GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I met my ex fiance when I was 21 years old on a life changing experience. We fell in love at our worse times and grew together. We almost went through a rags to riches story, together. We transformed our lives in many ways together. He proposed early, but I never wanted to get married because he started showing signs of emotional abuse. We got a dog together, he would literally HIT the dog (A mini) to try and train her. This when on for a year..until I said enough was enough. He even hung her over the balcony once yelling threatening to drop her..looking back these are the signs I ignored! But when he wasn't angered he was AMAZING! Loved me through and through, did anything he could for me. Really loved me, supported me, and helped me become a better person. I have little support, and he pushed me to do better. He was very positive, charming, gave me many things and taught me a lot. But we always argued and he would always blow up at me by yelling..Storming off! It didn't matter where we were, if I pushed him to far to keep arguing he would crack! He would pull over the side of a highway and run away, he would leave me and my friends stranded while out, he would do anything to hurt me when things didn't go his way. But it wasn't all him, I was y and demanding too. I pushed him too far at times and he would blow up. We broke up briefly two years ago, but got back together 2 months later and were immediately in love again. He even got me a bigger ring, a new apartment, and things seemed ok. Then I became the breadwinner, and I think his ego didn't like it. I did put him down at times, and was a little ungrateful looking back (being honest). This past year he threatened to breakup with me about 8 times! Then would come begging back 1 week later, saying he would go to therapy etc! We did try couples counseling...but only went twice. I skipped a session because I didn't want to go, and he just didnt want to go any more. All that being said-3 weeks ago it was a big blow out, he was "leaving again". He continued to live in our house (which I pay the majority of the bills now) and he went out drinking..i followed him to find him on the dance floor with 2 women. He ignored me, stayed out even after I approached him, and I cam home and packed his things. I couldn't take the disrespect. He moved out 3 weeks ago-staying with a Godmother, and has been partying with her GROWN sons who still live with her! Their in their 30s mind you! We have had contact-he even came back and said he loved me and hopes the universe brings us back together. I have begged (like a fool) for reconciliation! He said no-he wants to work on himself! I had his iCloud password and would track his moves 24/7 which confirmed he was partying out in the city until 2-3am! I am pretty sure he even slept with other women! THIS MORNING his phone got notified that I signed in to his phone(to track him and see that he added new girls #s to his contact list)-and he then BLOCKED ME from contacting him! My texts bounced and he blocked me! I am devastated-but also relieved that this happened so I can move on and stop tracking. This feels like a divorce-how could someone I love move on so quickly? DOES IT GET BETTER? Will he come back? Do I have that low self worth to even want him to? 27 year old confused. And he is in his 30s! Anyone..any advice or experience?
jennylove Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Ok, so first I need to ask, how is the dog? Is he still sbusive to her? Who had the dog during your breakup?
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Thank you! Dog is good..he stopped doing it years ago after he grew up and realized it was wrong...And I have the dog now.
dias Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 You seem very unstable both of you . But you can see yourself that it is not going to work , why waste your time ?
Batya33 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 What was the reason for being engaged all that time without getting married?
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 What was the reason for being engaged all that time without getting married? We wanted to, but we would go through bad periods of fighting..and then the trust and passion would be gone and we would spend months trying to repair it. But I am scared to move on.
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Ok, so first I need to ask, how is the dog? Is he still sbusive to her? Who had the dog during your breakup? Thank you! Dog is good..he stopped doing it years ago after he grew up and realized it was wrong...And I have the dog now.
Batya33 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 We wanted to, but we would go through bad periods of fighting..and then the trust and passion would be gone and we would spend months trying to repair it. But I am scared to move on. So I think if you choose to be engaged and then don't get married in that period of time that alone should tell you that you're not on the same page as far as commitment (as opposed to not getting engaged -not stating an intention to marry - and living together as a committed couple who don't choose to marry). Sounds like at least one of you got hooked on the drama/ups/downs. I hope you move on from this to a relationship that is exciting in a healthful way.
LovelyDani87 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 You may not want to move on but if he has told you no on reconciliation then you don't have a choice. Take some time out for yourself and move forward.
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 So I think if you choose to be engaged and then don't get married in that period of time that alone should tell you that you're not on the same page as far as commitment (as opposed to not getting engaged -not stating an intention to marry - and living together as a committed couple who don't choose to marry). Sounds like at least one of you got hooked on the drama/ups/downs. I hope you move on from this to a relationship that is exciting in a healthful way. Thank you!! Thanks for the positive message!
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 But what if he comes back? Ignore him right?
Jackiegirl0997 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 In my opinion, nobody is perfect. we can all admit we all have some type of issues within being in a relationship. noone who completely doesnt want to be with you, or love you on some level proposes and lives with you. obviously some of the things hes done were wrong (the dog thing, leaving you stranded) however he stopped the dog abuse and sometimes people just arent ready to man up and put in the WORK to be in a relationship. we all have unhealthy tendencies. some people really dont know how to communicate with their partner and in turn lash out. threatening to leave so many times could mean you two really do need your time apart. him going out and being wild is probably his way of distraction. but going to clubs gets old very quick. i think if its meant to be, they will be. i say try to control your inner crazy girl (something we all have) and give him his space. soon enough, they do tend to come back in some form or another. just let him know you do still care but understand you both have somethings to work on. and if its right, and you both really do make an effort to be better, if you love him i think its worth a shot. it all depends what you want and dont want.
