don't know if I'm making a big deal out of this

[flowerpower90]

My husband is a sweet & thoughtful man. We've been married for almost a year now & overall have no major problems in our relationship. We're supposed to be moving soon (he's military) & I've been nervous, as I've never moved & will be leaving my job & family, but generally excited. He likes to play wrestle & it's always been in good fun & never an issue, however, a week ago while we were in the midst of that he said, "if you were a guy I would've broken your jaw by now." It upset me & bothered me. He's never said anything like that before & I don't understand purpose of that comment. When I brought it up & told him it scared & upset me initially he said "it was bc you did (whatever it was I did)" then he said he was joking & when I told him I failed to find the humor in that he apologized to me & said he would never hit me. This comment upsets me & I feel confused. I've been in an abusive relationship before & he doesn't possess any of the red flags. He's raised his voice at me twice in our entire relationship bc he said I was frustrating him followed by an apology & sometimes gets road rage which I hate but other than that we argue healthy & communicate & have a loving relationship & he acted receptive to me saying the above things bothered me. He exhibits none of the behaviors my ex exhibited who was super abusive. I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of that comment but I can't get it off my mind & it exacerbates my moving anxiety but simultaneously I feel like I'm making a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal & am just confused by my own feelings right now & scared of ending up in another abusive relationship. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[notalady]

I would be bothered by the comment too. I think your husband appears overall to be a man who enjoys violence (military man, loves to wrestle, apparently will break a man's jaw if he feels justified, road rage, raising his voice at you when frustrated), that doesn't mean he's abusive or will be, to you. But this personality trait would be something that would make me uncomfortable if I was dating a man like that.

 

Since you already married him, you might have to just continue to observe. And if he shows any sign of abuse, verbally or physically, you'd have to leave right away, no giving chances, that's really the only way you make sure you don't end up in another abusive relationship.

[jobelle]

You have been in an abusive relationship so I trust you when you say there are no red flags. I wouldn't worry about this comment, it just sounds like a bad joke. It does have some kind of background to it - he wrestles, he works within a very macho and violent environment. Good for you for letting him know it scared you though so he'll feel less inclined to say something like that again.

 

As for raising his voice, who doesn't during fights? It's not the most mature of things to do but we're only humans and personally I think heated arguments can be healthy sometimes.

The same thing goes for road rage (assuming he is not engaging in dangerous behaviour on the road). He's only human and no one is perfect.

 

You keep asserting your boundaries and make sure you have a plan B in case the move doesn't work out. But in general I don't think you need to worry too much.