The Classic Love Triangle...

[aCuore]

I've found myself in quite the predicament. So, there was this gentleman I've known for going on ten years now - I've always had a crush on him and as the years have gone on, we've always had a tender, very special relationship with one another. No one could really add up to him and I found myself comparing other men to him as I got older. Finally, we started dating - after we went through school, grew up a bit and matured - and eventually became engaged. It wasn't really a surprise to either of our families. However, eight months ago, he became very stressed due to his job and took it out on me. I remained patient for weeks and we tried to talk it out but eventually, he exploded and he ended up breaking off our engagement - via text message.

 

Naturally, this broke me down quite a bit. He cut contact completely, and I tried to move on. Against my better judgement, a few months after, I got together with some seemingly perfect guy. Super empathetic, very in tune with my emotions, understood me better than most people did, and unlike my ex, seemed to have better pathway for conversation and was more honest with his emotions. However, when he and I became intimate, it felt wrong. Granted, I have a history of sexual abuse, so physical intimacy is always a struggle, so I chalked it up to that.

 

I recently contacted my ex-fiance, trying to make peace with myself and wish him a better life. When I got a hold of him, he completely fell apart. The relationships he tried established failed horribly. He spent his leave mostly alone and being reflective and he openly began to cry - something in ten years, I'd never seen him do. He wants me back, but I'm completely unsure. I have so many questions - like why did he leave so abruptly? Was it someone else that didn't just work out? What stops this from becoming like it was? Is he just missing me because he's lonely? Would another chance be worth it?

 

What makes this all the more difficult is my current boyfriend: the sweet, compassionate, always considerate hyper-understanding man who has ultimately become my best friend. I think this would be easier to deal with if I could see my ex-fiance, but he just deployed. Now, I'm stuck with what I should do. Stay with my current boyfriend? Leave him for my ex, who I admittedly not over? Or throw in the towel on both?

[mhowe]

It would appear your fiance left you for someone else and it crashed and burned. How could you ever trust him again?

 

Notice he didn't.reach out to you either. But capitalized on you reaching out.to him with crocodile tears of...loneliness. I don't know about you, but if my fiance dropped me like a hot rock it would take way more than tears and missing me to even speak with him again.

[dias]

Your ex seems lonely and bored.It doesn't sound a good idea to get back to him but it's your call apparently. Why leave your current bf if there is no reason ?

[JustWishing]

Stay with your current boyfriend, most likely the sex will get better with time.

 

Your Ex is not reliable and in no position to be a good partner. If he knows you have a boyfriend, he might even do this on purpose to see how far you would take it with him, but in the end it will not work out.

[ParisPaulette]

I vote throw in the towel on both and get some therapy to deal with your past history of sexual abuse and intimacy issues.

 

First, you missed the part where your ex cried about other relationships not working out. That's why he left you abruptly via text and notice he did not tell you why he left, like someone who behaved like a sh** would if they truly were sorry. He simply wailed about how terrible life had been for him then made demands you immediately forgive him and let him back into your life. No "I'm sorry, I know I was terrible to you," no confessions about why he did it. Just an "Oh, life has been sooooo bad to me, sob, sob. Please take me back with no reassurances I've done anything to not ever do that to you again."

 

I would take such a giant pass on this. But also maybe it's time to let the terrific guy you're with go to find someone who will love him enough to not let an ex who treated her badly have front and center spotlight. I think your BF deserves more than that and I know if I were in your shoes I would have told dear old ex to F off. Actually it would never have come up, because I wouldn't have contacted him the first place since I'd have been done before I took up with someone else.

 

The fact is you admit you aren't over the ex and you have not healed your own self-esteem enough to have stopped his blubbering for two seconds to say, "So why the H did you just drop me by text? There was someone else wasn't there" and have the discussion right there and then. And if he couldn't be honest to have told him to have a nice life without you then hung up again. But you didn't, because I suspect you are terrified to find out what those answers are although he already did all but tell you. I also don't see that he really was asking about you or how you'd been or anything beyond demanding you simply take up as if nothing had happened.

 

On top of that you are having problems enjoying sex with your current partner. That may be due in part of sexual abuse or again it may be you leaped into the relationship before you had truly let go of your ex and so it feels wrong simply because you have not moved on. And you know none of that is fair to either your boyfriend or you. Screw the ex-fiance on what's fair though, I can't stand it when people screw one over then cry about how tough it all was for them. Zero sympathy there and you need to stop a mometn about that. Where were his tears for your pain? You're the one who got dumped and hurt--by frigging text nonetheless. Why are you broken up about his pain? What about yours?

 

I get needing time to heal and all, but being dropped by text AND by someone who was going to marry me? Yeah, you need to up your standards seriously if you'd even contemplate giving someone a second chance after doing that with little more than some crying and wailing about life is so tough for them.

 

And counseling or therapy could also help you sort out your past and address issues on your fear of being alone and putting your life together before leapfrogging into one relationship before you've even truly ended the other and accepted that your ex wasn't a nice person to have done that to you.

[catfeeder]

I vote throw in the towel on both and get some therapy to deal with your past history of sexual abuse and intimacy issues.

 

This makes the most sense. Picture yourself trying to trust your ex not to drop you on your arse again--and living an eggshell walk until that happens. Does that sounds appealing to you?

 

Then consider how appealing is it to keep rebound guy tied to you while your unresolved issues need your focus. If you believe that this will get easier over time, it won't--you'll just keep feeling more guilt, which will become a barrier to resolving your private stuff--and this will just keep you locked in glamorizing the ex and feeling lousy about that.

 

Circular stagnation.

 

You can continue to invest in men as a distraction from your fear of flying solo and working out your problems, and nobody can stop you from that choice. It's your love life, and nobody else gets a vote--but you do.

 

Head high.