crfgua Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Hi, so my two good friends who had been dating for many years and even got engaged this year ended their relatioship a month ago. I met them a couple of years ago and we used to hang out alot. The three of us, we would watch movies together and cook together and party and we used to have a bond and got really well along. I used to stay for more days in a row at their place... She started telling me about a year ago that they'd have problems because she always felt she was the grown up and had to make all the important decisions, and also that he would feel like he would want other girls (but was always faithful). And that they wouldnt sleep with each other anymore... I always felt we were attracted to each other, he and I. But of course wouldn't have done anything in the relationship. They were very important to me and wouldnt had wanted to risk it. None of us. They broke up about a month ago and decided not to tell anyone until he'd leave after a month to another country and still lived together. And they just told me about a week ago that they werent together anymore. I had the feeling something was going on already... but it was cool, no drama, they were still nice to eachother and kept things as neutral as possible. He and I and other friends went out to party and while were partying he told me he had to tell me something.... he said he had always been atracted to me and felt he had to say it and that it was something special. He just wanted to be honest. I told him i felt the same way but wouldnt do anything. He tried to kiss me and I said no. he understood. But then we partied and everything was ok and I stayed for another night at their place and the day after, she left on holidays and I stayed there with him and we just chilled and ate and watched a movie. I wanted to talk about it and pretty much, we ended up in bed in their apartment after struggling around for hours for not to let it happen. But i never left, and eventually gave in. We spoke about it alot and i kept on saying what a bad friend i was and that she wouldnt approve and that i didnt want to hurt her.. And she told me we were just people and i wasnt a bad person, plus they werent together anymore and it was his problem. We both felt bad on the next day and spoke about and said we'd just have to give it some time... Now he's left and she's back from holidays and i dont know what to say and how to behave with her. I dont want to be a and i never wanted to direspect her. I love her, and i also love him as a friend. I feel she wouldnt forgive me and at the same time i dont want to hurt her by telling her the truth but still feel like i should tell her. What can I do? I also told him i would have to tell her eventually.. and I think he'd understand.... Why do people get so carried away? I feel like I dont know who I am...
j.man Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Why tell her? Are you that infatuated with drama? It sounds like both you and the guy have agreed to drop it, at least for "some time." Here's a good policy for life in general. If you've got the desire (for whatever reason) to spill some hard news to someone, ask yourself, "In what way could they possibly benefit?" If you can't think of any, then drop it.
kathy679 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Do your mate a favour and distance yourself. She thinks your a mate but your not. You slept with her ex. I wouldnt say anything if I was you just learn from this and don't break the girl code again
dave_1966 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Do your mate a favour and distance yourself. She thinks your a mate but your not. You slept with her ex. I wouldnt say anything if I was you just learn from this and don't break the girl code again And on her friends bed at her place. The moment she admits this, the friendship is toast. Her friend will also most likely think that it was going on for some time as well.
crfgua Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 thanks you so much for this. I felt this way since the beginning, and no I dont want to hurt her- its just that it seemed to be the "correct" thing to do, though it doenst feel like the right thing to do.. everybody makes mistakes i guess,, and i f- it up. I guess by telling her it would make all more difficult and painful for her especially...
crfgua Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 yeah i figured that out, of course i dont want her to think this was going on for some time already... and no, it didnt happen on her bed, i didnt want to. it still doenst make it better i know.
crfgua Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 thanks for your comment and sincerity. I am her friend, i just made a mistake. I dont want to hurt her more and that is the reason why i feel like it is best not to tell her what happened. Nothing is definite or black or white. I know it wasnt right but it doenst mean i would keep on hurting her now forever because i've done it once-.
crfgua Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Why tell her? Are you that infatuated with drama? It sounds like both you and the guy have agreed to drop it, at least for "some time." Here's a good policy for life in general. If you've got the desire (for whatever reason) to spill some hard news to someone, ask yourself, "In what way could they possibly benefit?" If you can't think of any, then drop it. thanks you so much for this. I felt this way since the beginning, and no I dont want to hurt her- its just that it seemed to be the "correct" thing to do, though it doenst feel like the right thing to do.. everybody makes mistakes i guess,, and i f- it up. I guess by telling her it would make all more difficult and painful for her especially..
DiningRoomTabl Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 It seems odd to me that you struggled with not sleeping together for hours, but decided on staying. It brings upon the impression that you weighed and were aware that this action would hurt her, but decided to do it anyways. I would agree that you should consider distancing yourself from her, as this does not seem like an entirely healthy and trustful friendship. That said, I still wish the best for you and know that we all mess up sometimes. I hope it works out for everybody.
crfgua Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 i did struggle, i thought it would've been enough only to cuddle, even to know that we both could just do it if we wanted to and even spoke about it openly. He was being very persuasive though and i got carried away. (Not wanting to blame him though) It was hard, but still took a conscious decision and i just felt i couldnt not do it. Yes, it is probably best to take some distance, at least for a while.... I dont want to lose any of them...
