kara025 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Now that I find myself back on the dating scene, this concept of multi-dating came up and a friend had heard or read about this Program of Three (Google "Diana Krischner Program of Three"...sorry not sure why you can't post links?) I've dated before but this concept is new to me because once I find someone I'm interested in (say, after 3+ dates), I give up on all the others (which can lead to the disastrous "clinginess" but has for the most part lead to some great relationships). This "program" advocates dating multiple people for as long as three months! What do you guys think? Pros and cons? Would love both female and male perspectives!
DoF Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 that program SUCKS IMO It's the unwritten code of conduct....and tests other person's morals/ethics IMO. ONCE there is a strong connection and you feel something about a person (whatever that feeling might be), it's time to FOCUS on them and give up on other dates. This can happen on 1st or 3rd date. But usually the mark is 2nd, because by that time you know VERY well if there is even the slightest chance of long term relationship with the person. Once you know that, you lay off other dates. The "official" rule is, until you are "exclusive", to me that happens NATURALLY by 2nd date when you know there is long term potential. Knowing that you found a person with potential that you like AND dating other people is simply morally wrong to me. That's just me. Someone following that kind of a program = automatic turn off/deal breaker for me.
reinventmyself Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I have tried this. Not this particular program but dating more than one. It is NOT in my nature and my nature happens to go against dating more than one person at a time but I pushed myself to try it. It's challenging and exhausting. But much like you touched on it does prevent you from becoming attached to one particular person and I will say when I wasn't attached to an outcome I was perceived as a little more attractive in a sense. I was much more easy going (tho tired) and probably a little more fun to be around. It's almost a subconscious vibe you give off to the other person. As opposed to focusing on particular person and wondering they are going to be your `forever after' I've just recently started dating again and no I don't have the energy to date multiple people and I won't be doing so. But what I learned by doing so is to still have that `not get overly attached' mindset and I practice living in the moment while dating. After all that is the by product of Multi Dating. You can have the by product without necessarily putting yourself thru having to juggle multiple people. Unless you enjoy that sorta thing. . then go for it! And the 3 month part. . uhhm. . not necessarily. You determine your own timing
greta96 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 If a guy I was dating was also dating others at the same time as me, I would not make it to 3 months with him lol... By the same token, I would never be able to date others for 3 months if I truly liked someone. So, this concept would never work for me. I am able not to get clingy all on my own, by living my own life, I don't need to date others to keep myself distracted.
notalady Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I've never read this program but I dated multiple people (no sex of course!) until I agree to be exclusive with one person. Keeping your options open helps keep things in perspective and help avoid a shortage mentality (i.e. I have no other options so better ignore the red flags and keep holding onto this one!) 3 months sounds ridiculous though. The most I'd do it is up to 8 dates (between one to two months). Truth is when you really found one person you like, and that feeling seems to be mutual, you just become less inclined to go on other dates anyway. So it works itself out.
DepthOfField Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'm going to comment on this since this is something I'm EXTREMELY passionate about ... Dating multiple people can be VERY counter-productive if the goal is a long-term relationship. It's one thing to get to know multiple people at once (IE online dating, going on multiple first dates in a short period of time) which I personally think is fine, but if you've been on 3,4,5 or more dates with someone and STILL feel the need to date others to "shop around for the best deal" ... I'm sorry, but you're denying the fact that you're just not into that person. When you're INTO someone, you shouldn't feel the need to date others. If you do, you're stringing them along because you love the attention, and denying the lack of chemistry which subsequent dates/more time spent together isn't going to change.. How many couples that are happily married have said "Yeah, I was dating my husband/wife, along with 3 others at first. It took me a couple months before I decided that he/she's the one". Here's a quote from a great article I've recently read: "Another problem with multiple dating is that multiple daters don't devote the emotional energy and time that is needed to enable a courtship to develop. We strongly believe that if a courtship seems promising, the partners should concentrate their energies into getting to know each other well and building an emotional connection. Life is distracting enough; another dating partner in the picture is too distracting and confusing."
