TwainGal Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Hi Everyone, I've been dealing with something for a really long time now and never told anyone. I could really use some help. I've had a very shaky relationship with my father for years now. He is very negative and tells me that my dreams are irrational. I have been living home for the past year after being diagnosed with a disease and also dealing with depression after being in an abusive relationship. I used to be so optimistic and involved in the creative arts - my real passion in life. My father always told me that it will only be a hobby and to get a stable job doing something administrative. For years, in my early 20's, I did what I felt pressured to do and developed an anxiety disorder. I was so unhappy for so long. I finally decided that I was going to try and go for something that really interested me and was hit with illness and a terribly traumatic relationship. I have been working part-time, in a job that is "okay", and helping out around the apartment. My mom has been very sweet and understanding and a great person to talk to. But my father continues to tell me negative things and in such a small space, it has completely consumed me. I don't believe in myself anymore and feel like I will never get out of here or do anything I really want to do. I believe everything my dad says. I don't think anything is possible. I am so upset that I let him influence me so much but I can't seem to think any other way now. I don't know what to do. I know I need to move out but the reason it's been so hard is because I am dealing with physical and mental illness, and I worry that if I take a job that I absolutely hate, I am giving in to being like my dad and doing what he did. I don't want to give up my dreams and just give in to settling down in a way that I really don't want to. But I feel like I've lost the capacity to believe in anything anymore. Can anyone help me? I am so lost.
jennylove Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 So what exactly is it that you want to do?!? I have a cousin who had a father and mother like yours, but her parents were divorced. She followed her dreams with her mothers consent, her father did not consent. She's now in her mid 30s and wished that she listened to her father. She's still in debt over the "worthless" degree that she had dreams of obtaining, and she had never been able to find work in her field.
TwainGal Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 I have various creative talents that I would like to pursue. The exact thing that I want to do doesn't matter because I'm talking about a principle, not a specific career choice. I'm talking about giving up on my dreams vs. working a job I don't like, in an environment I don't like, and "playing it safe" for the rest of my life. I'm tired of hearing about percentages of people who get to do "A", and percentages of people who fail at doing "B". The truth is, there is absolutely no way to know for sure if you're going to be financially secure, even if you end up working some boring, stable job that you hate. I'm asking for advice on how to believe in myself again and not let me dad get into my head. I want to know how to take the next step. Where to begin and how to put the pieces back together and make a decision about my life.
jennylove Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Ok ok, I get you now. I mean, if you can get roomies lined up in a big city and get the hell out of dodge, that would be a good start. Otherwise, I enjoy reading stories about famous ppl who were always told NO, but they kept trying and now they are famous for whatever they were being told no about. Those stories help me. For example, Michael Jordan was told by an old basketball coach that he sucks and will never amount to anything. Or Eminens story. Or Oprah. Soo many ppl are out there being told no like you, but this is your life, start a new chapter and write the ending you dream of!
thejigsup Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 My best friend is a successful artist. But, she worked retail jobs for years until she finally became self-supporting. It was hard on her and her family. She almost got divorced and times were very tough for them. She sustained a brain injury that makes it hard for her to get out of bed some days. Her daughter saw all this and even though she is a very gifted singer, she will not pursue a singing career, even though she has been offered scholarships to some very prestigious Performing Arts schools in New York and Europe. She decided on a safe job in the medical field and is a happy, contented, single mother who is proud to support herself and her children. So, get the "safe" job for the money and work on your dreams in your spare time. Win/win. Don't throw either your dreams, or your life, away. Be practical.
