azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Hi everyone! I am 31 from Dubai and I am new on this site, I have come here as I have a problem and dont really want to involve the friends in my life. Your honest and mature advice will be highly appreciated. So here goes, My ex boyfriend and I broke up almost 3 years ago. During these 3 years he has maintained some kind of contact with me even if it is every few months. We ended on fairly bad terms and it kinda just dissolved into a strange friendship (if that is even possible). I have been struggling with my feelings for him ever since, they won't go away. It is as strong as they were 3 years ago if not stronger as I have grown and matured so much during this time. We still see each other every once in a while to catch up and yes we sometimes sleep together (horrible choice i know), we are both still single. We have reached a point where we don't really talk about what happened and that has been ok with me because I am scared I'd break down opening old wounds. We just appreciate the time we are together and do the same things we did when we were together...talk all night, listen to music together, just normal things minus the lovey dovey talk. We even mentioned to each other that we have been with another person. So it seems like a normal friendship right. So, this year was a fairly good one, I have managed slightly handle my feelings for him as I didn't hear from him for about 6 months. He contacted me needing advice on a career decision. I knew he doesn't really have close friends and I have always been his go to person for serious things so I offered advice. Thats when we saw each other a few weeks ago and we again stayed up all night enjoying each other's company. The strange thing is is that he keeps talking about the past, our past relationship, he started playing all of our songs and talking about things that we have both locked away. He spoke about things as though he has finally healed from them though. I didn't know how to handle this so I just let him speak most of the time, trying to keep cool etc, didn't want to make the evening weird and awkward but being emotional. Anyway, the next weekend we didn't see each other but he kept sending me old pictures of us and archive conversations we had. I just responded in a polite way with a "lol, i remember that" those kinda responses. After that he went cold and I never heard much from him in 2 weeks. At this point I am still trying to figure out what his deal is, and protecting my feelings at the same time. When i sent him a text to ask how is he doing he's response was very cold and closed. At this point I haven't shown him any signs I am still in love with him and have not being intense in anyway, I was kinda just being a friend to him, seems like he needed it. In the meantime I was hurting like hell, because I am so much in love with him and now I have to pretend to have this platonic friendship, not realizing that I am asking a lot of myself and I may not be ready. I thought I could ignore my feelings and be a friend he needed because I love him that much and care about him like family. So I am wondering if he is in a good place that he can now look back and talk about our relationship, meaning he must be over me, or is it indirectly trying to let me know that he still loves me. Most importantly, ever since he reconnected I have been feeling down again, with him back in life kinda and reminding me we are over..and knowing that we are nothing more...its selfish but its natural. It is hard being friends with someone you're in love with, I have finally learnt that to be true no matter how mature you are, the heart will never be satisfied with friendship, I honestly thought I could change that. So because I am at a point in my life where I can't go through all this emotional trauma again and worked so hard to be in a good place before this...I am wanting to tell him once and for all that I am still in love with him and that I have always been. I want him to know that I cant be friends and he needs to tell me theres no chance for us so that my heart can learn to accept that, I need to hear him say it. Of course if he says it I will have to end all contact with him until I am fully over him. At the same time I feel bad for leaving him at what seems to be a lonely time for him, as he told me he has no one. I dont know what to do but I cant handle all these wounds that are openings and the hole in my heart every night. So please share your opinions..should I tell him so that I can move on once and for all. Or are the signs clear that I should just keep it to myself and move on...if he wants me he would tell me kinda thing. Please help.
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 This isn't a platonic friendship. This is occasional F**buddies. Telling him how you feel, especially with him being cold and short --- will serve one purpose. He will disappear because IF he wanted to be with you, he would. He knows where you are and how to reach you. You are just an easy bed partner when he's feeling the need for an ego boost. Move on.
azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Dont you think its better if I heard it from his mouth? Like being smacked with the truth.
