Long term issues with my wife

[Andy665]

Firstly let me state several key points - I love my wife very much and I have been 100% faithful to her during the 13 years we have been together

 

I am 48, she is 44 and we are both on our second marriage - I ended my first marriage amicably (we grew apart), her first marriage ended after her ex cheated on her

 

Shortly after our first (and only) child was born 8 years ago her behaviour changed - she became more distant and started to act strangely and out of character - this will become clear as I go on

 

As it started about 4-6 months after our son she refused to accept it could be post-natal depression, I thought otherwise

 

Long story short she has been on anti-depressants off and on for 7 years now, more off than on and she has only recently really accepted that she is "not right" but has so far refused to do anything more than take medication

 

She started to drink quite heavily - 7-8 bottles of white wine per week and became quite verbally aggressive / confrontational after 2 glasses of wine - her drinking has moderated but still 3-4 bottles per week

 

She has a troubled relationship with our son, she loves him very much but is very inconsistent in how she handles him - I have no fears or concerns with them being alone however - I know she would never harm him and he loves her very much

 

In the last 7 years she has exchanged many hundreds of highly sexual text messages / emails with ex partners / boyfriends / bosses

 

She has met up with several ex boyfriends and spent 2 nights with one of them about 3 years ago - she swears to this day that nothing physical happened between them

 

She tried to get me arrested on many occasions by claiming assault - I have never laid a finger on her

 

Every time she has lied or cheated I have forgiven her and taken her back

 

We split up in April, she went to live 1/2 mile away with her elderly mother, leaving me to look after our son

 

In September we got back together, we had spent a few weeks talking with absolute openness and honesty about the past and agreed to leave past mistakes in the past. During the time we were apart I met up with one other lady once for a coffee and it went no further, she had started to see a many 18 years her junior but she stopped seeing him as we started talking about a possible future together

 

Since she returned in September things appeared to be very good - not perfect but I felt we were talking very openly and things were going well...until last Friday

 

Without warning she disappeared for the night, switching her phone her - I was upset and frightened as I had no idea where she was or whether she was safe

 

I knew the man she had been seeing lived in an area about 15 miles from where we live so on Saturday morning I went looking for her - to find her on her way home. She admitted she had met a man (not the one she had been seeing), 20 years younger than her and she had slept with him. She also admitted to sending sex texts to another old boyfriend and that this had been going on for a couple of weeks

 

This has left me totally devastated - I have always been there for her, cared for her, supported her, forgiven her and fought hard to kep my marriage and family together

 

She cannot explain why she did what she did on Friday and says she is deeply ashamed and sorry - to me this is a pattern that seems rooted in her depression, she has no self respect and seems to crave attention from other men, she seems to be obsessed with being "wanted"

 

I cannot help but continue to love her but can anyone see a way forward - I have already told her I cannot ever forgive her for sleeping with another man but I maybe able to learn to live with it if her indiscretions stop - is this likely - who knows

 

I'd welcome peoples thoughts

[DoF]

 

Every time she has lied or cheated I have forgiven her and taken her back

 

 

There is your problem OP. By remaining in this relationship and assuming things will get better......you enable this crappy person to thrive.

 

At first, as I was reading your post, I said to myself "depression".....then it was "alcohol" then it was inappropriate texts/conversations with males.....then cheating......then I said to myself, how in the world does this guy put up with this BS.

 

So the only thing I would suggest for you now is to STOP.

 

For next month, I would collect as much evidence about her acts as possible....and go see a lawyer to see how bad you will get F'ed when the inevitable happens/you file for divorce.

 

Get yourself away from this monster....

[Seraphim]

She REALLY REALLY needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. That is not postnatal depression. Personally I think you should leave and get custody of your son unless she gets treated by psychiatrist . That sounds like a condition I know really well but since I'm not a psychiatrist it is not for me to say.

[Mari]

psychiatrist and possible breakup. It's like once she got cheated on she decided to cheat non stop and can't get enough.

[Movingforward3]

Sounds like she is bipolar. Get help and get out

[ChellyV]

She needs professional help and you need to give yourself a break and think what you want to do.

[ogree]

You probably need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist who will help you determine why you allow yourself to be repeatedly abused.

[Dottieflanogon]

she needs professional help and you two should attend counceling to see if that helps with your pain, and her obvious commitment issues. Chances are if she lied to you once, it's more than likely to happen again. Sometimes you have to think about your situation as well as the child. Even if you two divorced, Your child would still have to loving parents, who care for them deeply. It might take a while but they would come to terms with the fact that some people don't deserve yet another chance, after they blew the first 10000 they got. I really hope your situation gets better

[lostandhurt]

Her pattern is clear. She doesn't care about you and only cares about soothing her wants and needs with men a booze. The reason at this point does not matter. She has resisted help all these years so why would she seek and accept real help now?

