DanR Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Hello. I'm in pieces here and really need some kind of help, I've no idea what to do. It's quite a long story, so I've summarized everything with bullet points. Please read them all to get a clear picture. - I'm a guy - She's a woman - Bumped into her in town 4 weeks ago. Knew her at school but not well. Didn't date when we knew each other 15 years ago. - We're both 30. - I'm single, she has a boyfriend on the other side of the country. - Agreed to go for a coffee, got talking, realized we got on amazingly well. - Since then, we've hung out every night until 3am for the past 4 weeks. - We've been out to dinner, been star gazing, watched films, talked an awful lot, and sent each other over 1500 messages in this time. - Her boyfriend does not know about me. He neglects her terribly although she considers him steady given some of the bad guys from her past. - She understands me better than any woman I've ever met. - She said it's like we have a telepathic bond, that I'm extremely special but she can't explain how. We 'get' each other. - Nothing had happened physically, although I realized I was developing feelings for her. - Last night, went out drinking, had sex and spent the night together. She initiated the sex. - At about 5am, in a slightly drunken stupor, she rolls over and whispers in my ear that regardless of her circumstances, we're meant to be together, that she loves me and we're soulmates. - Today I went off to work with a dizzy hangover, but feeling amazing. Not proud that she cheated on her boyfriend. - Got a message today saying that she doesn't love me in a 'coupley way' - she doesn't see it working between us. She just wants to be good friends. Please cast aside for a moment your judgement that I had sex with a girl that isn't single. I'm not proud. This woman is phenomenal! I've had many relationships, some lasting years, but I've never come anywhere this level of attachment, infatuation, and closeness. I really felt like I'd found the one, and even though she had a relationship, it was like fate had stuck us together. She's so perfect for me I don't understand. We've been hugging and holding hands for weeks without anything more happening. She's let me kiss her neck, but no further. Now we finally spend the night, and she decides I'm not right for her, that I'm more than a friend, but not right as a partner - she says she can't see me in that way. I left work 3 hours early, absolutely ripped apart by this. Anyway, my question is - what does this mean? How can she tell me one minute that we're meant to be together and that I'm like her long lost soulmate, then suddenly after a few hours alone, decide we should just be friends. Somebody help me. Please. Thank you.
mhowe Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Cheaters remorse. She isn't really worthy of much more thought. If she will cheat with you....she will cheat on you.
Ms Darcy Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 It means you should not mess around with women who have boyfriends. Like it or not, your integrity is important as well as finding someone who is emotionally available. And the bad stuff you do does come back to you.
lilygirl Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I agree with mhowe. Cheaters remorse, however this is especially harsh. Sends you a message? Gulp. At the very least this woman is confused. If she becomes unconfused and comes around again, try to remember that it is one thing to fall into bed with someone and then be filled with regret, because sometimes sex is just sex and emotions can be left out of it (and no I am not condoning this behaviour) but to participate in the courting dance on top of that is especially irresponsible and cruel on her part. She mislead you terribly. I am sorry this has happened to you. Focus on yourself, take it easy, take care of yourself. If she contacts you, checking in looking for you to make her feel better about her bad decision I would respond with "... your behaviour is not cool" or something equally as simplistic. I think it is important for her to know you recognize this for what it is and then you walk away.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 Im Sorry youre going through that, it sounds very painful. Just like others have said, it seems like she's confused. Her current relationship may not be ideal, and she found some happiness with you--but that may not mean she's ready to call it quits with the other guy (whatever the reason). Ultimately it sounds like she's used you in an attempt to sort out her feelings and the feelings you developed for her have left you blindsided. I think letting her go is the best option here because sometimes you can't be with someone, despite your feelings for them.
ThatwasThen Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 ... and yet another reallllllly good reason why "we" (the royal we) MUST never allow ourselves to cross personal boundaries to be with someone who is not free to be with us. OP: Sorry you are hurting however ~ Please learn from this so that you never put yourself in this type of situation again. Quickly distance yourself from taken women and keep your personal boundaries in place in your day to day interactions. She may have misled you with her affections (when all she wanted was sex) but you were irresponsible with your own heart when you pursued and continued to do so when you knew she was taken.
