shoebaby1 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I will be 35 years old next year, I have been at my job for about 5 years and for the past few years since my co workers know that I am not married with children they constantly make comments that they "feel bad for me". What the heck? They say that I'm going to be lonely when I get older because I won't have anyone. It really bothers me when I think about it for some reason and then I get mad. What the heck. Do her comments make any sense? To me they don't but then I start really thinking about it and I just feel like is she right...and even if she is I feel its rude! I keep my life private but I have been asked if I have kids and I say no...and then they start carrying on about their own kids and husbands. I wish I would have never said anything but sometimes its hard because we all work together and we talk sometime. Ugh idk. Thanks for reading!
Seraphim Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 You have a right to live your life anyway you please. And tell her she has no need to feel sorry for you because you're living the life you want to live.
shellyf62 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 That person is extremely rude to say those things to you. You might have be rude back, to the point of saying that you want her to stop discussing your private life, it is none of her concern, and that you are very happy the way you are.
shoebaby1 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 thank you, she also says that I won't have anyone to take care of me when I'm old. Sorta like any family and I will basically be in a group home or something? Good lord. Its just so rude.
melancholy123 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Oh to hell with what others think! You live your life how you please! I have a friend who is 60 and she never married or had kids. Her brother and sister have kids so she's got plenty of nieces and nephews. She has never beaten herself up about not being married or had kids. She says she can spoil the kids and then send them home and her life is her own. She had a great career, she travels, works part time, does her own thing her way. Her life is full and I believe her when she says she doesnt regret it. People need to mind their own business!
RelaxByWater84 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I have two cousins that have never married. I think one is in her 40s and the other is in her 50s and they don't seem to be lonely all the time. They are very outgoing. They lead full, productive lives despite not having married or have kids. One is a teacher so the kids in her classroom are her kids. I think as long as you have a good social life you will not be lonely. Plus marriage and kids are not for everyone and that is ok.
ThatwasThen Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Tell her "Well, according to statistics, chances are very high that your marriage won't last until 'Death do you part' so you may very well end up alone when you die as well. Surely you don't want to burden your children with your care?" Then just say "see you later" and walk away.
sleepingdonut Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I'm not sure I'd recommend being rude back, but if you were going to, you could always say, "Just think about how bad you'll feel if one of your kids dies from cancer or in a car accident. I'll never have to deal with that, thankfully." Probably the best idea is to just ignore her, though.
Seraphim Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 The thing is people shouldn't be having their children to " look after them when they are old."
shoebaby1 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 The thing is people shouldn't be having their children to " look after them when they are old." thats basically what I said and left it that. Sometimes I can't stand how unprofessional my co workers are. They are just weird sometimes and really inappropriate.
Moontiger Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 thats basically what I said and left it that. Sometimes I can't stand how unprofessional my co workers are. They are just weird sometimes and really inappropriate. I would reply to them saying that they feel "bad" for you by, in a completely innocent voice, saying "That's a very strang thing to say to a coworker." If they continue you say "I'm happy with my life choices. I'm confused as to why you are so focused on this." Basically, you, by being completely polite and rational make it very uncomfortable for them.
kathy679 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I'm also getting older with no kids or husband. There is nothing wrongoing with that at all as I'm sure you will agree. What your co worker is saying is inappropriate and if it bothers you that much I would keep a record of it to take to human resources if needs be
shellyf62 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 It is really difficult working with a lot of women, and I know how cliquey & rude they can be. I honestly think you need to say something to make them realise it is a subject that you will no longer discuss with them. Just be firm and tell them that this subject is closed. If they try to bring it up again, be firm again, to the point of walking away if they continue. Hopefully they will get the message.
Seraphim Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Hoping that your kids will look after you when you are old is a really bad strategy move. Number one ,your child should be happy having their own life. #2 what if they don't want to look after you. Number three ,just because they're your child doesn't mean they have to. Number 4,what if you have a child with a disability ? You're looking after that child for the rest of your life. My child has autism and I will probably be helping him to live in the world for the rest of my existence. Even if he's independent he will still need support to be independent. So all these people who are thinking their children are going to look after them that's kind of nuts.
