It really does, slowly but surely, get better

[VSM2002]

Hello enotalone,

 

I joined this forum back in September or so looking for some support. I received so much of it, and I am very grateful for that. You can read the couple of threads I started if you'd like, the first one was a question of whether or not dumpers come back, and the second was a thread where I asked how long the grief is going to last for.

 

I would like to announce, and write this for all of you who are currently in the position that I was in two months ago - or God forbid, three months ago... at my absolute worst, that things really do get better even though you don't believe it, and most likely don't want to believe it. After all, moving on is accepting. And accepting seems just about impossible during these hard times.

 

I want to start out with some background. I was in my first relationship, happy as ever for a long time. My girlfriend and I loved each other dearly, shared some of the best moments together. After a bit of a rough patch, we were doing okay again. One day, tension over an old, contentious issue resurfaced, and we argued again, made up again, and cuddled all morning. The next day she broke up with me over the phone. I was, and yes, still am, devastated. It's a loss. We were together for three years, and it hurt more than anything I've ever endured in my 25 short years on this planet.

 

First, everybody told me I was going to be okay. And I absolutely hated hearing that. Why? I don't know, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. I read every "get your ex back" plan out there (though fortunately, even in my grief struck mind I knew that what I was reading was nonsense, it just felt good to know that it does happen). I was in shock for at least two months, maybe three. I was afraid to accept the reality, because once I accepted it, she was gone for good and I was going to have to move on.

 

Slowly, I've been meeting new people and making new friends. I'm approaching the four month mark now, and I have some more clarity. I've looked back on the relationship and I understand that, yes, it did end, this is real, and most importantly, I am going to be okay.

 

I am no longer waking up in a terrible rage, sadness, or sweat. Life is slowly starting to feel right again. I am a graduate student, and I love my classes and I love my friends. Yes, I do still feel a void. When something funny happens, I imagine the way I would be telling her about it in our nightly phone call, and I think about what I would recommend to her if I took her to that new coffee place that I've been going to by my house. But the pain from that has arguably lessened. The pain from all of this, while still there, has lessened.

 

I am writing this to tell all of you who are where I was not too long ago to please hold on, and to be patient with yourselves. I still love her, I still miss her, I am still hurt, so hurt, but I am healing. I never believed that I would heal. In fact, I can recall several nights going to sleep thinking "Yes, people heal. But my pain is so great that I'm definitely the exception to this rule. I can't possibly heal from this level of pain." Obviously a small part of me knew that that was ridiculous, and here I am a couple more months in, and this week, for the first time, I was able to go to sleep and think "I had a good day today." I am still very much grieving, in fact, ironically, writing about her in this post just brought back some harsh feelings. But hey, they pass!

 

So please, spend time with your friends, spend time with your family, pamper the absolute hell out of yourself, watch a really good movie, or a really bad movie, buy yourself a gift (be careful with this one, though). Make this all about YOU. IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER.

 

Edit: Also a reminder, my inbox is always open for anybody who wants to talk.

[ss135]

I keep hearing this and I really want to believe it. Unfortunately, I haven't felt one iota better. I'm a little past four months and I still feel cold, empty, and alone. I think I have been doing all the right things to move on and it has not made any difference in how I think or feel. Yeah I know in time it will most likely get better, I constantly hear it may take a year or two to completely get over it. I guess I am already so sick of feeling like this that the thought that this is going to take another year or more to get over is exacerbating, especially because commonly the advice is to stay away from getting into another relationship before you are totally healed. It's already crushing me that I haven't had any emotional or psychical contact in almost five months and has been making me incredibly depressed. I tend to get really down if I don't have fairly constant human contact.