Multi-dating/Program of Three

[faraday]

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[kara025]

I don't believe there is natural/set rule on when exclusivity begins. That's why it's always good to talk about it and see what the other person thinks. After the first meet with my current boyfriend, I decided that while I wasn't sure about LTR potential, I wanted to focus on getting to know him and I got rid of my profile. He did the same.

 

That being said, I don't multi-date. It's just not for me. I'd rather focus my time on getting to know one person and I'll find out quickly if they are worth my time or not.

 

I am definitely not clingy in my relationships. Actually, I have a bad habit of being kind of aloof and I tend to withdraw when I am upset so I can lick my wounds alone. So honestly, you want to be somewhere in the middle, not clingy but not withdrawing either. I don't think that's related to multi dating. I think that's related to your general attitude about dating/men. Feeling like "Okay, if this doesn't work out, toss that f'in fish back and cast your line again".

 

In theory, I agree with you Fudgie! I would prefer not to multi-date and nor would I want someone I'm dating to be multi-dating too. But I think in my city and demographic, multi-dating is quite popular and in fact encouraged (through the use of online apps/sites).

 

What do you think allows you to be aloof-like when dating? Is it confidence? Not caring about the outcome?

[kara025]

Agree with this.

 

I think it's as simple as, I will go on as many dates with someone as it takes to feel comfortable that I know them ENOUGH to know I want to get to know them further, exclusively, to see if we can be in a long term relationship and more.

 

Before I make that decision, I'm free to go on other dates.

 

I find that helps me staying objective and better at identifying red flags at this early stage. I also find it harder to end things if red flags are identified after being exclusive with someone compared to before exclusivity, because it is a level of commitment to me, it's not a commitment that I give lightly, especially before I feel like I know enough about the person to offer this commitment, nor would I take it away lightly.

 

AGREE x100!

[kara025]

 

3. For a serious, successful relationship to develop, you need a solid starting foundation. Dating various people at the beginning of the relationship, for 3 months, that sweet period of time that's supposed to be the "honeymoon period", ruins the very concept of romanticism and the eagerness to explore one another.

All it does is speed up processes that should never be sped up, and it's a sign of the modern times, where it's all about efficiency and time saving.

 

 

I don't know, maybe I'm being all too pragmatic about this but isn't the honeymoon period when emotions are running high and you want to avoid making "emotional" decisions? There's a whole host of hormones that play their part in the formation of a new relationship that may or may not have anything to do with long-term compatibility. If we can make more rational decisions and be more clear headed in the beginning then maybe we can maintain some objectivity and awareness of red flags? Isn't this part of the reason why arranged marriages work?

[kara025]

It was in the study/article (I didn't read it, but I saw 3 months were referenced)

 

Yes, I think the article did mention 3 months somewhere. Otherwise maybe I plucked it out of thin air!

[Fudgie]

In theory, I agree with you Fudgie! I would prefer not to multi-date and nor would I want someone I'm dating to be multi-dating too. But I think in my city and demographic, multi-dating is quite popular and in fact encouraged (through the use of online apps/sites).

 

What do you think allows you to be aloof-like when dating? Is it confidence? Not caring about the outcome?

 

I think if you don't want to multi-date, that's fine. I don't see why it would hinder you. You can still use online dating sites/apps and not multi-date, there are many, many people who do. You just go on a few dates and if you think "hm, this person is something cool, I'd like to focus on them", then just deactivate your account and see what happens. If it doesn't work out, you're two clicks away from reactivating your account.

I don't think you're really risking "losing out" on anyone by employing this practice. You will find out soon enough if someone is not a good match and then boom, you're right back out there with your profile.

 

I don't consider myself a good case. I have some emotional intimacy issues (that I'm working on in therapy) that make me a little aloof. I can open up to with a partner but I find it easy to pull away and end things if they aren't working for me. That is just me as a person. My family (parents, siblings) are #1 to me and so I find it easier to walk away.

 

however, I don't believe you need to be like me to be aloof and cool. I think you just need to have your priorities in line and not allow yourself to oversee red flags. Focus on having fun and not investing much in the guy. Do NOT let yourself make excuses for those red flags. Heed them.

[j.man]

Different strokes for different folks. So long as you're staying within the realm of being a decent human being, the only way you're doing it wrong dating is if you're not enjoying it. I think asserting your own dating expectations for yourself is fine, but it's important not to word your subjectivity as objectivity. That's where threads like these inevitably start getting heated.

 

I'm going to get bored seeing someone for three months who I'm not interested in seeing exclusively, so the program ain't for me. Additionally, unless I'm like fresh out of a relationship and looking to hook up, I don't have sex with women I"m dating until we agree to be exclusive. I can hold out for a bit, but your boy's not waiting three months. Usually after 4 - 6 weeks, I know if a woman is someone I want to put all my dating energy into.

