An evening with the Ex, one month after breakup of 8 year relationship.(LONG)

[OneLove111]

Hi,

 

First a disclaimer - this is a LONG STORY, which includes the moments leading to break up.

 

I am not even sure if this should be in Getting Back Together - But the main part of it was that -

 

a few nights ago, I actually spent a bittersweet, connected evening with my ex after one month of mostly no contact - but despite that she said we could not be together. Here is the story.

 

PART 1 - Before the breakup.

 

 

One month ago, my girlfriend of 8 years ended a relationship where for the past few years, I had been having problems with insecurities, temper, jealousy - and the typical aspects of a man that would cause an amount of loss of attraction. Despite this, we were a loving couple, and had many, many good memories and were in many ways very compatible - hence the 8 years together. We were both musical, artistic, had the same sense of humour, and had so many laughs and good times together doing many, many things. She is (29f) and I am (35m).

 

The issues stated came about quite simply, now looking in hindsight, because I had a continuously deepening addiction to Marijuana. I know that many people would not think this is possible - but let me tell you that pot affects people differently, and for me it turned me into a shell of who I was.

 

We spent quite a few of those 8 years in long distance, but because of the intense love we had, we survived right through it, Skyped each other everyday even with the time differences. Once in a while we'd go see each other even with my financial difficulties and travelled thousands of miles to see each other. It was beautiful seeing each other at airports, and sad saying goodbye as well. All throughout this, my pot habit got worse and worse - and eventually in the last three years I had severe insecurities and jealousies no matter how trusting a person she was and how much she reassured me with her love. If you look into cannabis addiction symptoms (does not apply for everyone), emotional immaturity is a huge part of it. So is amotivational syndrome. I began to have both.

 

In the last year she came back to be in the same place as me for the first time. She quit her job overseas to be with me, and to "try and make it work" and to see if we got along when in the same place. For a few months we did sort of get along, and I was trying my very best to change, even though I was still on the pot, and we did still have quite a few arguments. I began softening through the arguments, but by now she had already started to become intolerant of my shortcomings and the arguments got somewhat worse. I had become a shell of myself - a bit of a slob, didn't put in my all at work and was very emotionally immature - impatient, tempered and couldn't deal with discomfort. This is actually a disconnect from my real personality as a funny, fun-loving, light hearted guy.

 

In some ways, for the first time, she started to become a little mean, and I could tell she was hating herself for it. But bear in mind, when the good times were good, there was so much laughter and we are so sexually compatible and physically attracted to each other that the energy never died down in this department.

 

I was by now smoking up to three small joints, only at night (we were living apart as she was living with her sister while trying to sort out an apartment she bought.) I was supposed to move in to this apartment once it's ready so that she could see whether I could pull my weight around the house, as for the last few years I had shown myself to be rather immature and not very responsible (this is a symptom of being an addict. any sort of addict)

 

So very close to the breakup, we took a trip overseas, as part of a travel thing she was doing where each location would be done with a different person - me, friends, and also family. So the first place was with me. And being away from the pot for one week, made me a paranoid shell of myself and I think I showed myself to be rather unattractive and paranoid during the trip. We had a good time and an adventure nevertheless. While on this trip, in a scenic location, I proposed - silly considering we had some fights on the trip. In the moment she said yes, but later showed herself to be a little confused.

 

When we came back, everything seemed ok, and a day later she was supposed to travel to another place with ex-colleagues, and it was supposed to be a spiritual trip with meditation and the likes. While she was there, her messages were really loving, telling me she missed me and the laughter, found everyone rather boring and couldn't wait to come back to see me. She told me in two days she would be going for a deep meditation. And she did.

 

After that, her messages went a bit cold. By the time I picked her up from the airport, she was quite cold. I asked but she said she was just tired. We went to a relatives party the next day - and she was distant. By the time the party ended I said i was tired and was going to go home, but I brought her aside and asked her if something was wrong and had I done something wrong. She said it's nothing. I asked again. She said lets talk about it another time. I pestered and she said no, lets talk about it another time because her family was there. I knew this was bad as that meant she didn't want to appear she was crying. I left a little crushed.

