ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Hello all. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I am in a pretty complicated situation. Been married for barely over a year, after a 4 year relationship. We got married sooner than anticipated due to some immigration issues, otherwise we probably wouldn't have gotten married yet (he had the issues), even though I was head over heels. My partner is a wonderful man, one of a kind in a sense - full package. Our biggest issue was a financial one, where I was the main breadwinner for a long time (still am, it's just started changing now). That took toll on me and our relationship. He tired his best, due to move to different countries and language learning, he was just falling behind. He is also 2 years younger so his career prospects are just ahead of him (we are in early 30s/late20s). He loves me more then anything. And I would do anything for him, as he is my family and my best friend. Beginning of summer I met a colleague who works on remote and is also in a longterm 5 year relationship. We clicked to an intense level, so much I broke it off with my partner and we were on a break for 2-3 months. My partner went back to our home country to work. The situation with colleague got complicated due to distance (different countries) but never completely ended in a sense. My partner had to come back to where we live (different country), to finish up some work stuff, and was supposed to move again. During that time the situation with the collegue romantically ended from his end, as the distance was too much and he wasnt ready to make the move out of his relationship since we didnt know eachother that well. I was slowly trying to pick up pieces of the heartbreak and focused on my partner instead, seeing if I maybe read into things wrongly or whatnot (but my mind wouldnt let me be). The love I have for him is there but the "in love" part is definitely gone. I have no interest in having sex. I dont see us having kids anymore together. I spoke openly about this. He knows that I fell in love with someone else, and he is willing for us to work through it. After 2.5m of not seeing the collegue in person he came back for work to where I am. There was lot of things left in the air for us, and I knew once he came back lot of things would resurface for him, and I couldn't get my closure because we never fell out, it was more of a "not having a together meeting point" thing, where things were just too complicated in such a short time, with many people left to hurt. We spoke about everything and cleared some air, and fell into each other again - his partner knew we happened, and so did mine. There was a lot of fear involved and just a lot of expectations too fast, too soon, in a very stresfull time (he was just moving with his partner to another country, he broke it off with me when he broke up with her and felt he regretted it, but at that time we havent seen each other for over a month so I was more just a girl on the phone, not something tangible, and I was applying pressure since my situation was "burning house"). After meeting now, we have decided to stay in contact and try to get to know each other before anything moves along. We both admitted there is something here, he would have persued us if there wasnt his current situation without a doubt, he said he holds strong affection for his partner but I am unopened package and he fears the unknown. I said I am also uneasy to leave my situation now, since I kind of got left stranded, but both of us have "something". Strong similar core, equal passions, basically both come from stable relationships with people who love us more than anything, but in both cases we are not being challenged enough or tapped into our passions. We went over the mistakes we have done within our relationship, with bad internet miscommunication, expectations and just realised that in many things where we were on distance, we misunderstood each other because we didnt have a chance to really get to know each other. But there is something definitely there, something strong that binds us, and we keep coming back to each other each time we have the chance to see one another. He also tried to keep his promise to his partner, he isn't hunting me out, is not a player in a sense, actually pretty nerdy guy, and we just got caught up. Both of us. So we ended up again together. Just to explain, before he broke it off prior to us seeing eachother now, we had a trip booked together, he came to see me just for me, not for work, to see what there is. There were moves before the break came when things got too complicated/heated. So lot was left in the air. Also I never cheated in my life prior to this. Never. So, long story short, I am now lost to what to do overall. Colleague is now making moves to leave his relationship. Actual moves. My husband just bought us a trip for Christmas, after this morning I started the conversation that my feelings have definitely changed and I don't know how to fix it. I feel stuck. I want a divorce I think, but at the same time, if the colleague thing goes bad, I am not sure if I ever gave my husband a fair shot since colleague was always on my mind in the last 5 months. I am deeply in love with the colleague. No doubt about it. If I was to do a full cut off, maybe my feelings for my husband would return, as he is making much progress on things that were issues before. I feel stuck. I am not ready to let go of the colleague, but I am not ready to break the heart of my partner either yet. I am trying to slowly separate, but it's hard, because I do love him, but I know I am not in love and he is still financially dependant on me. We are also supposed to move to another country in about 7 months together, which complicates everything much more (but this move will mean I am really close to the colleague for the first time, 3h train ride - this is a work move, wasn't planned based on the colleague). Please don't berate me, as I never expected this to happen, literally my life changed in a night and now I am just trying to solve it. Any advice?
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Get a divorce. Your husband needs to marry someone who is into him. He must feel horrible being a place card holder for another guy. Get a divorce and sort yourself out.
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Get a divorce. Your husband needs to marry someone who is into him. He must feel horrible being a place card holder for another guy. Get a divorce and sort yourself out. Financially he is still dependant on me. That is what is holding me back primarily, and the fact I don't want to ruin his growth by stomping on his life at the moment, as he just made strides.
