AliB Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 We've been together for about 2.5 years. I'm 31, he's 26. He's trying to save up for the career that he wants, so he lives at home (rent-free) with his parents & works a full-time gig as his base. All of his money goes towards his career gear (composing). His parents' dysfunctional relationship, however, has affected the way he behaves with me and our relationship. We've gone through several valleys that made us on & off several times, but everything seemed to be going okay the past couple months and we've actually been talking about future plans. However, the enmeshment he shares with his mother and the anger he holds toward his father is what scares me. His dad lives in the basement, bf lives upstairs with mama. She doesn't work but does the cooking, dad is the bread-winner & takes care of the house - however, years back, he put the family into bankruptcy and now they are in loads of debt but he has a good paying job. There is always a weird dynamic between mom/dad but I have gotten somewhat used to it. Still, I try to maintain my distance from his family, but his mother latches on to me to complain about the father quite often (who never can seem to do anything right)... My bf also comes to me to complain. I hear story after story about crappy home situation, his crappy job, how he feels like he's never going to live out his dreams, etc. While this stirs up a lot of drama, I try to be as supportive as I can & focus on myself mostly to keep from getting too into the weeds. But this past weekend, I got stuck in the weeds. I had helped my bf get a job interview through referral from a friend for a small family-owned company. They invited me to attend the interview since I know the two ladies who run the place.. I thought it was a little weird, but BF was okay with me coming. Needless to say, it didn't seem like a good fit. We were discussing some of the pros and cons about him taking the job, but then he escalated the conversation. Suddenly, he's griping about how he feels worthless, and is mad at me for "setting up an interview at a place that will pay him the same and where he'll be worse off." As if I had intentionally tried to make him worse off?! I have interviewed people before, so while I was trying to communicate the interviewers point of view, but he interpreted it as me telling him to take the job. Regardless, his argument wasn't making sense and he projected a load of junk onto me that made me feel horrible. This has happened the last three times I've helped him job-search... So I told him I'm not going to help him anymore and he's welcome to stay at his job that he hates. I also told him to never ever speak to me with such disrespect again. We got to his house right after that, and we were supposed to go out with his parents for his mom's birthday. His mom cheerfully greeted him at the door, and he raged, "MOM, NOT NOW!!!!" He bickered some more about how he deserves to be paid $20 and not $13. However, he does not show the skill sets to even deserve $20, but he doesn't like to hear that... nor does he like having to work up to it. After some time, he cooled off and we were on our way. But I was rattled inside, filled with anxiety, anger, and frustration. In the car, his dad started suggesting the same exact things I was suggesting to him about the job, about how he can gain experience, etc. He didn't pick a fight with him though. We had a nice day trip, but then it got dark and we needed to drive home. My bf offered to drive home because his dad's glasses give him double vision. However, their ancient car's defroster does not work, so the window kept fogging up and we had about 1 1/2 hour to drive home. This angered my bf, and he just BLEW HIS LID while driving saying "DAMMIT I told you dad to fix the car and that this was happening and it's still not fixed." He was slamming his hands on the steering wheel while he chewed out his dad, and this carried on for about 20 minutes before we stopped at a gas station to fill up. His dad had little reaction, except telling him to calm down. His dad got out to get gas and offered to check the defroster, but both BF and his mom screamed "NO!!!! IT DOESN'T WORK, WE TOLD YOU!!!" Inside the car, bf and his mom start conspiring about how irresponsible the dad is, saying he has a death wish, he has bad energy... then his mom turned around to say to me, "Isn't that right?" I was already shocked just trying to process all of this and mumbled out, "riiiiiight...." BF then went into a rant about how he's not going anywhere in his life anytime quickly with his crap job, how he's worthless, a failure, etc. His mom coddled him saying "No don't think those things honey..." We proceeded to drive home with the windows down. I got home, frozen, freaked out, and seriously questioning what just happened. I got a text from BF that night saying he's so sorry I had to go through that. My first text to him was "thanks for having our safety in mind." But then I texted him some really direct pieces of my mind. Basically told him how I don't appreciate his mom trying to pull me into the madness. Also I said that there are 3 capable people in the household who use the car equally, therefore, they are all equally responsible for fixing the car. Third, I told him that temper tantrums aren't acceptable, and nobody should suffer from his raging just because of the choices he made in his life that have led him to this point. I also wrote that I'm tired of hearing what a bad person his dad is and how they paint him as the loser of the family. BF does not contribute any money to the household, he cleans dishes once in a while, and cleans the bathroom when he's told. Mom fixes meals for both the guys and has an eating disorder, so she sits there and watches them eat it. He's really not a raging person but is very gentle and kind and sweet. But he is pretty depressed. I know much of it spans from his frustration with where he is at in his life. He has said if he were in a better place, he wouldn't be so frustrated and I would see a completely different side to him. I know he doesn't want to live at home either. Part of me still sticks around because if I can be with him while he is at his lowest, that says something right? I am just really appalled by the behavior I witnessed. I was shaking into the night and couldn't sleep. He never responded to the direct texts I sent him. I messaged him on FB the next day "How are you?" He responded with one small sentence and then didn't follow up with any more conversation. I know he's mad about what I texted him the night before (and probably wasn't the right timing given what had just happened). I texted him today "How's your day going?" Several hours later, I received "Cold," as a response. I haven't replied to him yet. I'm sure things went down pretty badly after they all got back to their home, so I'm giving him his space. Internet, do you have any advice on how to deal?
