LostinLove7983 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 My boyfriend and I are having problems. Long story short--he says he's a porn addict. I caught him with photos of 3 other women which he had obviously gotten through text messaging. One was of his coworker. One was from a Craigslist ad he responded to. The other, an old fling. I believe that he hasn't physically cheated, he says he just did all of this for 'material' because of his addiction. Fast forward a few months--we're trying to work on things. We're in therapy, he's agreed to go to SAA meetings. He's put 'porn blockers' on his devices and given me all of his passwords because he wants me to 'keep him accountable.' But last week, I found him text messaging with a coworker about a sex dream he had about her. He says it was 'wearing on him,' so at work, he told her about the dream (not in detail). She responded that she had had one about him too, that it's awkward when that happens. He and his other coworkers laughed about it and moved on (apparently). But one of the text messages was, 'I think it's crazy that we both had dreams about ****ing each other, intensely.' What language to use. He says he was just trying to get something off of his chest, but after all of the other nasty things I've caught him doing, this feels like a strategy for him to start up another inappropriate relationship with someone. What would you do? Is it inappropriate to tell a coworker about a sex dream while you're in a relationship?
bulletproof Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I would end the relationship, but not because of the sex dream issue. I would end it because you are now in a parent/child situation where you have to "keep him accountable." Not your responsibility, and unhealthy, in my opinion. I also think whether someone's in a relationship or not is irrelevant to telling a coworker about a sex dream. He may work in an extremely casual environment, and perhaps he and his coworkers are very close, but if neither of those is true, he's taking a bit of a risk telling anyone that.
Clinton Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Porn addiction is a controversial idea that is not officially recognized by psychiatries governing body. In most cases when they proclaim they're porn or sex addicts, it's just them trying to justify bad behavior. Regardless. He's a liar and a cheat. Is your self-esteem really so low that you'd stay with him?
Dottieflanogon Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 yes I would say it was inappropriate for him conversate with another girl sexually with another female. We really don't have control of our dreams and just because we dream of another person or a sex act means nothing. The danger becomes when people thinks it's a sign of something and begin to act or behave because of it. Explain this to him and let him know it's unacceptable for him to talk sex talk with his co worker . Period. On the other hand without trust there is no relationship
Knot2loud Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Is it inappropriate? Absolutely it is. You're a couple - BF/GF. Relationships are built on trust and his actions are making it pretty tough for you to trust him. He's taking steps for bigger problems in the relationship.
Blue_Skirt Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 This is inappropriate in various ways. Towards you, because you should be able to trust your BF. But the next problem he will be facing is losing his job because of sexual harassment. Now, his co-workers are still laughing at it, but this isn’t appropriate behavior in a work environment. I agree with Bulletproof, that you are in a child/parent relationship. I would end this relationship now.
saluk Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Porn addiction is real. This is not that. He is copping to the lower crime in hopes that you don't take issue with the bigger one. He is collecting images from and CONTACTING real women. That's not porn, it's cheating. Treat it as you would if you found out he was flirting with someone else over the text message. Oh wait, that describes what he did exactly with this dream thing!
Clinton Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Porn addiction is real. Not to get off topic but thats never been proven and in fact it's not included in the latest copy of the DSM-V. That's not to say that it MIGHT be considered valid after further research but the jury is still out on its validity.
faraday Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 OMG, I've had so many random sex dreams. You see the person and blush because you get flashes of the dream...but you don't tell them lol. That would be super awkward...unless you knew they for-sure liked you, and you were opening the "hey, I like you" conversation...but...that's cheating if you have a partner...so...yeah...really inappropriate. It's time to end things with this guy before he "accidentally" puts his penis in someone.
ParisPaulette Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 This isn't porn addiction. j.man nailed it. He's not a porn addict, just a good old fashioned chronic cheater trying to gaslight you that it isn't him cheating, it's him being an addict to images. Except these aren't just images. They are him going after sexual contact with real live women he sees and can be in contact with, which again is not porn. And that you believe him when he says he never slept with any of them boggles my mind. You have the evidence, he's chatting up a coworker about sex dreams and she's reciprocating. There's only one reason someone pulls the whole "I had a sex dream about you" routine and that's to get you to think about having sex with them. Come on, frankly the money you are spending on therapy is being wasted. He's not coming clean about his cheating and the fact he's likely lying about the porn addiction, playing off the whole "feel sorry for my addiction" routine. And now he's conducting the beginnings of an affair and justifying it. What part of you are never going to have a sane, monogamous good relationship with this man do you not get. And you shouldn't have to be his fricking mom about inappropriate contact with other women. If he can't keep it in his pants he has no business being in a relationship and you have no business wasting your life and energy and best years of your life on someone who refuses to be an honest adult. I don't see a porn addiction here at all. I see a man addicted to the thrill of cheating and you addicted to holding on to a dead relationship. And that's all I see. Is that what you want?
LostinLove7983 Posted December 7, 2015 Author Posted December 7, 2015 It's become very clear that he doesn't just have a porn addiction---he has a sex addiction, coupled with a lot of bad, selfish, nasty habits from being a single guy for most of his adult life. Most of his sexual interactions have not been within the context of loving, respectful relationships, but rather one night stands, short, shallow flings and even practically anonymous. It doesn't surprise me that he would have issues with intimacy and boundaries. Not that this excuses anything, it doesn't. I don't believe that he's done any of these things because he doesn't love me, but because he's selfish and immature, most of all, but also because he has some issues and a history which make it incredibly difficult for him to control his urges, and makes him want to connect with people--anyone, really--in a sexual way. Thank you all for your responses.
Helpexpressme Posted December 7, 2015 Posted December 7, 2015 He just wants to tell his co-worker he wants to bang her. He's not worth it love.
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