 

I think the system the OP is referring to is pretty arbitrary, but anyone who wants to do it should feel free.

[greta96]

I don't know, maybe I'm being all too pragmatic about this but isn't the honeymoon period when emotions are running high and you want to avoid making "emotional" decisions? There's a whole host of hormones that play their part in the formation of a new relationship that may or may not have anything to do with long-term compatibility. If we can make more rational decisions and be more clear headed in the beginning then maybe we can maintain some objectivity and awareness of red flags? Isn't this part of the reason why arranged marriages work?

 

Well, that's the whole point of the honeymoon period, it's meant to be thoroughly enjoyed while getting to know one another, you don't need to make any kind of decisions because it's too early for decisions anyway! You just go with the flow, and if you notice any deal breakers then you stop it, otherwise you keep going and enjoying. How can you enjoy having the butterflies tonight, and feeling on cloud 9, knowing that the next evening he is probably doing the same thing with someone else? Yuckkkk....I can't even imagine.

And arranged marriages don't all work, most of them don't. All my Indian friends/coworkers/people I know, who had an arranged marriage, are either extremely unhappy, or are cheating left right and center. They do look like the happiest families on the paper, but if you really get to know their private life, it's nothing to envy. Of course, this is not the case with everybody, I'm sure there are cases where the couple ends up getting along and loving one another, but I doubt those are rule and not the exception.

[tarrel]

Is it even possible for a man to mutli-date since he is expected to pay? I mean unless he is financially well off I just can't see a man dating multiple women in addition to paying rent, buying food, and paying bills.

[catfeeder]

Is it even possible for a man to mutli-date since he is expected to pay? I mean unless he is financially well off I just can't see a man dating multiple women in addition to paying rent, buying food, and paying bills.

 

I don't have even one single woman friend who views it as a man's job to pay. We view it as either whoever-invites-to-treat-pays or splitting down the middle. So you may want to consider meeting women for coffee or a drink to see how well you hit it off first. Then if you want to extend an invitation to treat her for a date, you can, but you can make it casual and cheap, like a walk in a park or around a town festival or something instead of an expensive meal.

 

Screen people out. If someone isn't interested in getting to know YOU instead of your wallet, pass on her and ask someone else.

[catfeeder]

What do you think allows you to be aloof-like when dating? Is it confidence? Not caring about the outcome?

 

The goal isn't to be aloof if that's not your nature. The goal is to avoid falling into insta-relationship patterns where you prematurely view and treat new men in your life as though they're committed long-range partners.

 

If you're with someone who falls right into doing that with you, it'll feel fabulous at first, until it blows up. If you're with someone who's too healthy for that, it will chase them away.

 

The goal of ANY dating, multiple people or not, is to get to know other human beings through a lens of curiosity about them rather than one of making your pictures happen. Sure, we're all seeking a good match--this isn't journalism--but we can't screen out bad matches when we turn blind to another's autonomy in favor of pulling them into a commitment fantasy.

 

Getting to know dates is the same as getting to know friends. Some of my most intimate girl-crushes are with women friends who are married. I was first enamored with how well we clicked through humor and joys in sharing interests or teaching one another our own interests, and I came to love them over time for exactly who they are--even when their husbands will be joining us for an outing.

 

So try adopting the same perspective with dates while operating on the assumption that they're also dating other people. See how well you can enjoy them, learn about them and from them, despite not being their lover or their only relationship. If that 'clicks' over time, you can consider whether you both feel the same way about making one another your exclusive, primary relationship. This could take months, or it could fizz out the way not all friendships take off into close, primary friend territory.

 

Not everyone is our 'meant-to-be' deal. If we attach too quickly, we'll miss that. Assigning commitment status to those who still view us as friends will derail their comfort--and our own. If we assign 'The One' status to every date, we deprive ourselves of resiliency and the ability to screen out wrong matches.

 

If finding love were easy, there would be nothing special about it.

[Batya33]

I multi-dated until I found someone I wanted to be exclusive with and usually it took about 6-8 weeks of dating to make that decision with a particular person. I did not want to limit my options too quickly, especially in my 30s, because I wanted to get married and the dating pool got smaller as I got older.

[Blue_Skirt]

I am a very selective dater. I was on an online dating site 8-9 years ago. I was looking for a long term relationship, not necessarily getting married or living together, but still a serious relationship. I would exchange numerous messages and have various phone calls with the men, before I met them. And then I would meet for lunch or dinner, because I had a good feeling that I could spend at least that amount of time with that person.