Willywagtail Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Oh dear. Maybe you should be thinking seriously about whether you want to be involved with such a dysfunction family. An apple doesn't fall far from the tree, you know. Clearly they don't have problems involving others in their arguments. Clearly your BF has problems with his temper. Clearly he's a product of his family, with little capacity for self reflection. He sounds like a child. He doesn't contribute to his living expenses and doesn't know how to look after himself. You aren't helping him grow up by attending his interview. If you're not careful, he'll turn you into his mother. Run. Run away as fast as you can. He's got more baggage than an airport carousel. He's not a keeper.
appies Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Sometimes it takes a few years for someones true colours to come through. I agree with gollum, that a dysfunctional family can often lead to issues. But what is more alarming is how he speaks to his family, he may be nice to you now, but I am willing to bet that eventually he might treat you differently as well.
Clio Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 We've been together for about 2.5 years. I'm 31, he's 26. He's trying to save up for the career that he wants, so he lives at home (rent-free) with his parents & works a full-time gig as his base. All of his money goes towards his career gear (composing). His parents' dysfunctional relationship, however, has affected the way he behaves with me and our relationship. We've gone through several valleys that made us on & off several times, but everything seemed to be going okay the past couple months and we've actually been talking about future plans. However, the enmeshment he shares with his mother and the anger he holds toward his father is what scares me. His dad lives in the basement, bf lives upstairs with mama. She doesn't work but does the cooking, dad is the bread-winner & takes care of the house - however, years back, he put the family into bankruptcy and now they are in loads of debt but he has a good paying job. There is always a weird dynamic between mom/dad but I have gotten somewhat used to it. Still, I try to maintain my distance from his family, but his mother latches on to me to complain about the father quite often (who never can seem to do anything right)... My bf also comes to me to complain. I hear story after story about crappy home situation, his crappy job, how he feels like he's never going to live out his dreams, etc. While this stirs up a lot of drama, I try to be as supportive as I can & focus on myself mostly to keep from getting too into the weeds. But this past weekend, I got stuck in the weeds. I had helped my bf get a job interview through referral from a friend for a small family-owned company. They invited me to attend the interview since I know the two ladies who run the place.. I thought it was a little weird, but BF was okay with me coming. Needless to say, it didn't seem like a good fit. We were discussing some of the pros and cons about him taking the job, but then he escalated the conversation. Suddenly, he's griping about how he feels worthless, and is mad at me for "setting up an interview at a place that will pay him the same and where he'll be worse off." As if I had intentionally tried to make him worse off?! I have interviewed people before, so while I was trying to communicate the interviewers point of view, but he interpreted it as me telling him to take the job. Regardless, his argument wasn't making sense and he projected a load of junk onto me that made me feel horrible. This has happened the last three times I've helped him job-search... So I told him I'm not going to help him anymore and he's welcome to stay at his job that he hates. I also told him to never ever speak to me with such disrespect again. We got to his house right after that, and we were supposed to go out with his parents for his mom's birthday. His mom cheerfully greeted him at the door, and he raged, "MOM, NOT NOW!!!!" He bickered some more about how he deserves to be paid $20 and not $13. However, he does not show the skill sets to even deserve $20, but he doesn't like to hear that... nor does he like having to work up to it. After some time, he cooled off and we were on our way. But I was rattled inside, filled with anxiety, anger, and frustration. In the car, his dad started suggesting the same exact things I was suggesting to him about the job, about how he can gain experience, etc. He didn't pick a fight with him though. We had a nice day trip, but then it got dark and we needed to drive home. My bf offered to