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Bisexual Wife-Confused and Hurt


hooja

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First,hello and good evening to all of you who may read and reply to this.I am a married straight man.I'm 32 years old.My wife is 35 and Bisexual.I guess I should start by that fact that early on in our relationship,my wife confessed to me she was Bisexual,long before we married.I was OK with this,and in fact,it was a turn on for me and I told her so.She was happy by this prospect,and we even talked about having threesomes with another woman,since this is something I have wanted to experience since I was in my teens.She was totally open to this,and thought it would be a sexy and fun thing we could do together as a couple,and expand our sexual horizons and keep things spicy and fun between us.When she told me this,I was so happy and excited,that I had finally met someone who was on the same page as I was,someone who would be there with me as we took our sexual journey together,exploring new things and having her help me fulfill a nearly 20 year old fantasy I have had about experiencing two women.Well,this all changed once I said ''I Do''.Now she has a sudden problem with doing this.It has turned into a complete taboo with her.Was she just saying all the things she knew I wanted to hear in order to hook me in?I have tried talking to her about it,and she now denies that she ever agreed to this prospect.Now she has turned it around by telling me in such words ''I'm was only open to it in the beginning because it was something that I knew you wanted,not that I actually wanted to do it''.This is a complete lie,and I wish I had saved the texts and emails we sent to each other where she was clearly open and excited about the idea of a threesome,long before she ever accepted my hand in marriage.Then about two months ago,she told me that she would be open to a threesome,as long as I was only watching her and the other woman go at it,and not actually join in on the fun.I was blown away!How is this a three way situation?She told me her reason for this was to be sure she was ''comfortable'' doing this with another woman.This seemed to me just an excuse,as she had confessed to me of having multiple girl on girl experiences in the past,including threesomes,and she told me she loved it!She used to talk about how she would ravish her girlfriends ,and how fun it was that she had a threesome one night after a party she was throwing at her house.If this is all the case,then why would she need to test the waters by having a woman over so she can her while I watch from across the room like a stooge,just to see if she likes it?It always seemed to me like this was all just an excuse for her to have some fresh while I sit there,now it cant be construed as cheating,being that I am mutually there in the same room.She has had girl on girl experiences since she was 12 years old!What the !?Why do you find the need now at this stage of the game to ''test the waters''?I don't buy it at all.I think its crap.

 

Then a week or so ago,she told to me that she could love a woman in the same capacity that she loves me.I was not totally sure what she meant by this,or how far her ''love'' could extend towards a woman,so I asked her outright you capable of loving a woman the same as you do me,make her your wife,live exclusively as a lesbian,and be totally satisfied with her in the same way that you are with me,and also share the so called special bond you have with me with some woman''?She then told me yes,she could do all those things and be perfectly happy...I can not help but feel intimidated by this prospect and a little hurt.If she can just as well share what she has with me with some other woman,then perhaps her feelings toward me aren't really so rare or special after all.The day she told me all of this,I cant help but feel that she killed the flame I had for her.This is a pill I am having a hard time swallowing and its eating me up inside.I have tried talking to her about all these issues,but it always ends up in a fight,and she has made me afraid to talk to her about my feelings,because she always tells me I'm retarded,that I never understand,and her favorite thing to do when she is mad at me is to begin her conversation by saying ''First of all, you'',then she will say her piece.I feel completely beat down and hurt,and even scared of her to a certain degree.

 

What can I do??? I do love her,but I feel that she has snuffed the spark that we once shared,and I don't know what to do anymore.I am not happy in my relationship,and I fear the future.Why did she change her entire opinion on these issues AFTER we were married???Why not just tell me in the beginning?Why wait until after were married to throw these bombshells in my lap?I really need some input from others who may have experienced this,and I would like some advice from both male or female,bi or straight.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read...

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Does it really matter why? If you are not happy in this relationship just leave ,don't delve for answers that will not change anything .

 

PS Don't be so obsessed with threesomes , it's not that "unreal" as they seem in porn.

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First of all, your wife is bisexual. Why would it come as a surprise that she could be with a woman indefinitely. She's married to you, isn't she - that means forsaking all others. How is this any different from if she could see herself with another man for life?

 

Second, your wife no longer wants to have a threesome. Quite frankly, you sound like you're obsessing. She promised me a threesome... now she won't have one... poor me. Plus even if she agreed to have one threesome, it doesn't mean she'd go on having them.

 

Tbh, you sound like you're creating problems where there are none.

 

Your wife doesn't sound like she intends to leave you or be unfaithful. So she doesn't want to have a threesome - get over it!

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Well,this all changed once I said ''I Do''.Now she has a sudden problem with doing this.It has turned into a complete taboo with her.Was she just saying all the things she knew I wanted to hear in order to hook me in?

 

When she said, "I do," she committed to you and only you. If she is bisexual, she can be attracted to either gender, but she chooses to be with you and commit to you. How happy would you be if you said "I do" and then your wife wanted another man in her bed. Marriage is for TWO. I understand how you felt that she made a false promise - but if you married her with the idea that you would have this really hot situation where you'd have different women in your bed - you married for the wrong reason.

