Shot, Betrayed... How to handle.

[Lasus83]

Good Afternoon and thanks in advance for any feedback/advice,

 

It is a long story but I will try and be as succinct as possible:

 

The events of this story take place a year ago.

 

The background: I witnessed abuse from an early age. When I was 6 or 7, I realized that my father was beating my mother. I don't remember the exact series of events since I was so young. I remember finding a video she made for the police where she told the story and I watched it. I remember her, with a black eye, taking my sister and I from our home, in a panic. I remember her having that black eye as we ran. I remember her taking us back home and trying to 'mend' the relationship. I remember hiding under the bed and being offered a toy truck, by my father, as some kind of way to 'win me back'. He sat it beside the bed, as I hid, and left the room. I remember being afraid. I remember the truck was a black semi with Dale Earnhardt on the side. Only flashes of memories. The thing I remember the most was being too small to do anything. Wanting to protect my mother. Being ashamed for being afraid.

 

None of the aforementioned is to elicit sympathy. We all go through bad stuff sometimes. Find me a child who had a 100% happy life and I'll find you someone who lived in a bubble. Other than that, I had a fairly happy childhood. I did, however, grow up with a "tick"... I cannot stomach violence towards women. I mean, I lose it. There was one point in school where my sister was hit by a bigger boy and she began crying. I was there. I knelt down and asked her if she was ok. Through tears she replied that she was fine. I rose to my feet and saw red. Literally. I didn't know that "seeing red" was anything more than a figure of speech, but I saw it. I broke that boys jaw that day... and I cried after doing it. He was out of school for a long time... and he was a friend of mine at that time. He didn't mean to hit her.

 

Flash forward 20 years. My mother and father have been together for 35 years. I've got a child of my own. I'm 31. I've gone through a divorce, many relationships and am engaged again. I have a good job, a fiancé whom I love and a good relationship with my family. I go golfing every other week with my father. I spend weekends at my parents house grilling and watching our football team (win or lose). The events of the past are simply that... in the past. Forgiven but not forgotten. The "dark", never mentioned, side of the family.

 

Before I explain the “incident”, there was one additional "event" that bears worth mentioning. A couple weeks before "the incident", I was out at a parts store and called my father to ask a question. My daughter was there with him. Over the phone, I could hear her being "annoying" to him... much as a 5 year old does. I heard him get angry with her and spank her while I was on the phone. I hung up, went back to the house... by the time I got there, he was sitting down, she was playing and my anger had lessened (something I am ashamed of, honestly). I told him that he is never to lay a hand on her again. He mumbled some profanity and went upstairs. I collected my daughter and left.

 

The "incident":

As we sometimes did, the family decided to go to a football game. It's always a big family affair. There's 9 of us going... all packed in a van. We tailgate from 9am until noon... playing games, getting our faces painted and heckling opposing fans. We go in the stadium and watch a hard fought game. All the while, putting back the beers. In the end, our team wins and we head for the van. Some of us, including me, are inebriated. But, it's a football game, we've got the DD and it's all in good fun.

 

Once we get back to the house, we say our farewells and I get into my car to go home. I'm in the passenger seat since my fiancé is driving (I've had too many). She takes a while getting to the car. She forgot something in the house, or some such thing, and I'm waiting. When she comes out, she has tears in her eyes. She puts the key in the ignition and backs out of the driveway. I ask, "what's wrong, honey"? She replies, "nothing". I insist she tells me but she is not forthcoming with the information. I know that something is badly wrong... something in my gut. So, when she gets to the end of the cul-de-sac, I put the car in park, take the keys out of the ignition and throw them out the window into the grass. I tell her that she needs to tell me what is going on and that we are not leaving until she does.

 

She tells me that my father grabbed her and manhandled her... I flashback to my sister being hit by the boy... to my mother with her blackened eye... To a promise that I've made to myself that it would never happen again. That I wouldn't be that afraid boy anymore…. My tick. I get out of the car and walk back to the house. Once I get to the side door, I go to open it but it's locked. By this time, any intoxication is gone. Adrenaline is pumping and my mindset is of clear determination... calculated direction. My key to the house is back in the grass and it’s too late to go back now. The door has one of those multiple-small pained glass’ in the middle. So, I decide to break one of the smaller pieces of glass to get to the lock... to get in after my father. I am cognizant, though, that the glass could cut me. So I hit it with the back of my fist... nothing. I give it an elbow... nothing. I rear back and give it a haymaker. That does the trick... turns out, it was one big glass unit. My mother is standing there... panicked... telling me to wait, that she would open the door. I feel bad that I have scared her but I am undeterred. I reach in, unlock the door and go into the den. No one is there. I turn to go back up the stairs and see my father standing there looking outside of the door that I just came in. I put my hand on his shoulder, turn him towards me and pin him up against the wall.... and the next thing I know, I'm on the ground.

