Therapist, Closure, advice?

[emptyeffort]

the one week vacation i had from university is over. i missed almost 2 weeks of classes prior because i was feeling so bad from my recent breakup. shes going there aswell and we have classes together every day. due to my missing i obviously missed alot of classes. but it also means i didnt see her in almost three weeks. and yet since my bday a little more than a week ago ive been feeling worse again. when i decided not to go anymore and have those almost three weeks i really hoped i would feel better after the vacation so i could get back to "normal" and atleast have the strength to not miss any more classes. now im sitting here the night before and im still not feeling any better than a few weeks ago with the exception that im not nearly crying as much anymore.

 

last night.. i dreamt that we were sitting in class together. and we didnt exchange a single word. im scared starting to see her again makes it even worse. especially the last few days i spent at my parents' i got really anxious and i didnt wanna go back to my small apartment of loneliness. i feel so overwhelmed with everything and am even scared with failing classes because of all this.

 

ive thought about seeing a doc about this if it doesnt get better. it just seems so.. i dont know.. to go and ask for help "just" because of that. on the other hand theres alot on the line. failing classes once means i cannot finish since they just pay a certain amount of time. taking longer than "normal" means we have to pay ourselves which is not possible.

 

anyone went to a doctor or therapist of sorts and can tell me something about it?

i am obviously hoping for some sort of meds that help me handle all this stuff. i know theres no magic meds that make the sadness go away. but some sort of help for me to get back on track would be great. i cant get myself to do the easiest stuff. its easily been the worst month i have experienced in my life and im handling it very poorly.

 

another question: although she doesnt want a romantic relationship she still cares about me deeply and losing me kills her as well. unfortunately as much as i want to keep her in my life, i cant. for now it just wouldnt work out

what i wanna know is. i have the chance to get 100% closure or rather. i can ask her what was not so great about me, what i maybe did wrong etc. i know she would answer and do so honestly. the question is.. should i even do that?

 

long story short why she left: after seeing her last crush by chance she realized that she still had feelings for him and that it wouldnt be fair to me. 20 minutes after that happened she told me and broke up with that information.

 

she claimed multiple times that i deserve much better and that i was the most amazing person that she had ever met. she said that when we started dating. a few times down the line and after she broke up. 1-2 weeks after she broke up she drank alot one night and told me about it and that she would miss class the next day. i was worried sick because i thought it was about the breakup and that she might do something stupid because it was not like her. including that night ive only seen her drunk twice in the whole period ive known her. that night i called her to hear from her voice exactly how drunk she was and to hear how her mood was. she didnt seem to be depressed or anything. but obviously she talked a little more loosely. talked about that she missed me and missed talking since we cant anymore. that she doesnt know what to do when she sees me depressed. that she is sorry for this and hates herself for feeling that way, that id easily find someone alot better than her because i deserved better because of how amazing i was. even when totally drunk she said all that nice stuff to me. that night wasnt great for me. i had to try to not cry on the phone towards the end. and when the call ended i immediately broke out in tears.

 

i feel like i wouldnt have learned anything from this relationship for the next ones if i dont ask if there was some bad stuff aswell. i mean. obviously i loved her with all my heart and i did everything i could to make her happy because it made me happy. i tried to be the best i could be for/with her. but i know myself. im VERY insecure which makes me very jealous. and especially towards the end i got really needy as well. she said both didnt bother her but i feel like towards the end subconciously it might have.

the thing is.. in my position right now.. should i know? do i even want to find it out now?

 

advice/experience on the therapist and closure question would be nice.

 

thanks in advance.

[Movingforward3]

If you feel you need to talk to someone, I would do it. As for closure, this is often as rare as a unicorn in the forest. It is up to you to discover your own closure, as you likely will not get it from your ex. I know this is hard. Focus on you and do what you can to heal. Exercise, eat right, have fun, and live your life. It will get better. Good luck!

[melancholy123]

Talk to a professional, it's nothing to avoid or be ashamed of, that's what they are there for. I think you are suffering too much and may need help to get out of the pit.

[emptyeffort]

started taking meds for my thyroid dysfunction. ill wait a little to see if those do anything and will go see someone if it doesnt get better. does anyone have any experience and can tell me anything about it?