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Okay, if he was doing this to you what would you expect? What would you want him to do? Start with how you would want to be treated. Would you want to be treated with some respect and dignity? Would you want your husband to honour the vows he made to you?
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Okay, if he was doing this to you what would you expect? What would you want him to do? Start with how you would want to be treated. Would you want to be treated with some respect and dignity? Would you want your husband to honour the vows he made to you? I have to state that both of us don't believe in marriage, we did it to be able to move primarily. We are looking here at a relationship. And yes, as I have mentioned - I know I should get a divorce, that is not in question here - my issue is, what to do about this overall as he is financially completely dependant on me yet, in a foreign country, he has just made some strides to move his life along, and breaking up would crush him at a crucial time. It would be a different case if I knew he had enough money to support himself or possibilities to support himself.
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He should probably move back to his own country and take up his life where he left off there.
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 He should probably move back to his own country and take up his life where he left off there. Economically its not possible. He has no place to go/live technically and the job market is non existent. Thus us moving where we moved. And thus this being rather complicated. He wont take any money if I decide to give him as well, for that in a sense.
j.man Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 What country are you in now? Is it your native country he moved to?
Seraphim Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Then tell your husband you plan to cheat again with the same guy and let him make the decision for you.
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 What country are you in now? Is it your native country he moved to? Nope, for both of us this is not a native country. its a small country with limited job opportunities but with a specific market, thus I got a job here that is supporting us both. He is just now making strides of getting some work. The country that we come from, the economy is completely dead. Very bad shape, and his family doesnt have money, or any extra room for more people. I paid for his college, for his education and all other classes to get him out of there, it put a lot of stress on me overall. And I dont feel I can leave him stranded just like that. I do love him, I would never leave him stranded, but I know, the moment I really break it off - he will want to leave but he doesnt have means or ways to do so.
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Are you talking about Greece? I dont want to disclose, for privacy reasons clearly.
j.man Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Check in with divorce laws in whatever country you got the marriage in. If you've been the breadwinner and he'd struggle financially, your husband might be entitled to some alimony/spousal support. That'd be pretty lucky for you if you could divorce and just cut him a monthly check for a few years!
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Check in with divorce laws in whatever country you got the marriage in. If you've been the breadwinner and he'd struggle financially, your husband might be entitled to some alimony/spousal support. That'd be pretty lucky for you if you could divorce and just cut him a monthly check for a few years! He wouldn't take it, I know that for a fact. Even if the government told him he had to take it. I have no issue setting him up, but he would be devastated and probably just halt his progress. That's what worries me. Otherwise, I would already be out. I must say, he is a great guy and I have to say whoever he finds later will be more then lucky. Things are just complicated because he is dependant on me, and he wants to make this work, so if I was to end it, giving him money and leaving him behind - would devastate him. Should I just wait it out until he is stable enough? It's just rough being somewhere where you are not there 100%. I still treat him well, I mean, we are best friends, but it's more of a roomate situation now where he is eager to make it work, and I am thinking how to remove myself from it.
j.man Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He wouldn't take it, I know that for a fact. Even if the government told him he had to take it. I have no issue setting him up, but he would be devastated and probably just halt his progress. That's what worries me. Otherwise, I would already be out. I must say, he is a great guy and I have to say whoever he finds later will be more then lucky. Things are just complicated because he is dependant on me, and he wants to make this work, so if I was to end it, giving him money and leaving him behind - would devastate him. Should I just wait it out until he is stable enough? It's just rough being somewhere where you are not there 100%. I still treat him well, I mean, we are best friends, but it's more of a roomate situation now where he is eager to make it work, and I am thinking how to remove myself from it.That's on him, then. All you can do is offer the option. You're his wife, not his mother. If it's too hard a choice for you to make, maybe tell your husband about your dealings with the other guy and maybe your husband will make the decision for you.
ohnohedidnt Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 That's on him, then. All you can do is offer the option. You're his wife, not his mother. If it's too hard a choice for you to make, maybe tell your husband about your dealings with the other guy and maybe your husband will make the decision for you. I guess that's the only way. Thanks guys for your opinions. I just needed a second look on it. I will see how it all plays out within couple of weeks. And if it's still the same and if I feel the same, I will then make the move. No other way about it. Thanks once again!
sky09 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Your "feelings" will not change, rest assured, even if the said "colleague" does something really stupid. If you "love" your husband (which you clearly don't), let him know and let him go. He is a big boy and will make his life work - you should not worry about what happens to him now. That should've been foreseen when you made the choice to cheat. We all make mistakes. Yours has been the lack of communication and pent up resentment towards your partner. Next time, make sure you share your thoughts and feelings with the person you're with. Also, if both of you are cheaters now, do you think there is a chance this could repeat in your theoretical relationship with the said colleague?
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