Strange infatuation seems to grace the evening tide.

[Daydreamer0389]

Back in 2006 I had my first "no strings attached" hook up with a casual friend, who at the time had a girlfriend. I knew it was wrong, but I needed to feel wanted and at the time that's what he offered me. Before this encounter feelings between me and this person were non existent. Strictly friendship. Well, we hooked up once and it's all it took for me to spiral out of control with this infatuation. I realized I was incredibly attracted to him, he was my ideal guy. Big lips, messy hair, deep eyes, perfectly packaged. I was hooked, but also felt incredibly guilty. So I wrote his girlfriend at the time an anonymous letter detailing how her boyfriend was a cheater. (I was young - 16) well that unraveled and came back to me and as you could imagine we lost all ties. I didn't talk to him for YEARS. During this time he stayed with his girlfriend, and left our hometown. I was basically forced to move on, though I never really felt like I successfully did. I would often have reoccurring dreams about him. I was literally torturing myself. After about two years I learned how to distract my mind a little better, I met a boy who genuinely cared about me and we started a relationship.

 

8 years in I've spun so many webs I'm not sure what move to make next. The relationship I started with my current boyfriend was amazing, we had an instant bond, he moved in with me shortly after and things were great for the first couple of months, we were intimate often and it was great. Then a lot of other issues came up, on his part it was his temper, and need for control. I was insecure and insanely jealous. We started to constantly disrespect each other and it felt extremely toxic, but I chose to stay and make it work because regardless of all the bad times, being apart was impossible. He'd always come back and it was like our souls were magnetized. We've been working through things for the last of these couple of years but our intimate life is completely non existent now. I've never been the cheating type, but 5 years into our relationship I re connected with another old friend I had hooked up with. It was innocent, but we decided to meet up one day and his intentions were obvious. He kissed me and I let it happen, but it felt wrong and all I literally could talk about was my boyfriend. I felt incredibly guilty and We stopped before it went any further and I vowed to never put myself in that situation again.

 

I focused on myself, lost a lot of weight and felt confident again, I was learning to love myself and I was content with everything. And out of nowhere I get a notification on Facebook "infatuation guy" has accepted your friend request. I didn't even remember sending him a friend request, it honestly must have been during a weak episode of my torturing myself over him years before. I quickly checked it out, and i was more excited than I probably should have been. I kept my cool and waited for him to message me, which he did. We never bothered to talk about what happened before and kind of just when straight into flirt mode. He was charming, and very complimenting on the way I had changed. I soaked in it. However he had a new girlfriend, so we were both in relationships.

 

We started to message each other daily, every morning and it felt genuine. He was initiating conversation with me and sending me pictures and videos, eventually leading up to sexting and things got pretty steamy. We did this for 2 years on and off... While still in our separate relationships. I know this makes me a ty person, but this guy has a hold on me for some reason I could never fully grip. This is the first time I ever engaged in an "affair" if you will.

 

We ended up hooking up again for the first time last thanksgiving, and then again on Christmas. Since he lived a couple hours away it was mostly a holiday thing- but we would always keep in contact. Unlike the first time I cheated, when I was with him I felt no guilt, or regret. In fact he made me feel alive, I wasn't having sex with my boyfriend, and having sex with "infatuation guy" was amazing. The best sex I've ever had. It was hard to shake him off.

 

The last time we hooked up was 2 months ago and it was completely different from all the other times. I traveled up there to go see him and when I got there everything seemed fine. His smile, he seemed excited to see me. It was something we had talked about for literally years. Suddenly I felt him being distant while I was there, and we didn't talk much and when I left the next day it was the last time we talked. The trip didn't go as I imagined, yes we had sex but even that felt terrible. I was so confused. I came back and realized he had removed me from all social media and so I emailed him a week later because it's all I could think about.

 

He ended up saying he was traumatized by the experience and that I shouldn't contact him anymore. I respected his decision because I didn't want to look like a crazy obsessed person but inside that's exactly what I felt like, especially now with all these unanswered questions like, what made him so scared? And I'll never know. But him having the courtesy to reply to me and not just ghost me settled me in a little.

