SarahinDC Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Hi everyone – looking for some advice and tough love. I started seeing a guy in January. I was instantly attracted to him and really felt a connection, but it’s been a tough road.. we saw each other 1-2x/week for a few months but then that dwindled down due to his new job, time constraints, etc. Flash forward to May and he told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship in general, but could eventually see one with me. It was hard for me to just let it go given the strong connection I felt so we continued waffling and saw each other once every 2 weeks or so. Flash forward again to September and he told me doesn’t think we should see each other anymore. He told me he felt a connection unlike any other that he’s had but he thinks something is “missing”, whatever that is he can’t identify. He also told me that he had never been in a serious relationship (or a relationship in general for that matter), which I then said that maybe that was part of the problem. Essentially we “broke up” and I didn’t expect to hear from him again. Since that conversation, he has reached out several times and we did end up getting together a few weeks ago – at which point he told me he really missed me but is still confused. I hate being in this grey area but I’m finding it hard to let it go. But at the same time, he hasn’t given me any reason to believe things are different. I’m getting frustrated that I feel like we’re back to where we before, but I crave being with him all the time. I think I’m in love with him but I do feel like my head and heart are conflicted because I recognize he could be treating me better. Last week I decided to finally have a conversation with him about what was going on, and he again told me that he still thinks something is missing (he went as far to say he feels that he's 98% there but there's 2% that's missing) but that he feels like it's more of committment issues on his end but I can tell her doesn't want to let me go yet. I can sense he feels something genuine for me, but he clearly has a wall he can't break down. We decided to go our separate ways once and for all; and I told him if he got his together to reach out to me. Well since that conversation, we only went a few days apart before he texted me saying he missed me, and then we ended up grabbing drinks together. We didn't really talk about things and he still sounds confused, but we clearly can't stay away from each other. Not sure what the next move will be. Thoughts/advice on what I should do? Should I put my foot down once and for all & ignore him; or is it worth any more of my time to see if something could happen?
ThatwasThen Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Last week I decided to finally have a conversation with him about what was going on, and he again told me that he still thinks something is missing (he went as far to say he feels that he's 98% there but there's 2% that's missing) but that he feels like it's more of committment issues on his end but I can tell her doesn't want to let me go yet. Are you having sex with him while he's still trying to search out that 2% and only seeing you once a month or less?
Blue_Skirt Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Are you having sex with him while he's still trying to search out that 2% and only seeing you once a month or less? Do not have sex with him while he is sorting out his 2%. Then you’ll find out soon enough whether he is interested in having in relationship with you or whether he is just interested in “50 shades of grey” to stay with the title of your post.
mhowe Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 If you are having sex...he isn't confused. He just doesn't want a relationship. And why should he. He gets the benefits without the commitment t...any time he calls. Suggest you put a higher value on yourself.
SarahinDC Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 I see him now once every week or 2 weeks. And yes he's single, he also confirmed the last time I saw him (this past weekend) that there is no one else. And yes, I am sleeping with him
notalady Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 So you wasted almost a year on a guy waffling about and "confused". How much more time would you like to waste on the same thing? Sorry if someone doesn't know within a few months that they want to have a serious relationship with you, it will likely never happen. It's not that hard. This guy clearly isn't that into you but enjoys the sex and the company that you offer, on a casual basis (once or twice a couple weeks to a month), that's the perfect intensity for him. Not surprised at all that he misses that when its gone but at the same time unwilling to offer more. He's not looking for anything serious, with you. I wouldn't hold my breath for him to figure out some arbitrary "missing 2%" which frankly sounds like something he pulled out of his ass. I suggest moving on and also cutting off all contact, since you seem to go back to him whenever he contacts you again.
missmarple Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I see him now once every week or 2 weeks. And yes he's single, he also confirmed the last time I saw him (this past weekend) that there is no one else. And yes, I am sleeping with him 'Confirming' there's no one else doesn't mean much when you only see someone once a week or 2 weeks. I could be wrong but it sounds to me like he's dating someone else, too. Either that or he's only in it for the sex.
melancholic_too Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I see him now once every week or 2 weeks. And yes he's single, he also confirmed the last time I saw him (this past weekend) that there is no one else. And yes, I am sleeping with him My ex did this... he was fading away, keeping me on the side, throwing me breadcrumbs, whatever you want to call it. I saw him every couple of weeks or so. I hung on to his lies and believed him... kept sleeping with him like an idiot. The whole time... he was dating a coworker. He always reassured me there was nobody else. He went as far as lying to our mutual friends about it to make sure I believe it. Oh he even met my parents who visited from overseas - yet, he was dating a coworker!! My point is - he can tell you he's "single" (actually, if he says he's single that means he's not with you either and free to do as he pleases at any time). He can tell you whatever, but if you keep giving him what he wants he has no reason to commit to you. Hard lesson learned for me. Go NC, delete and block his number, block his social media and let him go. I promise it will get easier.
j.man Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 It takes two to tango. He doesn't have to let you go. He's not going to take charge of your feelings and push you out the door for your own good. He has told you repeatedly that he feels like something and missing and that he doesn't want to be committed to you. He gets sex and intimacy without the commitment. If you don't mind the same, then by all means keep seeing him. If you don't want that, then it is your responsibility to up and leave it.
SarahinDC Posted November 17, 2015 Author Posted November 17, 2015 He's not dating someone else. I specifically asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. He's not one to lie. But it still doesn't take away from the bigger situation at hand.
mhowe Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 We teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that you will accept casual sex at his whim. Was that your intention?
Blue_Skirt Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 He's not dating someone else - I am sure of that. But it doesn't take away from the bigger situation at hand. What do YOU want? That is the real question.