 

 

PART 2 - The Breakup

 

I met her the next day - and she brought me somewhere quiet and told me she couldn't do it anymore. I was shocked, and for a good 30 minutes I pleaded with her to reconsider and told her I know we've had so many problems, but we are so connected and have had so many years together. She used language like " No, I'm set on this" "nothing you can say will change my mind" "You need to move on"

 

This was days after saying how much she missed me, and couldn't wait to see me. She said that during the meditation something awoke in her and she knew what she had to do. She said the turning point was the proposal, and she knew she wanted someone more responsible to spend her life with. She said I was the kind of guy she wanted when she was 19, not when she is 27. She said if I couldn't take care of myself, how can I take care of her? She said with settling her own apartment and quitting her high paying job - she felt like she matured past me. In a way it was true, although I had my own company, I was stagnant and in the same place for many years. Deep inside I knew my addictions had made me complacent, and vapid. I was only giving 50% at work. Even though she never knew this, I'm sure the energy showed itself. I knew begging would do nothing, so I stopped, and started to be polite and kind and accept even though I was in tears. She was too. She said she would come the next day to get her things from my place. We sat for another couple of hours just making bittersweet, calm conversation.

 

The next day she wanted to come over - but I didn't want to end it yet, so I declined and said I think I'm not ready to see her yet, could I get a rain check. She said well, she also wanted to come and tell me something else. So i accepted. She came, and I had her things ready and calmly helped get them to her car. What crushed me was that she came back into my place - and began scanning the place for anything else she may have left. It made me think she was so set on it, but part of me thought maybe she was just really scared of her decision and wanted to be so sure and convince herself of it by being this way.

 

I then asked her what did she want to tell me. She sat me down and said that she was so surprised, and proud and happy with how I acted during the breakup and how calm I was. I think she was rather surprised, as she would have expected me to lose my temper or be really needy during the process. I think I had just shut down inside. I told her it's because I loved her and that 8 years deserves it not to be ugly in the end, which was sort of also how i felt. I even offered to take a picture together in the end to remember that it wasn't ugly. She thought it was a great idea and agreed. We sat for quite a few hours just making bittersweet talk about the memories again, and then she left, and I waved her goodbye watching her car drive off. It may have been the saddest moment in my life. When she got home, she messaged that she had quietly put the proposal ring back into my drawer.

 

Ironically, It may have been the only thing that could tip me over to change myself as a man.

 

PART 3 - NO CONTACT (mostly)

 

I spent the next few weeks in a terrible state. Suicidal. I had to spend nights sleeping in other places, siblings houses and in my own company's office couch as I couldn't be at home.

 

Something changed in me, and I just completely stopped smoking pot. After 10 years of use, about 7 years heavy nightly use.

 

By this time she was travelling to another place with her family. We had exchanged a brief message saying there were still things with me, and she had something of mine. She said yeah maybe we can pass it after her trip, no rush. Her going away helped me feel like she was safe and away and helped me with the beginning process of not contacting each other.

 

I was a wreck but tried to keep speaking to as many friends and family as possible to make sense of what happened. By the second week of no pot, it was the longest I had been not smoking everyday for something like six-seven years. I began to go through intense withdrawals - cold sweats at night, headaches, and worst of all - depersonalisation - the feeling that you don't exist.

 

During this week, something happened, in the middle of the night, while tossing and turning sweating, it felt like a dark part of me walked out the door - and when I woke in the morning, I knew I had started to become better. No anger, more calm and centered. I felt bittersweet as was this all it took? Giving it up, and then 3-4 weeks of withdrawals and I could start to be more that man she wanted? I knew I was never going to smoke again. When I drove my car the next day, what would usually end up with me getting angry at terrible and inconsiderate drivers on the road - I suddenly realised most of them didn't even exist at all, they were in my mind. I cried in the car.

 

After one month ( six months total, as I didn't smoke during our trip and one week after), I was healed from the addiction mostly. And felt more balanced. By this time she had come back from her trip with family, and proceeded to go to another country with siblings, as well as a cousin and her cousin's fiancé. My friends urged me that after one month of no contact, I should say at least something, don't let her slip away. All the relationship science from websites told me not to - but i did anyway. I messaged and said that I wanted to msg, but didn't know what to say. Guess wanted to just say have a good trip. I joked that I hadn't auctioned her things off yet. She replied straight away, and said thanks so much! She laughed at my joke and said maybe we can meet when she comes back. It shouldn't but this got my hopes up that she wanted to meet.

 

I spent the next week when she was away, exercising and just really feeling positive about my detox. I was sweating out the weed from my body. I felt happier but at the same time, was obviously still depressed about everything. I bought some new clothes and got a nice haircut to make myself feel much better. My skin improved from not smoking, and amazingly I had no sinus problems anymore - turns out I was quite allergic to the cannabis.

