because of money.

 

My question is: I get these moments of intense emotions at times. It's anger mixed with frustration along with grief. I'm hitting the gym a lot more to get the extra energy out... I wish they had boxing, lol. What do I do with these emotions? (Practical advice please, I know a counselor would be good to see, but I'm talking like day to day stuff) If I think about them together, it enrages me. I'm not the type of guy to go off, I can control it, but man....does this start to get better? I hate this whole situation with all my guts.

[PH Suite]

Congratulations! Sooner the better.

 

Working out can help, but it can also amp you up so be careful. Generally keeping occupied and tiring yourself out enough to sleep at night. New friends? Old friends? Reconnect with a neglected hobby or passion.

 

Do the self-worth it takes to learn from this, then identify and commit to what you must do differently once you are ready to trust and perhaps love again. Make different mistakes maybe, but not the same ones. And become your best self so you can attract a higher quality woman than your soon-to-be ex.

 

Best of all is to meditate on the fact that she's only worth getting rid of and that guy's going to suffer her BS soon enough if he isn't already. One man's trash is another's treasure they say, but that's almost never true when it comes to liars and cheats. He'll be very sorry soon, she probably will be too, and you'll be much better off! Rejoice!

[Raoul]

Ok here's an update: I am filing for the divorce and moving forward with that. Things took a little longer because of money.

 

My question is: I get these moments of intense emotions at times. It's anger mixed with frustration along with grief. I'm hitting the gym a lot more to get the extra energy out... I wish they had boxing, lol. What do I do with these emotions? (Practical advice please, I know a counselor would be good to see, but I'm talking like day to day stuff) If I think about them together, it enrages me. I'm not the type of guy to go off, I can control it, but man....does this start to get better? I hate this whole situation with all my guts.

 

 

Having your life upended by infidelity and divorce is to say the least, disorienting. You are only going to get used to so much of it. It does start to get better. But you need to recognize that you are trying to get used to things that you don't want to get used to. And that takes time.

 

All the things you mention are ways to manage the stress and roller coaster of emotions. Regular physical exercise and counseling are two things that went the furthest for me in helping me accommodate in the early going and contributed most to adapting to doing all those things that you really don't want to be doing in the first place.

[Lester]

"I can control it, but man....does this start to get better? I hate this whole situation with all my guts."

- For most Husbands/Fathers there is no greater pain. At first, even with exercise, tasks, work, getaways, etc., the pain will be often and severe.

Time and your unique character/personality will determine at what rate it diminishes.

 

If handled correctly, I wouldn't say less then two years for severe to moderate pain.

Correctly means continuing with the action steps you are already taking, (Ena included), but also not get sucked into ANY type of new romantic relationship.

 

Instead, turn any anger, loneliness, fear and depression into careful evaluation of mistakes made and how to avoid them in the future.

 

 

Excerpt, James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" Chapter twelve, Anatomy of Adultery

Husband's Perspective: The human mind cannot tolerate agitated depression and grief indefinitely. The healthy personality will act to protect itself in time, throwing off the despair and groping for stability. One method by which this is accomplished is by turning pain into anger. Thus, the husband may harbor a deep but quiet hostility toward his wife — the one who betrayed his trust, shattered his home, took half his money and hurt his kids. He no longer accepts the blame for what has happened, feeling instead that he was betrayed. He would not take his wife back now under any circumstances. He begins to brace himself for whatever may come.

[Dplus3]

[quote=

 

Excerpt, James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" Chapter twelve, Anatomy of Adultery

Husband's Perspective: The human mind cannot tolerate agitated depression and grief indefinitely. The healthy personality will act to protect itself in time, throwing off the despair and groping for stability. One method by which this is accomplished is by turning pain into anger. Thus, the husband may harbor a deep but quiet hostility toward his wife — the one who betrayed his trust, shattered his home, took half his money and hurt his kids. He no longer accepts the blame for what has happened, feeling instead that he was betrayed. He would not take his wife back now under any circumstances. He begins to brace himself for whatever may come.

 

Yep, Pretty much this ^^^