Girlfriends Ex recently died, wants to break up now.

[Adenver]

My girlfriend of a year who I am deeply in love with and have an incredibly strong and healthy relationship with recently had an ex-boyfriend from highschool pass away. She had talked about him maybe a few times whenever our ex's would get brought up and she never had anything horrible to say other than him cheating and getting with other girls once they were broken up ( something almost all of her ex boyfriends have done to her) other than that he was a nice enough guy. When she got the news she was obviously pretty up set about it and I completely understood and did my best to be there for support and to listen to her. This brought another ex of hers into the picture, I'll call him Paul, and I am not to fond of him. During our entire relationship he has done everything in his power to try and break us up or just tell her why she should be with him. He is an all around who mentally and physically abused her as well as cheated on her multiple times. He knew her ex who had passed and she found comfort in talking to him and others who knew him about memories. As much as I do not like Paul I put my worries and own feelings aside because I knew it was helping her cope. There was one incident were I came home to her place and as I arrived I see him leaving by himself and honestly I panicked and ran into the house expecting the worst to barge in on her and another friend just sitting talking, I realize that they had all just been talking and immediately feel like an as I should. Understandably this made my girlfriend upset and I apologized and tried to explain but in the end admitted it was bad on my part especially given the recent events.

 

During the whole process she has been grief stricken and it has taken an emotional toll on her and our relationship but I have tried to be here as much as possible but she says I am not helpful because I did not know her ex. As much as that sucks to hear I understand and try and just listen when I can. Then comes the day she tells me she wants to break up and not just a break but to not be together. This hits me hard because before her ex passed we had an extremely passionate strong relationship with great communication and honesty. I beg and plead and tell her I'll give her as much space as need but she insists we brake up.

 

That was 3 months ago now. The day after she broke off our relationship she called me and wanted to hang out just as if we were dating and that nothing had changed. This continued everyday for the most part. As the weeks went on she slowly began to find her ways of coping and healing and she became more and more like her old self and we continued to see eachother like we were still together but everyone in a while she would get in this mood and insist on telling me about how she doesn't think we will get back together and a bunch of other things that weren't so fun to hear, but then the next day she would be snuggling me and kissing me and talking to me like normal. This has been the situation for weeks now and luckily it has been getting better and she has been continued acting like her old self and constantly talks about our future. The only issue is she still says she wants to be single and even will sometimes use tinder and talk to other people. I understand grieving comes with all sorts of issues and it is still very fresh for her but at the same time it hurts to be the person here for her the most and treat her with the upmost respect and patience and then hear about her using tinder randomly and have her tell me she still isn't ready to be with me, but at the same time talk about our future and how much she loves and cherishes me.

 

I guess I am just lost in all of this and just want to here some people's opinions on how to feel and if this is a normal reaction to losing an ex she wasn't exteremly close to?

[Movingforward3]

I think emotions can be different for each person and can make them think differently. Especially, depression. It greatly effected my relationship. I wonder if this event triggered something in your girlfriend.

 

I think you have a good shot getting back together. Just be patient and understanding and don't push. Let her talk to you about relationship and things. Good luck.

[mhowe]

If she wasn't particularly close to this ex, then his death shouldn't have triggered these odd behaviors. Like getting together with other ex's and old friends to rehash old memories. Nor breaking up with you. It seems like a lot of smoke to end the relationship.

 

And by hanging around in this faux friendship after the break up, you are allowing her to use you to get over you. Time to cut the cord and move on.

[alli]

^^ I agree that it seems like she is using this as an excuse to end the relationship. I have experienced loss in my life and my family is still capable of supporting me even when they didn't know the person who passed away. While it may be helpful for her to talk with her mutual friends who knew him, it's ridiculous to say that you are incapable of providing her support for her grief because you personally didn't know the guy. Also, it appears she didn't do anything to stop Paul from inserting his opinion for the duration of your relationship even before her high school boyfriend passed away. That's not what someone in a good, strong, healthy relationship does.

 

Now, she is getting the emotional benefit of a relationship as well as the freedom of being single at your expense. She will take physical comfort from you when she feels like it but it is completely on her terms, regardless of how you are feeling. You might feel like a little bit of a relationship is better than nothing, but it's not. It's time to make a clean break so you can heal. You will be much happier if you let her go & give yourself a chance to meet someone else than if you continue this on indefinitely until she decides she's done for good.