Andrina Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 If two people have strong chemistry, the holding hands and kissing will happen pretty quickly. When dating, I never felt comfortable doing this with more than one guy, and I liked to date guys who were on the same page as me. I didn't want to feel like I was in a beauty pageant and shouting, "Pick me!" I wanted to see where the relationship could lead without outside interference. It it didn't work out, at least we tried (or at least one of us did, until one or both decided on incompatibility). If it did, it was good for as long as it was good, whether it be a year or forever.
kara025 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 I have tried this. Not this particular program but dating more than one. It is NOT in my nature and my nature happens to go against dating more than one person at a time but I pushed myself to try it. It's challenging and exhausting. But much like you touched on it does prevent you from becoming attached to one particular person and I will say when I wasn't attached to an outcome I was perceived as a little more attractive in a sense. I was much more easy going (tho tired) and probably a little more fun to be around. It's almost a subconscious vibe you give off to the other person. As opposed to focusing on particular person and wondering they are going to be your `forever after' This really hit it on the head for me! I'm only speaking for myself but I do tend to get 'infatuated' fairly early on (whether it is warranted or not) and I think this type of dating promotes (for me at least) a healthier approach to dating (being in the present, not being attached to outcomes). I'm not saying that I would be intimate with three different guys! But this approach would allow me to take the longer view in dating and getting to really know someone before becoming exclusive or committed.
kara025 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 This can happen on 1st or 3rd date. But usually the mark is 2nd, because by that time you know VERY well if there is even the slightest chance of long term relationship with the person. Once you know that, you lay off other dates. The "official" rule is, until you are "exclusive", to me that happens NATURALLY by 2nd date when you know there is long term potential. Knowing that you found a person with potential that you like AND dating other people is simply morally wrong to me. WHOA. I'm mostly doing online dating and for me I do not feel like I know jack squat about the person by the SECOND date to know if I want anything long term. The first date is usually a "hey you are a real person/not psycho" coffee date or walk around the park. By the second date, I'm just STARTING to get to know who they are and not even evaluating potential! I find that it usually takes me at least 5 dates to start to evaluate longer term potential! Of course, your approach would make more sense if you already knew the person for a while...
kara025 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 It's one thing to get to know multiple people at once (IE online dating, going on multiple first dates in a short period of time) which I personally think is fine, but if you've been on 3,4,5 or more dates with someone and STILL feel the need to date others to "shop around for the best deal" ... I'm sorry, but you're denying the fact that you're just not into that person. When you're INTO someone, you shouldn't feel the need to date others. If you do, you're stringing them along because you love the attention, and denying the lack of chemistry which subsequent dates/more time spent together isn't going to change.. How many couples that are happily married have said "Yeah, I was dating my husband/wife, along with 3 others at first. It took me a couple months before I decided that he/she's the one". But how many of those couples STAY married? Just because you "knew" some person had potential doesn't mean that the feeling changes? The divorce rate in our country is quite high, afterall. Wouldn't taking more time to get to know someone before becoming exclusive/committed be more prudent? I would honestly feel quite confident about the long term viability of a relationship if a guy was dating multiple women and decided that I was the best fit for him!
kara025 Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Thanks for all the interesting discussion so far, folks! Keep em coming
Fudgie Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I don't believe there is natural/set rule on when exclusivity begins. That's why it's always good to talk about it and see what the other person thinks. After the first meet with my current boyfriend, I decided that while I wasn't sure about LTR potential, I wanted to focus on getting to know him and I got rid of my profile. He did the same. That being said, I don't multi-date. It's just not for me. I'd rather focus my time on getting to know one person and I'll find out quickly if they are worth my time or not. I am definitely not clingy in my relationships. Actually, I have a bad habit of being kind of aloof and I tend to withdraw when I am upset so I can lick my wounds alone. So honestly, you want to be somewhere in the middle, not clingy but not withdrawing either. I don't think that's related to multi dating. I think that's related to your general attitude about dating/men. Feeling like "Okay, if this doesn't work out, toss that f'in fish back and cast your line again".
notalady Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 WHOA. I'm mostly doing online dating and for me I do not feel like I know jack squat about the person by the SECOND date to know if I want anything long term. The first date is usually a "hey you are a real person/not psycho" coffee date or walk around the park. By the second date, I'm just STARTING to get to know who they are and not even evaluating potential! I find that it usually takes me at least 5 dates to start to evaluate longer term potential! Of course, your approach would make more sense if you already knew the person for a while... Agree with this. I think it's as simple as, I will go on as many dates with someone as it takes to feel comfortable that I know them ENOUGH to know I want to get to know them further, exclusively, to see if we can be in a long term relationship and more. Before I make that decision, I'm free to go on other dates. I find that helps me staying objective and better at identifying red flags at this early stage. I also find it harder to end things if red flags are identified after being exclusive with someone compared to before exclusivity, because it is a level of commitment to me, it's not a commitment that I give lightly, especially before I feel like I know enough about the person to offer this commitment, nor would I take it away lightly.
