Very disturbed by these events

[n86]

This set of events happened a few years back, but I am very deeply disturbed by it. I am the kind of person who likes to mind my own business, help others and try hard not to hurt others but these events have really shook me.

 

I was good friends with this person who was older to me by 7-8 years. We were in the same class in college and helped each other a lot. Around that time, I was being badly bullied by this other girl in our class who was causing me a lot of grief. One fine day, due to extreme stress from college work, I asked this good friend of mine for help. Since she was busy, she politely refused. I said no problem and came to lab. Once in the lab, I got extremely agitated and panicky. I had no idea how I was going to complete the work. I was extremely stressed out. She and another friend stopped by to help for a few minutes. Since I was very stressed out, I just kept staring and couldn't respond to them. I am not sure if I shrugged their hand from my shoulder. They left in a few seconds. Within 30 minutes, I was back to my normal, cheerful self. Next day, when I greeted the older friend very cheerfully, she launched a tirade on me. She accused me of throwing attitude, brought up the bully's name and used words like hate etc. I was so shocked that I started crying right before everyone. Later on, I came to know she was very upset about me not responding to her last night. When she saw me crying, she became all relaxed and smug and said " it's ok, we all are stressed out". After that, a week later, she again launched a tirade on me. This time for not helping a good friend of hers as I was busy with something. I just walked out of the room without saying anything. A few days later, I got a call from her and she was crying on the other line saying things like whether I hate her, how she misses my jokes, and how she was wrong for the second tirade (she did not mention the first) etc" I told her I did not hate her etc and pacified her to the best of my ability.

 

A few weeks later, she organized a get together and invited everyone. I had a massive wisdom tooth ache and no insurance to pay for the treatment. Also, she was inviting the bully as well. I was not comfortable with the whole thing and decided to pass it on. She called me and pleaded me to come. I was in no mood to come and kept refusing. Finally, she relented and kept the phone down. After that, for the entire summer, I was given a massive cold shoulder and not invited to any of her get together/ parties etc. I bore all this quietly like a doormat and kept being friendly with her as I didn't know what else to do. Finally, she pacified and became friends with me again. This time around, the bully who gave me a lot of grief and pain became a good friend of hers and would come to all our hangouts. Even though I was uncomfortable with all of this, I kept hanging out them. One fine day, I heard from a common friend about a few nasty comments this bully had made about this friend. I was so shocked and immediately distanced myself from them all. My friend put all the blame on me saying how everyone is shocked that I am not social etc. I bore all this quietly as I really did not know what to do. Finally, once college got over and we all moved to different cities, I decided enough was enough and called this friend and told her about the comments. I couldn't keep it within me anymore. Once she heard about this, she sounded shocked and then composed herself and said it's no big deal. After that phone call, she cut all contacts with me.

 

Usually, if I am uncomfortable with someone, I will quietly maintain my distance from them. But , in this situation, I really did not know what to do. I am feeling very guilt about this whole thing. Help!!

[Seraphim]

You don't need to feel guilty about anything. You don't owe people friendship because they think you should. You are friends with people because you want to be.

 

Avoiding all these people seems like the best course of action. They are lost in high school mentality somewhere.

[ParisPaulette]

Why would you feel guilty? This woman sounds like she has serious problems of her own and a massive chip on her shoulder. She made your pain and upset all about her each and every time? She was not your friend at all. And to be friends with the girl she knew was bullying you? Puh-leaze, this woman wasn't your friend at all. When I have a friend if I know someone is bullying and upsetting them that is the last person I will ever be friendly with. Sorry, you mess with my friends at all, you and I are going to have a problem. NOT hang out and be chummy chummy with them.

 

Sorry, this woman was a different type of bully--the passive aggressive, you must do everything to please me while I do nothing to deserve that help--person.

 

Be glad you are shed of such a person. And in the future, stop being quiet about it when someone is sh**ty to you. It does no good to hold your tongue or stay quiet. You should have told both the bully and her to go jump in the lake and found other people to hang out with.

 

It disturbs you because you think this girl was your friend, but she really wasn't. Taking some assertiveness classes will help you learn how to deal with both her and the bully far better than simply dwelling on it. Your only mistake was being friends with her in the first place from where I can see it. She had zero empathy for you or what you were dealing with and again that's not really a friend, or a good one anyways.

 

Let it go and move on is all you can do.

[catfeeder]

We're all allowed to set our own standards for friendship. In my book, someone either enhances my life in some way, or they don't--but tirades and negativity aren't additions I'll willingly let into my life.

 

Sure, when we're in work or school, we'll be assigned to work with people who we'll need to get along with. That doesn't mean we need to invite them into our personal lives.

 

You saw something volatile in this woman that had you putting her at arm's length. She may not have 'liked' that, but given her behavior and her choice of a bully friend, her perceptions are too bad, so sad.

 

Would you have preferred that you didn't contribute to any misunderstandings? Sure. But even if your behavior had been to your own liking, that doesn't warrant a need to involve yourself in her chosen group.

 

Telling her afterward about the negativity from her bully friend was your way of putting a stamp on further involvement with someone who was not loyal and not good for you. It may not have been your intent, but your unconscious spoke up to spare you any more involvement with this person.

 

Now you get to embrace that as a smart choice, or not. I don't see the down side of doing that, while opting instead to feel lousy about it doesn't buy you anything of value, either.

 

I'd celebrate my sabotage of something that wasn't likely to offer me anything more than a continuation of the same heartache--and for what benefit? I'd consider myself graduated.

 

Head high.