 

I've been shot.

 

From what I've learned, he and my uncle were "having it out" all day. When my uncle left, they argued and my father told him that if he came back that he'd "have a .38 ready for him". When he heard me coming in the door, he went upstairs to grab his .38. He came downstairs, was turned by me, saw me and pulled the trigger. He, admittedly, knew it was me, went upstairs to grab the gun and pulled the trigger on me.

 

Police and ambulance arrive and I go to the emergency room. I'm shot through the leg. Honestly, being shot may not be in the top-10 of pains I've ever felt. Stubbing your toe on the coffee table is much worse. Maybe it's because it went straight through my thigh and came out the back without hitting bone or artery. Maybe it is because it happened so fast.

 

My mother comes to the ICU... she is blaming me for the incident. I hear some time later, on a recorded 911 call, her doing the same. I feel betrayed. Here is the man who once beat her, has hit my daughter in anger and laid hands on my fiancé. The man who went upstairs to get a gun to shoot his son... and then did so. Here is the man she is defending. Telling me to take blame. Telling 911 that he is blame-less.

 

Police determine that no charges should be filed. However, the DA later determined that either I or he (my father)should be charged (it's a small town) with something so he (the DA) gives me a choice. Accept charges of trespassing and damage to property... misdemeanors... or he will peruse assault/intent to kill charges on my father. Basically, telling me to take a slap on the wrist or send my father to jail for the rest of his natural life, potentially.

 

I accept the charge.

 

A year later. My mother wants back in my life. My wife and I now have a 1 month old she wants to see. She begs me to forgive her. She makes no mention of my unrepentant father except to say that he lives life as if nothing has happened. Other accounts say that he is greatly affected and that she has lost her mind.

 

I have not spoken to them in over a year. I have forgiven the incident but not forgotten. In my mind, they are dead to me. However, time has a way of changing things.

 

I have two forces weighing on me... two thoughts... hence the post and the question.

 

1. Do I allow her, and potentially one day my father, back into my life? If so, how?

2. Do I continue to live my life without them.

 

On the one hand, "Adversity, like a strong wind, strips from us all that is not firmly rooted"... strenuous events show our true character. When the "chips are down", my mother will not be there for me and, worse, my father will pull the trigger. As a father of 2, I would sooner shoot myself than allow harm to come to my daughters. Even if they were coming at me with a knife, I would not harm them.

 

On the other, I have no desire to hurt my parents... despite the events. Hence the reason I took the charge. I have no desire to put him in prison. I have no desire to hurt my mother, either.

 

I do not know what to do...

 

Honestly, my 6-month-ago self, would be disappointed in this decision. Disappointed in my lack of resolution to "forgive and move on"... but to move on without them as a part of my life... or the lives of my children.

[mhowe]

I vote for 2. You have added another child to the mix.

 

I would also vote for therapy so that you stop heading to the red zone.

[Heather Dawn]

Wow.

 

I think you keep moving forward, and do NOT let these people back in your life. Your mother is no better than your father, and should be held every bit as accountable. You now have two children and a wife to keep safe. If you choose to let your parents back into their lives, then you're every bit as culpable should your father do something to them.

 

Your father beat your mother, hit your daughter and shot you. On top of that, your mother continues to take his side.

 

Cut your losses, get into therapy to work on the emotional baggage, and focus on your own family now - they're what matter.

[Lasus83]

Thanks for the feedback thus far,

 

The thread was mainly to do a self-check. My resolve waivers and I suspect my mother (who was typically kind, reserved and loving) to be suffering from a type of Stockholm syndrome. Her persistant, self-effacing, begging for reconnection weighs on me. My extended family also pleads for a reconnection... After enough beseechment, you begin to question your position.