 

When she came back, she was still busy with her family. While shopping I saw an outfit from a mannequin that looked exactly like her so I sent her a picture of it and said Hey, I bumped into you and you didn't say hello. Again, she replied straight away saying it does look like her and laughed and said "Hello!". I asked her how her trip was, but since the conversation was getting cold I excused myself and said I didn't want to keep her and hopes she has a nice evening. She replied in a few minutes and said sorry she's been occupied and hasn't asked to meet and she will soon.

 

PART 4 - THE MEETING 1 MONTH AFTER BREAKUP

 

The following week (about week 5 of the breakup), I knew she was back but was with her cousin and family and was busy. One night, while I was getting ready for bed, she messages and asks me if I am free tomorrow? Silly me thought she was ready to talk, and I could tell her my heartfelt thoughts about self reflection and change. I said sure, in the later afternoon. She then says something that crushes my spirit - asks if we could meet at the lobby of her apartment. A place where your car can only be stopped for a mere 15 minutes. I guess she just wanted to exchange the stuff, nothing more. I said ok, but I thought you'd like to get some coffee. She hesitates for a while, before answering ok, we can go to a bar that's part of her block.

 

So I go over, and I go upstairs with her things. She takes some time to open the door, and when she does, I get butterflies at seeing this woman that I have been seeing or talking to for 8 years of my life. She is wearing an exact outfit to the mannequin one I pointed out. I help put the things in, and she passes me my thing that I wanted and also said there are letters in there for my family, to make sure she didn't leave rudely and to say thank you for everything. The finality felt like a knife through the heart.

 

We go downstairs to the bar, as the sun was setting. It's a nice chilled place with a good ambience and music. We order drinks. I start by saying I didn't feel like she wanted to have coffee or drinks with me. She smiled and said well, she didn't think it would give the right message and she didn't want to lead me on. She asks me what I wanted to talk about, and I said nothing in particular really, it's just that everything happened so fast that I felt I didn't get to say what i wanted to say. I go on to explain what had happened to me, and how I had stopped smoking, and it made a huge change in me that I couldn't even begin to explain. I explained the story that during my intense withdrawals, one night while sweating it out in bed, it felt like a dark part of me had left the door and I woke up a different person. She starts crying. I start crying saying that I guess what I wanted to say was that, if I had done this much much earlier on, we would have had a much more beautiful relationship and a better time together and I am really so sorry. She says well I am happy for you that you've done this, this is what you needed. But she also said that understand that it's hard for her because all she hears are words. All she knows is what she knows from the years together. I began passionately talking about cannabis addiction and it's effects and she is really listening intently, even searching her phone's internet for some of the terminology I was using. I said how insidious this addiction was and how difficult it was to see it while inside it. She agrees with me and we talk about it intensely for a while.

 

We start talking about more light hearted stuff, with much laughter and it felt like old times. We joke around a bit, and she even showed me an app where you can sing to a random person or group on the other side, so we did that sitting next to each other and singing. It was really fun. We talked about Star Wars and how amazing the new trailer is. She asked if I was going to dress up for it, I said no my friends aren't really up for that and that it was something we were gonna do. I asked if she'd think she would want to go, and she said do I really think thats a good idea? I joked that it's just a movie and she laughed. There were also moments where I caught stares into her eyes and she did the same for moments before quickly glancing away and saying, hey OneLove, what are you doing? Don't look at me like that. We continue to talk so openly like two people who just met, and order even more drinks.

 

By the end of it, I said I should probably go soon, and I pay the bill. When we got up, I felt pretty drunk, and I told her. She said you can't drive can you? I said no...I don't suppose I could come up to sober up for a while. She gives a cheeky shake of the head and said ok. While walking she joked that this better not be a ploy and laughs. I said no, I really don't think I could drive. We go upstairs and she said we can chill out by the balcony, which she decorated so nicely. She dims the lights and puts candles on to show me her candle holder and everything. The place looked romantic. I picked up her guitar and started playing and singing - she looks like she is playing with her phone, turns out she is recording me. I got caught off guard and she pretends not to record, but I start playing again, and she goes full on, recording me in different angles as I do so.

 

As I play the next song, another one of my own, she starts tearing up. I sang like i've never sang so emotionally before. After that I passed the guitar and said why don't you play? Do you remember how to? (I used to teach her a little) She tries to play one of the earliest songs we played together and fumbles a little and we laugh about it. I take the guitar and say you sing, and she does, I harmonise and it is absolutely beautiful. She then asks if I saw (person X)'s post on Facebook, who was a college friend. I said no, I haven't been on Facebook, what is it? She shows it to me and it's a picture of us playing at her college prom together. We laugh about my terrible outfit and her funny hair.