DiningRoomTabl Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 In that case, I would also think a bit about your friendship with him. If you had rejected his kiss previously, and expressed some doubt in sleeping together, it also questions his ability to respect your boundaries. I'd take some time to think and meditate on what your values are, and what those values in friends are, what traits you want in yourself, and then live your life in a way that's truest to the best you. Do some soul-searching, and try not to act impulsively in reaction to this situation and emotions that accompany it. It seems like you felt kinda cloudy throughout this situation, and I think having real solid clarity in yourself and your values might be helpful. Just advice though, you can do whatever you want with this information.
ParisPaulette Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 You don't. It will hurt the living hell out of her, because they are just broken up. FYI your friend also gave you a very important clue about this guy's personality and mindset. He wanted to get with other girls all the time in spite of being with your friend, remember? So yeah, you're just one of those girls he wanted to sleep with--common word here "have sex with" and NOT have a relationship. You've seen how he treated her, how he hurt her, there's YOUR future with this guy. If you persist it's very possible Karma will pay you back when he does the same to you then sleeps with a friend right after breaking up with you. Or maybe he'll sleep with your friend some time when you two are together, because duh now she's the forbidden and he apparently finds that exciting. You should be repulsed at this snake and how he treated your friend, not be hoping to be next in line. You saw what happened to your friend with him, there's the throne you're all set to get. And you'll lose a good friend in the process. True they were broken up, but come on. The whole thing is just slimy and tacky and he couldn't even respect her or you long enough to let sufficient time pass before angling to jump your bones. This is not the actions of an ethical loving good person who is relationship material. Sorry, nope. Stay quiet, she has enough on her plate, if you feel bad that's too tough. You should've realized you were being played and you probably knew you were, but you justified it. And now you have to live with it and choose what to do next, but my take is this is going to be a serious life mistake for you if you continue to be involved with him in any way. And yeah, the friendship is probably toast, but at least don't add to the hurt. Live with what you did.
itsallgrand Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Distance for now would be good. I can't imagine laying this on her when she is already dealing with the break up. And then think about what you want going forward. Personally, I feel badly for you because I think you got played and you just don't realize it yet. "something special" isn't some groping and sex right after he breaks up with your friend, and in their apartment of all places. Obviously you have been crushing on him for some time, and he took the opportunity here. Told you what you want to hear, and he knows you will keep quiet about it or risk your friend shunning you. Just think about whether he is as good a friend as you seem to think he is. Friends don't do these things to each other. The two of you both f/ked up, but you can't control him, just you - take responsibility and admit that you did wrong and it goes beyond hurting her. You hurt yourself; you screwed yourself out of a good friendship with that girl. Just my two cents. I don't think you are a monster, just someone who hasn't quite learned yet what friendship really is.
dave_1966 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 And adding to this, your friend will most likely sense something's up and she only has to have one row with this guy for the truth to be spat out in her face. Either that, or they try to get back together and he says 'there's something I need to tell you' and so on. You can keep quiet, but she may find out another way. I'd keep your distance from her, it's seedy.
crfgua Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 @j.man do you think I should still try to be friends?
schilller Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Friend's ex's aren't off limits. Now if it was a bad breakup and your friend was the one who was dumped, then you need to be discrete. But if your friend dumped her and it's over, then it's fair game, although there may be awkward times if you go out with her and you end up at an event where your friend is.
dave_1966 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Friend's ex's aren't off limits. Now if it was a bad breakup and your friend was the one who was dumped, then you need to be discrete. But if your friend dumped her and it's over, then it's fair game, although there may be awkward times if you go out with her and you end up at an event where your friend is. Friends exes are off limits in my books, and are certainly not fair game straight after a break-up when emotions run high. That's really sleazy.
crfgua Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Friends exes are off limits in my books, and are certainly not fair game straight after a break-up when emotions run high. That's really sleazy. My girlfriend ended the relationship and they are both trying to be neutral and calm about the break up. He's left the country, so we wont be seeing him anymore. This is something that has happened that I cant repair I know, but that doesnt mean that i dont care about her and still want to hang out. I think, someday when the time has come and she has healed I will tell her., Just not right now. I dont want to harm her more. I love her and fu ** ! people make mistakes.
mhowe Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Having sex with q friends ex is not a mistake. It is a conscious choice.
crfgua Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Having sex with q friends ex is not a mistake. It is a conscious choice. what difference does it make? of course it was a conscious choice, but after it, it seemed more clear to me that it was a mistake. This happens you know. and yes, I guess while I did it I didnt care about her feelings as much to keep me from doing it. Im aware of that, I got carried away and now im trying to deal with it and dont know what to do. I KNOW you dont break the code god damn it. I came into this group in order to get constructive critic, not to people throw stones at me.
mhowe Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Again, a conscious effort choice to disregard the consequences isn't a mistake. It's an irresponsible choice. You can't fix this mistake...because she sees it for what it was. Disregard for her.
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