LC8328 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I would reply to them saying that they feel "bad" for you by, in a completely innocent voice, saying "That's a very strang thing to say to a coworker." If they continue you say "I'm happy with my life choices. I'm confused as to why you are so focused on this." Basically, you, by being completely polite and rational make it very uncomfortable for them. Great idea. This kind of reaction lets them know they're being inappropriate while putting up a 'wall' between you and them. Shuts them down.
j.man Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Download an air horn app on your phone and blast it right in her face whenever she comes up to you with a non-work related question or comment.
RelaxByWater84 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 It's a little inappropriate them saying this to you. Are your supervisors aware of this situation or are they a part of it?
greta96 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Omg I would have a field trip with those women lol. I am childless by choice, I just don't like kids and lack maternal instinct (there, I said it!). I have had some similar comments thrown my way, and I can tell you that you do need to shut them up. Not in a rude combative way, because you still have to work with them! Next time they say how sorry they feel for you, reply with a smile and just say "oh girl, I am the one who feels sorry for you, for all the bull$hit you must have to endure having a kid, and not having time for yourself". Make sure you make almost daily comments about how you have extra money to spend on yourself, since there's no kid to spend on, how you are able to go out with friends whenever you want and for how long you want, without worrying about finding a babysitter, and so on, you get the drift. OK, this always came easy to me because I am truly happy with my choice of not having kids and I do think I'm fortunate to have a stress free life, so if you do want to eventually have a kid and a husband you may find it more difficult, but trust me, after they saw my happiness and how I pitied them for having said kids, not even one female ever "felt bad for me" again lol. You don't have to take it, every single one of us is free to live our lives as we see fit, and sometimes kids are just not part of the plan. Who is to say not having one is bad, and why having one would be good? Why not the other way around? Nobody can make this call, the key is to be happy with what you have. And I have never heard a bigger amount of bull like saying you need to have kids so you have someone to care for you when you're old! Have they ever been in a retirement residence? Have they never heard old people complain that their kids never visit, never call, they are basically left to die there with no family to speak of? Plus, some of us live really far away from our parents. I love my mom to death, and I keep in touch daily by phone, but we are continents away, so how is having me helping her? If anything was to happen to her, it would take me a minimum of 2 days to get to her! Let's not go into the selfish aspect of wanting to have kids just to have someone to take care of them when they are old... It's funny how to them this is not selfish, but choosing not to have kids is, when in reality the opposite is true. Women who choose not to have kids are altruistic, not selfish. We know we lack maternal instincts and would perceive a kid as a weight dragging us back, we know we wouldn't be able to provide a child with the love and attention it needs - wouldn't it be more selfish to have it anyway? But no, we even take the risk of not having anyone care for us at the old age, only so we don't bring into the world a neglected kid. How is that selfish? I find it's usually the ignorant type of people who pass this kind of judgements...therefore, there's no need to spare their feelings, you can tell them freely that they are crossing lines and that they'd be better off minding their own businesses and removing their noses from your own.
shoebaby1 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Omg I would have a field trip with those women lol. I am childless by choice, I just don't like kids and lack maternal instinct (there, I said it!). I have had some similar comments thrown my way, and I can tell you that you do need to shut them up. Not in a rude combative way, because you still have to work with them! Next time they say how sorry they feel for you, reply with a smile and just say "oh girl, I am the one who feels sorry for you, for all the bull$hit you must have to endure having a kid, and not having time for yourself". Make sure you make almost daily comments about how you have extra money to spend on yourself, since there's no kid to spend on, how you are able to go out with friends whenever you want and for how long you want, without worrying about finding a babysitter, and so on, you get the drift. OK, this always came easy to me because I am truly happy with my choice of not having kids and I do think I'm fortunate to have a stress free life, so if you do want to eventually have a kid and a husband you may find it more difficult, but trust me, after they saw my happiness and how I pitied them for having said kids, not even one female ever "felt bad for me" again lol. You don't have to take it, every single one of us is free to live our lives as we see fit, and sometimes kids are just not part of the plan. Who is to say not having one is bad, and why having one would be good? Why not the other way around? Nobody can make this call, the key is to