reinventmyself Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 WHOA. I'm mostly doing online dating and for me I do not feel like I know jack squat about the person by the SECOND date to know if I want anything long term. The first date is usually a "hey you are a real person/not psycho" coffee date or walk around the park. By the second date, I'm just STARTING to get to know who they are and not even evaluating potential! I find that it usually takes me at least 5 dates to start to evaluate longer term potential! Of course, your approach would make more sense if you already knew the person for a while... agreed! . .
j.man Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 To each their own. Some people don't like multi-dating. Who am I to say they're doing it wrong? Personally, I'm not exclusive until we explicitly agree to be exclusive, and that won't be date #1, #2, #3, or even #4. Just because I'm not exclusive doesn't mean on I'm my 4th date with another woman, though. I'm pretty cut-throat when it comes to not seeing someone I'm not digging anymore. I don't do the whole, "Well, the first date wasn't that great, maybe the second date will be OK" thing. I've got better things to fill my time with and dating people I don't feel chemistry with isn't high on my list of hobbies. But even as an unabashed "multi-dater," I'd never date more than one woman one month, let alone three. Unless you're just looking for NSAs, I don't see the point.
PH Suite Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 As a busy, successful man, I have no interest in dating multiple women. Quality over quantity, and one is difficult enough. If you're a woman and getting a slew of attention and free meals and activities because the guys are paying, maybe that's different but it's still not moral or worthwhile.
catfeeder Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I like the premise, but I'm not interested enough to research a rigid program. I like the idea of setting up multiple dates to screen people, and to continue doing this even if you meet one person you'd like to continue seeing. I'd probably continue meeting others even while dating the one you like until you learn where you want to stand--and where you actually stand--with that person. Length of time? I guess that depends on how often you see one another. If you find yourselves jumping right into to marathon dates and mega contact, that would be a red flag--but who's going to stop you from doing that? It's not against the law, it's just not smart. So I guess the idea is to keep yourself focused on meeting new people and busy enough to juggle multi-dates so you won't fall into the 'too much and too soon' trap. If you find yourself unable to avoid that through a more casual approach, then maybe following a rigid program would have it's place.
greta96 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I would honestly feel quite confident about the long term viability of a relationship if a guy was dating multiple women and decided that I was the best fit for him! See, this is where I find the biggest flaw in this train of thought (not yours specifically, just the multi dating trend in general): how do you know the guy really decided that you were the best for him? 1. Best case scenario, let's say this statement is true, and a guy was dating 3-4 women, you being one of them, and 3 months later he chose you. You need to remember it was a choice between 4 women, not an infinite number of women. Over the course of the years, he will meet dozens more women, and quite a few of those he's bound to like much more than you. So just because you're the best in the moment, out of a very limited number of women in the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean you'll be the best forever (sad but true). 2. How do you really know that he truly chose you? Of course, that's what he's going to tell you, and it will feel like that, like you "won" something, but in reality, it could be that the other 2-3 women gave him the boot, even if he did like one or 2 of them more than you. Take me for example. If I know a guy is dating multiple women alongside me, do you really think I would stay with him for 3 months, for him to make up his mind? God no. I know my value and if a guy doesn't see it within say 2-3 weeks, I'm out, and he's free to date as many women as he wishes - just not me. So just because he stays with you at the end of those 3 probationary months doesn't mean squat, really. You falsely think you won him, when the reality could be that you were the only one left for him to settle for. 3. For a serious, successful relationship to develop, you need a solid starting foundation. Dating various people at the beginning of the relationship, for 3 months, that sweet period of time that's supposed to be the "honeymoon period", ruins the very concept of romanticism and the eagerness to explore one another. All it does is speed up processes that should never be sped up, and it's a sign of the modern times, where it's all about efficiency and time saving. I could go on and on, because I too am very passionate about this subject, but I will just leave it at that.
