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He said he has no feelings for me anymore..nor he will ever have. I feel crushed


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My ex and I had been together for 10 months now. Early, he used to spend time with me, we used to talk often, laugh, have fun. He made me his world.

 

After 4 months or so he started getting distant and stopped spending time with me. When I confronted him, he said that he thought I was using him and that his sister said I was using my past as a way to gain sympathy and love ( I had been through an abusive relationship a couple of years ago) He added he didn't fall for all that but due to cultural and religious differences he thought this was the best excuse to push me away.

Drama happened we cried, talked things out and every thing went back to normal for a while.

 

Again he started pulling back, being indifferent, preferring his friends over me. I had no idea why. But he said he was depressed and that I wasn't being supportive by complaining all the time that he wasn't as talkative and loving as before. I often felt hurt and started to get insecure about our relationship and I would get emotional over little things. He explicitly stated that his female friends held precedence over me especially one friend who he says he like a sister because he knows them longer than me. I felt upset and said that I was not his priority. He got all defensive that he didn't mean it like that. "Just because I prefer pizza over pancakes. Doesn't mean I hate pancakes."

 

His blame shifted to me, that I am the reason he was getting indifferent because I wouldn't stop creating drama. His opinion was that I was making a mountain of a mole hill over petty issues. I don't think cancelling our date three times..or not being there for me when I have a bad day was too trivial. However considering that he was feeling overwhelmed and hurt by all the pressure I was seemingly putting on him. I promised I will try to change that.

 

Later he asked for a break, but insisted he wanted to keep talking and hanging out with me. It was really strange that he was more at ease when on a break than otherwise. He stated that my expectations were high in this relationship and he can't keep up with them so he needs space to figure it out. He felt he was becoming numb. But we will be going on date on my birthday and that I was important to him. He still cares for me.

 

My birthday came, he texted me a happy birthday. I asked if he would call. He simply said..no because I will get the wrong idea. I got a bit upset. I asked if the date was still on and he says "Its unlikely that will happen". I panicked and asked I wanted to talk what was going on. But he kept ignoring me the entire evening and went off to play video games. I got furious, I had held resentment from the past few months and I left a voicemail crying that I am tired of his indifference and lack of empathy. I felt unimportant and didn't hold much value in his life. And he doesn't message or talk to me again". At night he responds saying that I am only hurting myself in all this and making him responsible for hurting me. He broke up with me.

 

 

After a few days we talked over the phone. He said he didn't know whether he wanted me in his life anymore. I created too much drama. I should have accepted the fact that he remembered my birthday and texted me. About the date, he said he "became " and forgot about it completely and that he was sorry, he doesn't us spending good time together. "You are not good enough"...that's what he exactly said. He was in fact paranoid and scared of meeting me. We decided to give each other space for a couple of weeks. His friend told how he had taken off a week from work since he was so upset.

 

Later when I talked with my ex again, he stated he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I proposed maybe we should talk things through and spend some time together and see how it goes. He repeated the same thing that he was sorry but he thinks he will never have feelings for me again. Then he said he wasn't good enough for me. Some things in the past turned him off. His reasons were that it was both his and my fault for him losing his feelings. He sarcastically added that I could have a second shot at the relationship if I could reverse time. He wants to be friends though. I told I had still feelings and can't be friends right now. And have gone NC since then.

 

 

I just don't understand what did I do wrong? All I ever asked was to be treated with love and respect and suddenly that is "high expectations". I wanted us back together and work things out. But I guess I hurt him too much and he doesn't love me anymore. How can he just lose feelings, in a couple of weeks and say he can never have them again? I feel guilty and sad. I can't seem to concentrate on anything anymore. Any advice on this situation?

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When one continually creates drama, it exhausts their partner. And especially young men.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun. It is supposed to bring joy, not stress. And expecting g that the infatuation stage lasts forever is a lesson everyone needs to learn.

Edited by mhowe
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My father once told me "Women can't live without a problem, if there isn't one, they create it".

