Going through FB messages made me realize how bad he was to me...

[hopeparis]

It's been 3 weeks since the BU.

So today I went through some old FB messages to try and understand what the dynamic of our relationship was in the last 3 months, to get some clarity. So much had happened in the last weeks before our BU that I forgot how unhealthy this relationship actually was.

 

Seeing him everyday in school and with friends doesn't help, but at least I know what he was capable of during our relationship. He put me through hell, then was all loving, then hell again.

 

Since July, he started distancing himself and acting weird, hot and cold, telling me he doubted about his feelings towards me, that we saw each other too much, bla bla bla. He hurt me and made me cry so many times that I blocked it out of my memory after the BU, only remembering the good times.

Thank God for technology.

I was living in a constant anxiety, wondering why he didn't text me anymore, why he stopped caring. I was miserable all summer long, and I even forgot that.

 

 

I'm mourning a relationship that actually died 3 months ago.

 

I went through some old FB messages and realised how bad he actually treated me since this summer. This guy was an a.

He ruined my summer. I remember now how much he hurt me. I started crying long before this break up. He treated me poorly. This break up is only the consequence of a behaviour I could no longer accept. Of a love that was too shallow in his side. Of a one-way relationship. Someone whom I loved, but didn't love me back or just not enough. Not enough to show it. Not enough to respect me. Not enough to want to talk to me and be with me and make me his priority. Someone who lied to me. Someone who abused me. Who broke my heart, and I stayed thinking that it would get better, thinking that he'd change. That he'd care enough.

I understand now. My eyes are wide open.

This was never gonna be a relationship in which I was going to be happy. I'd always have that fear of not being good enough, not being cherished. I didn't feel loved. I loved him more than he loved me and he knew it.

He took avantage of me. Maybe he didn't realize it; maybe he did.

But I can go to sleep knowing that I did nothing wrong. I did my best. He's the one who's gonna have to live with that guilt.

Yes we had good moments, but was it worth all that pain? The heartache?

No.

I deserve WAY better. I realize that now. I fell in love so deeply that I lost myself. I lost my values, I lost my standards. And just when I started trusting him again, he broke me.

But f***, I'm worth more than that.

This day, I choose to stop.

I dudged a bullet. This guy was wrong for me all the way. He doesn't know what he wants.

But these days are over.

I'm over this s***.

He's gonna be the one that has to live without me, not the other way around.

[Miffycat14]

I'm glad you came to the same realisation I did

[catfeeder]

Atta girl! Anger is one of the natural stages of grieving, so let it take you forward for as long as you can ride it. When it fades, which it will, don't believe that you've fallen back to square one--it's all progress.

 

When you can, research the 5 stages of grief, originally authored by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in dealing with death and dying. It's now a model applied by contemporary therapist to all forms of grieving. It's important to understand that these are not neat and linear stages that you can track to estimate your healing progress, but rather they are messy cycles that we roll through repeatedly until we've worked out all of our stuff.

 

The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Know that acceptance can be fleeting and starts to strengthen over longer and longer periods of time. This means that falling back into any of the other stages is natural--not the sign of a setback.

 

Head high.