notalady Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 See, this is where I find the biggest flaw in this train of thought (not yours specifically, just the multi dating trend in general): how do you know the guy really decided that you were the best for him? 1. Best case scenario, let's say this statement is true, and a guy was dating 3-4 women, you being one of them, and 3 months later he chose you. You need to remember it was a choice between 4 women, not an infinite number of women. Over the course of the years, he will meet dozens more women, and quite a few of those he's bound to like much more than you. So just because you're the best in the moment, out of a very limited number of women in the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean you'll be the best forever (sad but true). 2. How do you really know that he truly chose you? Of course, that's what he's going to tell you, and it will feel like that, like you "won" something, but in reality, it could be that the other 2-3 women gave him the boot, even if he did like one or 2 of them more than you. Take me for example. If I know a guy is dating multiple women alongside me, do you really think I would stay with him for 3 months, for him to make up his mind? God no. I know my value and if a guy doesn't see it within say 2-3 weeks, I'm out, and he's free to date as many women as he wishes - just not me. So just because he stays with you at the end of those 3 probationary months doesn't mean squat, really. You falsely think you won him, when the reality could be that you were the only one left for him to settle for. 3. For a serious, successful relationship to develop, you need a solid starting foundation. Dating various people at the beginning of the relationship, for 3 months, that sweet period of time that's supposed to be the "honeymoon period", ruins the very concept of romanticism and the eagerness to explore one another. All it does is speed up processes that should never be sped up, and it's a sign of the modern times, where it's all about efficiency and time saving. I could go on and on, because I too am very passionate about this subject, but I will just leave it at that. I don't know where you got the 3 months from, I never saw the OP mention that? Maybe I missed it. I think we need to firstly clarify what multi dating mean to each person. I see a few different interpretations here and none are wrong, yet seem to be in disagreement. I would never multi date for 3 months. I've never multi dated the way you described. I mean I would give it 1-2 months to get to know someone. I'm not interested to know if he's also going on other dates, I wouldn't even ask. So I don't really care if he's meeting with 2 or 3 or 10 women or just me. All I care about is he is putting in the appropriate effort to get to know me in person and is genuine, I'll be looking out for red flags, etc. Similarly, I don't think it's his business either to ask me who I'm dating. I might go on a first meet or two or even a few dates with one other person during this time, but if all goes well, it's more than likely that I'm not interested in going on other dates. That's how multi dating works for me. I would not date two or three people at the same time for an extended period of time like months. After this time, and before sex, which for me usually happens somewhere between 1-2 months, I would have the exclusivity talk. If that's established, then we're officially exclusive and no more keeping options open. With my current boyfriend, it was 5 weeks (9 dates). 2-3 weeks it would've been 2-4 dates. That's way too short for me to become exclusive. I might like him and think he seems nice, and maybe feel attracted to him, but know f all about him to know if I want to keep dating him at that stage. To your points though, #1 well that can equally happen if you dated just each other at first and he come across someone else "better" later on. Just because you were the best available at the time (and quite possibly the only one available at the time) and so he only dated you, doesn't mean he chose you for the right reasons. I think this point is a wash because it can happen in any instance regardless of whether you became exclusive right away or dated different people. Regarding #2, well I've never had this kind of conversation before. I would be uncomfortable and probably offended if a guy tells me he's dating multiple women and I won, like I should be grateful or something, wth? I'm always wary if a guy tells me about his other options and other dates, it's highly inappropriate and rude, I would question what's his intentions by telling me this, make me "compete"? Or trying to prove something? Aside from that, dating is always a choice, you chose this person and not the others you might have met just before or maybe even after him. The guy doesn't need to tell me they chose me over others and neither would I tell him that, you just do it. If the reason for this choice is not genuine (eg I'm only good-for-now, or he's just afraid to be alone and any women will do), then it's going to be revealed soon enough in his actions. I agree with #3.
James516 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I did Google the auther - she is cashing in with multiple books and has the Today Show for a platform to get known. Good for her. Dating is a nice industry for easy book profits for those with a great gift of gab - just put together a bunch of ideas, add some terminology, credentials and statistics to make it sound legiit, and elaborate enough to fill a book. Nothing has to be proven, so just make it sound simple. Everyone has had bad experiences in dating so there is a large market for dating/relationship topics, and this country is used to... and craves.... the quick-fix, formula mentality. But I'll shorten my book to be just 2 sentences: To each their own. Every person you meet will be an individual with unique backgrounds and preferences that effect their current dating lives, so go with whatever style that works for you.
greta96 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I don't know where you got the 3 months from, I never saw the OP mention that? Maybe I missed it. It was in the study/article (I didn't read it, but I saw 3 months were referenced)
faraday Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 If you love someone, let them go...if they come back, let them go again- because no one else liked them. I think about all the people on the boards that get really upset about someone they went on 2-3 dates with disappearing...and I think, those people should be multi dating. If you don't get over invested...do whatever works for you *shrugs*
DepthOfField Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 If you love someone, let them go...if they come back, let them go again- because no one else liked them. Is it just me, or is this the most stupid thing I've ever read?
Blue Spiral Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Is it just me, or is this the most stupid thing I've ever read? Ahh, the joys of social proof. By faraday's logic, everyone should be going after married people, since someone liked them enough to marry them...
faraday Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Is it just me, or is this the most stupid thing I've ever read? It's a "joke". Do you know about them?
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