putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Hi I was broken up with 3 months ago, Background to what happened: This breakup seemed unplanned as it was during a frustrated discussion that it happened, (not an argument). After the breakup, I know he had some stresses going on that particular week so I left it a few days to contact him again. I texted, he said we would speak in a few days. A week later I receive a blase text saying that he needed to just be friends and focus on his career. I followed this up with a few texts asking him a few questions about the break up, but I Had been hoping for a proper human conversation either via phone or in person. His texts were rushed and he kept making it sound like he was busy. He is usually quite empathetic by nature so it was quite strange. My questions were "was it real?", he thought so, "is he just brushing me off and wanting to find someone else?" he said he wouldn't do that and that he actually wanted to focus on his career. The next few days I text him 3 times asking for a phone chat, I explained that it would really help with moving on to have some clarity, but I heard nothing from him at all. Out of character I thought, and it hurt. 1 month later, feeling a tad better, I started talking to another guy, we get on well, until we mention exes, he looks shocked, says he knows my ex and that my ex is currently chatting up his best-friend. I know this girl but I didn't see her as a threat at the time we were dating, so I was shocked. Especially as I know my ex as very shy and anti-social, it felt weird to not know that this guy was friends with my ex etc. I started thinking about how much more confident he must be right now etc, I abruptly stop talking to this guy for self-preservation reasons, I do not want to hear more about my ex and his endeavors. I am also by this point saddened, because I feel lied to about the reasoning over the breakup and my texts being ignored. I would have really liked to him to be my friend. I feel at a loss really. Any thoughts? ( I get the "just move on" quite a lot so looking for something more practical ) Thanks in advance!
Movingforward3 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Anxious people usually have depressive characteristics. I would say don't try to figure it out. These types don't think in normal terms. Accept he is damaged and move forward.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Thanks for your post Movingforward3.
Dottieflanogon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 The "we will be just friends' line is one to just nod to and then cut all ties.In your case he didn't mean he wanted to stay friends. He just wanted to smooth things over .He's drifting away from you, like most people drift apart after they break up. Frankly, most guys have little interest in staying friends after a break up. So, basically, he's moving on. As should you. You need accept that the relationship is over. If you keep hanging onto him, you will get hurt in the end. If he really wanted to be with you, he will make it clear
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Well, I had spoken with him on the topic before and we had said that if a relationship has the friendship element as well as the romantic element, it's possible to be friends. It confuses me why some people are so cutthroat about these kinds of situations. Why not be friends really? why does it need to be such a drama?
Sukiyaki Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I feel like "I need to focus on my career" is an excuse. Due to his his "anti-social behaviour", the best way, in his eyes, to break up with you would be through phone. From the looks of it, it sounds he may started becoming interested in someone else and wanted to make the breakup quick and easy. If I were you I would be more than upset, I'd be angry. It's not fair, is it? You're not even worthy enough for a proper explanation and that's not right. You deserve better than that. I know you want clarity in order to move on from him, but I don't think he's going to give it you. He's not answering your texts, or calls, and he hasn't been giving you the answers you need because all you want is honesty. I know you don't want to hear "just move on" as it's easier said than done. But I advise you to begin the lengthy process of no contact in order to distance yourself from this and get yourself back.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 It could have gone a lot more smoothly with a proper honest chat and to leave things respectfully at least, even if it didn't mean an active friendship. Just feel quite hurt still.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 If anyone else has anymore advice on this, would be appreciated
Capricorn3 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 It confuses me why some people are so cutthroat about these kinds of situations. Why not be friends really? why does it need to be such a drama? Friendship will never work if one person is interested in the other in a romantic way and the other is not. He's not interested and has moved on. That's telling you everything. You're not going to get what you want from him (friendship), so let it go and move on with your life.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Friendships can and have worked with that formula, people turn people down , have had failed relationships or even marriages and have stayed friends. It's not unheard of! I know that mine sounds like a hopeless case because of his lack of contact, just kind of saddens me that this how it is when it could have been different and more amicable.
melancholy123 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I think you've been given good advice but you dont really want to hear what's being said. You can't make someone be friends with you if they dont want to. He was wrong to do what he did, but it's done now. Sure it hurts, but in time you will be alright. Some people can be friends after a breakup but odds are against it.
Capricorn3 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Friendships can and have worked with that formula, people turn people down , have had failed relationships or even marriages and have stayed friends. It's not unheard of!. No-one said it's unheard of. Sure, it can happen, but that is when BOTH people are on-board. In your particular case, HE is NOT on-board so it is highly unlikely there'll be an ongoing friendship. I know you clearly don't want to hear this, but you have to learn to accept it.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 I appreciate the advice that's been given and I hear it, but it's no more than 'just move on'. Maybe that's all the advice there is to give on this after all. Was hoping there could have been something else I could do.
putawetsuiton Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 No-one said it's unheard of. Sure, it can happen, but that is when BOTH people are on-board. In your particular case, HE is NOT on-board so it is highly unlikely there'll be an ongoing friendship. I know you clearly don't want to hear this, but you have to learn to accept it. But no one is ever friends straightaway? I do see your point however from what I have said about it.
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I know it is painful, but if he doesn't want to be friends right now, you just have to accept it. Pushing it on him will drive him further away from you. Maybe down the road a friendship can develop (please don't hold out for it), but for now I would keep my distance. Surround yourself with your true friends, and remember that he is missing out by not having you in his life. Feel better!
putawetsuiton Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 It has been three months since the breakup now though?
Heartsonfire12 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I know it feels like forever, but in the grand scheme of things it isn't. Keep your chin up and stay busy. The busier you are, the faster it feels time goes! Chin up!
lilygirl Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Three months is not very long, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart. It is very difficult to transition from lovers to friends, not every couple can make that transition, but in my experience if it happens it takes a year or more of being apart for it to work. I would stay in No Contact and try your hardest to put the focus on you now.
putawetsuiton Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Thanks for your comments, it is easier said than done though
lilygirl Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Oh yes, and I am sorry if I implied that it would be anything less than very difficult. All of this business just sucks. Hang in there.
Ms Darcy Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 It was very rude of him to at least not talk to you on the phone. I think you might consider writing him and a letter for closure and then writing one BACK TO YOU as him giving you all the closure you need. I would not send either of those communications and I would suggest burning both of the letters as a healing ceremony/event for you.
putawetsuiton Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Yeah I've done the letter thing, (thanks though) I opened up a word document and wrote on when we first broke up. I think it's the feeling of being disrespected that gets me the most, and perhaps this is one of the reasons I was looking for a friendship? maybe? I don't know.
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