HeartGoesOn Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I'm single, she has a boyfriend on the other side of the country. ^ I stopped reading at the point (above). I'm sorry you're in pain, but you did go into this with your eyes wide open. Hopefully you'll learn a harsh lesson from this, as well as coming to the conclusion that a person who cheats on their SO has nothing to offer you, and is not a bargain by any shot.
Willywagtail Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 She's feeling guilty, so don't expect anything rational from her. I imagine having sex stirred up all sorts of emotions and probably the gravity of what you'd done has hit her like a wrecking ball. The only thing she can think to do is to dump you and run away. Cruel. It's a difficult situation, but you probably need to ask yourself why you continued to see her when she has a BF. Maybe you hoped she'd leave him for you?
Waraqqa Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I agree with mhowe. Cheaters remorse, however this is especially harsh. Sends you a message? Gulp. At the very least this woman is confused. If she becomes unconfused and comes around again, try to remember that it is one thing to fall into bed with someone and then be filled with regret, because sometimes sex is just sex and emotions can be left out of it (and no I am not condoning this behaviour) but to participate in the courting dance on top of that is especially irresponsible and cruel on her part. She mislead you terribly. I am sorry this has happened to you. Focus on yourself, take it easy, take care of yourself. If she contacts you, checking in looking for you to make her feel better about her bad decision I would respond with "... your behaviour is not cool" or something equally as simplistic. I think it is important for her to know you recognize this for what it is and then you walk away. I don't think it was necessarily "cruel" of her - I don't buy the notion that she deliberately set out to hurt you. Yes, sleeping with someone who is not free isn't the best idea (on your side). Yes, cheating on one's partner isn't commendable (on her side). Really sucks for her unsuspecting boyfriend! Poor guy. However neglecting he is, it isn't great to be cheated on. Honesty is very important, and don't participate in dishonest stuff! What is going on in her head is probably the following: She wants to stay with him because he is "steady" or whatever other reasons. Then she fell in love with you. She thought "oh, it's ok, i can come close to it and enjoy these amazing feelings, it's not like I'm a cheater, I'm just socialising with him, as long as I don't cross a line, it is ok". But then - inadvertently, unintentionally, having lost her awareness and resolve for one single moment - she did cross the line! Forgot herself in the haze etc. And, very simple - next morning came back to her senses, felt super guilty, and therefore put the wall and told you she can't see you more than a friend. That's how the process likely went on in her head. So, don't feel "absolutely ripped apart" by this. If it is any consolation: her words about not being right partners are NOT because you repulse her, or because she doesn't feel anything for you. Rather, it is a mental decision to steer away from more cheating and guilt/regret. She possibly has feelings for both of you. But she chooses to stick with the bf. So, nothing else to do than to respect her decision, and move on. You will meet someone else whom you will fall in love with! I wish you the best.
lilygirl Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I don't think she set out with cruel intentions but I think letting things go as far as they did was cruel. She would have known that the op was developing feelings for her and she should have shut it down sooner rather than later.
ThatwasThen Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I don't think she set out with cruel intentions but I think letting things go as far as they did was cruel. She would have known that the op was developing feelings for her and she should have shut it down sooner rather than later. He is NOT a victim as you've painted him to be... He is a volunteer that pursued HIS feelings for a taken women instead of backing off until his crush was squashed. She's a cheater but he is the enabler who CHOSE to continue on with someone he knew was not free to be with him. Op I reiterate so that you continue to learn from your mistakes and don't take solace in enabling dialogue that absolves you of the consequences of Your actions.
lilygirl Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 "Please cast aside for a moment your judgement that I had sex with a girl that isn't single. I'm not proud." I am not painting him as a victim. He is an adult and from my point of view understands that he has made a mistake. The op asked for advice without judgement and I think that offering empathy to someone who is in pain, even though they made a mistake does not make me an enabler. If someone makes a mistake and ends up getting hurt should we not offer advice? I think not, scolding him and telling him what he already knows is pointless. I would guess that after this situation he will think twice before getting involved with a woman who is not single. HOWEVER, in the meantime, I offered advice to someone who is in pain WITHOUT JUDGEMENT as that is what the op asked for.
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.