sudden flash of red...extremely scary for me

[greatunknowns]

I'm a 22 year old female, no history of anger issues or any mental health problems. My mother, on the other hand, is 63, on a slew of different medications for physical problems, and my brother and I suspect that there is something mentally wrong with her. All signs point to narcissistic personality disorder, at the very least, but I suspect that there are also other mental health issues. (She refuses to seek help and insists that the issues are in everyone around her, and that her children are the root of the problem.)

 

The short version of this very long story is that I was adopted as a baby, and I have never felt at home in my family. I was very close with my father, and while I never really felt like a part of my family when he was alive, his passing seemed to be the thing that really sent that over the edge. I have never been close with my mother. She has always been verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me. In spite of all that, I seem to have grown up alright. I have friends, I'm dating someone where the attraction is very mutual, my performing career is going as well as I could ask for it to go right now, I am employed part-time. I do have flashes of anxiety every now and then, and had an anxiety attack once (which was terrifying...it happened while my parents, while my dad was still alive, were fighting, and I was alone in my room; a little frightening to experience an attack for the first time and not have anyone else care because they were too involved in their own fight to calm me down).

 

Bottom line is that I am incredibly miserable & stressed living at home, but I don't have the means financially to move out yet. I don't have a car, so I can't really go anywhere. I live on the outskirts of Manhattan right now, but I really need to be living in Manhattan/Queens/Brooklyn, as I work two different jobs in the city, and all auditions that I need to go to are also in the city. I have friends I could crash with for a night here or there, but I can't deal with the constant, "Where are you going? Who are you going with? Where will you be going? Please let me know where you are constantly!" from my mother. I don't feel loved, and my mother always brings out the worst in me.

 

Tonight, when she decided to argue with me about something trivial (because arguing with me seems to be her favorite hobby), I just lost it. It scares me because I have never gotten that angry that quickly. I turned into a yelling, crying, angry mess. My mother hit me in the face (though she swears she didn't), and in self defense, I accidentally hit her arm (not that hard) when I tried to block her away, and consequently got screamed at even more, and suddenly I was "beating her up for no reason." While I would never dream of it in a million years, I just saw so much red and had an overwhelming and scary urge to shake her or hit her or pull her hair and things like that.

 

So basically, what do you do in those types of situations? I have been that angry at other people before, but I have never had an urge to physically touch another person in that manner. (Probably because if they really just don't care, I don't have the energy to continue arguing with them and if they don't want me around/if I don't want them around, it's not of much consequence to me. Unlike family, where it's a huge impact.) And just as quickly as I got angry, I cried hysterically for another 10 minutes, and then calmed down. Still angry, but it's like everything got bottled up and exploded all at once. I know I probably need to talk to a counselor or therapist or someone because the years of hurt will never heal on their own if I don't get it out (though I do often talk to a few friends about it, but they don't know the full extent of the situation), but in the meantime, what can I do? Counting to 10 and taking deep breaths has never helped, and I can't just go for a walk because I either get locked out/barricaded out of my house, or, what usually happens, my mother follows me outside and screams at me so the whole neighborhood hears. I feel like I just turned into a completely different person tonight and it was frightening.

[dias]

You didn't become a different person. It's was an outpouring of frustration and repressed anger. The only thing you can do is patience until you get a job that will allow you to live on your own or with roommates etc.

[DoF]

You become what you are around.

 

Your mother doesn't sound healthy, I would start putting some distance between her if I were you.

 

Anger is probably the last thing you want to do in ANY situation. It simply disables you from thinking clearly and making sound/smart decision. YOu simply lose control of yourself and become a different person.

 

Keep it cool, calm and ignore/stay away. ANY action will only fuel other person's anger. Or as I like to say "best way to fight your enemy is to ignore them".

[TMifune]

You have a rage issue.

 

What that means, is that there's something in you that basically triggers your fight-or-flight response when it's not really necessary. But it feels like it's necessary. Not precisely the same, but very similar to a War Veteran having a PTSD episode because a car backfires. He knows consciously that a car just backfired, but it doesn't matter because it triggers the memory of being shot at and the body responds physiologically to that.....and physiological changes lead to emotional changes.

 

If you have the resources, I'd consider talking to a psychologist. You need to learn to recognize the symptoms of rage building and remove yourself from the situation as well as build a set of tools to help yourself alleviate the pressure. Understanding the bridges...the current stimuli that connect with past trauma can also help you rewrite the script. Those bridges are often constructed by false messages we tell ourselves, and identifying them allows the opportunity to negate that false message.