 

As to the therapy... I don't do therapy. I am not an emotional person and I'm not carrying unknown baggage. It's not some kind of subconscious deamons I'm facing. I'm very aware of my baggage. I understand how it has effected my paradigm. And, in some ways, I'm thankful for it. They say "the best way to not make bad decissions is through wisdom. The best way to gain wisdom is by making bad decissions". Also, If I had to choose a "tick", it would be one in defense of women. I have no desire to eleminate this trait. I am, maybe unfortunately, described as un-emotional. I never get too high or too low. I prefer "even keeled". If there is an attack on the women I love, I enjoy the thought that I will not be hampered by fear or placidity. As I said, it was not unbridaled anger that I went back to the house with... it was a surreal clarity... calculated direction. I was aware enough to know better than to hurt myself on broken glass.

 

Thanks again for the feedback.

[ParisPaulette]

I am going to tell you option 2 after telling your mother that when she and your father have been to therapy and sorted out their abuse and assaultive issues towards each other, you and your family there can be reconciliation. And not until then.

 

Then go see a therapist to get some healing in, because that is just a horrific thing you've been through. And you do know your mother sooner or later will want the kids around your father and he's dangerous. He shot you, his son, when he should have been begging forgiveness to both you and your fiancee. I would be on the floor devastated and crawling if I had done one-tenth of what he did to you. And your mother is caught entirely in the cycle of abuse (this is a real thing, looking it up might give you some explanations) with your father.

 

They both need therapy before they should be allowed near any child let alone anyone else. And you need some therapy to help you move on and learn to deal with it, because that's a pretty awful thing to have to go through.

 

I'm sorry, remember we do not get to choose the family we are born into. But we do get to choose the family we make when we are adults and sometimes the best way to do that is to form your own family, love them, and protect them even yes against other family if it comes to that.

 

I worked in a women's shelter 16 years and have two friends who went through horrific abuse at the hands of their parents. In every case staying connected to an abuser and those who protect an abuser only brought more grief and strife. Your parents just need so much therapy and the first step of that would be to admit they have a problem, each of them, and that they were at fault for what happened. Until that day comes, if it ever does, all you can do is tell them you love them but you will no longer let violence like that be a part of you and your family's life. And until you see they are both getting help for that they will need to stay away.

 

When it comes to therapy for you this would probably be more about finding peace for what happened, maybe? You sound like my friends who have made more of their lives because of what they went through, not followed in their parents footsteps. And that is commendable. But we can all use healing from traumatic events and getting shot by anyone, let alone the parent who is supposed to protect and love your family is trauma. It's just a suggestion, I know not everyone will be in for therapy. But as to letting them into your children's and your family's life, I do vote no.

[melancholy123]

I vote for #2 and suggest therapy for the reasons ParisPaulette said.

[Lasus83]

I am going to tell you option 2 after telling your mother that when she and your father have been to therapy and sorted out their abuse and assaultive issues towards each other, you and your family there can be reconciliation. And not until then.

 

Then go see a therapist to get some healing in, because that is just a horrific thing you've been through. And you do know your mother sooner or later will want the kids around your father and he's dangerous. He shot you, his son, when he should have been begging forgiveness to both you and your fiancee. I would be on the floor devastated and crawling if I had done one-tenth of what he did to you. And your mother is caught entirely in the cycle of abuse (this is a real thing, looking it up might give you some explanations) with your father.

 

They both need therapy before they should be allowed near any child let alone anyone else. And you need some therapy to help you move on and learn to deal with it, because that's a pretty awful thing to have to go through.

 

I'm sorry, remember we do not get to choose the family we are born into. But we do get to choose the family we make when we are adults and sometimes the best way to do that is to form your own family, love them, and protect them even yes against other family if it comes to that.

 

I worked in a women's shelter 16 years and have two friends who went through horrific abuse at the hands of their parents. In every case staying connected to an abuser and those who protect an abuser only brought more grief and strife. Your parents just need so much therapy and the first step of that would be to admit they have a problem, each of them, and that they were at fault for what happened. Until that day comes, if it ever does, all you can do is tell them you love them but you will no longer let violence like that be a part of you and your family's life. And until you see they are both getting help for that they will need to stay away.