 

As I grew and got older I quickly noticed that above was a human trait, not gender trait. I also noticed that it applied to men MORE than it did to women.

 

But that doesn't mean you are exempt OP.

 

 

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Of course I know the infatuation stage doesn't last. But bailing out on dates and spending most of your time with other female friends is not dating. I never asked to talk everyday or to call me every night. Even the conversations he initiated seemed forced and I pointed that out. I also said repeatedly that if he didn't want to do something or talk, he can just say so. Everyone needs their space. Calling out on his mistakes, isn't drama.

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Cultural differences, religious differences, using your abusive previous relationship for sympathy.

 

These are not small things. Expecting to be his world.

 

Perhaps he simply is too young to want the same depth of relationship you seem to want.

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Well, I hadn't used it for sympathy. He had revealed some incidents from his abusive childhood and he insisted that I tell him why was I so closed off. He wanted to hear the whole story. I trusted him so I told. I didn't expect he will go and share our conversations with his sister-friend.

 

Nor had I asked to be "his world". My idea of a relationship is based on being equals and best friends. I prefer honesty and communication.

But yes perhaps he never wanted the same depth of relationship I wanted.

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Moreover I don't think I posted this to be told whether I am a drama queen or not. I do realize that it takes two to tango and I do know my share of mistakes for which I have apologized to him. It seems here, everyone is quick to take sides.

 

It seems to be like you are easily offended.

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Well, I hadn't used it for sympathy. He had revealed some incidents from his abusive childhood and he insisted that I tell him why was I so closed off. He wanted to hear the whole story. I trusted him so I told. I didn't expect he will go and share our conversations with his sister-friend.

 

Nor had I asked to be "his world". My idea of a relationship is based on being equals and best friends. I prefer honesty and communication.

But yes perhaps he never wanted the same depth of relationship I wanted.

 

Talking about things from childhood only makes those issues stand out more.

 

If you or him were abused, you forget about it and go on with life. I get it, it's horrible, but you are not the only ones....and allowing your past to ruin your future or even talking/thinking about it is NOT healthy. It's the opposite of being "optimistic/positive".

 

So I don't recommend it. It accomplishes nothing.

 

THINGS (insert ANYTHING) are as big of an issue or as little of an issue as we make them!

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That is true and a lesson I learnt this time. Not to ever bring up things from the past. It brings unnecessary troubles and not to mention preconceived notions. I have been trying to change my outlook on life. But is there any hope for things to work out? Or I have ruined things for good this time?

Edited by butterfly110
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That is true and a lesson I learn this time. Not to ever bring up things from the past.

 

And whatever you do, DO NOT play victim when it comes to ANYTHING after your childhood (18+).

 

The second you claim victim, you are essentially telling the person in front of you that you made some horrible/poor decisions in the past. Most people get into a lot of trouble by ignoring clear red flags and ENGAGING/SURROUNDING THEMSELVES with certain type of people. When they become a victim, it's usually a result of their poor decision making.

 

And I'm not talking about a lady walking down the street and getting raped here obviously.......

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That is true and a lesson I learnt this time. Not to ever bring up things from the past. It brings unnecessary troubles and not to mention preconceived notions. I have been trying to change my outlook on life. But is there any hope for things to work out? Or I have ruined things for good this time?

 

Hope? Hope is your imagination, not reality.

 

LISTEN TO HIM. he is telling you he no longer has feelings or wants to be with you correct?

 

Your feelings are irrelevant in this situation. What's relevant is HIS lack of feelings.

 

Ask yourself, do you REALLY want to be with someone that has no feelings for you? If the answer is yes, then you are simply being selfish and just want to satisfy your own emotion/feelings. that will only lead you down the road you DO NOT want to go down.

 

It's time to move on. Cut him off (block him/ignore him) and take 3-6 months to heal and recover. No opposite sex relations during that time. Remember, ANY contact = reset of your healing, so don't do it.