 

hen a week or so ago,she told to me that she could love a woman in the same capacity that she loves me.I was not totally sure what she meant by this,or how far her ''love'' could extend towards a woman,so I asked her outright you capable of loving a woman the same as you do me,make her your wife,live exclusively as a lesbian,and be totally satisfied with her in the same way that you are with me,and also share the so called special bond you have with me with some woman''?

 

Ok, I have a hard time believing she said this out of the blue. I can imagine that you prompted her - you asked questions. And yes, if she is a bisexual woman, she could hypothetically have met a woman and chosen her as her partner and it would have felt natural, also. It does not mean that she wants to or will dump you for a woman, it means that if she chose differently, she could be happy that way, too, as far as it would also seem natural to her. Y

 

I think bottom line, this fear in you that she would just dump you for a woman should have been handled before you were married. I highly recommend counseling...and also growing up a little about thinking you are entitled to a two woman fantasy just because your wife is bisexual.

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Let's flip the coin. Suppose before marriage a man says he wants kids, but after being married a couple years he changes his mind and no longer wants any. According to the female responses here, it shouldn't matter what the man said before marriage and the woman should just deal with it. Am I getting this right?

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The question is, is this a deal breaker for you? For many people a person changing their minds about having kids wod be a deal breaker, saying you no longer want to do a very specific sexual thing could be a deal breaker for some.

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I am a married bisexual woman and have zero intention on having an orgy. I committed myself to a marriage, to one person. You can be attracted to someone -regardless of sexual orientation - but you also have the choice of exercising self-control and honoring your relationship.

 

I have yet to tell my husband about my real sexual preference due to fear of him:

1. Constantly asking for an orgy because according to straight people, being bisexual automatically means that I am a sexual deviant who wouldn't mind it.

2. He would draw upon insecurities that I would commit infidelity because I am not just attracted to men.

 

I pity your wife. Your reaction and comments is why so many bisexual spouses are so afraid to come out and be more open without being labeled.

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Sometimes wanting something so much turns off the other partner. And she doesn't want to share you, anymore.

You have decide what is more important: you wife or this illusion of a threesome

 

Yup. She doesn't want to share you anymore and she doesn't know how to tell you that.

 

My advice to you, also being bi and having had a HORRIBLE 3-way experience that will haunt me the rest of my life, is to reevaluate what is important in your marriage and what you really want. She changed her mind. It sucks, but there you have it. She didn't lie to you. It genuinely sounded fun to her, but now she feels awkward about sharing her wonderful man (although she has no qualms about getting it on in front of you, but whatever).

 

My horrible experience was that I thought it would be really exciting, but here it's been many years later and I'm not even married to this man anymore, and I realize how bad of a mistake it was. If there are any misgivings from any party beforehand, best not to do it. I agree with the poster who said it's not always the way it's depicted in porno movies.

 

I understand you aren't happy anymore, but is this the only reason? I ask because you didn't mention anything else about your relationship except this bisexual, threesome issue.

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I went back and re-read the OP's post. There were a couple things that rubbed me the wrong way as a bisexual woman.

early on in our relationship,my wife confessed to me she was Bisexual,long before we married.I was OK with this,and in fact, it was a turn on for me and I told her so.She was happy by this prospect,and we even talked about having threesomes with another woman,since this is something I have wanted to experience since I was in my teens.

Heads up Lurkers One of the most offensive things to say to a bisexual person is asking them to participate in orgies/threesomes. By doing so, it suggests your misconception of bisexuals are swingers. Being a swinger is about one's personal preference, not their sexuality. It's unfortunate so many people do not understand nor respect the fact that a bisexual person can choose monogamy just as straight and homosexual individuals would.

 

Well,this all changed once I said ''I Do.'' Now she has a sudden problem with doing this.It has turned into a complete taboo with her. Was she just saying all the things she knew I wanted to hear in order to hook me in?

"Hook you in?" Really dude? You chose to marry her. You chose a life of commitment to her and her only. Swinging should be out of the question once you are a married man. It's truly disappointing that you can't honor your commitment to her as she has choosen with you.

 

I have tried talking to her about it,and she now denies that she ever agreed to this prospect. Now she has turned it around by telling me in such words ''I'm was only open to it in the beginning because it was something that I knew you wanted,not that I actually wanted to do it'.'

Her comment is very telling. It shows you potentially pressuring her into it rather than respecting AND loving her as your wife. She has indirectly told you to back off here.

 

This is a complete lie, and I wish I had saved the texts and emails we sent to each other where she was clearly open and excited about the idea of a threesome,long before she ever accepted my hand in marriage.

What the Hell. You were seriously contemplating on interrogating your wife with e-mails/texts over a teenage sexual fantasy? You were seriously planning to BLACKMAIL her into agreeing to have a threeway with you? Are you for real? Gross.

 

Then about two months ago, she told me that she would be open to a threesome, as long as I was only watching her and the other woman go at it, and not actually join in on the fun. I was blown away!... She told me her reason for this was to be sure she was ''comfortable'' doing this with another woman.