 

At some points we just smoke cigarettes, drink green tea and talk about spirituality. She said some people need to follow their hearts and some their mind. She gave an example of a friend who said needs to follow his mind. She said I am somebody who needs to follow his heart. I asked what about you? She said that she is somebody who needs to follow her heart. A few moments I try to be closer or brush her hair but she pulls away and says OneLove, what are you doing, you're drunk. I said we can be in a bubble just right now. She said no.

 

We continue with more laughter and banter, and I showed her some games I was developing on my phone ( a recent hobby) she said wow, you made this? And i got her to play it. She's terrible at it, I take over and try to show her a special power-up but I'm so bad at it too. We laugh some more. We talk more, and eventually, I say - Is there really nothing? She calmly says that no, OneLove, I don't see it right now. I'm really set on this. She reiterates that she hopes I can find somebody. I asked if it would bother her if I was with somebody, and she said it might for now, but she's sure she could learn to be happy for me. She tells me it's okay for me to be still friends with her friends, and it's up to me if i'm okay with her being friends with mine. I said it's fine. But said it would get complicated if we were with other people. I ask her if there is anybody and if it was ever about anybody else. She says no absolutely not, it's not about that and she can't even think about being with anyone right now and wants to work on herself.

 

After the words of finality she gave me, the beautiful, connected energy dies down a little, and I said maybe I should call it a night. She says ok. I get up and take my things, and I said give me a hug, she does, we hug for a long tight hug with a deep breath.

 

When I walk out, she says don't forget to give the letter to my family, and don't peep at it. She asks me to please msg her when I get home to say I got home safe. As I walk into an elevator, and as the doors close, she says "Good luck, One Love." And that was it.

 

So, there. I left much, much less depressed and sad than I went in. But at the same time, I was confused that such a beautiful, and connected energy was not enough to make her say any words of a chance. I felt like not a being in the world could deny the feeling that were on that balcony that night. Maybe I imagined it, but I am sure I didn't. Maybe she is totally over, I don't know. Maybe she wants me to change as a man - but only wants me to do it with the idea that she is not going to be there for it. So that If I ever do, I would truly do it in the deepest way possible - and only then can she ever consider coming back to me.

 

So I guess I don't know what I am asking. Advice. Thoughts. Anything to help me make sense of it all. I loved this girl even with all my addictions and problems, and she loved me tremendously too. And love was definitely there in the air and in the tears and laughter that were shed in that space.

 

Thanks if you've read this far, and for any replies.

 

OneLove111

[saluk]

Well, I believe you can become addicted to anything. Whether the science says it or not, whether it's classified as a compulsion or a physical addiction - when we are talking about behaviors that push people away and the person in question does not have the self control to manage those behaviors, does it really matter what it's called? If you aren't happy with the amount you are smoking and the amount of effort you are putting into your life, you should work on changing it, and get help for that. This breakup may have been a push to change, but it won't keep you accountable to that change. And as time goes on, that push you felt and still feel about becoming better will fade, and you will experience times of despair that push you in the other direction.

 

Still, consider her words. Especially the ones that you were what she wanted when she was 19, but not who she wants at 27. That doesn't mean that you need to change to be what she wants now - if you even could. The two of you have simply grown apart. And for her, in a seemingly irrevocable way. Sadly, a relationship cannot be built on connected energy. There have to be bonds underneath that to hold it together. And those bonds can't be detected by the other person - so you can't always tell that they are not there. It's easy for her to come be with you and still be connected, but there is nothing to make her want to stay in that place.

 

So if you change, change because you want to for your own sake. Follow the path that makes sense for you. Use this as a springboard to improve your life in every way you can. Perhaps she will catch wind of that, and maybe find a way to form those more lasting bonds. Maybe she was just with you for this time because you were who each other needed for that time... and now you need to be free of each other.

 

 

You are only one month in, and are doing exceptionally well! It will get better.

[Sabby]

Such a sad ending but at least she isn't playing mind games with you. She is standing her ground and it doesn't sound like she will be changing her mind. You're still in the hurt and broken stages, but look how far you've come on your own! Great job One Love! What's going to help you move on is a positive outlook now. This break up is teaching you things and helping you see things in a new light. Just sucks you had to lose her. She seems very great. My advice is try not not dwell on your past with her, but work on yourself as she is doing with herself. I don't think you should be changing in hopes of getting her back bc it may never happen. And you don't want to be disappointed again. But just improve and progress for your future. I hope things come together for you. Congrats on dropping the habit. Good luck One Love.