Realitynut Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Ok..I know I'm not suppose to diagnose here....but he's very unstable....and you have issues also. (stalking/physically and ph.) Anger issues. When I was reading your OP I thought he could have Borderline Personality Disorder issues. Not saying he does...they usually have other problems as well. But I would say, read up on it. See if either of you can relate....and if you can, seek help with these problems. They don't go away on there own. You have to come to understand there is a problem....and what that problem is that you are dealing with. For now...he is Toxic. Work on yourself. Read about BPD....explosive tempers, abandonment issues, keep coming back...running away, making drama, roller-coaster relationships, etc.
ParisPaulette Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 He's emotionally abusive and in his early treatment of the dog he showed strong hints that he could become physically abusive under the right kinds of stressors. BTW I'm doubting he stopped hurting the dog, I just think he did it when you weren't around and hid it better. That is just the most bleeped up thing, him hanging the dog over the railing. I would've probably hung him over the railing then left and never looked back. (I rescue animals who are abused, I have zero tolerance and a hot temper when it comes to those who cannot defend themselves animal or human, so apologies if that offends you but man.) But by now we all know people who abuse animals are definitely not playing with a full deck, okay? I don't care what his excuses were or your excuses were, totally terrifying to the dog and the dog could have been killed and was definitely seriously hurt. If you've ever been hung upside down you would understand that, it's a torture okay. That said what you need to do is get some counseling to find out why you stayed in a relationship with someone you knew was abusive, to the point you put off marrying him. This is not the man you ever want to end up with and now that you're free I think it's time to address why you stayed and keep wanting to get back together with him instead of throwing a party that he's gone and vowing never to let anyone treat you or any animal under your care like that ever again. And if he comes back, tell him it's done and end it and never let him back in. There are so many red flags all over the place it's not funny. Also you need to read up on the cycle of abuse, that's what has been happening all through this relationship. The highs, the lows, the times he'd be abusive, then get better, then get abusive again. It's a pattern and you have been caught smack dab in the middle of it. And it might give you a far better understanding of the whole thing than any opinions will. P.S. My last ex and I were together for six years before I pulled the plug, because he was a chronic cheater. You do recover and move on and you can find a far better life with someone else. You just have to decide that's what you want and sometimes seeking help and ridding your life of toxic people gets you there. You can have a happy life no matter how long you spent with someone, time in a toxic relationship is not a good investment and it does not get you anything but more worn down in your self-esteem and self-respect. Please remember that.
GiGi28 Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 He's emotionally abusive and in his early treatment of the dog he showed strong hints that he could become physically abusive under the right kinds of stressors. BTW I'm doubting he stopped hurting the dog, I just think he did it when you weren't around and hid it better. That is just the most bleeped up thing, him hanging the dog over the railing. I would've probably hung him over the railing then left and never looked back. (I rescue animals who are abused, I have zero tolerance and a hot temper when it comes to those who cannot defend themselves animal or human, so apologies if that offends you but man.) But by now we all know people who abuse animals are definitely not playing with a full deck, okay? I don't care what his excuses were or your excuses were, totally terrifying to the dog and the dog could have been killed and was definitely seriously hurt. If you've ever been hung upside down you would understand that, it's a torture okay. That said what you need to do is get some counseling to find out why you stayed in a relationship with someone you knew was abusive, to the point you put off marrying him. This is not the man you ever want to end up with and now that you're free I think it's time to address why you stayed and keep wanting to get back together with him instead of throwing a party that he's gone and vowing never to let anyone treat you or any animal under your care like that ever again. And if he comes back, tell him it's done and end it and never let him back in. There are so many red flags all over the place it's not funny. Also you need to read up on the cycle of abuse, that's what has been happening all through this relationship. The highs, the lows, the times he'd be abusive, then get better, then get abusive again. It's a pattern and you have been caught smack dab in the middle of it. And it might give you a far better understanding of the whole thing than any opinions will. P.S. My last ex and I were together for six years before I pulled the plug, because he was a chronic cheater. You do recover and move on and you can find a far better life with someone else. You just have to decide that's what you want and sometimes seeking help and ridding your life of toxic people gets you there. You can have a happy life no matter how long you spent with someone, time in a toxic relationship is not a good investment and it does not get you anything but more worn down in your self-esteem and self-respect. Please remember that. THANK YOU!!! Really appreciate this! Good points. Did you get into another relationship?
catfeeder Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 If he were to come back, where do you see this going--and how? You lost interest in counseling, and you've spent 6 years putting off marrying the guy. At what point do you make a choice to change the trajectory of your life? Think about where you want to be heading next year. We never get any time back to live over again.
Dottieflanogon Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 You dodged a bullet....Quite frankly he sounds mentally unstable.Hitting a dog is an inappropriate (and ineffective) way to practice discipline. Not only is it not correct, you should be very worried that animal abuse could have turned into partner abuse. If he has anger issues with a puppy, that could easily boil over and turned into abusing you.He needs to seek profession help for his anger issues. You could never trust him with any pets or what if you decided you wanted children. It is truly a blessing he left you.Don't be surprised if perhaps he tries to contact you again, but in the event he does or does not... DON'T TALK TO HIM.Keep strong and remember you deserve better
Realitynut Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 PP is now happily married! She took her time....a long time....to find the right guy! She's also one of my favorite posters on here. Never is unkind....and gives the BESTEST advice! (hugs)
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