be happy with what you have. And I have never heard a bigger amount of bull like saying you need to have kids so you have someone to care for you when you're old! Have they ever been in a retirement residence? Have they never heard old people complain that their kids never visit, never call, they are basically left to die there with no family to speak of? Plus, some of us live really far away from our parents. I love my mom to death, and I keep in touch daily by phone, but we are continents away, so how is having me helping her? If anything was to happen to her, it would take me a minimum of 2 days to get to her! Let's not go into the selfish aspect of wanting to have kids just to have someone to take care of them when they are old... It's funny how to them this is not selfish, but choosing not to have kids is, when in reality the opposite is true. Women who choose not to have kids are altruistic, not selfish. We know we lack maternal instincts and would perceive a kid as a weight dragging us back, we know we wouldn't be able to provide a child with the love and attention it needs - wouldn't it be more selfish to have it anyway? But no, we even take the risk of not having anyone care for us at the old age, only so we don't bring into the world a neglected kid. How is that selfish? I find it's usually the ignorant type of people who pass this kind of judgements...therefore, there's no need to spare their feelings, you can tell them freely that they are crossing lines and that they'd be better off minding their own businesses and removing their noses from your own. thank you for this! I agree, I don't want to have kids, I'm pretty much 100% sure. I do want a meaningful relationship but kids...not so much. I have a guy who loves me and I love him and I just LOVE the fact that we get to have fun and go out and do whatever whenever and not worry about kids. Its so freeing and fun..idk for me it just is. I just hate how rude she was about it. So smug..laughing at me basically. ugh so annoying lol
Missed Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Ohh I can totally relate. I am in the same boat. I am 36 and only in the last few months made the decision not to have kids. My partner has a 12yo son (who he has full time) and he is plenty enough! We get to do all the fun family stuff and he's a good kid. I am exhausted when I look after friends children who are mostly all under 5, and I know I wouldn't want that now at my age. edited to add that I had never been maternal, just kind of thought if the right person came along I would have a child) Probably more so because most of my friends have kids. Although most of the comments I receive similar to what you received are mostly from close family. The odd person would say to me 'oh you need to have a baby'.. No thank you! I was very unwell a few years ago, major surgery etc etc. And my body has been through enough as it is.. I am fit, active and looking forward to travelling in a few years with my partner!
Fudgie Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I got some of this at work...once, LOL. I am childfree and not married. Whenever I hear "I feel sorry for you" I say "Why do you feel sorry for me? I get a good night's sleep, no children to take care of or feed, and I have more free time!". Take their pity and give it back to them. The women who are happy with their choice are not smug and condescending. Those that are usually have their own regrets, probably weren't ready to have kids or maybe figured out that it wasn't all rainbows and unicorn farts, and now they are sour grapes about people who are HAPPY with their lives, unlike them, so they put on airs. Ignore 'em.
Batya33 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Luckily I never got that rude a comment but I certainly can relate since I didn't get married/have a child till I was 42. They sound obnoxious and very unhappy/insecure.
ParisPaulette Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I'd say your coworker is probably jealous of your freedom and is simply doing the ol' put down the competition/person I wish I was routine. Next time she or any of your coworkers do that look the person dead in the eye and say, "Oh, don't feel sorry for me hon. I'm saving up all the money I'm not spending on kids right now to retire to Jamaica in my old age. I'll be laying on a beach somewhere sipping mojitos and hitting on every available male in sight. Or maybe I'll just wait to make sure I marry the right guy and have those kids later in life. These days we don't have to race out and get pregnant before we're out of high school, THANK GOD." Then chuckle and walk away. Guarantee the rude comments will stop. (P.S. I have three boys, they are not going to nurse me or take care of me when I'm old, and I guess I'll just have to figure out another way to get to that beach.) Seriously though I do feel sorry for their kids, I really do.
Batya33 Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I really wouldn't make any snarky comments back especially in a work situation. Not worth it. Just say "thanks for sharing -how about if I need your advice on marriage and kids I'll ask you, ok?"
Moontiger Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Great idea. This kind of reaction lets them know they're being inappropriate while putting up a 'wall' between you and them. Shuts them down. It also allows you to stay completely professional. If you respond with anger, sarcasm, etc it can make you look like the bad guy even when you're not. It's not fair but it's the way the world is.
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