Breakup - not bad but memory is killing me

[MC26]

My BF and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We talked and decided to break up after 4 years because we don't think that we are the one for each other to spend the rest of our life with. I didn't cry and not even trying to have him back because I know he have changed and our relationship has no spark anymore. We both go NC at all then I cried the next night, just 1 time, that's it; I cried 1 time only. Somehow it feel like it's not as bad as I thought it was. I am not even waiting for him to contact and I don't even think about getting back at all. But what is killing me is that every time I thought of all these good memories together, then I started to feel sad. Well, 4 years together we went through a lot together (tough times and good times), but I just don't know why I am only feeling unhappy when I think of the good times. I do love him and I just don't know why maybe I am lying to myself and trying to be strong to hide all the sadness? As far as I know, if I don't think of him, I don't feel the pain at all. So seems like what make me unhappy is memory and thinking of the time not having him by my side cuz we used to do things together.Why is that? anyone know?

 

At first, I thought 4 years together, after break-up I'll be hurt like going hell or something, but I am trying to make myself happy every day and my co-workers don't even know or feel like I am going through a break-up. Not sure If I am forcing myself to be happy or is it really not that a big matter as long as memories don't flash back. Really afraid that I am trying to be strong but then collapsed suddenly.

 

Going through a break-up but not feel as bad as it is, good thing or a bad thing?

[DoF]

GREAT THING. Seems like you are a smart/mature and a great person to me!

 

You just discovered one of the most powerful build in tools we posses as humans. MIND DIVERSION (I'm sure there is a more scientific/proper name for it). That's what I call it. It's been a great tool in my life.

 

Some people (like you) have it naturally/by default. People like me (most people) need to practice it to make it better/stronger before they can fully use it.

 

As you said it yourself, the theme here is "things are as big of a deal or as small of a deal as WE make them". You are simply deflecting the thoughts that come to your mind proper, putting them to bed, not dwelling on them......brushing them off.......You make them into NOTHING.

 

Many people dwell on these thoughts, dig deeper, curl up into corner, get depressed and it's like a never ending domino effect. I think of it as sabotaging yourself and healing/recovery. Many NEVER ever heal as they never end that cycle.

 

For those that don't have this mechanism that you seem to posses (like me). I usually recommend practice practice practice. If you do it in time and be consistent, thoughts will disappear from your mind as fast as they appear. That's what seems to happen with me as I practice.

 

I think what REALLY helps you is the fact that there was no spark and it kind of made things easier on you. So just keep doing what you are doing and deflect those "happy time" thoughts.......and certainly give it plenty of time to heal (3-6 months I usually recommend) before you date again or even contact any opposite sex all together.

[Feast]

The circumstances of the break up really is more important than the time you were together IMO. It sounds like you drove the relationship as far as you possibly could and there was no where to go with it. A mutual decision to break up, or maybe you drove the break-up more, that helps. I find the regrets that if I had done this or that, then it could have worked, much harder to deal with, it doesnt sound like you have that so much in this break-up. Mind diversion is good, I think your on the right path for now. You can do mind diversion too long though and you end up not dealing with your problems, but for now dont worry about that, your break-up is way to fresh, just stay on your path for now.

[MC26]

GREAT THING. Seems like you are a smart/mature and a great person to me!

 

You just discovered one of the most powerful build in tools we posses as humans. MIND DIVERSION (I'm sure there is a more scientific/proper name for it). That's what I call it. It's been a great tool in my life.

 

Some people (like you) have it naturally/by default. People like me (most people) need to practice it to make it better/stronger before they can fully use it.

 

As you said it yourself, the theme here is "things are as big of a deal or as small of a deal as WE make them". You are simply deflecting the thoughts that come to your mind proper, putting them to bed, not dwelling on them......brushing them off.......You make them into NOTHING.

 

Many people dwell on these thoughts, dig deeper, curl up into corner, get depressed and it's like a never ending domino effect. I think of it as sabotaging yourself and healing/recovery. Many NEVER ever heal as they never end that cycle.