drive home because his dad's glasses give him double vision. However, their ancient car's defroster does not work, so the window kept fogging up and we had about 1 1/2 hour to drive home. This angered my bf, and he just BLEW HIS LID while driving saying "DAMMIT I told you dad to fix the car and that this was happening and it's still not fixed." He was slamming his hands on the steering wheel while he chewed out his dad, and this carried on for about 20 minutes before we stopped at a gas station to fill up. His dad had little reaction, except telling him to calm down. His dad got out to get gas and offered to check the defroster, but both BF and his mom screamed "NO!!!! IT DOESN'T WORK, WE TOLD YOU!!!" Inside the car, bf and his mom start conspiring about how irresponsible the dad is, saying he has a death wish, he has bad energy... then his mom turned around to say to me, "Isn't that right?" I was already shocked just trying to process all of this and mumbled out, "riiiiiight...." BF then went into a rant about how he's not going anywhere in his life anytime quickly with his crap job, how he's worthless, a failure, etc. His mom coddled him saying "No don't think those things honey..." We proceeded to drive home with the windows down. I got home, frozen, freaked out, and seriously questioning what just happened. I got a text from BF that night saying he's so sorry I had to go through that. My first text to him was "thanks for having our safety in mind." But then I texted him some really direct pieces of my mind. Basically told him how I don't appreciate his mom trying to pull me into the madness. Also I said that there are 3 capable people in the household who use the car equally, therefore, they are all equally responsible for fixing the car. Third, I told him that temper tantrums aren't acceptable, and nobody should suffer from his raging just because of the choices he made in his life that have led him to this point. I also wrote that I'm tired of hearing what a bad person his dad is and how they paint him as the loser of the family. BF does not contribute any money to the household, he cleans dishes once in a while, and cleans the bathroom when he's told. Mom fixes meals for both the guys and has an eating disorder, so she sits there and watches them eat it. He's really not a raging person but is very gentle and kind and sweet. But he is pretty depressed. I know much of it spans from his frustration with where he is at in his life. He has said if he were in a better place, he wouldn't be so frustrated and I would see a completely different side to him. I know he doesn't want to live at home either. Part of me still sticks around because if I can be with him while he is at his lowest, that says something right? I am just really appalled by the behavior I witnessed. I was shaking into the night and couldn't sleep. He never responded to the direct texts I sent him. I messaged him on FB the next day "How are you?" He responded with one small sentence and then didn't follow up with any more conversation. I know he's mad about what I texted him the night before (and probably wasn't the right timing given what had just happened). I texted him today "How's your day going?" Several hours later, I received "Cold," as a response. I haven't replied to him yet. I'm sure things went down pretty badly after they all got back to their home, so I'm giving him his space. Internet, do you have any advice on how to deal? The fact that you can be with him at his lowest says nothing good about him or the quality of the relationship you are in. Putting up with crappy behavior may often be more about lack of self-love when it comes to romantic relationships... The relationship of his parents is his blueprint of what a relationship is. Plus, he is used to being mothered and being taken care of. Given that he has THREE enablers, I'd say the chances of him ever growing up and taking care of himself and responsibility for his choices are pretty much nil. You sound like a strong independent woman who has her life (otherwise) together. My advice would be to break up with him and look within for the reason you chose to become involved in a manchild dynamic. What does your choice tell you about your blueprint of what a relationship is? Is this dynamic of one partner being the child and the other one being the parent/teacher/enabler/rescuer somehow familiar? Because to an uninvested spectator this man is nowhere near the level of maturity and lifestage a 31 year woman would want of a man and won't be getting there anytime soon. Where do you want this relationship to go? If it's a happy and healthy marriage this is NOT your man.
