Eden21 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. When we first met I was seeing someone else and ended up cheating on him in the early stages of our relationship. I understand that I was entirely in the wrong and I should be understanding of his feelings. Since I have had zero contact with the person whom I cheated on him with. Today I went to a mall (that has many stores that are only available at this store in the state and where I'm often invited to by friends) this is a place where I went with the person I cheated on him with. When I got back I told him where I went when he asked told him who I was with and that he was welcome to call them to check my story if he felt the need to. (Even though it would be embarrassing for me). He got very upset that I went there and is claiming that I go there because "I have found memories of it". I know that he associates it with his feelings and I should be understanding of that. But is it fair for me to have to avoid going certain places and being able to hang out with my friends/coworkers? He also commented on why I was doing my hair different this morning with the implication I was getting ready for someone else. Any insight would be helpful.
Capricorn3 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I wouldn't quite say controlling (yet), but most definitely he has trust issues and that's totally understandable. You cheated on him so it is not surprising he has bad memories of this and will almost always have some lack of trust. Usually, without trust in a relationship you have nothing. This is an issue that will have to be fully worked out before making a success of the relationship.
JustStop Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I think his feelings are fair. Unfortunately, you betrayed his trust and he's reacting to the re-submergence of that breach of trust from your visit to the mall.I would feel the same way. I would talk to him about it because although I think his feelings are valid, he'll need to eventually get over it for things to work out between the two of you. After talking about it and reassuring him that that's in the past...I might even try inviting him to that mall so you can start new memories. But give him time to process your reassurance first.
Movingforward3 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 It takes time to rebuild trust. You have to be understanding.
Eden21 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Thankyou for the input. I will try to reassure him. I just feel like no matter what I say he responds with another negative comment about me. I will try to be the better person and stay positive. I know this is a whole other issue, but he also has attempted suicide (in front of me) because he doesn't feel like I give him enough reassurance. I'm just always afraid of doing something that will set him off. I seldom go out and have fun without him so I just felt really nervous going there especially after he got mad about it. I really do want to be with him but I don't know how much I should write off as my fault as a result of me cheating on him.
JustStop Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So this is a bigger issue than just cheating and trust issues. Both of your lives shouldn't be affected so much by this situation. It sounds like he might have some deeper issues. Although I do think you triggered the lack of trust....he HAS to be able to move forward for your relationship to work. You can only do but so much. It takes both sides to have trust for a relationship to work. You can reassure him that it won't happen again but if suicide is involved and you're not living a full life...I think you should try counseling or therapy.......and space if it need be. Be mindful of his feelings but remember that your well-being matters too!
melancholy123 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Before I read he had attempted suicide I thought he had a problem and now I'm sure he's got a problem. He needs to figure out how to get past his issues, probably with some therapy. You should not avoid any mall or anywhere else because you used to go there with a person you cheated with. I dont think he's right in this case. I'd urge him to get some help. Your relationship could be a disaster if he can't sort himself out.
Dottieflanogon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Once trust is broken it has to be earned, now he's guarding his heart.Every good relationship is based on trust. Without trust there is no foundation to build on. I don't see your relationship going far
bigcat Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 It seems like OP is making the right moves towards re gaining the trust. Now, I don't think it's fair (unless she were not making an effort) to keep holding it against the OP at perpetuity. At the same time, the OP ought to understand that the feelings are valid, and where they are coming, and perhaps help to re assure.
notalady Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So you had agreed to be exclusive with your current boyfriend then you slept with this other guy? Just sounds like there's some overlap where you were seeing this other guy and started seeing your boyfriend and it's not clear if that was during the non-exclusive stage.
Ms Darcy Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 He has serious issues (attempting suicide) and he needs therapy, not a relationship with you.
j.man Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Gonna have to disagree with the majority here. He is being controlling and he is not being fair. Look, you cheated on you. I'd say "shame on you," but I'd be beating a long dead horse. You know what you did wrong. What matters now is that he knows you cheated and has still chosen to stay with you. Note: chosen. Personally, I could never stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on me because I'd never trust them again, and without trust, there is no relationship. If he wants to try to rebuild that trust, more power to him, but he has no more authority to dictate your life as he did prior to you cheating. Sorry, but it's just not how it works. This guy is just like the 95% of us, myself included, who would be kidding ourselves by thinking that putting their partner on probation would somehow do the trick. The trust isn't coming back and each day in this relationship is a waste of both his and your time. Next time you cheat on someone, do both the guy and yourself a favor and leave the relationship without looking back.
TMifune Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now. When we first met I was seeing someone else and ended up cheating on him in the early stages of our relationship. I understand that I was entirely in the wrong and I should be understanding of his feelings. Since I have had zero contact with the person whom I cheated on him with. Today I went to a mall (that has many stores that are only available at this store in the state and where I'm often invited to by friends) this is a place where I went with the person I cheated on him with. When I got back I told him where I went when he asked told him who I was with and that he was welcome to call them to check my story if he felt the need to. (Even though it would be embarrassing for me). He got very upset that I went there and is claiming that I go there because "I have found memories of it". I know that he associates it with his feelings and I should be understanding of that. But is it fair for me to have to avoid going certain places and being able to hang out with my friends/coworkers? He also commented on why I was doing my hair different this morning with the implication I was getting ready for someone else. Any insight would be helpful. Let me get this straight. You put extra effort into your appearance, then you went to a place that you knew would be upsetting to him without telling him. You arranged a cover story and then told him after the fact and offered to "let him" contact your cover story to reassure him? That doesn't sound suspicious to you? Why not tell him upfront where you're going? I gotta be honest....you haven't cheated on me and that chain of events makes me suspicious of you. I mean I think it's ridiculous to get upset about you going someplace you might have "fond memories" of. But I also think it's crazy that, knowing that it would upset him, you just went and did it anyway. If you want to rebuild trust you don't get to play the victim when he asks you to do or not do something. If you want to rebuild the trust you'll avoid those places. The fact that you don't shows you don't care if he trusts you or not. Does the guy you cheated with work at this mall? Did you really go there with the hopes of running into him?
Unreasonable Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Erm, expecting you to boycott an entire mall because a guy might be there is a bit extreme. I have to ask you though, was there any intention or thought of changing your hair going and to this place because you thought you would run into this guy? Was this guy in your list of "friends/coworkers" you wanted to hang out with? Be honest with yourself.
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