 

Now it's been exactly a month since I've heard from him and it's tough because the holidays are rolling around and it's hard not to think of him, or what the purpose of all of this was, why he came back , why he left again, why I care. I just want to get him out of my head permanently because I keep feeling like someday he'll be back. But even if he did - it's not like I would want a relationship with him.. I know he's clearly not a faithful person. But this sexual desire for him still burns in me sometimes. So much so, I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend anymore because it doesn't satisfy me and before you begin to feel bad for my boyfriend let me just say

 

He was the reason I was so insecure. He would belittle me, and even put his hands on me a couple of times but he's also come a lon way, and I guess that's why I didn't fee guilty about my affair because I felt in a sense that my boyfriend deserved it. But it's not like that anymore and we've been trying to work things out. I've been putting all my focus into it but I'll occasionally catch myself slipping and thinking of "infatuation guy". I feel like it's a rendevous of my past.

 

So my question is, how can I help this lingering infatuation?

How can I fuel that passion to be more intimate with my boyfriend?

I'm not even sure I want answers, this has been a lot to keep in and I just needed to vent or know that I'm not the only one that has gone through this, felt this way. I'm not a bad person, but sometimes you give certain people a power over you that is hard to control. I'm too old for this, and I'm tired of thinking of someone who shouldn't matter. And all I want is to get on the right path, I'm trying to figure out if that's with my boyfriend who I've been with through all of this.

 

We've been together for 8 years now and things feel rocky sometimes, especially with all this going on in my head but I really would like to make it work. I just want something genuine and happiness.

 

I'm 26 now and i feel like I just want something stable, and real. I don't want to start over. I feel like I've put my life on hold and I just want to move on from all of this but it's tough. I fee like I should have a career and a family by now and I'm stuck in this mess.

[Hazyillusions]

You really need to break up with your bf. You're not happy with him and you keep cheating on him. Regardless of how crap he is as a bf, he doesn't deserve such continuous disrespect.

 

The other guy is a straight up cheater, and I can tell you never really grew up. Maybe that side of things (doing the right thing) is not part of your character, but gosh...It's obvious he did all this for ego boosts and bit on the side sex. Just end it with him. You're not cut out to be in a committed relationship.

[Daydreamer0389]

Thank you for replying, I can agree with a lot of what you said. I didn't get a chance to grow up, I got attached and comfortable with my boyfriend who I got together with when I was 18. Although everything seemed right at the time, people's true colors really start to breakthrough once you begin living with them and he showed me a really dark side of himself. He was physically and mentally abusive for years before I cheated on him. ( I was faithful for 5 years and I would never have cheated on him had things not gotten so bad) I guess that's why I strayed in our relationship (it was easier than breaking up at the time)aside from the fact that this one person really had a hold over me. I don't know why I let him in again knowing the type of person he was but he showered me with compliments and offered me the type of affection my boyfriend neglected.

 

It's easy to say or think I should have just left my boyfriend but aside from his dark side, he has a lot of qualities that I adore and feel like I could work with. He was abused as a child and I can see that a lot of his aggression stems from that. I really do love him, but as for in love... That's what I'm trying to get back to.

 

I got distracted for a long time with this infatuation fling I had going on, and I began to neglect my boyfriend. We both obviously made some huge mistakes in the relationship, but we both are still desperately trying to make it work now.

 

I understand cheating was not the answer to any of this, but at the time I felt I needed to be selfish and do it for myself because there was some history there that I couldn't ignore. Like I said this guy I had the affair with is a real charmer and I fell for it again because I guess I never completely got over it the first time. I just brushed it aside.

 

It was mostly words, we only had sex 3 times within the 2 years we would talk and it wasn't often. But you're right sometimes we idolize or romanticize someone and turn a blind eye to who they really are.

 

The person I had the affair with is just a ty person, he can't seem to be faithful in any of his relationships that I know of. It was just this strong attraction that kept me there, pursuing it. It almost felt like an obsession. I guess the only logical answer would be to get over it. Which I'm in the process of doing.

 

But I agree, doing it alone on a clean slate would probably be ideal.

 

Thank you, sometimes hearing the truth, that you try to deny, from someone else really helps.

[HeartGoesOn]

The person I had the affair with is just a ty person, he can't seem to be faithful in any of his relationships that I know of. It was just this strong attraction that kept me there, pursuing it.

 

No offense, but you couldn't seem to be "faithful" in your relationship either.

 

In response to your question, your best bet for "starting over" would be to remain single until you get your life sorted, (imo). That dark cloud hanging over your head is a heavy load to carry, and will likely stay there as long as you remain where you are.

 

Keep in mind that with every action, there are always consequences.