Heather Dawn Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Holy crap. Except for the age, I'd think you were with my ex-boyfriend. In my late-20s, I was with a "man" who lived at home with his very dysfunctional family - his mom only married his dad because she wanted babies (she told me this point-blank); she gave up her career and wasted her education (Master's degree) to focus 100% on them, then refused to let him and his brother develop independence; his dad was an outsider in his own home - his mom confided in me that they hadn't had sex in years. My ex - an artist and wannabe graphic designer - never worked a day in his life and yet thought he was too good for any job that wasn't his dream job (even though he had no experience doing anything, even flipping burgers). He also had bouts of rage-filled meltdowns over the smallest things (ex. he dropped a box of dry spaghetti once, it went everywhere, and he completely lost his sh*t) - something even his mom told him he needed help with. I was pressuring him to grow up or I'd leave, his mom wanted him to stay dependent, he went into a deep depression as a result, and - needless to say - I walked. I saw him as a pathetic man-boy, at that point. And I was right. You need to end this. There's more dysfunction at work here than you can help.
Blue_Skirt Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I like reading and I am not lazy, but if I can’t even read through your entire post, how can you possibly stay in this relationship? Time to move on.
j.man Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 tl;dr version: OP's 26 going on 16 year old boyfriend lives at home, seemingly indefinitely, saving up money. Gripes about his father and gives his parents attitude. Complains he's not getting what he deserves. OP calls him out and now he's butthurt and giving he the cold shoulder.
tallydoo Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Are you staying with him at his lowest because you genuinely want to be there for him or is it sort of a challenge to yourself?
AliB Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Thanks everyone for your advice. I've been in denial of all of this for a long time, and I know I developed an unhealthy attachment to him through all of this. The recent turn of events pretty much sealed the deal. I was away for 2 weeks for business/holiday. We were in touch while I was away, everything seemed fine, but my mind was just a mess. Maybe I was tuning into something because when I got back, he wasn't very eager to see me. He had my car keys, so I went up to his place to get them. He didn't even get off the couch to give me a hug, didn't say hello, just smiled at me. His mom was fluttering around the kitchen. I thought it was strange, something didn't feel right. His mom sat me down to eat something, and I ended up talking to his parents for an hour instead of with him directly. He got up off the couch only at the end when I was trying to leave, saying "Oh I should probably give her a hug or she'll be mad" in his teasing sort of way. All I wanted was affection and didn't even want his hug after he said that. The next couple days, he didn't attempt to hang out but texted me asking how I was feeling. Somehow, he got the impression that I was sick??? When I confronted him on all of this and why he has little interest to see me after 2 weeks, he said I was being ridiculous, he said he was giving me space because I was sick (which I'm not), he said he was exhausted and taking B12, on and on... then he said he can't take it anymore and doesn't want to be in a relationship. This was all over a Facebook chat. I had tried to call him directly, but he had been on a daytrip with yours truly, his parents. I blocked him on FB because he has done this whole "I don't want to be in a relationship" dance before -- which basically means, he wants the benefits of one, but not the responsibility. That was 4 days ago and I haven't heard from him. Trying to get over my anger, but this week is dragging on. I know it is good to just let it go, but after a month I will hit the withdrawal stage and crave for his attention again. I know because we have been here before, several times. This time, it has to be for good. I'm not usually a "rescuer" person and have had boyfriends who had their shat together. This is honestly the first time I've ever been with someone who was such a mommy's boy and literally cannot handle the responsibilities of life. Early on in the relationship, a friend asked me if he was a mama's boy and I said "NO" mostly because I didn't know at all what that term even meant and I thought his devotion to being at home was an admirable thing. Well it has been a mind-boggling roller coaster for the past 2 1/2 years. I have scoured the internet neurotically looking for answers thinking I'm going crazy, when the only answer I probably needed just happened. At least I now know a whole lot more about personalities, psychological problems, etc. Hopefully I can steer clear the next time around.
abitbroken Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 You have posted about this guy before. Just leave, okay? this is going nowhere.