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 If you need to be hit on the head with a 2x4 to figure out why your head hurts, go ahead. But it will make you look naïve at best, and pathetic at worst. I would take the high road and stop letting this guy in your bed and in your head space.
azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 i dont see how being honest about my feelings and straight forward makes me look pathetic...I'm not going to ask him if he feels the same, merely just letting him know why i cant do this anymore.
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Does he need to know why? Just tell him you are done. Because he broke up with you years ago and you are still pining for him. That's kinda sad.
azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Im not afraid of letting him know and if thats what it takes for him to disappear, even better. Id do anything to get out of this and he keeps coming back when I am in a better place. We will both know why the other disappeared. And i am mature enough to deal with rejection especially since I have spent 3 years dealing with the breakup and Ive done so well, its when he comes back that I take steps back. I need him to either say he wants to try and make it work or to leave me alone for good. Honestly this has ruined 2 potential relationships so far. I can live with him out my life. I cant live with him in and out my life.
azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Just dont get why he keeps bringing up the past, sending me evidence of our relationship...if he wanted sex why would he need to beat around the bush with such things. He knows its not necessary and why would he want to make things fragile?
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 You do know that you can choose to not let him in? If you would do anything to get out of this, why on earth would you tell him you love him? You haven't done as well as you think if you cannot put him behind you. Why do you need HIM to make the decision? If he wanted to try again, he could have. If he wanted to talk about it, he could have. Instead, he uses you as a sex station when he feels like it. If you can't live with the in/out ---- then simply lock the door. You are giving him the power. And he could say he wants in ----- and leave again. In two weeks.
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Just dont get why he keeps bringing up the past, sending me evidence of our relationship...if he wanted sex why would he need to beat around the bush with such things. He knows its not necessary and why would he want to make things fragile? Because it keeps you hooked on the nostalgia. Which is why afterwards, instead of moving forward, After that he went cold and I never heard much from him in 2 weeks.
azalia Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Do you think he knows I still love him or is he clueless?
mhowe Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Of course he knows. That's why he brings up the past. He isn't clueless. He just doesn't feel the same way.
suenelson Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 It sounds to me like he is also still into you, but he beats around the bush rather than being direct. A key struggle for many guys is being passive rather than being direct. That's why he's playing all your old songs, talking all night with you, etc. But you're right... frankly, you're 31. Time to get this relationship going or move on. Think about it - if it takes you 3 years to find someone else and get married, you'll be 34 when you get married. And if you want to have kids, it's time to start crackin' in the next year or two. The BEST way to move on from this guy is to find another guy. Once you start a relationship with someone else, you'll be surprised how quickly your emotional dependence on this dude fades. Also, another key reason you're both still doing the middle-school dance with one another rather than calling it quits is you're still sleeping together. That has emotional connections built in - I don't care what believers in "friends with benefits" say. Plus, maybe if he gets laid after these all night talking sessions, he has another motivator there. I dated a guy for years and my husband dated a girl for years also when we were younger. Cutting those ties takes some guts and tears, but in retrospect, it's the best thing we ever did. (plus his ex's were CRAZY!)
Feast Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 The way it lingers and then reconnects, lingers reconnects, not good. He's accustomed to treating you this way and if he's a good person that loves you he couldn't treat you that way. you guys can't be friends. Either all on or off, off is better based on past circumstances.
Dottieflanogon Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Sure I'd say express your feelings to him so that way you know where you stand. If he doesn't have any interested in getting back together then I would cease all contact. Since you still have romantic feelings for your ex , then there's no way a friends with benefits situation would work. Sure, it would work for him. He would get to hang around with you and fool around with you. And you would get what you want: you still want him in your life. But even if he is not dating anyone at the moment , there's a good chance he at least been "seeing" other girls. Are you sure it wouldn't make you feel slightly uncomfortable? My suggestion is for you to distance yourself from your ex until you've resolved your feelings for him.
