Heterosexual relationship, homosexual porn

[lilpurp]

Any ability to have a monogamous relationship is still outweighed by the fact of health risks associated with gay sex.

 

He's never had gay sex. He is strictly monogamous. He would never cheat. I know this as a fact. And if he ever were to have sex with any other person in the case of a breakup, I know he would take precautions with the new partner. He is well educated and would never do anything to compromise his or my health.

 

Also, I think ir's wrong to associate all gay sex with HIV. Straight people contract HIV. And while it is more likely that you will contract it engaging in anal sex, straight people have anal sex too.

[lilpurp]

Talk to him about it, listen to what he has to say, then make up your mind if you believe him.

 

If you don't, the only option is to leave because once trust is gone the relationship is over.

 

I believe him. He's still my person for everything.

[WithLove]

Maybe you can just use a strap-on on him. Problem solved.

[tiredofvampires]

I don't see it as necessarily "calculating" that he'd leave his folder to easily pop up for you to see. I see that as maybe a benign way to bring the subject up, without him actively having to do so, because maybe he just wasn't sure how to broach the subject. I mean, if the folder was nested in many subfolders, either you did do some "digging", or he was extremely careless about closing his folders. Does he tend to be absent-minded/careless?

 

Not that that's the main point here.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your pain conditions -- I'm in a similar boat, just sans boyfriend.

 

If you have no question that he's attracted to women and is able to enjoy your body, it doesn't sound to me like he's gay. What would be on my mind if I were you is, what exactly he's "grappling" with? Most people know their sexuality from a very early age -- usually at about adolescence, when sexuality is starting to emerge. So to me, the idea that he hasn't known about some bisexual leaning for a very long time, as in, more years than you've been together, seems implausible. He may have emotionally suppressed it, which is very common, especially when there's a lot to lose and at stake with various relationships in "coming out". I certainly don't think that 6 happy years together is an insurance policy in ANY relationship. People grow, change, things happen, evolve, so while I'd hope you live out your dream life together, I don't think just because you've made it this far, that means you've got a guarantee that you'll live happily ever after.

 

His explanation sounds logical, but if it were me, I'd want to know more. I'd want to know what troubles him about the idea he might be bi, or any other aspect of this habit. Because clearly, he's conflicted over it. What is the nature of that conflict? Is it just that he wants to understand his identity? Is it that he's not sure what the ramifications of that identity are? I'd also want to know what about the male-on-male porn arouses him, and why he thinks this doesn't translate into any desire for men in real life. I'd want to know what about gay porn he likes.

 

So this is an open dialogue I would have, in your place.

 

The only other pause I have is why, if you have such a trusting and sound relationship, would he feel afraid of telling you? At six years, you can mostly tell if your partner is someone who is tolerant and open-minded, or not, and how they treat your vulnerabilities. What was he afraid of happening?

 

I know bi people who are in long-term heterosexual relationships, so I don't think it has much to do with monogamy. I had a bi lover once, someone who is quite dear to me, and he said he enjoyed the physical acts of sex with gay men (he did have gay sex), but he could never seek out a man for emotional bonding, and didn't even desire to kiss a man. I know he could have sustained a relationship with me, and he tried with other women, but for reasons not relating to sex he had a lot of emotional work to do on himself. He's better now, but we live in different countries.

[lilpurp]

I came across the folder because I was uploading pictures to Facebook. When you press "upload," the most recently accessed picture folder opens. In this case, it was that folder. Not digging, not left open. I am sure it wasn't planned and I'm glad it came up. (Also he is very absent minded.)

 

According to him, he didn't seek out any gay porn. It was the type of thing that would come up on sites he was accessing, and he slowly realized there were multiple ways to turn him on. I think in the beginning he was ashamed, and that's why he kept it from me. Even though 95% of our friends (and I) would be completely okay with it, his family would flip out. I think it's hard to untrain the brain when your whole childhood consisted of people telling you that "homo sex is sin." Just a thought on the shame aspect. After that, I believe he avoided telling me because he didn't want me to have any doubts about his desire and love for me. Of course for me, something being kept from me is much worse than the fact that he likes to look at guys. But to him he was protecting my feelings. He despises conflict of any kind.

 

I didn't include that we spent four years in a long distance relationship. It was during the last 9 or so months of this time apart that he discovered his attraction to gay porn.

 

As for what he's grappling with: he doesn't feel right claiming a bisexual identity. He doesn't feel the need to come out. Regardless of our relationship status, he doesn't think he would have a relationship or even sex with a man. He said the idea of him having sex with a man does not appeal to him. He said that there is a fantasy and exaggeration component to gay porn, and believes at this time that it's strictly a masturbatory thing. He's been looking at MM/MF/MFF/FF porn. Also, he's looking one to two times per month. My biggest fear initially was that porn might be a "too frequent" thing.

 

I'm not banking on the length of our relationship as a "we did it!" I'm having to come to terms with the fact that right now we're happy, he loves me, he wants me, and he thinks this is going to be forever for him. I can't worry that his desires and feelings might change because if I do, I think I'd be consumed with doubt. I don't want to end something that is great right now because of what I think could happen in the future.

[lilpurp]

I did look at the folder and I did see he types of gay porn he's looking at. I want to talk to him about it, but I think this is pretty fresh and he's embarrassed and trying to figure it out himself. I do plan to. We had a big talk the night I found it and have had small discussions everyday since. Those were some good questions and I will ask. Thanks for that help!

 

Everything I saw that was MM was oral or 69.

[mhowe]

I think daily discussions about this need to stop.

 

You trust him? Or you don't?

His porn tastes ---- are his porn tastes. He doesn't need to defend them to you.

[lilpurp]

I think daily discussions about this need to stop.

 

You trust him? Or you don't?

His porn tastes ---- are his porn tastes. He doesn't need to defend them to you.

 

It's been four days. I'm not going to harass him about this for a month or even a year. The "daily conversations" have been:

 

Oh yeah, *question*?

*Answer*

Okay.

 

Not long, drawn out sob fests. I don't think he needs to defend himself, and he's not defending himself. I would like to understand my partner's sexual preferences and want to make sure that the sex we're having is fulfilling to him.

 

I trust him. I want to understand him. He deserves to be understood and deserved to have his needs met in my opinion. If the porn is doing it for him, I guess we're good.

[mhowe]

I think if he had wanted to discuss his porn tastes and fantasies with you, he would have. Because you now have a need to know how and if your sex life is fulfilling to him....I am not surely daily chats are accomplishing your goal.

 

Have you had sex since the discovery?

[Iggy5129]

I'm a straight woman who watches lesbian porn. I in no way want to have a relationship with a woman or have sex with one. Somehow this is more acceptable to society. It's the same thing probably with your bf but society makes him feel it means something more.

 

It's what he likes to masturbate to and nothing more. Reassure him and make him feel comfortable with it so he doesn't start to believe it means he is gay. It doesn't. Sexuality is a spectrum it's not black and white.

 

FYI this is why I don't snoop. You only find out things that you don't want to know but aren't real problems. Real problems always surface eventually. No need to snoop.

[lilpurp]

Thanks for the reply. I agree with what you said about sexuality being fluid wholeheartedly. I have no issue with this and have made that clear to him. I am just trying to understand. I get why he did it, but it's the hiding things from me that made it hurt.

 

Also, I wasn't snooping I, with permission, was using his laptop to upload pictures fem my camera to Facebook. When I clicked upload, the most recently accessed picture file popped up. I agree with you on snooping as well. Never have, never will snoop.