AliB Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Wow how long were you with this guy? I wish I had heard about mama's boys before getting involved with one. My guy ended up moving in with me in the beginning because his mom gave him so much crap about us being together. She hated my guts in the beginning and told him lies. He would tell him about how I wronged him instead of telling me directly. THen he started running home to her every time I made a demand (like asking him to pick up some of his clothes off the floor because they were in the middle of everything and getting stuck under the rolling chair he was sitting in!) His mom started to love me, but his behavior has been so volatile. How long did it take you to get over this? I am feeling like it's going to take me forever... everytime I hit the month mark on no-contact, I go into withdrawal and need to see him again. The last time this happened, I lost 12 pounds from anxiety!!!
agent1607307371 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Part of me still sticks around because if I can be with him while he is at his lowest, that says something right? It says that you don't think you deserve better. It also says that you are fine with these patterns repeating in your life and relationship. These people are not "low" they are dysfunctional.
abitbroken Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 It says that you don't think you deserve better. It also says that you are fine with these patterns repeating in your life and relationship. These people are not "low" they are dysfunctional. The being at someone at their worst? "worst" means when they are in the hospital, when their company moves to another state and lays everyone off, when a pet or close relative dies, etc. if "at their worst" means their day to day poor life skills, moodiness or dysfunction, that may really may be them at regular and not "worst of times".
AliB Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 Hi all, thanks so much for your support. Still no word from him, which I am grateful for. It is day 5 and I haven't heard from him, which is making it much easier to focus on my needs and healing. However, I am wondering how to deal with his mother at this point. Last night, she texted me saying she loves me and misses me. I haven't responded because I feel this just re-opens communication. Would it be mean to not respond and to not communicate with her? Last time she did this, he and I started talking again and got back together. My gut feeling is that it's way too soon, I need some distance, and I don't want her interfering. Her take on all of this dysfunction has always been, "Well, welcome to married-life," but that's because she's basing it on her own crap marriage. So in the past it has lead me to believe that perhaps this is the normal way things are and to accept them, keep communication open, and get back together. I guess I've answered my own question. But has anyone else dealt with this?
abitbroken Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Hi all, thanks so much for your support. Still no word from him, which I am grateful for. It is day 5 and I haven't heard from him, which is making it much easier to focus on my needs and healing. However, I am wondering how to deal with his mother at this point. Last night, she texted me saying she loves me and misses me. I haven't responded because I feel this just re-opens communication. Would it be mean to not respond and to not communicate with her? Last time she did this, he and I started talking again and got back together. My gut feeling is that it's way too soon, I need some distance, and I don't want her interfering. Her take on all of this dysfunction has always been, "Well, welcome to married-life," but that's because she's basing it on her own crap marriage. So in the past it has lead me to believe that perhaps this is the normal way things are and to accept them, keep communication open, and get back together. I guess I've answered my own question. But has anyone else dealt with this? It would be mean to yourself to respond. It just further proves that you were not in a one on one relationship.
AliB Posted December 18, 2015 Author Posted December 18, 2015 OK I won't respond then. She has gone so far as to call me up at my office phone too or show up randomly to tell me we are still friends despite what happened, and then talk about how her lovely son is working on his life, how he's just having a really hard time, not to take it personally, how he just wants to be a man, how he's just frustrated because he wants to provide for me but can't, how she wants me to be part of the family, etc. She also says he doesn't mean what he says, and that he's just in a weird space.... so she is doing the relationship FOR HIM apparently, justifying bad behavior, AND training me to justify it too! We live in a very small village-type town and they live 2 blocks away from me. My office sits right above a street that she walks down to go to the gym so it's easy access. It's sad because she's so downright needy I wouldn't know how to let her down nicely. NO MORE!
agent1607307371 Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Is there anyway to make sure she's not allowed access to your office?
Heather Dawn Posted December 18, 2015 Posted December 18, 2015 Hi all, thanks so much for your support. Still no word from him, which I am grateful for. It is day 5 and I haven't heard from him, which is making it much easier to focus on my needs and healing. However, I am wondering how to deal with his mother at this point. Last night, she texted me saying she loves me and misses me. I haven't responded because I feel this just re-opens communication. Would it be mean to not respond and to not communicate with her? Last time she did this, he and I started talking again and got back together. My gut feeling is that it's way too soon, I need some distance, and I don't want her interfering. Her take on all of this dysfunction has always been, "Well, welcome to married-life," but that's because she's basing it on her own crap marriage. So in the past it has lead me to believe that perhaps this is the normal way things are and to accept them, keep communication open, and get back together. I guess I've answered my own question. But has anyone else dealt with this? Don't respond. And guess what? Relationships (and "married life") do not have to be this way.
AliB Posted December 19, 2015 Author Posted December 19, 2015 Not really. Well, we do have a woman who sits at the front and knows her so I could have her say I'm just not in the office right now if she comes by. I will consider that, thanks!
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