 

For those that don't have this mechanism that you seem to posses (like me). I usually recommend practice practice practice. If you do it in time and be consistent, thoughts will disappear from your mind as fast as they appear. That's what seems to happen with me as I practice.

 

I think what REALLY helps you is the fact that there was no spark and it kind of made things easier on you. So just keep doing what you are doing and deflect those "happy time" thoughts.......and certainly give it plenty of time to heal (3-6 months I usually recommend) before you date again or even contact any opposite sex all together.

 

Hello DoF,

Thank YOU so much for your great reply! And appreciated those CAP WORDS in your post which make me feel so relieved now.

 

I am feeling so much better as I was afraid that I am just deceiving myself to ease the pain. But after reading your post, I feel totally different, yes, I am making myself stronger and I had been telling myself that Break-up is sad but it's not a BIG deal, it's not the end of the world. I am not going to let these thoughts keep dragging on but will try to put them into "Memories" (which I may think of once in awhile and smile then let go, cuz everyone has good and bad memories in life).

 

Agreeing with you that things got easier maybe I don't see the spark between us and also we both had a hard time to figure out whether or not we want to spend our life together. And I believe that if you meet the right person you wouldn't have to think but know right away if he/she is the one. That's one of the reasons why I didn't want to get back at all even 4 years is a very long time that we both put into this relationship, but not seeing a point of keep on waiting and waiting. I just feel like I am at the mature age where I am wanting to settle down, therefore, I don't want to waste any more time on waiting while he is not even know what he want yet.

 

Thanks! like you said I'll keep on doing what I am doing right now and give time to heal.

[MC26]

The circumstances of the break up really is more important than the time you were together IMO. It sounds like you drove the relationship as far as you possibly could and there was no where to go with it. A mutual decision to break up, or maybe you drove the break-up more, that helps. I find the regrets that if I had done this or that, then it could have worked, much harder to deal with, it doesnt sound like you have that so much in this break-up. Mind diversion is good, I think your on the right path for now. You can do mind diversion too long though and you end up not dealing with your problems, but for now dont worry about that, your break-up is way to fresh, just stay on your path for now.

 

Thank you for the post! it's so true that I was the person who had been keep on trying and trying my best to save this relationship, but at this point I am partially gave up and I think that's what it makes this break-up a little easier. For some reasons, I even feel a little relax after the break-up and do anything I wanted to do. Don't get me wrong, I was happy in this relationship, it's just sometimes that I feel like I have done a lot just to make him happy and been waiting for him to commit. I was so falling into him and I would do anything just to make it works. But if I have to give out so much and he still doesn't know what he want then I guess we are not for each other, I have no choice but let go.

 

Thanks again for your post and I'll keep myself on the path.

[MC26]

Update today:

 

Just got a text from my ex and feeling a little irritated/ached. I haven't even think of him for a whole day, but getting a text from him making me not happy. He didn't text me anything related to our relationship, just some stuffs between us still need to be taken care of since we been together for a while. It's not a good feeling to be honest, but trying my best to get through and not to think about it, so I am writing it out here, hope it makes me feel a little better. He is using very polite words in the text which gave me a feeling of distance. But I guess that's how it is, when you are together, you can say or do anything you want, even texting incomplete sentence is fine; but when you are separated, we just have to be very careful when choosing words to use.

 

I had been trying very hard to stay NC, but can't avoid getting text sometimes since there are still stuffs need to be taken care of.

 

Telling myself, stay STRONG, I can do it!!!

[JoyfulCompany]

MC26, I don't know if my entry can be of any use to you, but anyway, I'll share it.

 

Me and my ex broke up for similar reasons and around the same mark as you and yours. What I felt at first was a huge relief - no more "should I stay or should I go" questions. I was excited to go my separate way, because of the exhaustion of trying to make it work. I kept myself very busy with my job, looking for a new place to live and even had a brief rebound. I didn't feel any sadness - after all, it was the right thing to do. I wondered if me feeling good was because I had actually been going through the whole grieving process for an year, getting more and more used to the idea we were not going to be together for too much more (our last year was very bumpy and we almost broke up on two occasions)... or because I was finally the mature person I always wanted to be, capable to walk out of a relationship with wisdom and not drama.