 

Good luck

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Yeah that's why I have started NC to heal. There is no point when someone has lost feelings. Some days, the guilt creeps back in and I felt I could have handled things differently. The what ifs, hows , whys plague my mind. Sometimes, I wonder how can I win back his heart. Sometimes I feel I wasn't worthy enough. Although I wish I could crush that tiny bit of hope inside.

That was enlightening perspective though, that the past reflects poor decision making. I do remember telling him that I was really foolish back when I was young. I had set myself up for all the I went through..ignored all the signs and had prolonged the problem.

Pretty much what I did now, I had a feeling he was losing interest. But my reaction was to cling more. After the incident with his sister friend I had consciously decided never to reveal that much about myself. Best is to learn and move on. Thank you for your advice.

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No problem. Very smart (your post). Self recognition is a HUGE part of adulthood.

 

All of your current feelings are normal, you will be going thru different stages of grief. GIVE IT TIME. Time will heal all the wounds.

 

And to help you heal focus on the following:

- Mind diversions - when thoughts of him come up, divert your mind and think of something peaceful or something you enjoy etc. Practice practice practice. In time, thoughts will disappear as long as they come to your head. Read: you can't control the thoughts that come to your mind, but you CAN control what you do with them. Thoughts of him = garbage can.

- do PLENTY of physical activity on daily basis (running in particular). Sports, walk, take a hike....stay physically active and do it DAILY.

- eat a healthy diet

 

Last 2 go hand in hand with #1. Running for a month or 2 on regular basis/or any physical activity on regular basis will do WONDERS to your mental strength, mental control and state of mind.

 

Good luck

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I'm sorry you're going through this - the pain is, unfortunately, something we cannot control. 

One thing that comes through in your OP is both you and your ex were unhappy in the relationship. You were unhappy with how he treated you, he was unhappy with the drama and feeling like you were asking too much of him. It's something that may not be possible until further down the road (when your emotions are not as much in control), but it's always helpful to rationally evaluate the relationship and consider whether your needs were being met, whether the two of you were actually compatible, and whether you'd want to have to be constantly asking someone for the attention you feel you deserve for the rest of your life.

Something that's really hit home for me during the healing process is that we cannot force others to act a certain way and you cannot make someone love you. This isn't only the case after the relationship has ended, but also is the case in the relationship itself. Just be your best self and the right person will treat you the way you want and deserve.

If you are demanding someone to act a certain way, it is likely out of fear and neediness - your fear that their lack of affection is a prelude to them leaving, and your need to receive signs of their love in order to be happy. Optimally, we should all be happy with our selves with the additional person's presence as a bonus. Alternatively (to reacting out of fear and neediness - though it's nothing to be ashamed of, those are emotions will all have to struggle you overcome) if you're demanding a person to act a certain way, it may mean they're the wrong person for you because they don't have the capacity to fulfill your needs.

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Sometimes relationships are like shoes. Just because your size 8 foot fits in a size 15 boot, it doesnt mean its the best one for you. Like wise if you cram your size 8 foot in a size 6, it doesnt mean you and the shoes were meant to be. In fact you can have a pair of shoes that look great, but you cant wear them for more than a few hours until you have to kick them off your feet. 

Finding the right guy is a lot like finding the right pair of shoes for you. It takes two people to make a relationship work and he just didnt want to be in a relationship with you anymore. There doesnt even have to be a valid or good reason, for it to end. Just dont want to be in one is sometimes all it takes. 

Doesnt mean you didnt do anything wrong, Doesnt mean you could of done anything to change the course of what would of happened. You were not his fit. You were meant to be with someone else. 

So please dont give it a second thought or ask why it ended or how he could lose feelings to quickly or easily. He just didnt want to be with you anymore. This is the best thing that could happen to you. You have room in your life and in your heart for someone better. You also have your absolution and you dont have to wonder or worry if he is going to call you or knock on your door. This is huge to know that its over. Lots of people on here question and wonder and hope their Xs return. Yours said he will not be back. This is a good thing. 

It might not seem like it now, but this is a good thing. Now you can look forward to the future and not keep looking behind you to see if he is still there. Look forward and move forward. Your right shoe will come. 

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