Heterosexual relationship, homosexual porn

[lilpurp]

My boyfriend and I have been in a happy relationship for six years. I have never trusted anyone more fully. I am happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

 

Long story as to how I came about it, but I came across a folder of pornographic images on my boyfriend's computer. These were a mix of porn -- men and women, men and men, and some cartoon images. There was also a male/female video and a male/male video.

 

I confronted him that night and we had a long talk. He said he has been consuming gay porn one to two times per month for the last year and half. He is grappling with its meaning. He feels uncomfortable claiming a bisexual identity because he feels no emotional or physical attraction to min outside of porn.

 

He maintains that his love for me is unwavering, and regardless of his porn habits, he sees his future with me and only me.

 

Do any of you have experiences with anything like this? Or are you a man who dates women and is aroused by gay porn?

 

I believe him and I'm okay with it. I just have my own insecurities and worry that I may not fulfill him forever.

 

Thanks!

[j.man]

What would it matter if he were bi? Straight or bi, he's still only sleeping with you and not any other woman or man.

 

Let it go and stop looking through his ****. Six allegedly happy years and you gotta dig around to find something to stir up drama over. Despite what you may have learned from Gilmore Girls or Sex and the City, there isn't some monthly quota for it that you need to fill in your relationship.

 

If you've really never trusted someone so deeply yet still needed to dig through his directory, then it's safe to say you might want to explore some therapy for these trust issues.

[Sabby]

Every case is different. I know a married couple. Wife finds gay porn on husbands laptop early last year. By the end of the year, husband leaves wife and claims he's bisexual. Fast forward to this year, he's full on gay and lives with his boyfriend. Anyway the husband tells me he felt it all along and finally wanted to experience it himself. He did, enjoyed it, and now he's gay.

 

Maybe your boyfriend is confused on his sexuality and too embarrassed to admit his attraction for the same sex.

 

I've had ex boyfriends that watched porn. MF, MMF, FFM, FF, but NEVER just MM.

[lilpurp]

I appreciate the reply. I didn't feel the need to explain how I came across the pictures, but since there's clearly judgment involved...

 

I had done a photo dump of photos from my camera to his computer. I texted to ask, and went on to upload to Facebook. When I pressed the upload button, it pulled up his last accessed picture folder. I wasn't going through his s***. Never have, never will.

 

Thanks though.

[lilpurp]

Thanks for the reply. I have no issue with his sexuality. I just don't want him to regret never exploring that part of his identity if it is.more than he's letting on.

 

Mostly, I haven't talked this through with anyone out of respect for his privacy. Hearing another perspective really helps. Thank you.

[j.man]

Thanks for the reply. I have no issue with his sexuality. I just don't want him to regret never exploring that part of his identity if it is.more than he's letting on.

 

Mostly, I haven't talked this through with anyone out of respect for his privacy. Hearing another perspective really helps. Thank you.

"Part of his identity." It's as much "part of his identity" as lusting after the idea of a busty amazon red head is a part of mine. I haven't had the opportunity to have sex with said fiery amazon, but when a guy agrees to monogamy, he submits to the fact he's giving up the right to fulfill a plethora of unrealized fantasies. Even if he's as straight as a ruler, there will still be a hundred women in the back of his mind who he will never bang. If he's bi, it just means there are gonna be men right back there, too. He has expressed to you his identity, and that's as an exclusive partner to you. He has 6 years of faithfulness backing that up.

 

A lot of bi people don't want to admit to it because it carries the tragic misconception that, despite all faithfulness, they're suddenly twice as likely to cheat.

[lilpurp]

I know, and I don't question his faithfulness. I just wanted an outside perspective. I think I'm in the processing phase and I know it will be fine.

 

I also thank you for the laugh. You obviously can't tell, but I'm a 6' tall redhead. Good chuckle.

[j.man]

I know, and I don't question his faithfulness. I just wanted an outside perspective. I think I'm in the processing phase and I know it will be fine.

 

I also thank you for the laugh. You obviously can't tell, but I'm a 6' tall redhead. Good chuckle.

.... your boyfriend is a lucky, lucky man.

 

If I come off as crass, it's only because I want this processing phase done and over. The gay porn is either a novelty (let's face it... it's just got that umf that straight porn just doesn't have... I'm only semi-ashamed to admit to knowing that because I've had enough gay roommates over the course of my life), or maybe he is bi. Bottom line is he's yours and he has no interest in that changing. And that I guarantee is the single most important part of his sexual identity.

 

Best of wishes for the years ahead!

[lilpurp]

Thank you!

[Ms Darcy]

.... your boyfriend is a lucky, lucky man.

 

I'm gonna guess you loved Laura Prepon from That 70s Show ... when she had red hair.

[j.man]

I'm gonna guess you loved Laura Prepon from That 70s Show ... when she had red hair.

Out of respect to my girlfriend who's sleeping in bed next to me as I post... I'm gonna plead the 5th on this one.

[dave_1966]

I think you need to have a very serious talk about his potential bisexuality, what he does with his body is clearly up to him but if he engages in risky sexual behaviour with another man behind your back there's obviously potential health risks for you such as HIV etc. No amount of liberal free thinking about sex and sexuality will mask this harsh fact from you, and for a lot of women I think this would be a deal breaker.