sunnz Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Lay it out on the table and tell him how you feel about him but do not expect anything in return, it is better to be open about what you feel then to regret later in the future, at least if he doesn't feel the same you can close that chapter. Too many people assume things before they know for sure, communication is not used at the best of times and to avoid confusion say what you feel and then move on or new beginnings.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I totally agree with this and I am very much leaning toward just telling him and he can either say he feels the same way or he doesn't. If he doesn't I break all contact for a very long time until my feelings subside (I am very much capable of cutting people off so I am confident in doing so) If he says he feels the same then we can see what happens from there.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 Lay it out on the table and tell him how you feel about him but do not expect anything in return, it is better to be open about what you feel then to regret later in the future, at least if he doesn't feel the same you can close that chapter. Too many people assume things before they know for sure, communication is not used at the best of times and to avoid confusion say what you feel and then move on or new beginnings. I totally agree with this and I am very much leaning toward just telling him and he can either say he feels the same way or he doesn't. If he doesn't I break all contact for a very long time until my feelings subside (I am very much capable of cutting people off so I am confident in doing so) If he says he feels the same then we can see what happens from there.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 The way it lingers and then reconnects, lingers reconnects, not good. He's accustomed to treating you this way and if he's a good person that loves you he couldn't treat you that way. you guys can't be friends. Either all on or off, off is better based on past circumstances. This is very true as well, he prob is used to having things this way and I am the fool for falls to my knees because I just see love.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 It sounds to me like he is also still into you, but he beats around the bush rather than being direct. A key struggle for many guys is being passive rather than being direct. That's why he's playing all your old songs, talking all night with you, etc. But you're right... frankly, you're 31. Time to get this relationship going or move on. Think about it - if it takes you 3 years to find someone else and get married, you'll be 34 when you get married. And if you want to have kids, it's time to start crackin' in the next year or two. The BEST way to move on from this guy is to find another guy. Once you start a relationship with someone else, you'll be surprised how quickly your emotional dependence on this dude fades. Also, another key reason you're both still doing the middle-school dance with one another rather than calling it quits is you're still sleeping together. That has emotional connections built in - I don't care what believers in "friends with benefits" say. Plus, maybe if he gets laid after these all night talking sessions, he has another motivator there. I dated a guy for years and my husband dated a girl for years also when we were younger. Cutting those ties takes some guts and tears, but in retrospect, it's the best thing we ever did. (plus his ex's were CRAZY!) Its minding boggling really because he isn't the type to lead people on especially when to comes to love. I was his first relationship and no one has ever seen him with anyone else since we broke up. And yes I am at an age where I cant play games like this anymore hence me wanting to tell him, I think I would feel a sense of relief and yes closure...more so if his feelings aren't mutual, I can close and lock the door for good without feeling bad because he would have to understand and respect my choice. I think I am more afraid of him not giving me a good enough answer or even saying he still loves me. I wouldn't know what to do with that info..
mhowe Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 If his feelings were mutual, you would know it. He wouldn't be appearing and disappearing. A "good enough answer"? Anything less than a "yes" is a no. He may love you, but not enough to commit to you. All of the above equals ----- Move on and close the door.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 If his feelings were mutual, you would know it. He wouldn't be appearing and disappearing. A "good enough answer"? Anything less than a "yes" is a no. He may love you, but not enough to commit to you. All of the above equals ----- Move on and close the door. I get where you are coming from but don't you think personality has something to do with it. When he initially told me is has feelings for me when we began, he told me and didn't act on it for months before I actually approached him and said dude whats the deal here. He confessed to having no confidence at all. He is literally those geeky guys who are clueless about woman. Not defending him just painting his picture a little. Having said that I am sure he is comfortable enough with me at this point to not be shy.
mhowe Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 You can make excuses until the cows come home. The bottom line ---- he has known you and how you feel about him for 3 years. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. You are defending him. And so, go ahead and put your heart in your hand and offer it to him. It is the only answer you are looking for.
azalia Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 You can make excuses until the cows come home. The bottom line ---- he has known you and how you feel about him for 3 years. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. You are defending him. And so, go ahead and put your heart in your hand and offer it to him. It is the only answer you are looking for. And whats the worst that can happen if I do, given that I am ready for a negative response? Is it pride I should be concerned about or another broken heart?
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