Rosie3 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 This sounds exactly like what I have been going through the past year. Except He told me he didn't want a relationship because he recently got out of a long term relationship. But I know what you mean, I felt this connection to him and I think i was in love. And whenever I tried to go no contact he would say he missed he and we seemed to not be able to stay away from each other. So now I'm going to tell you what other posters and my best friend said to me. At this point he would know if he wanted to be a relationship in with you. It's hard and I felt the same way you did. But if you are unhappy with the situation then you need to stop all contact and block his number so you don't go back to him.
notalady Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 ] Lol sorry someone had to do it! Seriously OP, don't worry about what he wants, what do you want, and is he providing that? If not, move on. There are plenty of guys out there who will.
HeartGoesOn Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Obviously you're not on the same page. You're looking for a relationship, and he's receiving free benefits without as much as having to pay for a cup of coffee, so to speak. You can do better...
reinventmyself Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 He's feeding you just enough, but not too much to keep you hooked and it's convenient. Why does he do this? Because it works for him, that's why. And you allow it. Like others have said. . get clear on what YOU want. Giving him all the power to decide on the terms is never a good idea.
DancingFool Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 There is nothing at all grey or confusing about your situation. He already told you in plain English that he is not that into you. However, he will take the casual sex until something better comes along. To put it another way, that red hot attraction that you feel is completely one sided and he will not be the first or last guy to boing a girl he is not that into just for the sake of getting laid. The whole malarkey about the 2% is simply bs to keep you around. He KNOWS he doesn't see anything serious with you and since you've let him treat you like that, his opinion of you is really just along the lines of "easy dumb chic". Sorry I'm being harsh, but you really need to snap out of this asap and show him the door for good. He is not your prince charming, just prince charm your panties off when he feels like.
shellyf62 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I see him now once every week or 2 weeks. And yes he's single, he also confirmed the last time I saw him (this past weekend) that there is no one else. And yes, I am sleeping with him Its called a booty call!! He knows exactly what he wants, sex with no strings attached, and he is getting it.
melancholic_too Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 He's not dating someone else. I specifically asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. He's not one to lie. But it still doesn't take away from the bigger situation at hand. Yea, because I knew my ex was lying to me. Everyone was sure there was nobody else. I asked him 100 times and he always assured me no, that he was focused on work. Maybe he's not seeing someone else, yet. But he is NOT committed to you and therefore free to see someone else. So if he decides he is ready to get into a relationship with someone else don't be surprised. You're accepting his behavior. Gosh I don't wish the months of agony I went through on anyone. I don't wish the slap in the face when you wake up on anyone. So you need to decide what YOU want. Do you want to be in limbo, with a non committal man who only uses you for casual sex? Or do you want to be free, to find someone who actually cares about you? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
ParisPaulette Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 There's no grey here at all. It's pretty black and white. He is very open about not wanting to commit to you and is saying just enough of the right things to keep you agreeing to meet him and give him sex. That's not a relationship, it's friends with benefits and he's not being honest. I rolled my eyes over the whole 80-20 percent line. That makes about as much sense as "I'm 80 percent sure I'm pregnant, but there's a 20 percent chance I'm not." You're being played my dear.
SarahinDC Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 First of all - thank you everyone for responding. It's incredibly helpful to get your guys' input, as harsh as it can be, haha. As far as the question of what I want.. ultimately I want a relationship. And I think I want it with him, but all of this back and forth has obviously got me questioning things. So now I'm even more confused but I think you guys are right and I need to take a cold hard look at what type of future I have with someone like this. I know you guys are saying he's not that into me - which is pretty rough to hear - but I do think he's genuine when he said that he never felt a connection like the one he did for me. Regardless, I agree that he still believes there is something better out there. And honestly, I feel like a big part of this is that he's NEVER been in a relationship, and he's got major commitment issues. Anyway, I am trying to figure out next steps because right now I don't even know where my head is at anymore. Oy...
Helpexpressme Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Saying 98% is good, but 2% is missing is crap. If 98% is good but 2% is missing, then wouldn't you say that 98% is worth it and to forget about the other 2% as no-one is perfect? Sounds like a bunch of excuses to me, and I bet if you stop sleeping with him, your 98% good will turn into 98% bad, and your 2% missing, will turn into 98% missing.
Rosie3 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Even if what he said to you is genuine, he still doesn't want a relationship and you do. You are both on completely different pages. I think you need to stop contact with him. Don't text back if he says he misses you. He needs time time to sort out his commitment issues.
Batya33 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 First of all - thank you everyone for responding. It's incredibly helpful to get your guys' input, as harsh as it can be, haha. As far as the question of what I want.. ultimately I want a relationship. And I think I want it with him, but all of this back and forth has obviously got me questioning things. So now I'm even more confused but I think you guys are right and I need to take a cold hard look at what type of future I have with someone like this. I know you guys are saying he's not that into me - which is pretty rough to hear - but I do think he's genuine when he said that he never felt a connection like the one he did for me. Regardless, I agree that he still believes there is something better out there. And honestly, I feel like a big part of this is that he's NEVER been in a relationship, and he's got major commitment issues. Anyway, I am trying to figure out next steps because right now I don't even know where my head is at anymore. Oy... Sweet words and let's assume they are sincere -oh and of course he uses "connection" because that's just so...in vogue and deep too. Watch the feet -what he does -not the lips. He might feel a connection but his actions are to disconnect when it comes to all the important stuff. It doesn't matter that he's never been in a relationship. I knew how to commit when I was 15 and met my high school sweetheart -so did he (he was 16 -woo hoo!). Most people don't have commitment issues they simply have the issue that they are not interested in a relationship with that particular person. And think about it -if he feels such a magical connection to you and has commitment issues -wouldn't he want to do what's best and stop having intercourse with you unless and until he resolves those "issues?"
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