 

When it comes to therapy for you this would probably be more about finding peace for what happened, maybe? You sound like my friends who have made more of their lives because of what they went through, not followed in their parents footsteps. And that is commendable. But we can all use healing from traumatic events and getting shot by anyone, let alone the parent who is supposed to protect and love your family is trauma. It's just a suggestion, I know not everyone will be in for therapy. But as to letting them into your children's and your family's life, I do vote no.

 

Thanks for the feedback,

 

Just to clarify:

 

Are you saying that I should let my mother (or father or both) back into my (and, thus, my families) life contingent upon seeing a psychiatrist? If so, for how long? Under what conditions?

 

Or, are you saying that you would vote "no" to letting them back in at all?

 

I'm not trying to be difficult, if I come off that way. Obviously, I would prefer none of this had ever happened. I suppose I'm just using this as a method of verbalizing and sorting through the in's and outs of the situation.

 

I've read some forum's online where mothers were abusive (in many ways) over the life of a person. Really, the only reason for this thread was that when I think back on memories of my mother, I remember a lifetime of kindness and then betrayal at the moment when it mattered most. I did not suffer from her in my childhood. How much do we weigh individual actions over the life of a person? Where do we draw the line at? A gun shot? A rape? Beatings? Where does the line become grey?

 

Reminds me of a story/situation from a phelosophy movie called "After the Dark":

You’re hanging off the highest tower in Jakarta, it’s a thousand foot, you’ll drop to your death, so you call your three best friends for help. They rush out to save you, but they’re afraid if they try to pull you up, they might be janked over themselves so they step back. You fall. And live. But do you wish that you’d never tested your friends in the first place? Since now you know you can't trust them when it’s a matter of life or death. Would it have been better if you had stayed ignorant to what they’re truly good for and gone on being friends forever. ?

[ParisPaulette]

I can only tell you what I would do, but for me it would be at least a year in then personal apologies to my wife and children followed by amends from both of them. Preferably a letter to the District Attorney confessing what really happened that day. And if they incur the wrath of law enforcement, so be it.

 

That would be a start.

 

Where I personally draw the line is that anyone who has hurt me is never someone I will trust around my children or anyone else I love either. Your father has been violent to you, your wife and your child. And your mother took his side. How could you trust him not to do something in the future to you or your wife or your children and not have your mother try to stop him or save any one of you if he should go off the deep end? Answer, you can't.

 

Your mother is a danger to the degree she will not ever check your father from his violent behavior and will in fact lie about the circumstances. Such people are why police always respond in pairs to domestic violence calls. More than once it is the partner who is being beaten that attacks an officer trying to make an arrest. It happened to my uncle. They responded to a call, the woman was on old classmate and friend of his. He came in to talk to her, calm her down, and then went to arrest her boyfriend who had blackened both her eyes and cracked a rib or two. She repaid my uncle's help by plunging an exacto knife into his arm as he reached to grab her boyfriend and had my uncle's partner not walked back in the room the two of them, her and her boyfriend, would possibly have killed my uncle as they jumped him. Needless to say my uncle was not happy about my career choice of working in a women's shelter, but yeah. And it nearly escalated to that a few times while I did work there.

 

I would just feel it was too high a risk to trust my own parents. I mean, your father shot you and they let you take the blame for that legally. I know it's hard, because people outside of it all who really haven't got that much to lose, like a life, are able to play armchair quarterback from the comfort of never having experienced such things. You don't really have that luxury. For the record, I have three sons and we've gotten into disagreements before. I could never shoot them, even if one of them threatened my life. I would probably choose death first. It's not a little thing what happened. They are your parents, but it does not make what happened less wrong or less of a threat than if these were total strangers or just friends who had done that.

 

Or you could simply go NC and disconnect altogether and leave it at that. I feel for your mother, I really do, but she chose her husband over her other family and it sounds like she is still doing so. What happens if there's an upset in the future? I would simply consider it too high of a risk to gamble on if your father and mother both have not addressed what happened and the underlying causes for the entire event.

 

Also take into account how you react under such circumstances. You already know you would be prone to escalate yourself in their defense and what if something were to happen and you ended up in jail over it? That would be on your family, not you. Please factor in your own reactions as well. You would not be able to simply calmly gather everyone and get them to safety if your father attacked your wife or children, you know this, that is an added risk. Think about it.