[Daydreamer0389]

I know It makes me a tyy person as well, I won't deny that. I didn't go about any of this the right way. I know that I do have a strong willpower, I've always stayed faithful In tempting situations prior to this. I've even been praised for it by one guy I turned down.

 

Cheating isn't the issue, it's the hold that this one particular person had over me where I became so irrational I told myself he's the only person I'd ever have an affair with. And I never thought it would actually happen but it did. It was never an emotional attachment, it was strictly physical infatuation. I've always been intrigued by this person for reasons unknown to me because reality is he isn't a good person. I romanticisized him so much it's hard to shake off now.

 

I just want to erase him completely!! It's mind numbing to me, I waste days wondering what went wrong when it doesn't/ shouldn't matter!! I'm so upset with myself that I let it bother me this much.

 

I should have broken up with my boyfriend through all of this. But I didn't, i feel bad saying this but he was like my "comfort zone" ... He was the first man who accepted me for me and didn't just use me and leave. I always respected him for that.

 

Things got incredibly toxic and we disconnected for a good chunk of our relationship, and It felt almost too good to be true that this other guy whom i was infatuated with before I met my boyfriend came into my life at that exact time. It was hard to control, and I Got lost in it.

 

I had genuine love with my boyfriend, and the affair guy held up all that my boyfriend didn't at the time. It's disgusting that I did any of this, the way that I did but I had so much resentment towards my boyfriend at this time that I justified it.

 

My boyfriend is the most caring, thoughtful, honest person in the world. He would do anything for me, but he had so many demons when we met. He would rip my belongings, humiliate me in public, threaten to knock my teeth out. He had no grip on his anger AT ALL.

 

I tried separating from him during the time that I was having the affair, but we live together and it was hard to really get that distance from each other.

 

I know it's not healthy for neither of us. I expressed to him how bad I felt for treating him the way I did, for neglecting him and letting myself get distracted and be selfish. He's also come a long way in controlling his temper, and always apologizes for his hot headed outbursts.

 

But it's been 7 years and I just wonder if it really took all of this to really make us come together again or if I should just grab a clean slate, it's hard.

 

I would never cheat again, if I met someone new I would have the decency this time around to be upfront and break things off with the boyfriend. I guess in a sense I'm still using him as a shield and it isn't fair to him. I just really want to see where it goes .

 

He has me in a corner because he never wanted me to go to college or get a job, he insists on doing it all for me and I guess I settled for it. I lost contact with most of my friends and I spend my days alone, in a room with my dog. A lot of my resentment stemmed from this kind of living as well. He wanted to make it easy to control me and he did for so long. I guess I also felt empowered having an affair because of the way I felt I had no control over anything else.

 

I think I need independence, I'm no longer letting him dictate what I do with my life.

[saluk]

You seem really focused on how the cheating affects others around you - but have not noticed how it has affected YOU. In presenting to yourself to the world in this way, what you are really doing is compromising yourself. In every situation, with your bf, with the guy you were infatuated with, you have to carefully cultivate your self and personality to keep up the lies and stay in those situations. It is not that different from when you were abused and you would alter your behavior so that your BF wouldn't hit you or verbally attack you.

 

You don't know who you are and feel completely lost because your whole life has turned into a drama and you are the lead actor. Who is the person behind the act? Do you even know?

 

You have evaluated yourself based on what other people, especially these two, abusive, careless, and controlling men, think of you. You've based your LIFE on what men think of you. Isn't it time you evaluate yourself according to what YOU think of yourself? To live life for yourself? You are worth more than this.

 

P.S. I love the title of your post, and your writing is quite engaging as well.

[HeartGoesOn]

I know It makes me a tyy person as well, I won't deny that.

 

What is a "tyy person?"

[Daydreamer0389]

Thank you so much for your insight on all of this, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this. It made me think deeply about what's going on and what I need to focus on, it really hit home for me. I have been focusing on what others (these particular two men) think of me, rather than staying present on how I think and feel about myself. I was lost for the longest time, I stopped doing things that I was passionate about, including writing... Which I appreciate you saying how engaging you felt it was. That means a lot to me. I practiced yoga at one point throughout all of this and it really helped me through some tough times, im going to throw myself back into it and really meditate and focus on who I really am. Thank you for this reminder 🙏🏻

[Daydreamer0389]

HeartGoesOn ... I actually have been typing Sh*tty but I don't think I'm allowed because it keeps censoring it to "ty" haha, sorry for the confusion!