AutumnLS Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I am broken. How can I fix myself? I just want to know how. I am so tired of never feeling good enough. Never feeling like the things I say or do are right. Never knowing what mood you’re going to be in today. I am so scared to be alone. Not because I feel I need someone, but because I am scared I don’t know who I am anymore. You changed me. I will never forgive you for that. You have made me feel so small and inadequate more times than a person should feel like in their entire lifetime in a mere year. How can a person claim to love you so much but make you feel like every ounce of what makes you you is completely wrong and weird? Love is the worst experience ever. See they leave that bit out, or if they do tell you, the pain is sugar coated. They never tell you about the heartache faced, the pain, all the tears cried, all the sleepless nights when your mind runs wild. They never let you know that. I think that’s the worst part about being in love. It is the biggest contradiction known to man. It is awful and leaves you feeling things you never knew were even humanly possible. Yes sometimes those out of body, unexplainable feelings are the most magnificent you will ever experience, however as love can be described as a contradiction, it should be known it can also ruin you. I wholeheartedly hoped that love would never feel like the latter. I almost convinced myself that it didn’t, but then you experience it and that soon changes. I wish I could tell you that it is always rainbows and butterflies but it isn’t. Sometimes, yes. Other times, no. I hate her and I love her. How can a person make you feel so high on love yet the lowest of lows? She finds a way. She holds the power. And she knows it. I am so lost.
dave_1966 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 You've only ended up feeling like this because you've allowed yourself to. Nobody's well being is determined by another person, and the sooner you pick yourself up off the floor the better you'll feel about your life in general. Your current mindset makes you unattractive to this woman, and any other women you meet in your day to day life. If you can remember how you were when you met this woman and the mindset that attracted her to you it will be a good starting point to return to. Once you achieve this, make sure you never lose sight of it again.
ParisPaulette Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'm sorry you're hurting. And it sounds like you ended up with someone who was emotionally abusive to you. To that degree please keep in mind you can fall in love with someone who hides their true nature until they are sure of your feelings and then they let the mask drop. And that sounds like maybe what happened to you, you thought he was wonderful, you fell, he let the mask drop. Because no one who si a good person, a truly good person, does what he did someone they profess to love. Please remember that, the issue is with him, not you. A good person, one who really loved you would not do those things of you. What you describe isn't really love at all. It's abuse. You didn't see the red flags and you didn't think or didn't accept that you could walk away even yes while still in love, if he turned out not to be the person you thought he was and he wasn't going to treat you right. To that end getting some help, some therapy or a person to talk to, to focusing on putting yourself together and to realize of course we are all flawed. We're human. It's just that anyone truly worth having in your life loves you regardless and doesn't say or do things that hurt you or make you feel like less of yourself. True love enhances your life, but at the same time it is fully up to you to enhance your own life, to choose who goes in your life and who stays based on what they bring to you and your life. To realize that your own happiness comes from within you first and foremost and others share that, but if they mistreat you that you are free to show them to the door, to cry and grieve and then heal and move on. You deserve better, you deserve real love. And deep down, I think you know that. Hugs and good luck, it will be okay. Time does heal the wound, take this lesson, learn to love yourself first and realize you have a total say in how others treat you. And that love by itself on your end is not enough reason to stay when someone treats you badly. You're free now, it's time to rebuild your life. You can do it.
melancholy123 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Love is not a horrible experience. If you really believe it is, then you were with the wrong person. True love with another is absolutely wonderful.
ThatwasThen Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 We must have good personal boundaries in place so that we have the confidence and love of self enough to be able to quickly leave someone that makes us feel the way that person made you feel. LOVE is NEVER enough reason to stay with someone. Are you the dumper or the dumpee? I hope you had the good sense of self worth and those personal boundaries in place to be the dumper.If you were not, then that alone is a good reason to get personal therapy and read everything you can on the importance of personal boundaries. I'm sorry you're hurting too but don't let it over-take you. Don't let anyone continue to screw you over by abusing your thoughts and thereby keeping you mired in this pain you describe in your opening post.
thejigsup Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You allowed love to become this. Own it. Learn and move on. At the first put-down, most women leave. That's not love. I repeat: THAT'S NOT LOVE. Love is patient, kind, caring, and giving. You allowed this to happen by not stopping it when it started.
catfeeder Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 When you hand your power over to someone else, you victimize your Self. You can blame another person all you want, but that's only a loop of phantom pain. You can reclaim your power whenever you want. It's a decision.
AutumnLS Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Thank you for your response, I truly am so appreciative. You haven't blamed me for what has happened, which is how I feel many of the responses have. Thank you. The guidance and kind words mean more to me than you will ever know. It is like you completely understand me without even knowing me.
ParisPaulette Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You're welcome. I know it may seem like some of the responses are harsh, but people do mean well for you. We are each in our own way actually encouraging you to move forward and take your own life into your own two hands and go up from the bottom. I just saw what I saw, quite possibly because I worked at a women's shelter for years in L.A. So yes, I understand totally how rough it can be to move on from an abusive relationship. And how subtle it can be until you're caught in the middle of it and don't really know how you got there. And I can tell you that you can have a better tomorrow. The power lies within you and I hope you find a full and happy life ahead of you. Take care, remember that love is itself not a bad thing at all. It depends largely on who you bestow that love on and that sometimes takes a life lesson or two before you find who those right people may be. Certainly that was my case more than once and in the end I was able to walk away, heal my own heart and life, and move forward to better. And you can too. Take care.
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