 

I'll try not to go into much details. First time I broke into pieces after we broke up was when I went to my old place (where me and my ex lived pretty happy together for almost 3 years) to take the rest of my stuff. As I was stepping over the threshold, I was flooded by memories and emotions and disgracefully cried the whole freaking two hours. I fell into some dark hole and needed around two weeks to recover after (being aware of it and trying actively to cope!).

 

Since then I have thought of my past relationship every day, in the moments my mind is not occupied with something else. Analysing. Being sad. Being grateful. Missing. Wishing him the best. Feeling guilt for the mistakes I made and I didn't see then. Sometimes smiling, sometimes crying. Realising, as full of issues this relationship was, there was some genuine love, I have never felt before and this being a precious thing.

 

I think, as in everything else in life, one should try to balance. I try to go out and have fun, thus pushing the thoughts away. But I also take the time and allow myself to grief. Honestly, right now it feels like a thick fog is covering the road ahead of me. I don't have many options but to try to place one foot in front of the other and observe. I don't know what comes next. I have good days and bad days. But at least it feels like dealing with the loss, unlike the way it felt at the beginning. We ended on good terms and are in low contact. I can assure you, that seeing him (2-3 times), as much as I wanted it to happen then, took me several steps back each time. So, for me, it turned out as a bad idea. (Dating casually, too, but I won't talk about it right now.)

 

As a conclusion, I will add that it has been around 4.5 months since we broke up (2.5 since we don't live together) and I don't feel healed yet.

 

The point of sharing my experience is not to be a bad messenger, preaching how it is going to be with you soon. No. It may or may not turn out like that for you.

The point is, sometimes there are surprising turns, but whatever way it all unfolds, you can do it. Don't be hard on yourself if you are able to let it go easily or the opposite - if it feels impossible to overcome at times. It is what it is.

 

Have love and patience for yourself! I salute you for being mature and taking the steps towards your happiness. It's not easy to get out of a relatively happy long-term relationship.

And, please, keep us updated! I will be glad to hear from someone going through such a similar situation as me!

[MC26]

Here is the update. (will keep on updating the process of my healing journey)

First time meeting him again after 3 weeks break up.

 

It was OK. We didn't really talk about anything, just some quick short words regarding the paperwork. I signed the paper and left, returned his stuffs to him, and that's it. I told myself it's OK, it's all GOOD. I am feeling pretty comfortable seeing him, but seems like he is not really comfortable and didn't look into my eyes when he talked to me. Sometimes, I want to tell him that we can still be friends even now we are not together, I don't hate him or anything, but I am afraid that he may thought I want to keep contact, so I rather not say anything at all just to make him feel better because I know he feel it's his fault for breaking up.

 

To be honest, I tried my best to show that I am fine without him. I did feel sad and want to know how is he doing, but then I didn't ask him about anything; even though he seems having a cold, I didn't even ask if he is sick because I don't want him to misunderstand that I still care.

 

To conclude, seeing him did make me think about him, but I stay strong and remind myself that I need to move on. So, I will keep my NC rule, and will never have any thought of getting back and been always telling myself that "I DESERVE BETTER" and I don't want him back because he didn't make me happy; he really did made me worry more than happy, so I will find a man who will make me laugh and happy every day, find a man who is willing to be in a committed relationship, but not keep making me waiting and waiting.

[MC26]

I once also realized that I should have ended this relationship long time ago, I don't know why we have been hold on to it until now. I think because I love him so my mind wasn't clear enough to notice or I was wanted to be with him so all I care is being with him, but neglected some other components in this relationship. But now, since we can't get together any longer and already separated, I started to look back sometimes and then kind of figure out why this relationship doesn't work out. I am not heal yet, but I know where I need heading toward to. I feel lonely sometimes, but I will see it as taking a break, let myself refresh. Time will heal everything. keep it up, yah.