jobelle Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I have various creative talents that I would like to pursue. The exact thing that I want to do doesn't matter because I'm talking about a principle, not a specific career choice. I'm talking about giving up on my dreams vs. working a job I don't like, in an environment I don't like, and "playing it safe" for the rest of my life. I'm tired of hearing about percentages of people who get to do "A", and percentages of people who fail at doing "B". The truth is, there is absolutely no way to know for sure if you're going to be financially secure, even if you end up working some boring, stable job that you hate. I'm asking for advice on how to believe in myself again and not let me dad get into my head. I want to know how to take the next step. Where to begin and how to put the pieces back together and make a decision about my life. It sounds like you need a specific plan and specific goals to work on. Maybe that way your dad will back off for a while. As for his negativity, people who have never dared to do something different tend to be like that. It's their fears talking. It's not necessarily about you as a person although I know how much it can affect your self-esteem. I should know because my family is like that. But I do know that if you start taking specific steps towards your goal you will earn your dad's respect. Are your parents supporting you financially? In that case I highly suggest you get a full time job and move out, that way your dad won't have much say regarding your life choices. You can pursue your interests in your free time until you have a specific plan.
lukeb Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Two important questions: What do you expect from your Dad? Are these expectations reasonable?
TwainGal Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Thanks so much for all of the great advice everyone. I know that part of the problem is that I feel very lost. I have been pulled in two different directions my whole life but I know which one I want to go in. To me, there has always seems like a great divide. There are people who risk everything to do something they really love, even if it doesn't work out. This is the difficult path. Then there are people who decide to just settle in to a "stable" job (unless the stable job is their passion - I was always jealous of those people!) and do what they love as a hobby. I could never see myself as the latter and I know that doing it that way wouldn't make me happy. The only times in my life when I was truly happy were when I was trying to do something I loved for a career, even as unstable or irrational-seeming it may have been (I saved up money for a long time and traveled around the world to do some freelance photography, worked as an actor and musician for a brief period of time, etc.). I have always craved adventure and travel in my life and when I am stuck in the same place, I get very restless. My family always told me: "it's just a phase; you'll get it out of your system and settle down somewhere." It never went away though. I've met a lot of people like this who genuinely can't stay in a job for more than two years because they have a real hunger for adventure. As they get older, they either have an amazing, exciting life, or end up broke, alone, and completely lost. I've realized that you can't predict the future, no matter how "stable" you think you are. My father gave up his dreams of being a writer and got a "stable" job. This "stable" job had a company downsizing and my family was living in poverty for years, even though he took the safe option. I've seen investment bankers file for bankruptcy and artists become lucrative off of gallery shows. It seems like any path you choose could fail, so why not take the one you actually want and see what happens? I think my biggest problem is that I don't know EXACTLY what I want; I just have a general idea and a very clear idea of what I DON'T want. Unfortunately, what I DON'T want has a pretty big range and our culture is designed around giving people opportunities to do just that. I am financially secure without paying rent - as in, I pay my bills, food, gas, etc. but I don't pay rent. My parents live in a small apartment so there is no privacy and I think this has made it significantly worse. If I could afford to pay rent too, I would be out of here! I just want to choose the right step instead of choosing one that I've chosen for the past decade mostly, and was severely unhappy from.
TwainGal Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Also, if I might add, it seems that a lot of people my age who are having adventurous lives and doing something creative have some sort of support from their parents. I don't know if it's true but it's just something I suspect. I never grew up with money so I had to give up a lot of opportunities (unpaid internships, etc.) because me, or my family, just simply could not afford it. I had some great opportunities in the past but they required financial support. I imagine there are a lot of "rich kids" who are living in cool cities and "going for their dreams" but with the financial backing of their parents. Do you think this is true? And maybe a lot of what I'm imagining to be true is just an illusion?
TwainGal Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Also lukeb: I am expecting emotional support and encouragement from my dad. I don't know if it's realistic though.
lukeb Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Also lukeb: I am expecting emotional support and encouragement from my dad. I don't know if it's realistic though. So you are not expecting financial support, it may be that if you supported yourself financially, the emotional support and encouragement could follow. I mean that is the hope.
jobelle Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Do you live in Europe? If so there's a good chance your regular job benefits would include several weeks paid vacation. So I believe you can kinda have our cake and eat it too, like working a stable job so you can be financially independent from your parents and travel during your vacation time. You can also pursue your hobbies on your free time. You could even try to find a job where you work 75% or 85% to make time for your hobbies. But I guess the problem will not be solved until you know what you want to do and unfortunately we can't help you with that.
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