[Realitynut]

I had a friend, who was married for 20 yrs. Had 2 daughters, almost grown. I knew them both very well. One day she was complaining about his being grouchy, etc. and I said, "Linda, I don't know how to say this, but could he be gay?"

 

When I was growing up...I knew nothing of gay people. And figured if they were married...they CERTAINLY weren't gay.

 

She was shocked...and said, "how did you know". She hadn't been sleeping with him for 6 years. On the computer all the time. Yep. Gay porn. And when he told her he thought he was gay...whatcha gonna do? She slept on the couch and kept everything a secret for her girls. Eventually she met a guy which forced her to start divorce proceeding. He went on to move out of state with a 'new friend'. She never told her girls. I would talk to the oldest girl, in her early 20's and she'd say..."Oh yeah, Dad is having so much fun, he has a room mate...blah, blah, blah" Never had a clue.....

 

Ex never told a soul. And the only reason I knew was cuz I guessed.

 

When I think back about it tho.....she was never the really girly type...not a tall, busy Redhead! No makeup, short hair, jeans....kinda 'guy like'....so maybe that is what attracted her to him.

 

But just saying...the guys I dated....don't even care for looking at regular porn...much less gay porn. BTW...I can't STAND girl on girl.....ick. Just me...guess I just like my men too much!

[lilpurp]

I think you need to have a very serious talk about his potential bisexuality, what he does with his body is clearly up to him but if he engages in risky sexual behaviour with another man behind your back there's obviously potential health risks for you such as HIV etc. No amount of liberal free thinking about sex and sexuality will mask this harsh fact from you, and for a lot of women I think this would be a deal breaker.

 

Thanks. I hear you and we did discuss it and will continue to. I'm not worried about him being unfaithful or engaging in sex with anyone else.

[lilpurp]

I'm gonna guess you loved Laura Prepon from That 70s Show ... when she had red hair.

 

Ha! My go to Halloween costume.

[lilpurp]

Thanks for your reply. I know he is attracted to women and to me -- this is not a concern. The more I think about it, the more I'm assured.

 

I think sexuality is a lot more fluid than we're raised to believe. I'm okay with him exploring it, it was just a surprising find.

[tiredofvampires]

OP, what is your sex life like? How does he behave in the bedroom?

 

And this is a kind of personal question, but does he enjoy performing oral?

 

I'm wondering if he left that folder there on his computer, easy to access, because he wanted you to find it and ask him. So, out of guilt.

[Man with Dog]

I think there's still a lot of ignorance about bisexuality. I only discovered in the last 10 years that most bi people are capable of having monogamous relationships.

[dave_1966]

I think there's still a lot of ignorance about bisexuality. I only discovered in the last 10 years that most bi people are capable of having monogamous relationships.

 

Any ability to have a monogamous relationship is still outweighed by the fact of health risks associated with gay sex.

[Clinton]

Talk to him about it, listen to what he has to say, then make up your mind if you believe him.

 

If you don't, the only option is to leave because once trust is gone the relationship is over.

[WithLove]

I mean, I've watched lesbian porn before. (Is it okay to be this honest?) I'm straight, though. I've never had any urges IRL. I just appreciate a beautiful woman. I like pretty things. Is that so bad?

[dias]

I mean, I've watched lesbian porn before. (Is it okay to be this honest?) I'm straight, though. I've never had any urges IRL. I just appreciate a beautiful woman. I like pretty things. Is that so bad?

We have the same taste .

 

I've heard straight female friends saying that they watch(sometimes) lesbian porn because the "normal" porn is too violent and degrading for women. I am pretty sure they are straight. But i think with men is different . Personally i abominate watching someone else's penis .

[WithLove]

Regarding the OP - a fantasy is just a fantasy. A person can fantasize about someone else, even the same sex, and never want to act out the fantasy. Sexualities are very strange things.

[lilpurp]

OP, what is your sex life like? How does he behave in the bedroom?

 

And this is a kind of personal question, but does he enjoy performing oral?

 

I'm wondering if he left that folder there on his computer, easy to access, because he wanted you to find it and ask him. So, out of guilt.

The limiting factor in our sex life is me

I was recently diagnosed with multiple chronic pain conditions and consequently suffer from pain, joint disolactions, and fatigue. When I'm interested he is too. Never in the six years we've been together has he turned down or seemed uninterested in anything. I don't question his attraction to women or to me at all.

 

Yes, he does.

 

This thought crossed my mind as well, but he's the least calculating person I know. The folder was well hidden within multiple subfolders, it just popped up when I clicked. I don't think he could have anticipated this.

 

He did say he's been debating telling me all along. His reasoning for not was that he had no plans or desires to act upon it, and that his plans to be with me forver are unchanged, so he assumed telling me would only do harm.

[lilpurp]

I mean, I've watched lesbian porn before. (Is it okay to be this honest?) I'm straight, though. I've never had any urges IRL. I just appreciate a beautiful woman. I like pretty things. Is that so bad?

 

Of course this is okay! As I said, I think sexuality is extremely fluid.

 

Unfortunately, I think there is a huge stigma around men who aren't in the black and white sexually. Bisexuality in women is often a turn on for their partners, but it was shocking for me to discover this aspect of my boyfriend's identity. I feel awful about this. I didn't say anything remotely negative or demeaning to him, but it was a really hard pill to swallow. I hate that these messages are so deeply engrained in us