 

For me the most important thing with dating and relationships in general, is to know who you are yourself, what you want in life and what you are looking for in a partner. Have your own values and know your deal breakers.

 

For me this “Program of Three” sounds too much like playing games, and I don’t like playing games. But then I guess, somebody wants to sell her book, that’s fine, but it’s not for me. This site that I was registered on also had all kind of advice, but since it was a paid site, they wanted to sell their product. I go with my instinct as from now. I should have done that already at the beginning of my last relationship, but yes, I was listening to “advice”.

[Batya33]

Since I had scarce free time and wanted to meet as many potentially suitable men as possible I tried to meet in person as soon as possible -usually after a few emails and one phone call of about 15-20 minutes I met in person. I found the email and phone call essential for safety reasons and somewhat relevant to see if we could have a pleasant time over coffee. I found that typing and talking was mostly irrelevant to whether there would be in person chemistry so I didn't want to spend my time that way.

 

I didn't play games (with rare exception!) and I made sure that I was hard to get in the right way rather than "playing" hard to get.

[tarrel]

I don't have even one single woman friend who views it as a man's job to pay. We view it as either whoever-invites-to-treat-pays or splitting down the middle. So you may want to consider meeting women for coffee or a drink to see how well you hit it off first. Then if you want to extend an invitation to treat her for a date, you can, but you can make it casual and cheap, like a walk in a park or around a town festival or something instead of an expensive meal.

 

Screen people out. If someone isn't interested in getting to know YOU instead of your wallet, pass on her and ask someone else.

 

 

When I say mutl-dating I mean going on a first date with 3 different women and they all lead to more dates because we had chemistry. So that means I will be on a 2nd and 3rd and 4th date with 3 different woman which will start to be costly. A movie and dinner date in 2015 is close to $100 so that means I would be doing that for 3 different women if we hit it off on the first date. If I hit it with one women I normally stop searching and just focus on her because even with just one women dating can be costly.

[Fudgie]

Movie and dinner is a terrible first date or even a second one anyway. Not only are you shelling out a lot of money, you don't get to talk and get to know each other. It's best to stick with cheaper restaurants and activities.

 

 

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[tarrel]

Movie and dinner is a terrible first date or even a second one anyway. Not only are you shelling out a lot of money, you don't get to talk and get to know each other. It's best to stick with cheaper restaurants and activities.

 

 

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Not the first date, I am talking about if it gets to a 3rd or 4th date with 3 different women which would be close to $300

[catfeeder]

Not the first date, I am talking about if it gets to a 3rd or 4th date with 3 different women which would be close to $300

 

If you've reached a 3rd or 4th date, why aren't any of these women treating you out? Do you cook for them, or do any invite you over to cook for you?

 

If you want to spring for that kind of expense for people who don't even reciprocate, then that's your choice--it's not against the law. It just sounds a bit desperate--and unnecessary.

[Fudgie]

If you've reached a 3rd or 4th date, why aren't any of these women treating you out? Do you cook for them, or do any invite you over to cook for you?

 

If you want to spring for that kind of expense for people who don't even reciprocate, then that's your choice--it's not against the law. It just sounds a bit desperate--and unnecessary.

 

I am wondering this too. They need to pony up for date 2. It's not the 1950s anymore.

 

 

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[faraday]

Not the first date, I am talking about if it gets to a 3rd or 4th date with 3 different women which would be close to $300

 

I think what Fudgie is suggesting is less expensive dates over the 3-4 date period.

 

I think the first time my be took me out to dinner....it was probably around the 8 date, 2 month mark...we were already exclusive and having sex by that point. Up until then...we went for ice cream, went for walks...one night he brought over wine and we talked...we met for breakfast for one of our dates...

 

Idk, we did cheap things, and we took turns planning and paying. He invited me to meet, then for our first date....and then I planned our third meeting, he planned the fourth...and now we live together.

 

Dating can be as expensive as you want it to be.

 

 

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[Fudgie]

Yeah Faraday is right. Dating doesn't have to be expensive. There are cheap hole in the wall places. My boyfriend always uses Groupon too. I know a good ramen place that makes their own broth and ramen and you can get a big bowl of it with egg and grilled pork for $10. There are places like that but you have to look.

 

 

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[Batya33]

I would think by the third date you're taking turns treating and talking about what is within your budget.

[tarrel]

If you've reached a 3rd or 4th date, why aren't any of these women treating you out? Do you cook for them, or do any invite you over to cook for you?

 

If you want to spring for that kind of expense for people who don't even reciprocate, then that's your choice--it's not against the law. It just sounds a bit desperate--and unnecessary.

 

Yes normally by the 3rd date the woman offers to treat me but I am saying since the man is expected to pay most of the time it will still begin to get costly