 

You are enabling her behavior and are being beaten down in the process. You can continue to love her but that doesn't mean you have to be married to her.

 

It sounds like you want to try and fix this but in my opinion to much damage has already been done. So when she is sober and not texting other guys ask her what she wants. Straight out ask her. "What do you want to happen" "Do you want to stay married" If she says yes then that is where you tell her for that to happen she has to get in to see a therapist right away and both of you will start counseling as well. If she doesn't agree to your terms then file for divorce.

 

Your son shouldn't grow up in any household with this stuff going on. Make one last attempt if you must and if she doesn't give 100% to try and get and accept help then file right away. This has gone on far to long as it is. You need to look out for you and your son now.

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

[Andy665]

Her pattern is clear. She doesn't care about you and only cares about soothing her wants and needs with men a booze. The reason at this point does not matter. She has resisted help all these years so why would she seek and accept real help now?

 

You are enabling her behavior and are being beaten down in the process. You can continue to love her but that doesn't mean you have to be married to her.

 

It sounds like you want to try and fix this but in my opinion to much damage has already been done. So when she is sober and not texting other guys ask her what she wants. Straight out ask her. "What do you want to happen" "Do you want to stay married" If she says yes then that is where you tell her for that to happen she has to get in to see a therapist right away and both of you will start counseling as well. If she doesn't agree to your terms then file for divorce.

 

Your son shouldn't grow up in any household with this stuff going on. Make one last attempt if you must and if she doesn't give 100% to try and get and accept help then file right away. This has gone on far to long as it is. You need to look out for you and your son now.

 

I am sorry

 

Lost

 

I have never asked her to stop drinking - just bring it under control, however last Friday has changed things.

 

Last night we talked - and talked - and talked

 

She has admitted that she feels totally worthless, hates herself - she told me things that had happened to her in her past, long before she met me, being beaten up, forced to take part in threesomes (out of naivety and love) that clearly are still having an impact

 

In my simple little mind, she was a great person to be around before our son was born, it appears to me as if the depression has hooked in to her past and she is on a self-destruct course and my son and I are just collateral damage

 

I want to help my wife save herself - last night I saw a glimmer of hope that she finally accepts that she has a problem that has to be addressed

 

She works in healthcare so has access to counselling that she is going to try and get arranged as a matter of urgency - I have told her that I will support her in any way that I can but in the short term the drinking must cease completely (this has a massive impact on her moods) and that all inappropriate contact with other men must stop completely - I will not check up on her as this is very negative, I have to accept that she will keep her promise

 

I know that if I was thinking with my head I would kick her out, divorce her and get on with my life but my heart tells me that I still love her very much. She knows that I will not forgive her for sleeping with another man but I can learn to live with it

[catfeeder]

She drinks 3 to 4 bottles of wine per week on top of medication? And you don't fear for her being alone with your son?

 

You're essentially setting up your son and his mother's caretaker while she mixes psychotropic drugs with alcohol, which you know about, on top of anything else she's doing that you don't know about.

 

I'd research the Internet for an education on mixing the 2 forms of depressants she's adding to her diet, which can result in immediate heart failure in addition to any other problems, and I'd send wife back to her parents until she invests in rehab and therapy.

 

I'd also visit a lawyer for legal advice about your options for your local area, along with the steps you'd need to take for each option to protect yourself and your son.

[lostandhurt]

So she told you a sob story full of excuses why she has continually cheats on you and abuses substances. Is it true? Who knows but it is always suspicious when these things come out AFTER you are about to kick them out.

 

I understand you love her and want to help her but enabling her will not have that result. She needs to get help for herself or it will not last. Do what you think is right so you will not have any regrets but you need to know when to let go as well.

 

I suggest you get some legal advice either way. You need to know what your options are when she falls off the wagon again.

 

Here are a few things for you to think about:

 

Depression is a terrible thing but it does not force people to cheat, she chose to do it over and over again. She is an alcoholic and should never drink again. She has many issues and has never dealt with them in a healthy way and it took all these years for her to finally lay it all out and that only happened when she thought you were done with her.

 

Basically you need to be totally done with the person she has been and if that person doesn't go away you need to end your marriage and get your child away from her. This is about more than you now, your child will carry this into adulthood if she doesn't work hard on getting better. This will be a life long struggle and she can never let her guard down and think she can have just a few sips of wine or maybe flirt a little with the guy at the coffee shop.

 

If you keep your eyes wide open you will be way better off. I disagree that you shouldn't check up on her. To me that is you not wanting to find out the truth. Trust but verify is what you need to do. Cheaters and alcoholics are sneaky and can hide the real truth well so be warned.

 

Lost

[Seraphim]

Hyper sexuality is very well documented in bipolar disorder. The condition greatly affects impulse control.