Or that she isn't comfortable herself with you, her husband, engaging in sex with another woman. Sounds like you are continuing to pressure her over the idea and she's caving to get you to stop. I would hate to be married to a guy who pulls this. I would feel so degraded of my sexuality by my own husband if I were her.

 

Then a week or so ago, she told to me that she could love a woman in the same capacity that she loves me. I was not totally sure what she meant by this... so I asked her outright you capable of loving a woman the same as you do me, make her your wife, live exclusively as a lesbian, and be totally satisfied with her in the same way that you are with me...?" She then told me yes, she could do all those things and be perfectly happy...I can not help but feel intimidated by this prospect and a little hurt.

She should not have said this. It's so inappropriate to say in a marriage. But how was this brought up? What prompted her to tell you?

 

Judging by your reaction written here, you definitely aren't the type of person who should have a threesome. I've known people who have had their relationships/marriages destroyed by engaging in an orgy because of jealousy or suspicion. If you can have sex with a total stranger with your spouse's approval, what's stopping you from sleeping with someone else? It's why I will never do it, bisexual or not.

 

I have tried talking to her about all these issues, but it always ends up in a fight,and she has made me afraid to talk to her about my feelings,because she always tells me I'm retarded, that I never understand

"Retarded" is not a nice word to use. However you're nagging her to the point of frustration about engaging in a sexual favor that she isn't interested in out of respect for her marriage with you. She already asked you to drop it, but you are still persisting without respecting her wishes.

 

Why should she listen to you if you don't listen to her?

 

And instead of finding other sexual activities to do as a married couple that are much safer, you are digging up arguing points to force her into accepting your fantasy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but not everyone is able to have all of their fantasies fulfilled. Instead they find other alternatives to strengthen the bond with their spouses. That is something you both have to figure out together.

 

This is not a healthy way to converse with your partner. You both may need to seek counseling on finding ways to communicate on intimacy, but I will warn you- a marriage counselor will indefinitely side with your wife since threesomes/orgies are destructive.

 

 

So I leave you with this final piece of thought:

What is more important to you? Your teenage, one night thrill or your lifetime marriage? You can't have both.

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Let's flip the coin. Suppose before marriage a man says he wants kids, but after being married a couple years he changes his mind and no longer wants any. According to the female responses here, it shouldn't matter what the man said before marriage and the woman should just deal with it. Am I getting this right?

 

A husband thinking he was promised an orgy (when it could have been just sexy talk and not a "promise") that goes against the whole idea of exchanging vows to forsake all others is different than a husband really wanting kids, and then deciding against them IF there is a legit reason (most men don't marry and say HA HA I TRICKED YOU AND I DON"T REALLY WANT KIDS - on the contrary - something typically happens - the health of themselves or a spouse declines, the marriage is unstable, etc. unless its a case of a 50 year old man marrying a young woman and thinking he really wanted it but realizes later -) In the case of a man changing his mind - if I was the 25 year old bride with a 50 year old husband, yes, I think leaving him is valid. If a couple is in their 30s and something changes as far as a serious diagnosis that would affect things - then I think its til death do we part. )

 

If he leaves his wife because she is being FAITFUL to him, then he needs to examine his maturity level. Seriously, a wife not wanting to share her husband OR a wife avoiding the temptation of another woman if she is bisexual in ORDER to stay strong in her fidelity to her husband should be something that is appreciated.

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She should not have said this. It's so inappropriate to say in a marriage. But how was this brought up? What prompted her to tell you?

 

I could see if she said it from an "educational" standpoint. If a random stranger asked and she said "well, I do feel the same towards women and men and I could have chosen to be with a woman just the same" as she could be married to a man - though she CHOSE this man as her husband for life.

 

But I agree with you, this sounds like he prompted her. It is not something she would say on her own unless it was to hurt him back the way he is hurting her.

 

Honestly, they should not have married if they were not both comfortable with everything about eachother and going forward, he needs to decide that if he wants to stay married, he needs to respect his wife's boundaries and fidelity. She clearly is not comfortable here, and she is not going to run into the arms of a woman as easy as he thinks she would.

 

Honestly, if he is pushing her towards infidelity she has every right to leave. He is treating he like a circus performer who is failing to perform and will be fired.

 

 

So, OP, I think that if you want to stay married, you tell your wife that you love her and you have been unloving lately and you have decided there is no way you want to share her and want only her. That the threesome business is off.

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  • 1 year later...

Be careful what you wish for, the act of giving yourself over to someone in sex is usually a mental and emotional decision for a woman. If you ask your wife to pursue a woman for a threesome or a one on one experience you are asking her to develop feelings for someone who is not you. To be truly bisexual is to be able to develop emotional ties to either sex. If she is telling you she doesn't want to do it there may be an emotional reason as to why it's different now. It may be that if she starts she may fear not being able to drop her new love interest on a whim and it could mean heartbreak for everyone involved. I am married and I could not just have sex with a woman unless I cared about her, and you're asking your wife to do it for an audience, you! So she needs to feel safe and cared for by both parties and that is a vulnerable place. And once you've done it and you've had you're fill, what then does she have to stop seeing this woman you drove her to fall in love with, or does she get to keep seeing you both?

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